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Originally Posted by BenB
Been over a month since my last update and as you can see, I don't post very often. Main reason is I don't have much to update really.

There were a few months were I spent some time with XW but I started to get suspicious of her intentions. I guess I will never know why she reached out so often but my guess is that I am some sort of safe space for her. Another reason is that most likely she misses my dog which used to be our dog. So I started to pull back, kept my answers short when she messaged. Eventually I started to hear less from her. Between October and just until a few days ago we had zero communication. Then she reached out and asked what type of CBD oil I use and asked if I was home so she can come over and look at it. I found this odd as I could of course just snap a picture and send her. But I was out with the dog, far from where she was so I told her that.

She messaged me again when she returned home to show me which one she ended up buying. When she reaches out for these seemingly unimportant things, I can't help but to think she has some sort of ulterior motive. Perhaps to come and see the dog, or maybe even hoping to have a meal at my place as she knows I cook good food.

I don't think we will ever R or even be friends at some point. I've come to the realization that she views me more as a parent. It's sad but my focus now is to be attractive for my next partner.

I came to this forum hoping to save my marriage but like many others, I wasn't able to. I wouldn't trade this experience and the man I've become for anything but it still feels sad to think about how something that started so beautiful ended in such a terrible way.

I'll probably be posting less on this forum, even less that I have been now. My full focus is on my work out, I've gotten so far that I am considering perhaps competing in the next few years. But we'll see about that. I'm turning 40 in less than a month and I'm proud of myself for keeping this up, in February 2 years since BD.



Ben, good to hear your update. I think you've come so far from where you started, and you should be commended for that! The strong attachment to someone is very difficult to break. And the only way to do is a CLEAN break. You are right, she has zoned you in a place that you are not willing to be for her. I think you've done the right thing being very distant and short in your answers. I would even suggest for you (this is not general advice for anyone reading this) to even just start ignoring some of her queries. There may even be a time when the day comes that you just have to tell her flat out "Look, I've moved on with my life and am not interested in this level of engagement with you. I pray for nothing but good things for your future."

I say all of this because I know how miserable I was in my longtime ex's friend-zone. She was a master manipulator. The first time she manipulated me that was on her. Every time after that was on me. We allow and teach people how to treat us, and I had taught her that she could jerk my chain, treat me like dirt ("I want to be with you!"......"Go away, I am busy!") but that I would always come back for more. Until I finally didn't. It took a while but she finally saw that I wasn't taking the bait or on the hook anymore. And her reach outs became less frequent, and much more formal ("How you doing? How are the wife and kids?") I haven't heard from her for a long time, mainly because I made it clear that there was no chance for the two of us, ever. Making the decision several years ago that I wouldn't even entertain more than a casual, acquaintance relationship with her. Her and I still have a circle of friends and family that overlap so we still will run into each other occasionally at events (once every few years, funerals mostly) but I keep our interactions brief and very formal.

Ben, you will miss her still. And you will still think "maybe this reach out will be the ONE that starts us on the path to R". That is what you need to work on. Make the decision that you wouldn't be open to R with her EVEN if she were to come back and make it known. That way you can move on and forward and not be burden with her as anchor. I can tell you, I was hindered in my dating life greatly because I was always keeping one ear to the ground hoping she was coming back my way. The sooner you can make that decision for yourself, the sooner you can move on completely.


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Thank you Steve,

I agree with a lot you say but her reaching out gives me zero hope that she wants to R, nor am I keeping my ear to the ground hoping she will come back.

If at any point it would become too much, I would absolutely tell her she needs to stop contacting me. But honestly, I doubt I will hear much from her ever again. In the past 2 months she has reached out twice. And those are for her own selfish reasons I'm sure.

Perhaps I missed her more than a year ago when she moved out but even then it had more to do with me living on my own again for the first time in a decade. I do, however, miss the life we had but the person she was then is gone as of almost 2 years now. That person isn't coming back.

Being without her isn't something I struggle with. That is part of the reason I don't see any point posting much here anymore. I've gotten as far as I can when it comes to the situation with XW. My self improvement continues forever but I have gotten all the help I can get from you guys.

I will post if there are any updates regarding XW but that is mostly so others can learn how WWs can behave, even years after BD.


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
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Hi Ben,

Glad to hear from you, and to hear that your life is on a good track. Take care!

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Hey B!

I doubt there's much of an ulterior motive to your W reaching out, I think she just misses you. When she doesn't talk to you or see you for a while she starts missing you, and eventually she misses you enough to reach out (which she probably hates doing, so she's got to find some reason for it like the CBD oil). It's a product of your detachment. Now it doesn't mean she wants to recon, she's just trying to hang on a little bit in case she decides that's what she wants later.

^^Nothing scientific about that, it's just my intuition based on some similar situations.

Originally Posted by BenB
I don't think we will ever R or even be friends at some point. I've come to the realization that she views me more as a parent.


You've probably heard me say it before but I really do believe that most marriages never recon because eventually the LBS decides it's not what they want. After we go through the healing and growth process, many of us come to the realization that regardless of who the WAS was when we married them, they are no longer that person and no longer who we want to spend our life with.

Quote
I'll probably be posting less on this forum, even less that I have been now. My full focus is on my work out, I've gotten so far that I am considering perhaps competing in the next few years. But we'll see about that. I'm turning 40 in less than a month and I'm proud of myself for keeping this up, in February 2 years since BD.


Outstanding! I really thought about competing in amateur bodybuilding about a year ago, but Covid has really set back my progress a lot. I'm not getting any younger either and finding it harder to stay trim. Congrats on your upcoming bday! I will be 60 in June, can hardly believe it.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by BenB
Thank you Steve,

I agree with a lot you say but her reaching out gives me zero hope that she wants to R, nor am I keeping my ear to the ground hoping she will come back.

If at any point it would become too much, I would absolutely tell her she needs to stop contacting me. But honestly, I doubt I will hear much from her ever again. In the past 2 months she has reached out twice. And those are for her own selfish reasons I'm sure.

Perhaps I missed her more than a year ago when she moved out but even then it had more to do with me living on my own again for the first time in a decade. I do, however, miss the life we had but the person she was then is gone as of almost 2 years now. That person isn't coming back.

Being without her isn't something I struggle with. That is part of the reason I don't see any point posting much here anymore. I've gotten as far as I can when it comes to the situation with XW. My self improvement continues forever but I have gotten all the help I can get from you guys.

I will post if there are any updates regarding XW but that is mostly so others can learn how WWs can behave, even years after BD.





I am glad to hear all of this! What I went through for so long I wouldn't wish on anyone....including my worst enemy.

Onward and upward, Ben!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Thank you CW, AS and Steve,

Completely agree, what we have been through is so shocking and unexpected and not something you would wish on anyone! Yet at the same time, we wouldn't be the better versions of ourselves we are without the experience. It's interesting how life works this way.

And how unfortunate most people won't see these situations as opportunities to grow and learn.


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
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Hey everyone,

Wanted to recommend a GAL activity that has helped me tremendously these past few weeks. Ice bathing! If it is cold where you live and you can swim somewhere, I couldn´t recommend it more. Helps me clear my mind and just feel great the rest of the day. I did cryotherapy for this reason as well but that is quite expensive and the effect from bathing lasts much longer.

Just remember never to do it alone if you are outdoor and practice your breathing technique. Biggest mistake is to get out of the water before your get your breathing under control. My new goal now is to do it once a week and then next month travel up north where I can do it proper freezing temperatures. I've also found an outdoor swimming club that I've joined so great way to meet other people.


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Joined: May 2019
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I don't have many updates usually since we are living separate lives but will update every once in a while anyway

XW reached out last month for a kitchen appliance that was given as a gift to us but she considers hers and said she can come pick it up and mentioned she would love to see the dog as well. I had forgotten all about it since I never use it. But I told her I can send it to her instead. She seemed annoyed by that answer and wrote "Okay.........."

About two weeks ago I wired her the last of the money I owed her in our divorce settlement and sent her a list of all wires. She responded a week later and again asked for the kitchen device. I apologized for not sending it yet but said I will. She responded that I can take my time since she doesn't need it but again offered to come to my place and get it. I responded that I don't think we should ever see or speak to each other ever again.

Her next email she wrote "Oh okay...that's sad to hear"

A day or so later I spontaneously went out with a friend to a restaurant and then to a bar where we ran into some mutual friends. Suddenly I hear someone yell my name. I turn around and it is XW's best friend who runs up and gives me the biggest hug. 

Friend:  It's soo good to see you! I've missed you so much! How are you?

We talk a bit and she keeps saying so many nice things about me.

Friend: I told XW multiple times that she will NEVER find another man like you! Ever!!

Me: That is very sweet of you to say, thank you.

Friend: no, really! And Ben, you are the best, XW says so many nice things about you! She said you've handled this better than any man ever could!

Me: That's nice to hear

Friend: And you know, I know she changed a lot but you should know, she never cheated on you!! 

Me: You mean besides bringing a man into our home and having sex with him?

When I said this, her face turned white as a ghost and jaws dropped. And I realize, she hasn't told her friend. I was stunned. I mean, now that I think of it, it goes against her values so much so it doesn't surprise me she wants to keep that perfect image of herself to everyone but this is her best friend, she was maid of honor at our wedding.

Friend: What!!!?? Is this true?

Me: I assumed you knew. 

Friend: Oh my god. When, how?

Me: Does it really matter? It was shortly before I told her to move out and it was while I was out of town. 

I could see her head trying to make sense of it all. Her eyes teared up and she hugged me. 

Me: Hey, it's fine, I'm ok.  This is a while ago now. I wish her nothing but the best.

We talked a bit more and she kept repeating "wow, there really are two sides to every story, I can't believe this" 

Throughout this time, I have made sure never to ask anyone anything about her. Never when I have met our mutual friends, never when her dad has reached out to me, never when her sister or sister's boyfriend messaged me. Not once have I mentioned her name to anyone. I know my family still follows her on social media but I have never asked them or even been tempted to look. But as I'm sitting there with friend of XW, she keeps telling me all these things about her and I realize, I don't care. I don't care where she lives, what she is doing. 

The only time I raised an eyebrow was when she said XW often grabs her phone to watch my stories on Instagram since I have blocked her. But that comes as no surprise either. Especially not after reading what Sandi wrote to Pack in her latest post.

All she is to me now is someone I used to know.


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
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Ben, excellent update! I think you handled everything perfectly, though I would send that appliance ASAP so that she doesn't keep pushing coming over.

Funny how cheaters will still try to keep their cheating quiet. Just goes to show that even the worst among us know that cheating is wrong. I would have loved to see her friend's face when you dropped that bomb! Had to be priceless.

Keep on keeping on, Ben!


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Dang!! That is hilarious!

Ben, you da man on this, I gotta say! You stood tall and look at you now. You are man that has my respect.

Also, the ice bathing thing is interesting so I'm going to read more on that. Even though I wish to be a tropical man outside of duck season, I like the mental push you're talking about there.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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