[Steve_]

I also plan to admit to the doctor that I am severely depressed, I have lost 46 pounds. I don't eat well, I don't sleep well, I put up a front all day at work and around her so she doesn't feel guilty. I do my best to do so for the kids. I haven't had a lot of time to myself to sort of just let this wash over me and accept it. its been crammed down my throat for the past 35 days at rapid speed and I just sat there spinning out of control trying to figure it out. I am a total mess. I am keeping up appearances to others but inside its pretty bad. Lots of anger, resentment, hopelessness, jealousy, all of that. The worst part is that it will be that way for a long time. If I don't really start to find a good way to drop this rope and be okay with myself its gonna take me down with it. That is what my therapist buddy told me. He is right. Today begins the day I stop trying to save my marriage and just try to save myself. Whatever happens to the M isn't on me anymore. Ill repost next week and let you guys know how the first week goes. I keep dragging myself here to barf everthing out and that may actually be not helping.

[Thornton]

My best advice is to start working out in tandem with IC. It will help with your depression and anxiety. You can also use your anger to fuel your workouts.

[Mumin]

Steve are you writing down these horrendous interactions with kids?
You w deserves to have her kids taken away from her. For ever!
Again, read Joseph’s thread.

[Steve_]

Talked on the phone to WW yesterday for awhile regarding the children. I told her once they find out OM is more than a friend it will hurt them and change thier relationship with her forever and we need to prepare for that. Especially with my son. She continues to deny it will be a problem and says he and OM get along fine. Sure, until he realizes that’s who replaced daddy. But I guess that’s her problem.

She asked me why I don’t call when I need things, why I don’t talk to her or get on face time. I lied about it hurting me and just told her “you have a boyfriend, I know he gets upset when we talk, I’m not trying to cause you problems” she said “I don’t care what he thinks” “call me anytime” yeah I’m not gonna do that. But that shows a real small amount of respect for him already. What a mess.

I told her that if she is ready I have a family therapist willing to help us with the kids because they keep being confused by the situation and don’t know we are getting a divorce. They want all of us to live together. I told her at some point they need to know that mom and dad are not gonna be together anymore and they are going to live this way from now on. She said she isn’t ready to make that decision yet. She hasn’t made a final choice yet.

I was just like wow in my own mind. She isn’t gonna leave the OM not anytime soon, not until something bad happens. She is just trying to avoid reality and pain at all cost. She didn’t even want to go to thanksgiving but her family made her and it was really weird. She said she has made this mistake before and rushed into it.

I just said hey it’s fine, I’m good where I’m at I’m not in a rush to break it to the kids, start seeing other people I’m good working on myself.

She asked how work was I just said “actually I gotta go”

That was yesterday. Haven’t said a word since. Don’t plan on it. I’ll call at 7 but only put the kids on as I been doing. Not being in her life is the best thing I can do for both of us. I know everything she says is crap. She isn’t going to leave OM any time soon. This is my life now it’s time to accept that. She doesn’t care about anything but herself. She didn’t even put a sweater on our kids to drop them off and it’s mfreezing. Her sister went off on her for that. I’m just going to keep up with neccesary only contact and do the best I can for my kids. It’s eating me alive but I know that won’t last forever. Even if it seems like it right now. I get a lot of moments of sadness with the kids and the holidays that our family is broken. That my life went from well off to making it by. Being alone is tough. But I know it’s what is necessary to heal. Looking forward to my IC appt tomorrow.

[LH19]

Steve,

I’m not gonna comment on your DBing because I realize you’re not even trying. I just want to say good luck with your therapy tomorrow.

[SteveLW]

Steve, I'm not sure why you're here. You aren't doing anything advocated in the book or on this forum. If you're using your thread as a journal, then ok. Or maybe you're just putting us on. I'm completely confused at this point. Good luck. I sincerely hope that you move forward healthy and happy.

[Steve_]

I couldn’t avoid that conversation, she was wanting to medicate my son and continued to ask why he is being so bad there. I just repeated what my therapist friend said regarding the sudden family split and replacement family and how it will lost likely impact him.

I didn’t tell her why I don’t call with some sad story.

I didn’t go on about my day or my life.

It was about the kids and that was it. I don’t know where I went terrible wrong here. Maybe I just don’t get it. It was a conversation I couldn’t avoid. I haven’t said a word since. I really hope the IC helps me with a better plan tomorrow. This isn’t working and you guys are just getting irritated.

[LH19]

Steve,

I’m not sure why I’m going to try to explain this but you both manipulate one another. Your W recognizes that your not good for another and keeps on trying to get away. The problem is she is so messed up she keeps attracting messed up guys and the cycle continues. Until you both seek professional help this will most likely ever end.

[Steve_]

Damn, that hit hard.

I think your right. I have in the past used any and every method I could to make her stay when she tried to run the last 3 times. I called her whole family, begged, pleased, faked divorce even threatened suicide. I don’t know why I am being so honest here but I think it’s because I want to be better. I can’t accept her being with someone else. I think I need to let her go to be happy. I do love her and I don’t want her to stay with me anymore unless she wants to. That’s why this time I didn’t beg or plead, I don’t call her and tell her my pain or tell everyone what’s she is doing. I just sort of sat back and took it, tried to be nice this time. The last 3 times I got her back I used manipulation tactics and I didn’t want to do that. This probably will be the time she doesn’t come back because I don’t guilt her Into it. I’m starting to realize that my W and I used to be great for each other. Years ago when she had a 1 night stand then got pregnant aborted it and told me it was a miscarriage it broke my trust and made me resent her but I didn’t want to give up since we were married. I stopped putting my best foot forward a long time ago. I wasn’t a bad husband I was kind and good to her, i have to admit I felt like a good person just for staying and that never lasted long, she needed more than that. I think I need to no I know I need to let her go to make this choice on her own. Another day for me of NC. She hasn’t contacted me either. I’m just going to continue with NC and let the cards fall where fate puts them. Hard as it may be I do love her and because of that I have to let her go.

Thanks LH. Probably the first time I’ve been honest with myself this entire sitch. That was not easy to write or to share, more even to admit. I’m not going to try to make anything happen here. Just gonna do the old saying let her go and if she comes back ... but work on myself in the meantime.

[LH19]

Steve,

You’re welcome.

The number one problem that gets people here stuck is they want their spouse to be something that they are not. You want your W to be a loving faithful person. She is the exact opposite which is is unfaithful manipulative person. That’s why you are in so much pain and suffer. I always use the quote “you can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality”. If you can really understand that quote you will understand why you are suffering so much.

I’m not going to lie Steve you are a very broken person who who has been through some troubling times. If you want to ever get better you have to stop the cycle and do the hard work to get better. If you can’t do it for you then you need to do it for your children. Good luck today with your therapist.