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i don't believe opinions hold the same value when it comes to matters of fact. Contrarians, conspiracy theorists, anti-vaxxers and flat-earthers all believe their opinions are valid, yet it's patently clear they're not. They refuse to countenance any other views, secure in some kind of bubble where beliefs can trump facts whenever they choose.

Quite frankly I find them thoroughly disrespectful of both science and reason. I think I'm well within my rights to not have to argue the toss with the wilfully ignorant. That doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't even mean I'm terribly intolerant. It just means I'm not so open-minded my brains have fallen out.

Having said that, I guess it's important to decide what it is that is triggering your discomfort and how much it matters in the long run. I don't think it's possible to have a long-term relationship with somebody without running into different values or beliefs from time to time. If we always ran when that happened we'd all be clearing out our stable of partners and friends - and losing a lifetime of love in the process.

Perhaps it only matters when the toxicity from having to swallow your pride or hold your tongue ends up poisoning your heart or mind. When that happens, it might be time to go.


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I dunno DV. Seems to me the real deal breakers are differing values. Opinions are like a$$holes - everyone's got 'em. He has a much more cynical or pragmatic (depending on your viewpoint) of politicians than you do. I personally think the world would be boring if everyone had the same viewpoint. jmho


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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Really good points...all of you. Devvo...I laughed outloud at your comment about one being so open minded their brains fall out...lol. Yeah...TDH’s opinion on a couple of things are definitely strange given everything else I know about him. I think they would be deal breakers if he expected me to believe what he believes or ridiculed me for believing what I believe. He doesn’t at all. I’m the one that has more of an issue. TBH...prior to the US election four years ago and the craziness that followed, I didn’t tend to talk about this stuff with people. I could not have told you which of my friends had which political views because it rarely, if ever, came up. But...that’s not the case anymore. I ran into a good friend of mine (pool player) who I have known for over 20 years. I have nothing but good things to say about him as a person. But...he stopped me and my sister in the grocery store a couple months ago to tell us that heard that Dr. Fauci, American infectious disease expert, CREATED Corona virus with the drug companies to make money and he believes it. HUH?!? I thought he was joking at first. Apparently not. Did not go down that rabbit hole with him. Pretty pointless, I think.

So...topic change...just had a text from XH asking if I had a pair of jeans for S12 who has been refusing to wear anything but sweat pants for the past year. I told him I had one pair and he texted me that they were doing a photo shoot this weekend. UGH. A “family” photo with OW. I didn’t ask why he wanted the jeans so he had no reason to tell me. I’m sure he couldn’t wait to. The guy is missing a sensitivity chip big time. Not sure why it’s bothering me. I think probably because we never got around to getting a family photo done...always too many other things to do. I’m sad about that. Not for me...cause even if we had, they would be in storage somewhere...but more for my kids. They don’t have a photo of them and their parents...at least not a professional one. And they won’t ever have one. I hope when the photo shoot this weekend doesn’t remind them of that.

Speaking of my kids...the last time they were with me, D12 wanted to talk to me about her dad. She was remembering the timing of when she had met OW and put it together that her dad had been cheating on me. I could see her mind really working to make sense of it. I told her that not everyone has the same values but that I hoped if she ever got married and decided she didn’t want to be married anymore, she would have enough respect for her spouse and her family to end it before she started shopping around for a replacement. She said she definitely would. Was thinking back to the conflict she had had with her dad last week. We had chalked it up to teenage hormones but I can’t help but wonder if some of the “rudeness” that XH was mad about last week had something to do with that revelation. frown

Divorce...the gift that just keeps on giving.... (((HUGS))) to all.

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Was thinking back to the conflict she had had with her dad last week. We had chalked it up to teenage hormones but I can’t help but wonder if some of the “rudeness” that XH was mad about last week had something to do with that revelation.


Oh yeah - I'm sure that was it! You handled it well.

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(Btw - not necessarily meaning that D said something to OW about it, just that the having that insight about the cheating may have resulted in her being generally rude to OW).

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Time for a brief update...

Life just keeps rolling along. XH and I have been texting more lately because of the twins’ birthday coming up and Christmas of course. Want to make sure we aren’t duplicating gifts and in my daughter’s case, we are coordinating complimentary gifts. I texted him yesterday about what our plans are for those dates. Technically, they are scheduled to be with me for their birthday and Christmas Day. If we stuck to our schedule, they would go to his place in time for dinner. But... I know how I would feel if they were scheduled to be at his place so I told him we can work something out. Haven’t heard back yet...not sure why. Not gonna worry about it. I know we’ll figure something out.

The pandemic is wreaking havoc on my love life. Haven’t seen TDH for about ten days and may not see him for a couple more weeks. My province has implemented a “reduce your social circle, stay at home as much as possible, and don’t travel outside of your community” order. His social circle currently is limited to me, his kids, his ex and his mom so I’m not too worried about him being a carrier of CV19 but he does come from the health region with the most cases so it is more about optics and setting a good example. The order “expires” in a week so we’ll see how things go. In the meantime, we talk daily and are still playing our Scrabble games. He also texts me a lot of random messages throughout the day about how much he misses me and loves me. He still isn’t working so I think is going a bit stir crazy. He’s been thinking about a major career change and has been talking about going into healthcare. He could get hired and trained as a care aid and then work towards becoming an LPN. He has the perfect personality for it and he could easily find work near me when he is ready to move. Normally you would have to get the care aid training first and then apply for a job but there are so many vacancies due to the pandemic that employers are now hiring and training on the job. There is a central application process. He sent in his application a few days ago and apparently should hear back within three weeks. The positions are unionized and come with benefits so I think it is a good move for him.

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends!! Hope you manage to find things to be thankful for. (((HUGS)))

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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
He still isn’t working so I think is going a bit stir crazy. He’s been thinking about a major career change and has been talking about going into healthcare.
BWOOP BWOOP BWOOP - Danger Will Robinson!

As I am well aware there seem to be a lot of mid-life people out there who aren't doing for themselves. I presume that there are good and valid reasons as to why TDH isn't able to work at present?

I read all sorts of stories about women who end up supporting their partner and then end up getting the short end of the stick either when they've supported them through a career transition (and paid all the bills) or they just sit on the couch all day. I'm a bit of a poster boy for this story albeit in the other direction.


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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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One big reason Andrew... CV19. The place he was working has been shut down again. He, like thousands of other people in the big city, has been applying lots of places but his particular area is basically in a lockdown.

Anyway...I’m not worried about it AT ALL. For one...I am 100% financially independent and better off than a lot of working couples I know. Second...us moving in together and sharing bills is at least a few years away. Third...he would never be okay with not paying his share of the bills when/if we do eventually live together. He’s a guy’s guy that way and has a lot of pride in that regard. Fourth...he lost a lot in his divorce (as in she got almost everything) but he did well enough that he has no debts. He’s starting from square one again but at least he’s not in the hole. Basically, by the time his financial situation involves me in any way, I will know him really, really well.

TDH really is a great guy. He treats me very well. He thinks of his kids first and me second. This is way better than what I was used to where I was pretty much at the bottom of the priority list. I’m a caregiver so this is stepping outside of my comfort zone. TDH is too so we are in competition in that regard. When he has come over to visit and I’ve gone off to work, he isn’t sitting on the couch. He’s cleaning my house and making me dinner. He’s interacting with my MIL and SD and playing with my dog. The best part is... I don’t need to ask him to do these things, it’s who he is. One could argue that this is him trying to impress me. Could be but again... us living together is years away and the honeymoon stage can only last so long...even in a long distance relationship. So, IMO, the risk of me getting taken advantage of is low. smile

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Time for another update.

The pandemic continues to be front and centre.. Our province is currently going through a second wave and although there has been an upsurge in cases in my area, we are still the shining stars of the province with 65 active cases (population 1,000,000) and, sadly, 11 deaths. Not a high number but that’s irrelevant to the people who lost a loved one. Living on an island has its advantages, I think. Nonetheless, we are being told to keep our bubbles extremely small and to wear our masks at all times in public. I’ve been out many times and have only seen one person without a mask so the level of cooperation with authorities seems to be high. Also a reason our numbers are low, I suspect. Christmas was low key. XH had the kids on Christmas Eve and delivered them to me at around 10:30 Christmas morning. Christmas dinner was me, my kids, SD21 and my sister and her husband. They work from home so their bubble is basically me and my family and one other friend who lives alone. TDH spent Christmas Eve with his mom and Christmas morning with his ex and his kids. I admire his devotion to his kids in that regard although he told me later that this is the last time. He described his ex’s attitude as “soul sucking”. He says she wanted to dictate what he got the kids for Christmas and was mad when he did his own thing. Apparently she is also very angry that he is in love with someone, her affair is engaged to someone else and she is alone. Another example of karma doing it’s thing.

Haven’t seen TDH since mid-November. He is planning to come over tomorrow and stay with me for a few days. Kids are at their dad’s so it will be just me and him and occasionally SD21 who likes to come upstairs when he is here. She just loves him. She bought a game that involves getting smacked in the face with whip cream and the first thing she said was, “I can’t wait to play this with TDH.” His sense of humour is very similar to hers so when I told him about it, he said, ‘We’re going to pay the h3ll out of that game.” Things have been status quo with the two of us. He calls me every day and texts me numerous times. Says he misses me like crazy and he just wants to do things to help me out when he is here. I wanted a devoted, romantic guy and he definitely fits the bill. I didn’t think I could find a guy with a softer heart than mine but I was wrong. He is as sentimental as they come.

Started planning my three-week trip to Croatia next year with my sister et al. We’ve been booking places for six people and for four people...just in case our friend and her husband can’t go. Our friend has been struggling with her MS and just started a course of chemotherapy to try to combat some of her symptoms. Unfortunately, if she still needs a wheelchair next year, she won’t be able to go. She was in a wheelchair for years but then improved to the extent that she hadn’t needed one for the last 15 years. Her pain issues are apparently due to a back problem but not sure how they are planning to treat that (surgery possibly) or when it can actually happen. So our plans are up in the air. TDH is also a question mark due to his employment situation so it is entirely possible that a trip for six turns into a trip for three. There is also the added bonus of CV19 so also possible that the trip doesn’t happen at all. We are preparing ourselves for all of those possibilities so I’m keeping my expectations low. Nice to think it might happen though as it helps me to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Happy New Year to all of you in DB land. Hope 2021 is a better year!!! (((HUGS)))

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Wow...has it been a month since my last update? Some things have stayed the same and some things have changed...or at least decisions have been made that will lead to a big change towards the end of the year.

My XMIL and I have made the decision to sell our home and part ways. I think this was always inevitable as it is difficult to truly be divorced when you are sharing a home with your ex’s mom so I am okay with the decision. The good news is that this was not a decision that was thrust upon both of us. When I approached her to talk about it, I was worried there would be some challenges with respect to the timing and all of the other difficulties that come with moving but there wasn’t at all. I thanked her for all of the sacrifices she has made on behalf of me and her grandchildren and for all of her help over the years. I told her that I knew she wasn’t happy with her space in the house and that at her age, she is wanting to be closer to her son and I totally understand. She thanked me in return and we exchanged “I love you’s” and set a target date of either May or June to list. So...lots to do to get ready and then we are crossing our fingers someone will buy it for what we paid so that we can both walk away with enough money to comfortably pay for our future homes.

Regarding my future home...I am pretty excited about my plans. A couple months ago, I was talking with my sister about the inevitability of me needing to move and what that might look like. She has also talked about making a change in residences and we joked how we could both sell and get separate homes that we are okay with or we could pool our money and get an amazing house. At least it started out as a joke...lol. Anyway...we agreed that if we did live together, it would be important for there to be two primary bedrooms and enough space that she and her husband could retreat if needed. She’s a real estate agent so she had been keeping an eye out for something that might work and came to the conclusion that we are unlikely to find such a house. This led to some “wouldn’t it be cool if...” discussions around the possibility of building. Neither of us have done this before but she and her husband have a lot of connections in the industry so it seemed more doable than it had when I had thought about it in the past.

So...we started looking at house plans that might work and also property. Long story short...there was one property listed in her neighbourhood that ticked every box and then some. She lives close to a lake that is in the centre of town and this property is the LAST building lot on the lake. We came up with a house plan that would work and it is literally our dream house in a dream location that enables my kids to go to the same high school with their friends. So...we put in an offer, it was accepted and we remove our conditions at the end of January. We expect to be able to break ground towards the end of this year or the beginning of next and be living in the home by Christmas 2022. While it’s being built, we will live with her in her current home as it is big enough that we can all have a bedroom. My daughter is over the moon about living on a lake as she loves the water. My son, not so much, but he just hates change in general so I know that he will be unhappy about it until we are moved in and he sees the benefits. In the meantime, we just have to endure his anxiety and reassure him that it will be okay in the end.

Ginger... I can totally relate to your struggles with your 13 year-old. I have similar ones with my 13 year-olds. They have definitely developed minds of their own and also have a tendency towards disrespectful tones as in talking to me like I am one of their buddies and not their mom. It floors me sometimes. Like you, I know they love me but they are also mad at me sometimes. One of the major issues is that they aren’t going to school with their friends due to the pandemic and the vulnerable people in their home(s)- their grandmother in mine and OW in their dad’s. They both miss their friends and being taught by an actual teacher standing in front of them. I feel for them immensely which is why I cut them some slack around their attitudes sometimes but wow, it can be a bit much. A couple days ago, I had a confrontation with my son over it and he eventually confessed to me that he is angry. He is not just angry about school but also because when we moved, I told him we were moving to our “forever home” and we were going to be a “forever family”. That one stung - especially since the dissolution of that dream was not my choice. But...what can I say? He has a right to his feelings and they are valid. I let XH know what had transpired and he was quick to reply that the school thing will change and “aw...poor little guy” about the rest of it. I would hope that he would make a point of talking with our children and taking some responsibility for the pain he has put them through but I think that is probably a bit too much to hope for. Responsibility-taking and honesty have never been his forte. So I just have to keep picking up the pieces and giving them as much love as I can. On the plus side, XH and I continue to co-parent pretty well. I took my daughter over to his place the other night to pick something up and we even managed to have a casual face-to-face conversation that was reasonably pleasant. He still seems really anxious whenever he has to talk to me directly though. Who knows why. I don’t feel anxious at all...but then again, I didn’t live a double life for years and it could be that he is reminded of that whenever he sees me and it isn’t a comfortable feeling. Just a guess. At the end of the day, doesn’t really matter.

Haven’t been talking to TDH as much lately. I had a brief conversation with him Monday night and I made the mistake of opening the door to a political discussion that lasted about two minutes before I became frustrated and told him I was hanging up. He agreed and then texted “weirdo” about two hours later. I didn’t reply. Sigh...we are so similar in a lot of ways but this is one area that we just don’t agree on... at all. He has a fundamental distrust of government and I am a government worker and have been for over 20 years. He thinks all politicians are corrupt and one is no different from the other. I strongly disagree, Last time this happened, I just resolved to not talk about these things with him and that has worked well for the last several months. But then this came up and I find myself once again wondering if this is going to keep coming up and if it is ultimately going to drive a wedge between us....at least on my end. He doesn’t seem to care that I don’t share his views. If he was just a casual friend, it wouldn’t bother me but he isn’t. I could potentially be living with him one day. So this is weighing heavily on me and I don’t know what to do about it.

Anyway...life continues on. Really looking forward to the day that we can all take our masks off and be in each other’s company again. I am going to have a big party....lol. (((HUGS))) to all!!

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