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Steve_ Offline OP
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I also plan to admit to the doctor that I am severely depressed, I have lost 46 pounds. I don't eat well, I don't sleep well, I put up a front all day at work and around her so she doesn't feel guilty. I do my best to do so for the kids. I haven't had a lot of time to myself to sort of just let this wash over me and accept it. its been crammed down my throat for the past 35 days at rapid speed and I just sat there spinning out of control trying to figure it out. I am a total mess. I am keeping up appearances to others but inside its pretty bad. Lots of anger, resentment, hopelessness, jealousy, all of that. The worst part is that it will be that way for a long time. If I don't really start to find a good way to drop this rope and be okay with myself its gonna take me down with it. That is what my therapist buddy told me. He is right. Today begins the day I stop trying to save my marriage and just try to save myself. Whatever happens to the M isn't on me anymore. Ill repost next week and let you guys know how the first week goes. I keep dragging myself here to barf everthing out and that may actually be not helping.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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My best advice is to start working out in tandem with IC. It will help with your depression and anxiety. You can also use your anger to fuel your workouts.

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Steve are you writing down these horrendous interactions with kids?
You w deserves to have her kids taken away from her. For ever!
Again, read Josephís thread.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Steve_ Offline OP
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Talked on the phone to WW yesterday for awhile regarding the children. I told her once they find out OM is more than a friend it will hurt them and change thier relationship with her forever and we need to prepare for that. Especially with my son. She continues to deny it will be a problem and says he and OM get along fine. Sure, until he realizes thatís who replaced daddy. But I guess thatís her problem.

She asked me why I donít call when I need things, why I donít talk to her or get on face time. I lied about it hurting me and just told her ďyou have a boyfriend, I know he gets upset when we talk, Iím not trying to cause you problemsĒ she said ďI donít care what he thinksĒ ďcall me anytimeĒ yeah Iím not gonna do that. But that shows a real small amount of respect for him already. What a mess.

I told her that if she is ready I have a family therapist willing to help us with the kids because they keep being confused by the situation and donít know we are getting a divorce. They want all of us to live together. I told her at some point they need to know that mom and dad are not gonna be together anymore and they are going to live this way from now on. She said she isnít ready to make that decision yet. She hasnít made a final choice yet.

I was just like wow in my own mind. She isnít gonna leave the OM not anytime soon, not until something bad happens. She is just trying to avoid reality and pain at all cost. She didnít even want to go to thanksgiving but her family made her and it was really weird. She said she has made this mistake before and rushed into it.

I just said hey itís fine, Iím good where Iím at Iím not in a rush to break it to the kids, start seeing other people Iím good working on myself.

She asked how work was I just said ďactually I gotta goĒ

That was yesterday. Havenít said a word since. Donít plan on it. Iíll call at 7 but only put the kids on as I been doing. Not being in her life is the best thing I can do for both of us. I know everything she says is crap. She isnít going to leave OM any time soon. This is my life now itís time to accept that. She doesnít care about anything but herself. She didnít even put a sweater on our kids to drop them off and itís mfreezing. Her sister went off on her for that. Iím just going to keep up with neccesary only contact and do the best I can for my kids. Itís eating me alive but I know that wonít last forever. Even if it seems like it right now. I get a lot of moments of sadness with the kids and the holidays that our family is broken. That my life went from well off to making it by. Being alone is tough. But I know itís what is necessary to heal. Looking forward to my IC appt tomorrow.

Last edited by Steve_; 11/30/20 12:48 AM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,374
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Steve,

Iím not gonna comment on your DBing because I realize youíre not even trying. I just want to say good luck with your therapy tomorrow.

Last edited by LH19; 11/30/20 01:34 AM.

M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ÔŅĹHappiness equals reality minus expectationsÔŅĹ- Magliozzi
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Steve, I'm not sure why you're here. You aren't doing anything advocated in the book or on this forum. If you're using your thread as a journal, then ok. Or maybe you're just putting us on. I'm completely confused at this point. Good luck. I sincerely hope that you move forward healthy and happy.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Steve_ Offline OP
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I couldnít avoid that conversation, she was wanting to medicate my son and continued to ask why he is being so bad there. I just repeated what my therapist friend said regarding the sudden family split and replacement family and how it will lost likely impact him.

I didnít tell her why I donít call with some sad story.

I didnít go on about my day or my life.

It was about the kids and that was it. I donít know where I went terrible wrong here. Maybe I just donít get it. It was a conversation I couldnít avoid. I havenít said a word since. I really hope the IC helps me with a better plan tomorrow. This isnít working and you guys are just getting irritated.

Last edited by Steve_; 11/30/20 03:07 AM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,374
Likes: 137
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Steve,

Iím not sure why Iím going to try to explain this but you both manipulate one another. Your W recognizes that your not good for another and keeps on trying to get away. The problem is she is so messed up she keeps attracting messed up guys and the cycle continues. Until you both seek professional help this will most likely ever end.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ÔŅĹHappiness equals reality minus expectationsÔŅĹ- Magliozzi
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 511
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Steve_ Offline OP
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Damn, that hit hard.

I think your right. I have in the past used any and every method I could to make her stay when she tried to run the last 3 times. I called her whole family, begged, pleased, faked divorce even threatened suicide. I donít know why I am being so honest here but I think itís because I want to be better. I canít accept her being with someone else. I think I need to let her go to be happy. I do love her and I donít want her to stay with me anymore unless she wants to. Thatís why this time I didnít beg or plead, I donít call her and tell her my pain or tell everyone whatís she is doing. I just sort of sat back and took it, tried to be nice this time. The last 3 times I got her back I used manipulation tactics and I didnít want to do that. This probably will be the time she doesnít come back because I donít guilt her Into it. Iím starting to realize that my W and I used to be great for each other. Years ago when she had a 1 night stand then got pregnant aborted it and told me it was a miscarriage it broke my trust and made me resent her but I didnít want to give up since we were married. I stopped putting my best foot forward a long time ago. I wasnít a bad husband I was kind and good to her, i have to admit I felt like a good person just for staying and that never lasted long, she needed more than that. I think I need to no I know I need to let her go to make this choice on her own. Another day for me of NC. She hasnít contacted me either. Iím just going to continue with NC and let the cards fall where fate puts them. Hard as it may be I do love her and because of that I have to let her go.

Thanks LH. Probably the first time Iíve been honest with myself this entire sitch. That was not easy to write or to share, more even to admit. Iím not going to try to make anything happen here. Just gonna do the old saying let her go and if she comes back ... but work on myself in the meantime.

Last edited by Steve_; 11/30/20 06:50 AM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,374
Likes: 137
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Steve,

Youíre welcome.

The number one problem that gets people here stuck is they want their spouse to be something that they are not. You want your W to be a loving faithful person. She is the exact opposite which is is unfaithful manipulative person. Thatís why you are in so much pain and suffer. I always use the quote ďyou can ignore reality, but you canít ignore the consequences of ignoring realityĒ. If you can really understand that quote you will understand why you are suffering so much.

Iím not going to lie Steve you are a very broken person who who has been through some troubling times. If you want to ever get better you have to stop the cycle and do the hard work to get better. If you canít do it for you then you need to do it for your children. Good luck today with your therapist.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ÔŅĹHappiness equals reality minus expectationsÔŅĹ- Magliozzi
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