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Ginger1 Offline OP
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I am sorry. I promised myself I would not think that way.and I’m sorry to have worried you. I felt like an inconvenience and it made me feel just so sad. But I have lots of good stuff to still do on this earth. So I’m
Not going anywhere anytime soon. Plus, my kiddo, she going to accomplish many things and I know she wants me there for that . She’s really the one who’s going to do amazing things and I need her.

I have decided when I see the doctor though to up my AD’s because I cry too much and feel hopeless sometimes. Like last night . And the wine . I tried getting back in therapy, because what I have been feeling I’ve generally been holding in. I’m very functional and happy go lucky to everyone around me. I share my feelings rarely. I think holding it in was enough already . And man do you have a lot of time to think when you are quarantined alone for days. Problem is with getting back into IC, is everyone is so depressed these days , they all have looooong wait lists .

I’m excited to be going back to work today actually. I couldn’t stare at another wall or watch another boring TV show. I have quite an appreciation for my job right now. We will see if I say that still after my first day back where we are short handed. But I can’t wait to see my coworkers and have conversations with humans! Even my funny old
People who I have to scream at for them to hear me.

Things are going to be fine. And I can’t wait to be able to walk again, which I have not been able to do. The pain has been so bad, I walk 50 ft and I am in awful pain and limping. Fixing this, and being able to get out for walks is going to definitely help the PMA

I had a cry last night like no other. I mean like one of those body shaking cries where you beg for god to help you. I was happy all day and when everyone left my house, for some reason I lost it and I couldn’t control my feelings. And it was seeing everyone leave. I didn’t want them to go anywhere

I think it’s out of my system. I feel better. Sorry again for what I posted. I should never say that. I’m lucky to be alive and mostly healthy and I would never be better off dead. The truth is, I don’t think I would be. But I feel others might. But I know that isn’t true either

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Ginger,

I was finally able to get on the Board and I have removed the posting that you requested be removed last evening. I do hope that you are feeling a bit better today.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2909587 12/01/20 12:47 AM
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It's ok, my friend. Just hate to see you feeling that way. Not going to say I never did because that wouldn't be true.

You know, when you are people pleasers like we are, we HATE to ask for help. What happens is we sometimes have expectations that others will offer because that is what we would do. But d@mn if those expectations we know better about don't cause us to feel badly sometimes.

There are two options - we either ask for help or we accept that everyone is different and might not have the same heart we do. I know people have their own reasons for not stepping up that I cant control so I have to accept it.

I know you have people who care about you. We dont need many, one or two is all we really need in this life . I have been disappointed many times by people who told me all I have to do is ask and then tell me they cant.

We do what we have to do for ourselves, but, that doesnt take away the hurt and disappointment, ya know?

So you got the surgery sorted out, I knew you would. Try not to feel too badly for too long because it doesnt serve you or change things.

And yes, your girl is going to do amazing things and she needs her mama there for it all.

Love you, my friend. Always here if you need me... I mean it. <3

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Ginger,

Everything that uRworthy has posted is 100% spot on. We are all here for you and even though many of us live far away, we are in your corner and will do whatever we can to be a shoulder to lean on. Do not hesitate to ask your friends and/or you co-workers to help you out. You are always there for others and now it's their turn to be there for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Amen! What she said!

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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Thank you Job so much for removing. I wouldn't want my child stumbling on it.

I am very fortunate to have people in my corner. and all it does take is one or two solid people. Im blessed to have met some of those people here.

I finally hit rock bottom. ANd I had a epiphany. I don't regret saying what I did except for the fact I have scared others. The reason I don't regret it is because how I was truly feeling. ANd I have been trying to talk myself out of how I was feeling and doing what I could to avoid those feelings. Because IRL, no one knows about them and a few people I did try to talk to about it basically have the same response. "everyone is struggling this year" " we all have our challenges this year" or like my dad, he gets upset when I try to tell him I am depressed and just says "yeah, you are miserable, I get it"

The truth is, what I was feeling was very valid and true. And this may sound awful, but I don't care that everyone is struggling this year. That doesn't make MY struggle any better, I have been dying inside. I have been in unbearable pain. I dont care what the year is, I know that I didn't want to be made to feel like my pain wasn't valid or I should just write it off to it being a rough year for everyone. I am having MY experience. But i kept thinking something is wrong with me, like I should talk myself out of my feelings and maybe they aren't a big deal.

But they were a huge deal. I haven't felt this awful in I couldn't tell you how long. ANd it was/is scary. I have never ever felt so so alone in my life. Actually, I feel abandoned. Not anyone elses fault. But I remember the last time i felt abandoned and scared is when my dad left and my mom went crazy. ANd that was when my survival skills kicked in. Where I felt I had no one. I didn't want to ask for help because I felt like everyone had failed me who was supposed to help me in my life. Then eventually my husband did the same. And I have always played everything off as I got it handled, I can do it on my own. ANd I do, but you know what? It scares the bejsus out of me to keep doing everything on my own. ANd I got back to that place.

But being able to say I am in massive amounts of pain has kind of freed me from it. To stop telling myself "I can handle this" when I honestly don't feel like I can. I just need to be honest with myself. ANd now that I am, I feel lighter.

I took a lot of punches this year. Everyone has, I know. But I have been taking a beating every single year pretty much. There was a few good ones where things felt like they were turning around, but I would get crushed again. ANd truth is, I trust nothing anymore.

All of that being said. I do feel better. I do need to make changes to deal with my feelings. Because I wasn't dealing with them in a healthy way. I'm ready to feel good again. I am going to do what it takes. Get healthy. physically and emotionally. Do what I need for me. Put me first for once. Try to accept help and ask for it when I need it without fear of judgement, rejection, or someone seeing me as an inconvenience. ANd I realize a sign of strength is asking for help when you need it.

I also realized why I gained weight and couldn't lose weight is because I kind of lost all willpower. ANd i basically just didn't care anymore. I care again. I am 40, which people keep calling young? It really isn't too late for me. I can feel good about myself again and achieve some goals.

COVID is rough for a single person with no family. But i have to learn to adapt. I'm sure I will figure it out and be happy at the same time.

Thanks for all the support as always. For 13 years this has been my safe place and I am thankful for that. I think this is the one last place i need to leave behind. I feel like it ties me to the past too much. Most people leave here when they move on with someone else. They build this new life and leave this place behind. It's a reminder. No one wants that and they want to leave it in the past. It might be time for me to leave it in the past too. most of you know where to find me on the other side

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I can't remember the exact wording, but this meme keeps coming up on my FB feed, and it's about trauma survivors declining help and how that's part of the trauma. You survived a lot of loss and trauma by being the "tough" one and you've recognized now that you need to ask for and RECEIVE help.

I wonder if an ACOA group might be helpful to you - not that alcohol was the primary issue with your parents, but the issues YOU have from being raised by them are similar to the issues of adult children of alcoholics. You might find some useful fellowship there. People who understand your pain in a deep way.

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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Hello folks!

It’s been a good break and I realize I probably need more of a break. However, I did have a huge epiphany today I wanted to share. And it was actually thanks to a post on another site. I love that site. I only joined because I could find out what my exercise class was before they happened. Anyways....

A woman posted about how she was going to break up with her boyfriend, because once again she wasn’t being seen. She’s a 43 and says she realized that her boyfriend only loves that she listens to him. That her last few relationships they just like how they feel with her. Love, supported and listened to them. But they really had no clue about who she is, what makes her tick, and none have really cared about who SHE is.

And holy relatable! That has been almost all of my relationships! Men love how I care about them, listen, and put them first. Especially M. I was his sounding bird, I made him feel heard. But what was lacking was him not seeing me. He never listened to me, invalidated me, and I wasn’t important. And any other guy I have dated have just cared about what I do for them and not who I actually am.

And while I shouldn’t be with people like that, the right man will see ME, I do allow that behavior. I make myself insignificant in a relationship. I have got to stop that. And I’m excited to. And I am going to get more time to get to know myself out side of a relationship. And not be afraid to show my weaknesses, my quirks, and my needs in a relationship.

No one has ever put me first, or pointed out what they love or what makes me important or exciting, or beautiful. I grew up in the background always. I’m done with that. I like to think I am genuine, but I’m not. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not, I just fade into the background and don’t put it out there and I focus on the needs of everyone else and what parts of me they would like to see, which is the listener and the woman who just makes you feel good. That is not enough and now I know why I’ve had a few say there is “something missing” there is something HUGE missing. And that’s me. All of me.

Still not ready to date, but I’m excited to work on how to change the tide. To have more confidence to make myself someone important. To show my not so great quirks along with my great ones. To not only define myself by being someone’s emotional support pet. My ability to listen and empathize is something I love about me, but there are so many other parts. And I have to see them so others can see them too.

Anyways. Had to get that out. I finally feel psyched about something .

I had my foot surgery and I’m still in pain, but I’m getting around and doing ok . Work is work, I’m glad to see people again. I absolutely adore my coworkers and the hospital I work at. I should be getting my COVID vaccine within a few weeks and I’m stoked about that. They already began vaccinating last week and there have been no bad reactions. The bad stuff has been some really really sad deaths due to COVID.

I’m still struggling for sure. But I was feeling zero hope. Due to covid, due to pain, due to not being able to figure out why I am so unlucky in love . This realization has given me some hope and light at the end of the tunnel. Or at least strength and a confidence I’ve never had from never being seen by pretty much anyone in my life. Very important to truly see myself. I have known my worth, but I didn’t trust it and I have held it back and felt the only part anyone could ever want is how I give to them. But that not true.

Anyways. Off tomorrow and getting a massage and lunch with my cousin. A little treat. Why not ?

Last edited by job; 12/21/20 03:59 PM. Reason: Removed reference name to another site that is not related to DB
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.... and KML, I think Alanon would be good for me. My mother was an addict. Not alcohol, but drugs . And it shaped my life and who I am today sadly enough. And all I said above probably has a lot to do with that.

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Quote
And while I shouldn’t be with people like that, the right man will see ME, I do allow that behavior. I make myself insignificant in a relationship. I have got to stop that. And I’m excited to. And I am going to get more time to get to know myself out side of a relationship. And not be afraid to show my weaknesses, my quirks, and my needs in a relationship.


Girl! You GOT it!!! Omg this is what we’ve been trying to tell you. Make THEM prove themselves to YOU. Don’t be so easy and accommodating. Don’t give out more than you’re getting back, especially early on! And yes, it’s all about your FOO issues, or mostly.

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