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Taz #2907935 11/08/20 06:59 PM
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If S19 is staying with you I hope you are quarantining him from yourself. He can be contagious even without symptoms. I know every living situation is different but an ideal setup would be separate bedroom, separate bathroom, masks and more than 6 feet separation within the house for both of you. This virus is no joke - don’t mess around.

If he asked you not to tell W, don’t tell her. If he was ill that would be one thing, but he might not even catch it, in which case I would respect his wishes.

kml #2908385 11/13/20 02:36 AM
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kml,

I have quarantined from S19 and he has had negative test results and no symptoms so looks like we are good. He was ok with his mom knowing the situation but he did not want to converse with her.

He was close with his mom and has not reached a point where he wants to talk to her and asked me to let her know. So I did text her to let her know what was going on. She was thankful for the information but has not inquired about him since the text.

This is something I struggle with. W used to know everything that was going on in his life. Now she just seems to accept that their relationship is dead (or just on hold hopefully).

It’s now up to me to be a dadX2. I am glad to do it but hope that I am enough for now. I use DnJ as a role model.

Taz


M57 (53@BD)
XW55 (50@BD)
S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD)
Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
D final 11/10/22
Taz #2908527 11/15/20 04:47 AM
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Hello Taz

Originally Posted by Taz
It’s now up to me to be a dadX2. I am glad to do it but hope that I am enough for now. I use DnJ as a role model.

Gosh, thank you.

You are doing great Taz. Yep, Dadx2. You got this! I’ve got faith in you.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Taz #2909395 11/27/20 08:46 PM
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S19 and S21 are both home from college and won’t be headed back until mid January. We had to celebrate Thanksgiving here as my mom cancelled due to the up tick in Covid cases in our state. S21 thought it would be nice to invite W over and I agreed. He reached out to her and she accepted. I did the cooking (Turkey, stuffing, noodles etc.) and she brought a dish of sweet potatoes.

So she joined us for a late afternoon dinner. She stayed for over two hours and we all had some nice discussions about everything except our family situation.

The boys do not know that she filed and I will hold off telling them until I feel it is necessary. I at least want to wait until they complete the semester final exams in a few weeks.

She filed 6 weeks ago and I have not heard from her lawyer in four weeks. I have my financial paperwork filled out but will not forward until it is requested. Not sure if she submitted hers yet.

It was a good day. Nice not having to spend 5 hours driving but did miss some of moms cooking.

Taz


M57 (53@BD)
XW55 (50@BD)
S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD)
Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
D final 11/10/22
Taz #2909414 11/28/20 05:32 AM
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You are very courageous, Taz!!! Such strength to have her come to Tgiving and to keep that secret.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Taz #2909423 11/28/20 01:31 PM
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Garda,

I am trying to practice the example of compassion that DnJ shows. It’s easy In my situation with a low energy vanisher who has never monstered and doesn’t have an AP.

S21 and I just feel sorry for her. She still has not said or written the D word. Just a short text stating that she filed. Part of me wonders if she just did it to get a reaction out of me. If so that did not work as I still treat her the same.

Not sure how S19 feels about his mom as he is guarded with his feelings just like his mom. I just try to show him I’m here for him when he is ready to open up.

Taz

Last edited by Taz; 11/28/20 01:32 PM.

M57 (53@BD)
XW55 (50@BD)
S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD)
Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
D final 11/10/22
Taz #2909428 11/28/20 03:18 PM
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Good Morning Taz

I’m glad you had a good Thanksgiving Day. And I agree, Mom’s cooking would have been nice and was missed.

Good for you having W over. You are walking a fine path my friend.

No one’s situation starts out easy. A low energy vanisher without a suspected AP is still difficult. It is us that turns it into something easier. It is our outlook, choices, compassion, empathy, and beliefs, that turn our individual situations for the better. It is excellent you now see your situation as easy.

Imagine, if everyone had to dump their problems, stresses, concerns, and so on, into a big pile where everyone could see everyone else’s. Then we had to choose “our” problems. We all would rush to grab our own problems back.

It’s the 83 problems we all carry. The 84th one - thinking we shouldn’t have any problems - when one sees the truth in that 84th problem, accepts it, and solves it, things become easier. We all have 83 problems. Always. And we get to choose which ones we carry around.

Originally Posted by Taz
The boys do not know that she filed and I will hold off telling them until I feel it is necessary. I at least want to wait until they complete the semester final exams in a few weeks.

Originally Posted by Taz
Not sure how S19 feels about his mom as he is guarded with his feelings just like his mom. I just try to show him I’m here for him when he is ready to open up.

You suspect the boys do not know she filed - you don’t know. Unless you asked “Did you know that Mom filed for divorce?”. Of course then they would know. So until then, you can at best suspect they are in the dark about this. They may be choosing not to open up.

S21 seems rather open. He did suggest inviting W/Mom over for dinner. S19 is guarding his feelings more than S21. You are leading their way, be their beacon.

Did S19 interact with Mom when she was over? Did S21?

You could break the ice for S19 with small queries or observations of their interactions. Or the events of the day. It may start him talking, or not.

From my experiences, my kids had some mixed up feelings. We did talk. And I shared my feelings probably more than they shared their’s at first. Once they see Dad being ok with being sad, sorry for Mom, compassionate, and forgiving; it is ok for them to be as well. They are looking for guidance. And that is not solving their feelings or problems. It is leading by example. Putting aside your fears and doubts and sharing, empathizing, and demonstrating how to walk in the light. How to forgive.

As I said, you are walking a very fine path Taz. I believe that having the three of you under one roof until mid-January could be a very good thing.

You have six weeks. What do you want to accomplish the that time? What do you want to demonstrate to your boys?

Compassion? Understanding? Forgiveness? Hope?

What good times do you want to have? What memories do you hope they will gain?

Now, don’t go changing gears. Be yourself. With a bit of a vision in mind is all.

This at first so horrible path of the LBS is actually quite an incredible opportunity. I believe you realize that.

It’s also quite horrible for the kids. Do you think they yet see, experienced, or believe in their own incredible opportunity?

That, is the beacon for a parent to become.

We show them by living it.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Taz #2911438 12/28/20 01:55 PM
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Update,

W had a birthday on the 16th, S19 and S21 got her a card and a small gift. They sent her a text but she did not reply so S21 eventually dropped the gift off at her door a few days later. She did eventually reply "thanks, you should of knocked and came in to visit" He just replied that it was late and he didn't want to wake her. Actually he told me just doesn't want to go in her apartment.

She texted me a few days before Christmas asking if we wanted to sit with her at church for Christmas mass. I checked with S19 and he was up for it so I replied back that we would join her. S21 was out of town and couldn't attend with us. After mass she gave S19 small gift bags for him and his brother and S19 gave one to her from them in the parking lot.

She still hasn't told the boys she filed for D. I guess she's leaving that to me. Should I tell them? Or wait for her to garner the courage to do it?

I am keeping busy with GAL and had a nice Christmas visiting my family with S19.

Still standing,

Taz

Last edited by Taz; 12/28/20 01:56 PM. Reason: spelling

M57 (53@BD)
XW55 (50@BD)
S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD)
Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
D final 11/10/22
Taz #2911444 12/28/20 03:32 PM
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Good Morning Taz

I’m glad to hear your Christmas was good. Nice to see S19 joined you visiting your family.

It’s unfortunate W didn’t/wouldn’t respond timely to the text from the boys about their Birthday gifts for her. Just dropping it off at the door was most likely not what they wanted to do. The exchange of Christmas gifts sounds like it went better and more like they would have wanted it.

S21 not wanting to go inside her apartment is pretty normal. The MLCer’s level of strangeness and confusion is usually shown in their living surrounds; difficult thing for a son (or daughter) to see.

Originally Posted by Taz
She still hasn't told the boys she filed for D. I guess she's leaving that to me. Should I tell them? Or wait for her to garner the courage to do it?

Yes, tell them. They are old enough to know and deserve to know.

You wanted them to know, after this semester’s exams. I’d tell them soon, like today, so they can have some time to adjust, question, and start the acceptance process before the start of the next semester.

Consider it this way. Do you want them to know? Pretty sure, that’s an “of course I want them to know”.

Would you rather W (STBXW ?) tells them? Probably yes. So why? Maybe something regarding having W take ownership or admittance of what she’s done. You can’t control that, you can’t force that, and you end up waiting around.

You control you. You respect your boys, and they deserve to know the truth. Yes, it would be nice (maybe) if W could/would own up; of course, if she could she wouldn’t be in a crisis doing what she’s doing.

You left the heavy lifting of filing to W. The letting the boys know the necessary facts is falling to you it seems. Rather standard in my opinion, as MLCer’s become pretty secretive about the important stuff.

You are standing and moving forward.

Please let me know how the conversation with the boys goes.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Taz #2911808 01/04/21 06:24 PM
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Hi Taz.

Hope your holidays went well. Was wondering if the conversation of divorce came up with your boys? 19 & 21 right?

Just recently I had the divorce talk with my D4. That went over well. (pop over to my posts for details). My D was final just before Halloween. And I've been asking XH repeatedly for his input on what to say to D4. He's never given me any assistance there, just an "I don't know". I felt like, he was the one who left, so he should say something or at the very least, give me something to work with. But in the end, it was me that told her, and that's okay. Don't wait if it's weighing on you.

Your S19 & S21 are use to their parents living apart, yes? These young men probably have the notion that divorce may be in the works. Maybe they don't want to bring it up with you because they aren't sure if they should. I started the conversation off with my D4 by talking about my wedding ring, that I wasn't wearing it anymore because we were no longer married.

Once the conversation starts, things get easier.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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