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A Message from Michele
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Best Friend for 27 years in MLC #2909429
11/28/20 03:32 PM
11/28/20 03:32 PM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 149
Fl
N
NickWing Offline OP
Member
NickWing  Offline OP
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 149
Fl
Bomb dropped in June, I itially I thought WAW. Beg, plead, apologize. Soon find DBDR, start in earnest. Seem to have some progress, then progress stops. Get some DB Coaching, maybe MLC, maybe depression. Maybe affair? Me-Impossible!

W goes to nyc to see family and get space, however spends most time in friends vacant Manhattan apartment.

Comes back, now in separate br, and donít come into bathroom when Iím in it, makes her uncomfortable. I agree no pressure space.

Well 2 days later comes home from work at about 8 pm, needs bubble bath to de stress. Oh, and H, can you fix tub hot water not working. Goes in bath, candles wine, soft music. Well guess what, Iím in the room next door and she has om on speakerphone!! 90 minutes!!

Comes out I say I know whatís going on. Her answer, What did you hear? Oh, thatís nothing, thatís my confidant. What! You have a confidant I donít know about for 27 years?

Get DB coaching, give her the I know youíre having an affair, your a big girl, etc. speech only thing that seems to penetrate fog is telling her sheís going to lose daughterís respect. Gaslight, Iím crazy, only daughter would think sheís have affair is if I (H) planted it.

Kids are clueless, they donít see mom ghosting out all dressed up tons of perfume. Smells and looks good.

Wife ghost 6 to 8 hours four days in a row. Kids car breaks down, so one car for 3 people cuz mommy is nowhere to be found. Wife comes in about 1030 pm, tells d21 oh i can drive you! Really, youíre Mia but now you can help! I was drinking watching football, I tell W we donít need you, bad argument, D21 crying cuz Iím attacking mommy. (If she only knew) D21 leaves sobbing, Me and wife still going at it.

I tell her youíre having MLC, you need help, You have a boyfriend and Iím not telling, Iím the only one looking out for you. She denies affair, a blantant easily disproven lie straight to my face ( I thinks this hurts me the worst)

Still ďsneaking ď around, erases trip odometer, locks br door to text, DB coach says sheís like a teenager.

Iíve told her Iím not moving out, she has plenty of money to move. My plan at this get D17 into college summer 2021 then who knows?

Oh, and donít bother posting the links, Iíve read them already. Thx for listening.


Me 57/W 53, M 23, T 27

D21/D17

BDay 6/29/20, ILYBINILWY

IHS 10/5/2020
Re: Best Friend for 27 years in MLC [Re: NickWing] #2909430
11/28/20 03:44 PM
11/28/20 03:44 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,890
Southern Maryland
job Offline

Member
job  Offline

Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,890
Southern Maryland
Welcome!

If your wife is having an MLC, she doesn't want to hear it. In her mind, she thinks she's okay and that you and the marriage are the problems and that is why she's unhappy. BTW, they do not like for us to diagnosis their problems. In fact, the best thing to do is...not discuss this type of stuff w/her. Of course, she's going to deny having a boyfriend. If it's MLC, she's going to become a very good liar, spend lots of money and will begin acting out like a star struck teenager. You are going to see lots of odd behavior and she will become the mirror image of her old self, i.e., she will become the exact opposite of who she once was. She's going to do whatever it takes to make her feel happy and alive once again. This behavior may continue for quite a while. What can you do about it? Treat her like a roommate...but I would suggest you set up separate bank accounts asap. Keep an eye your finances, especially joint credit cards.

I wouldn't have any more relationship talks with her, but she's not going to listen and the more you push, the harder she is going to pull away and run right into the arms of that other man. Right now, she looks to you to be an authority figure, i.e., like her father because of the questions, etc. that you have put to her. The best thing to do is focus on you and what you can do to help you and your D17 get through the holidays. Keep that focus on your D17 because she's going to need her dad during all of this.

Bottom line, you didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. You can't control her and that means the only person that you can control is yourself. I'm glad to see that you've set your mind to not moving out.

Now, I'm going to ask you this...have you visited the MLC Forum and read the links there? If not, you should. The threads and postings over there may help you get a better handle on MLC...but you can post anywhere you wish...it is up to you.

Please try to remember that this is a marathon and not a sprint. Dig deeper for patience as it's a long road w/lost of twists and turns along the way.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Best Friend for 27 years in MLC [Re: NickWing] #2909438
11/28/20 05:23 PM
11/28/20 05:23 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,568
S
SteveLW Offline
Member
SteveLW  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,568
Originally Posted by NickWing
Bomb dropped in June, I itially I thought WAW. Beg, plead, apologize. Soon find DBDR, start in earnest. Seem to have some progress, then progress stops. Get some DB Coaching, maybe MLC, maybe depression. Maybe affair? Me-Impossible!

W goes to nyc to see family and get space, however spends most time in friends vacant Manhattan apartment.

Comes back, now in separate br, and donít come into bathroom when Iím in it, makes her uncomfortable. I agree no pressure space.

Well 2 days later comes home from work at about 8 pm, needs bubble bath to de stress. Oh, and H, can you fix tub hot water not working. Goes in bath, candles wine, soft music. Well guess what, Iím in the room next door and she has om on speakerphone!! 90 minutes!!

Comes out I say I know whatís going on. Her answer, What did you hear? Oh, thatís nothing, thatís my confidant. What! You have a confidant I donít know about for 27 years?

Get DB coaching, give her the I know youíre having an affair, your a big girl, etc. speech only thing that seems to penetrate fog is telling her sheís going to lose daughterís respect. Gaslight, Iím crazy, only daughter would think sheís have affair is if I (H) planted it.

Kids are clueless, they donít see mom ghosting out all dressed up tons of perfume. Smells and looks good.

Wife ghost 6 to 8 hours four days in a row. Kids car breaks down, so one car for 3 people cuz mommy is nowhere to be found. Wife comes in about 1030 pm, tells d21 oh i can drive you! Really, youíre Mia but now you can help! I was drinking watching football, I tell W we donít need you, bad argument, D21 crying cuz Iím attacking mommy. (If she only knew) D21 leaves sobbing, Me and wife still going at it.

I tell her youíre having MLC, you need help, You have a boyfriend and Iím not telling, Iím the only one looking out for you. She denies affair, a blantant easily disproven lie straight to my face ( I thinks this hurts me the worst)

Still ďsneaking ď around, erases trip odometer, locks br door to text, DB coach says sheís like a teenager.

Iíve told her Iím not moving out, she has plenty of money to move. My plan at this get D17 into college summer 2021 then who knows?

Oh, and donít bother posting the links, Iíve read them already. Thx for listening.



Nick, sorry man. I know this stinks. Here is the thing. Doesn't matter if it's a MLC. Or not. You can't fix it. All you can do is DB, move on, stop fighting against her crazy. I like telling her she can move out. I don't like using the kids against her or telling her she's having a MLC and to get help. That is not DBing, that's pressure and pursuit.

Focus off of her, onto you. Gal. 180s. Detachment. Those are your focus.


M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Best Friend for 27 years in MLC [Re: SteveLW] #2909444
11/28/20 06:17 PM
11/28/20 06:17 PM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 149
Fl
N
NickWing Offline OP
Member
NickWing  Offline OP
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 149
Fl
Yeah, that argument was my backslip. I came out looking like a rage monster. D.oh. Wasnít trying to use kids against her . I have studiously avoided any R talks and should have walked away.

Household finances are in my control. She always had separate bank account which snooping revealed had over 50k in it, so I know sheís good for money. She can move out anytime she wants. She has her own credit card which I signed her up for for the points but I donít have access to. Spending does not seem to be an issue, but Iíll keep an eye out for.

I know I canít fix it. I was determined to be a stander, but donít if I can wait due to the years long timeline. I think sheís in replay.

I just retired in January and my plan was to travel with her so all plans are out the window.


Me 57/W 53, M 23, T 27

D21/D17

BDay 6/29/20, ILYBINILWY

IHS 10/5/2020
Re: Best Friend for 27 years in MLC [Re: job] #2909446
11/28/20 06:35 PM
11/28/20 06:35 PM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 149
Fl
N
NickWing Offline OP
Member
NickWing  Offline OP
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 149
Fl
Yeah, Job, I read all the links. Iíve been a lurker since July.

Not that it makes any difference, but I say MLC because I can in retrospect see the anger stage and now replay because she is reverting to very unladylike behavior she had in college. Now this was before we met, so I donít hold it against her. It broke my heart because she was a wonderful partner (Who I know I wonít be seeing again) and it upped the empathy quotient.

So what am I seeing?
Excessive working out
Change in diet less carbs more protein and veggies
Buys and wears much more makeup
Spends way more time getting ready to go out...to grocery store!
Stopped wearing rings except for work
More form fitting clothes, but tasteful
Detachment from kids


Me 57/W 53, M 23, T 27

D21/D17

BDay 6/29/20, ILYBINILWY

IHS 10/5/2020
Re: Best Friend for 27 years in MLC [Re: job] #2909451
11/28/20 07:32 PM
11/28/20 07:32 PM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 149
Fl
N
NickWing Offline OP
Member
NickWing  Offline OP
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 149
Fl
Treating like a room mate is a tough one. I get the old her about 10% of the time, indifferent 80% and Shark Eyes 10%. Itís better when anybody else is around, then she is normal. Problem is kids are out of the house all the time, so it is usually her and me. And she just changed her schedule to work at home 2 days a week. I try to avoid whenever possible. Also when she is going to or coming home from OM she acts so guilty, canít even look any in the eye, itís really sad.

I get up earlier (because I canít sleep) So I make coffee. When she comes out I tell her there is coffee. She then asks, everyday, is it extra coffee?

Shark eyes, wow, the first time I got it, I had already started DB, we were painting a cabinet, I made a joke about body painting, voom, instant hate mask and shark eyes. It actually was a little scary.


Me 57/W 53, M 23, T 27

D21/D17

BDay 6/29/20, ILYBINILWY

IHS 10/5/2020
Re: Best Friend for 27 years in MLC [Re: job] #2909453
11/28/20 07:50 PM
11/28/20 07:50 PM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 149
Fl
N
NickWing Offline OP
Member
NickWing  Offline OP
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 149
Fl
Yeah, that not moving out. I made more than my share of mistakes, but somehow I said ďIím not movingĒ She actually said I should go to a hotel or a friends for a couple nights, Iím like No. Even though I have many free nights at. nearby Marriott.

My point is I did nothing wrong, why should I go to a hotel? If I cramp your style, you go. You have money, points free nights.

I have no idea who OM is, or if there is more than one. Letís just say she previously had over lapping relationships. Cuz guess what, canít do anything about it. Only protect my kids from learning what she is doing. And man thatís why I feel this is a mental illness. I am pretzeling myself to keep my kids from knowing, and itís so obvious she is going to be exposed if she keeps this up.


Me 57/W 53, M 23, T 27

D21/D17

BDay 6/29/20, ILYBINILWY

IHS 10/5/2020
Re: Best Friend for 27 years in MLC [Re: NickWing] #2909457
11/28/20 08:36 PM
11/28/20 08:36 PM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 149
Fl
N
NickWing Offline OP
Member
NickWing  Offline OP
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 149
Fl
So when I gave the DB coach approved ďI know you are having an affair speechĒ it caught her by surprise. She had the goofiest expression, like Mr Magoo with the worst migraine. It actually made my head hurt. So W storms out goes to beach. Texts D21 to go with here who says no, Iím going back home to eat tuna casserole that I asked Daddy to make. Wife then comes home and eats dinner with us. Now Iím totally confused because we are in the same room where I called you a (bad word) acouple hours ago.

I look over at her, and she had dull (not shark) eyes staring at her plate and it looked like her head was going to explode.

And I felt sorry for her.

She has plan A (OM) plan b me a great career thatís taking off great kids, and I feel sorry for her.

So who is mentally ill?


Me 57/W 53, M 23, T 27

D21/D17

BDay 6/29/20, ILYBINILWY

IHS 10/5/2020
Re: Best Friend for 27 years in MLC [Re: NickWing] #2909464
11/28/20 09:28 PM
11/28/20 09:28 PM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 149
Fl
N
NickWing Offline OP
Member
NickWing  Offline OP
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 149
Fl
Requesting multiple nail embedded 2x4s.


Me 57/W 53, M 23, T 27

D21/D17

BDay 6/29/20, ILYBINILWY

IHS 10/5/2020
Re: Best Friend for 27 years in MLC [Re: NickWing] #2909466
11/28/20 09:52 PM
11/28/20 09:52 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,323
L
LH19 Offline
Member
LH19  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,323
What are you confused about?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
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