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Hi Steve, I'm so glad you're starting therapy!! You've struggled with letting go. You keep contacting her (and allowing her to contact you), trying to control her (and allowing her to control you). A therapist can be very helpful at figuring out why you're not able to move beyond your old patterns and form effective strategies for doing so. I seek therapists when I feel in a mental rut. Asking for help at the right times is a strength.



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Well the therapist was an eye opener. Told me some things I needed to hear but didnít want to.

She about cried when I told her my sitch, the lying, having to move our home, how Iím struggling now, etc. she commended me on not retaliating and told me it took a lot of strength to do that. In her opinion the relationship my WW is in probably wonít last and she might just come back because I have always been her constant, her safe place, etc. she thinks itís because I was abandoned by my father as a kid and by my W several times i have such a hard time letting go and being alone. She calls it an anxious attachment style. She made me answer if I wanted her to come back. I told her the truth ďI honestly donít know anymore, I do love my W but this was really bad and I donít know if I could ever let this goĒ her advice was pretty simple just in case, Practice now, decide later if that day comes.

Let her go.
Let the whole thing go.
Setup neutral boundaries to things I donít want to do.
Accept this is life now.
Stop fighting the changes.
Let her figure out what she wants to do. Without my input.
Stop trying to rescue her from her mistakes.
Distract myself with anything I can when thoughts intrude.
Work on loving myself again. Stop focusing on my shortcomings in the M.
Prepare that she never comes back and Iím on my own.
Get to the point where I am ok being alone, single dad, detached from her.

Really similar advice as you guys give, minus the saving the M. Most of you here donít think I can or should do that. But it seems like that doesnít really matter since after IC today there doesnít seem to be anything I can do anyways but look at what I did wrong come up with ways to not repeat that behavior. See if this thing of hers fizzles out. Back away in the meantime. If she doesnít come back take that knowledge to the best relationship and do better.

Iím supposed to keep a log of any interaction I have with her this week. Also Iím not allowed to initiate any interaction we have for next week. The therapist doesnít want me contacting her whatsoever and wants me to ignore anything that isnít regarding the children directly for this week and report back on how that goes. Again similar to advice here but Iíve been unable to go a week since OM drop a month ago. Iím determined to do it this time.

Last edited by Steve_; 11/30/20 08:32 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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Hi Steve_,

Sounds like a great session! I deleted this, then re-added it. It seems in-line with her advice--

Originally Posted by Steve_
It was about the kids and that was it. I donít know where I went terrible wrong here. Maybe I just donít get it. It was a conversation I couldnít avoid.


You certainly could. I'm on good enough terms with my ex-wife she wants to rekindle a relationship--and we don't chat as often as you and your ex-wife! My GF doesn't call or see her ex-husband at all.

Consider just the first statement you made--

Originally Posted by Steve_
I told her once they find out OM is more than a friend it will hurt them and change thier relationship with her forever and we need to prepare for that. Especially with my son. She continues to deny it will be a problem and says he and OM get along fine. Sure, until he realizes thatís who replaced daddy. But I guess thatís her problem.


First, "we" (you and her) no longer exist.

Second, telling her what she NEEDS to do is controlling. You've done that multiple times in this thread. She doesn't have to prepare for that. She's an adult and the kids' guardian during her custody period. She gets to decide what's best for them during her custody period, short of certifiable neglect or abuse.

Third, you say "That's her problem." If you truly believe that, this interaction was more about her than the kids. If you believe this is a problem for your son, then take action yourself. Be a leader instead of a follower or that person who tells others what to do! Make YOUR story epic and amazing.




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Be a leader instead of a follower.
SO strong CW!


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Originally Posted by Steve_
I have always been her constant, her safe place, etc. she thinks itís because I was abandoned by my father as a kid and by my W several times i have such a hard time letting go and being alone. She calls it an anxious attachment style.


I can relate, Steve. I also have abandonment issues from my childhood and have an anxious attachment style (Aka codependency). I also was able to get my ex back 4x (I cringe when I admit that I accepted her back so many times after leaving me) before she last left, I really struggled with letting go and obsessive ruminating.

The single best thing that has helped me in my journey has been staying single and going pitch black no contact with my ex. I've been single for almost 18 months now - by far the longest I've ever been single. It has been extremely painful and lonely but has also been very rewarding as I have learned to be ok by myself. I've also learned that I don't need a woman to validate me.

No longer will I tolerate anything less than I deserve from a partner because I know I will be just fine or without them. It's truly a game changer when you start to find your self worth again.

It's a long journey, Steve. But so rewarding. It's time for you find what makes you happy outside of your "relationship" and make yourself the focus.

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Yep I was trying to like get her to see reality. Try to make her see the consequences of her actions. After IC I see that I was trying to manipulate still. Which is why I wonít be taking to her at all anymore unless she reaches out for the kids or itís an emergency. The reason she kept running is because we manipulated each other back. That canít happen anymore. She must choose to be with me of her own accord or it wonít ever work. And the way the therapist explained it today It doesnít make my day to day easier yet but I do feel that I really need to detach and let the cards fall as they may. I this will be my first straight 48 hours of no contact at all. The first 24 was really hard. Still hard now but itís what I need to do itís not like I have a choice if I want to get better.

Last edited by Steve_; 11/30/20 09:08 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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You can do it. Keep up the IC and start finding new hobbies or reconnecting with old ones. Make life about the kids and yourself.

Time will heal this. And as slow as it marches you always look back and wonder where it went. Hang in there. The pain will get better if you stick to your guns and stop reopening the healing wound.


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W: 34
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Married 16 years
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Steve,

You are a mess - I think you know this, but you need to stop being selfish and take responsibilty as a father. Yes - I called you selfish.. Because IMO you are soooooo focused on WW, the rest of the world is passing you by, and i'm pretty sure your actions are having an impact on your children.

You know the script - you have read Sandys rules - WW turn into selfish creatures.. FACT !
Your WW is a selfish piece of trash. Introducing your children to OM so soon says it all - Just wrong. She did not consider your children at all. Joseph has commented on your thread. Like you, it took him a while to see that life is better once your beat the WW addiction. Once that happened, he started to see his WW for what she was, and it changed him as a man. You really need to kick your own a&& into touch - we cannot do it for you. And the starting point shoudl be the children - they are young and this manipulation and silly games on both parts ( yours and WWs ) will impact on them.

Originally Posted by Steve_

she asked me to watch him more days so she could recover from surgery, I just said "No I cant I have to work and I have appointments, im sorry" (In the past I for sure would have called in, adjusted anything for her)


Wrong answer !!!!! - Anything for her ?

STOP thinking about her. Your Son wanted to be with you as he doesnt like his home enviroment with his WW mother - and your reply is to say no - but in the past you would have adjusted anything for her ???? - Your thought should be anything for him ! - Your focus needs to be your Son, but you are thinking about your cheating ex !. If you had work and non moveable appointments, then thats fair enough - But you need to focus on you and and the children. That comment in bold shows how messed your logic is - WW is your first thought - Not the children - Wrong Wrong Wrong.

Originally Posted by Steve_

She is absolutely gone, our son was her pride and joy nothing would ever come between them.


Sorry Steve, everybody but you can see one thing - She was never there in the first place ! So what are you going to do ? WW is pushing son away - Man up, lose the self pity, start to work on your self respect and become the best dad your can be..

Originally Posted by Steve_

admit that I have a serious issue because of being abandoned as a child which is probably why im so attached.


You have issues - you also have a responsibility - ensure your children don't go down this route. You need to man up and step up. How do you think your children feel - their world just got turned upside down - Yet most of your posts focus on you or your unhealthy obsession with WW....

So... Think about his....

I suspect when you see your children, you ask questions about your WW or OM... I dont know this for sure, but based on your unhealthy obsession, its pretty much a given.. If you are STOP.

Make the time with the children about you and the kids.. You don't mention WW or OM. If they mention, validate and support but don't get drawn in. Do something positive to take their minds off it / change the subject.

Make memories - And that doesnt mean sticking them in front of the TV with the disney channel. Fresh air and fun.

These memories are for you and the children - You don't need to post them over social media or send to WW - Posting on SM or sending to WW screams "look at me" - wrong focus - it should be for Kids Kids Kids - Its not about you or the WW.

Have the children as often as you can - You are doing this for them and you - Not for the WW.. If they kids want to be with you, move heaven and earth to make it happen around work.

Become their ROCK !

And start today.




Last edited by MrBrside; 12/01/20 09:56 AM.

Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Originally Posted by Steve_
Yep I was trying to like get her to see reality. Try to make her see the consequences of her actions. After IC I see that I was trying to manipulate still. Which is why I wonít be taking to her at all anymore unless she reaches out for the kids or itís an emergency. The reason she kept running is because we manipulated each other back. That canít happen anymore. She must choose to be with me of her own accord or it wonít ever work. And the way the therapist explained it today It doesnít make my day to day easier yet but I do feel that I really need to detach and let the cards fall as they may. I this will be my first straight 48 hours of no contact at all. The first 24 was really hard. Still hard now but itís what I need to do itís not like I have a choice if I want to get better.


This is great! This is what we tried so hard to get you to see. Every time you made a little comment to her "Well, you aren't moving towards me." "The kids will be upset once they realize that OM is more than a friend" etc, it was you still trying to wake her up and manipulate her and the situation! I am glad the IC was able to get through, and that is what we were so hoping for you.

I really believe that IC is a 100% must. Those posters that resist it flail along with bad decision after bad decision. We've seen some examples of that here over the last few years, and it is always painful for those of us that want to and try to help to witness. The biggest excuse is "I can't afford it", and my response is always the same: You cannot afford NOT to!

Keep moving forward Steve_, you've got this.


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So glad to hear you've started sessions with IC.

When we suggest NC, except something important regarding the kids.........it doesn't mean you contact your spouses and use the kids to get into a R talk. Example below: (I won't copy the entire post.)

Quote
Talked on the phone to WW yesterday for awhile regarding the children. I told her once they find out OM is more than a friend it will hurt them and change thier relationship with her forever and we need to prepare for that. Especially with my son. She continues to deny it will be a problem and says he and OM get along fine. Sure, until he realizes thatís who replaced daddy. But I guess thatís her problem.

She asked me why I donít call when I need things, why I donít talk to her or get on face time. I lied about it hurting me and just told her ďyou have a boyfriend, I know he gets upset when we talk, Iím not trying to cause you problemsĒ she said ďI donít care what he thinksĒ ďcall me anytimeĒ yeah Iím not gonna do that. But that shows a real small amount of respect for him already. What a mess.

I told her that if she is ready I have a family therapist willing to help us with the kids because they keep being confused by the situation and donít know we are getting a divorce. They want all of us to live together. I told her at some point they need to know that mom and dad are not gonna be together anymore and they are going to live this way from now on. She said she isnít ready to make that decision yet. She hasnít made a final choice yet.

I was just like wow in my own mind. She isnít gonna leave the OM not anytime soon, not until something bad happens. She is just trying to avoid reality and pain at all cost. She didnít even want to go to thanksgiving but her family made her and it was really weird. She said she has made this mistake before and rushed into it.


I'd like to use your post above as an illustration for newcomers trying to go NC, and use their kids for the reason behind the call. I'd guess the thing that immediately gave it away was when you said, "Talked on the phone to WW yesterday for awhile regarding the kids". smile Then you started talking to her about the OM and how it could affect your kids, and basically turned into a R talk. Although the conversation included your son, this is not what we normally refer to as a kid related contact! We are talking about some type of information being passed from one parent to the other parent that is directly linked to the children. Maybe others won't agree with me, IDK. IMHO, we are referring to something like logistics. Some detail or specific question about the child that would require checking with the other parent. Like, if one parent took the child to the doctor and was prescribed medicine. See what I mean? It's something one parent would need to know......and that's the reason for the exception to NC. I remember one case where the LBH would call the WW to remind her to put a coat the child before leaving the house. (smh)


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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