I also look at those movies and think what an idiot my ex was. I was f-ing beautiful in those days. Seriously - no makeup, long straight hair, very slender, I look like a Renaissance madonna or something. Yet he thought my thighs were too fat. His craziness. I never took it onboard. He was lucky to have me. Some people can have all the ingredients for a happy life and still not be happy or appreciate what they have.
You and the boys will be happy to have those memories available and sharable. I don't regret at all spending the time to make digital copies of the pictures that we had. My kids don't care - right now - but they have them if they ever do.
I wouldn't get too wrapped up on how you looked back then nor his criticisms. I think that it's important to some sorts of people to have a "hook" - something they can be unhappy with about their partners. My ex-wife was (and presumably is) short, very overweight - literal rolls of fat, and has skin problems. Didn't matter a hoot to me. Even if that also undoubtedly contributed to her pain and mobility issues that affected activities in the MBR.
She though took care of herself and worked on looking good and dressing well. She also "carried herself" well which I think is a key part of attractiveness. There's nothing as attractive as confidence.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I think that it's important to some sorts of people to have a "hook" - something they can be unhappy with about their partners.
It wasn't just me. My ex had a giant hole in himself that he was trying to fill, and always looking for the next thing to make him feel better. Projects, adventures, remodeling, eventually affairs - all attempts to make things "better" in a way that might make him feel better. He could never just be happy with what he had - which was a LOT! Thankfully I never really let his criticisms of my body affect me - I knew how crazy they were.
Funny, even though my thighs are definitely fat now (they weren't then, at all) it has not been an issue with the partners I've had since my divorce.
Funny, even though my thighs are definitely fat now (they weren't then, at all) it has not been an issue with the partners I've had since my divorce.
More cushion for the pushin
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi KML, what you said about your trip down memory lane rang so true for me, as I'm sure it does a lot of us. We look back and see that person at once was in a whole new light.
My XH too was always to want for more, to fill that void, that "Is there more out there? Something better void". I truly think if you feel that way, you are always going to want for more. Good luck to them.
Be content in the moments that bring you a smile.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
I truly think if you feel that way, you are always going to want for more.
Yes, I wouldn't want to be him. Seems like a miserable way to go through life, as someone will ALWAYS have it better than you. We had a lovely if modest home in the best part of town with a killer ocean view, he had a great career and was tops in his field, three beautiful brilliant kids, a beautiful wife who was funny and highly intelligent and easygoing and willing to mommy-track her own successful career so that he didn't have to be bothered with things like driving them to music lessons etc. We really had quite a good life together but in retrospect, I can see how his essential narcissism (a benign sort, but definitely there) meant that we were all only valuable to him if we made him look good. And the desperate need for that grows out of the fact that he doesn't actually feel comfortable in his own skin, so he's dependent upon that approval from others. Just as he needs constant stimulation, in the form of projects, adventures or affairs, to keep his brain chemicals up.
He's now married to a cute Asian gal 19 years younger than him (So Cal surfer accessory) who is little-girlish and feeds his ego. (Nothing against her, she wasn't an affair partner and isn't a bad person, I actually feel kinda sorry for her but hope she stays with him and takes care of him in his old age).
On the surface, it looks like he's got it all and I got the short end of the stick. But looks can be very deceiving. I'm comfortable, happy in my own skin, and close to our kids. I'd take that any day over what he has.
Another thing I just realized about those home movies. One of my ex’s complaints about me was that I wasn’t tidy enough. While I’m no slob, I’m not the OCD clean freak that he is. But looking through all those home movies - our house looked great! Wood floors swept, no dust bunnies (no mean feat when you have a German Shepherd), furniture tidy, no piles of anything. Sure, in some the kids’ toys are scattered around because they were young and actively using them. But even my main weakness, which is a tendency to accumulate little piles of books or paperwork that I’m working in, is nowhere to be seen. I was actually a much better housekeeper than I thought! (Granted, in later years we got a cleaning lady who came once every two weeks which was a huge help, but clearly I was maintaining things well in between).
On the Covid front - the hospital where my niece works as an RN just got two refrigerator trucks to use a temporary morgues, and it's stressing her out. She just lost a patient, a mom in her early 50's whose preteen daughter broke the rules and let a friend come over - and brought Covid into the house. Imagine how that poor kid feels? My niece is working crazy hours, and since she cares for the very sickest patients, has seen a lot of deaths even in younger people. She has a 19 year old patient right now.
Please folks, don't let pandemic fatigue creep in, we all need to keep to safe practices until the virus is under control. It's just a few more months until we all can get the vaccine, but in the meantime, please save lives.
For quite a while I believed my ex-wife was a hoarder and a generally messy person. I probably was right - at least from my point of view. Usually dirty dishes left on the counter, sweeping and washing rarely done. She regarded it as "her role" though and woe-betide me if I did much although I did do the dishes fairly often without her complaining if memory serves. There were accumulating piles of "stuff" here and there although in the last 5 or 6 years we were together after the kids moved out she actively got into the idea of purging - mostly at the insistence of our daughter.
Amazing how much of those years is rather a blank these days.
Anyhoodles - looking at pictures from back then compared to what things were after S and her crew moved in - like I told my son some time ago - I didn't know how good I had it back then
Goes to show how our perceptions of the past have a certain amount of plasticity. I was certainly happier without her than with her although even now do miss some of the things we would do together well like grocery shopping or going out for our regular weekly breakfasts. Habits of the bulk of my adult life in fact.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
For quite a while I believed my ex-wife was a hoarder and a generally messy person. I probably was right - at least from my point of view. Usually dirty dishes left on the counter, sweeping and washing rarely done.
See, I think of myself as a sub-par housekeeper in large part because of my ex's view. But dirty dishes are never left out (my boys might leave a rinse plate or cup by the sink). Laundry has always been done weekly (and in between if needed). Our floors in our old house needed a lot of sweeping as they were wood and the usually-open french doors to the back porch/yard meant a lot of traipsing in and out by the dog and cat and kids. We also lived on a canyon so a fair amount of dust would blow in. But from those home movies, I was keeping up with the sweeping and dusting pretty well. It almost looks like one of those photos in Apartment Therapy, minus the plants (I'm terrible with houseplants. Oops - that reminds me - it's after the first of the month, time for the once monthly watering of my snake plant, which is delightfully tolerant of neglect.)
My current house is definitely in need of some serious decluttering, but it's almost all my fault. My unfinished reupholstery project is still sitting in the middle of the family room (my weekend project, all I need to do to finish it is sew the new seat cover and staple if all back up with the staple gun.) I need to put away all the video tapes from my digitizing project (and start on the audiotapes I have). The usual weekend chores of mopping the kitchen floor, cleaning the guest bath (CMM keeps ours spotless and the boys do their own bathroom), and vacuuming/dusting. I'll also start putting out Xmas decorations, although I will probably wait another week to get a tree, as I don't want it to be dangerously dried out by Xmas.
The project I'd like to tackle next is my walk-in closet but I might wait until after Xmas for that, when I have the whole week off. I'd like to set up one of the drum kits downstairs in the living room with the new mutes that Santa is bringing me so I can practice without waking my sleeping son upstairs. That will free up a lot of space in the walk-in closet, and if I ruthlessly purge my clothes, I could turn it into a much better organized and accessible space. My biggest vice is not getting rid of clothes that no longer fit, in the hopes of losing weight and fitting back into them. But I'm in a mood to be ruthless right now. I can always buy cute new clothes if (when!) I get skinnier, right?
(Btw no one really uses the living room where I plan to put the drums. It's like our formal living room and nobody sits there except at holidays. The dining table at the end of the large room only gets used for Dungeons and Dragon games, which are on hold due to the pandemic. My vibraphone already lives there. I've even thought of one day moving the furniture from it altogether and just letting it be a music room. )
