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LH19 #2909189 11/23/20 08:41 PM
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by AndrewP
And also my own knowledge of how the universe works. If you have to force it, you're not doing it right.

Sooooooo would that include proposing to a married woman and moving her and her brood in after 6 months of dating?

The universe can be cruel for sure.
So can people who keep harping on the same thing over and over crazy


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I'm sorry Andy P but you have to stop lobbing me softballs.

LH19 #2909211 11/24/20 12:05 AM
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Originally Posted by AndrewP
I could be a jerk and just start ferrying things out to the front lawn but I want to be "fair" and decent about this.

Thankfully, those are not your only 2 options. Yet you throw up an option that clearly is way out of bounds in an effort to make it look like the other option is the only one left. Is that called a straw man position or is it a paper tiger - something set up with the only purpose of then tearing it down? Anything short of giving S 6 months is not being a jerk Andrew.

Originally Posted by LH19
I'm sorry Andy P but you have to stop lobbing me softballs.

Or perhaps stop trying to explain or defend the indefensible. Like oh I don’t know, claiming S has a large amount of pride in never having taken advantage of other men.


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Well - it's Wednesday.

S showed up yesterday afternoon with S13 but no dog. She doesn't look good - certainly tired and has apparently lost quite a bit of weight lately. Her cheeks look hollow.

No excitement to see me, feigned or real. No hugs, no smooches certainly and no appearance of anger. I didn't offer any sort of physical closeness either.

I expect the dog was left at her Dad's house where it appears that D19 and BF are now living at least most of the time - no surprise there. S knows that even though I like the dog that it's one of the "problems" which I think was confirmed in her mind when she got into the house and could still smell the enzymes I have been using in the living room to try to get the urine smell out of the carpet.

One of the reasons that S didn't come up on Monday was that she was trying to sort out the internet service for the house - an indication to me that she's now planning on living there for the near future. Superficially it makes a huge amount of sense. She has access to her Dad's banking to pay the bills so can save money, she and her kids are familiar with the place and the neighbourhood.

S13 was taken to his Dad's house with his hamster. It's about an hour away and S was gone for about 4 hours on that errand. She came in to the MBR and got her pillows and a few other things and moved into S13's room which actually has her old bed in it which she really likes. I didn't invite her to stay with me and she didn't offer. Contrawise, she actually commented on how much better I would undoubtedly sleep without a red-head wandering through at 2:00 am. I didn't dispute it.

As far as the missing time goes, she could have circled around to see her D26 who recently had a mis-carriage. Don't know - none of my business.

I don't expect her to stay here more than a day or so - a pattern that will probably repeat for the next number of weeks as she loads stuff up.

I would think she told S18 yesterday that we're splitting and that he'll need to move. They had s'mores in the toaster oven later I think.

I feel sad for her, but not sorry for her if that makes sense.

I have no urge to try to "help" or manage her future choices. I'm considering reaching out to her D26 for us to jointly plan on how to get everything out of the house in a reasonably orderly fashion though. Certainly not a good idea at present but if it looks in the New Year like S isn't doing anything then I'll nudge things along.

My stress level which was waaaayyy through the roof is now down even if still there. In-house separation as we all know is very very tough and I was dreading seeing her again and the "whole everything" thing. It appears that everything will move along in due course without drama - which I have difficulty dealing with.

-----

In other news, her one cat is constipated and has been for the last few days. This is the one of the two that I like the least that used to fight with "my girls". I picked him up and palpitated his abdomen and didn't feel any sort of blockage and he seemed pretty happy for the attention. He's eating well but what comes out the other end is small and has a little bit of blood in it. He struggles a lot too. This is a contrast to him usually dropping huge uncovered steamers twice a day that stink up the place. He's a big cat and was hugely obese before we put him and the other cat on limited feedings albeit of the same diet food they were eating.

I let S18 know a day or so ago and he didn't seem too concerned. I left S a note describing symptoms before I went to bed and talked to her about it when I saw her. The food hasn't been changed from what he's been eating for the last few months. He's been spending a lot of time going in and out of the litter-box and has made a huge mess in the downstairs bathroom playing in the toilet and also digging and making a mess in the bathtub. I've closed the lid on the toilet (my normal preference) and asked S and S18 to keep it closed.

Neither S18 nor S seem all that concerned - which to me is odd. But then again perhaps not odd. They seem to have cycled through quite a few pets over the years.

S13 noticed when he was briefly here that the cat has litter on his paws. I didn't pay much attention to that but checked more closely this morning and his front paws are caked with litter - probably a side-effect of his digging in the toilet. He's always had access to the toilet - a practice I feel is very gross. I tried to clean them off a bit with poor results and will suggest to S when she eventually gets up that she and S18 try to get them cleaned. I think that will make him a lot happier. I can't help but wonder if his clogged paws are causing him to try to use the litter-box where he can only deposit what he's got on board as it were.

Even though I don't like the cat, I mean him no harm. He seems to be in reasonably good spirits. Good appetite, as active as he ever is so we can assume that this will - ahem - pass. If he starts showing some signs of distress I'll take him in to the vet.

-----

Moving things along here. I moved a bunch of the books I used to have in the master bath back into there. Some old home repair books that are nice to browse around through and are "heirlooms" I got from my parents that are well over 50 years old. S had demanded that all books be removed from the bathroom when she moved in - something I failed to understand but complied with. In talking to her son-in-law, her daughter has the same demands. What are you supposed to do - stare at the walls? I also would have knot-making books and pieces of rope to play with. My ex-wife used to joke about my "knotty books" in the bathroom wink

Once I have a clearer understanding of S's intentions then I'll start shifting more things around. I don't want to interfere with her ability to find things and organize her move. I do know that there will undoubtedly be quite a bit of vagueness about her plans but the process of turning this back into "my" home from "our" home should be able to begin in earnest this week. Even if S18 stays until the New Year (sort of expected) and S is in and out there is no reason why I can't go through the kitchen, MBR, living room etc sorting and separating.

My new bank account was set up yesterday and if it's all good then I'll shift over savings and have my pay start getting deposited there as of next pay cycle which is around when I'll be shutting down the old accounts anyway.

My SIL2 who runs wellness retreats etc is going to help purify the house. We may do something after S18 and the critters move out and then a more thorough cleansing in the spring.

So - feeling not too bad. As far as breakups go - this could have been a "lot" worse. Not to of course minimize the real hurt that has been done and that there will need to be healing from - on both sides.


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S finally got out of bed around 1:30pm.

She's told S18 who she describes as "disappointed". I doubt he was surprised. Fortunately he has online therapy with his IC on Wednesday mornings and so that hopefully helped. He'll have a long road to go I'm sure.

S has no specific plans on where she's going to be moving to still but is currently downstairs with a large number of empty boxes and a tape gun - so the packing is underway. I "helpfully" pointed out that there extra boxes in the front porch too. She actually perhaps has almost enough to replace the boxes she unpacked - so much stuff still in boxes and plastic bins everywhere.

Disappointingly she doesn't seem too concerned about her cat. In hind-sight that shouldn't be too much of a surprise. She mentioned that S18 had worked on his paws for a bit with little result. I'll see what I can do on my own.

She said that she may be going up for a couple of days to help her D26 who just had a miscarriage a bit over a week ago - something she said she was doing last week.

So - it looks like a variation of in-house separation for the next number of weeks - wheeee!


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Things are moving along.

I was walking my elderly next door neighbour across the street after picking up my mail and she mentioned that she's booting out her tenant from the other side of her duplex. "Nothing but trouble". I don't think I'll mention that to S although I did mention to my neighbour that S and her boys will be moving out. I'll need to mention that to my other neighbours so that suspicious people carrying furniture out of the house aren't suspicious.

The cat is currently gorging himself on water with a bit of tuna water in it. Hopefully that will help clear up whatever is blocked up. I do know from the litter box that liquids come out ok. I'm still disturbed by S's disregard for the cat's issues. My original thought and concern was that when I told her initially that the cat appeared to be constipated that we'd be rushing to the vet and get huge bills - which I felt guilty about setting as a concern. But no - she didn't care. The second issue of him having his paws clogged with caked on litter - well that was for S18 to deal with. Grrrrrr.

I spent some time yesterday dipping the cat's paws in the laundry tub. He likes playing in the water - they leave the toilet seat up for him to do that - ewwww - and he went along with it somewhat. Got some of the worst clogs out. I only got scratched twice - not enough to have to worry about my leg needing to be chopped off this time I would hope. And yes - I've been asking for the lid to be closed but it is always left up. I even used a post-it note stuck to the lid.

Keep in mind too that this is the really annoying jerk cat that used to fight with "my girls" and is the reason I had to give them up. My application for saint-hood has been filed.

S has done a chunk of packing so far. In hindsight it's not surprising that she's focusing on her craft supplies and a bunch of them appear to have left the building. That rarely get used but she was going to have a separate crafting room and make things to sell yadda yadda yadda. Sorry - I'm getting more cynical by the day. I've not seen what else she may have packed. I've started working on making sure that "my" stuff is separate. The very very few things that are truly important to me like my pie bird are carefully packed away.

As an aside, when she was moving in, the craft supplies were the first thing then too and she would haul them back and forth between here and her apartment.

She has a "large" amount of boxes that have been purchased - undoubtedly with the money she's been holding back. Not that I would have had an issue with her having her own emergency "this might not work out" fund - but the secrecy and lies about that were part of the problem. I'm glad to see the boxes - when she moved in so much of the stuff was tossed into garbage bags that it was quite difficult.

----------

I was down at the plant today and S had said that she was going to spend a couple of days with her daughter. She and S13 came through the house today though I noticed even though it's a bit of a drive. A long list was left for S18 - it appears she's going to push him to apply for a government support program (which I'd suggested quite a while ago to help with the bills here) and live on his own. S13 left some graffiti on a white-board which is how I know he was here. It's a bit surprising because I figured he'd be with his Dad for a while.

To be frank I'm not all that surprised that S18 is being pushed to be independent. S didn't seem to care as long as they were here but she and S18 have a "lot" of issues. It's all part of the package though - he's not my kid even though I like him. I'm willing to be around but he needs to be elsewhere along with his rabbits too. It's possible that his Dad will step up - I don't know and am not intending on sticking my nose into things.

When S left yesterday for her daughter's, she surprised me with a hug. It was awkward. She said "you don't have to if you don't want to". I've now found the words to say "I don't want to get drawn back in - I need to let go". Certainly no real worries about a late night booty call which means I get to have a beer in the evening now since there will absolutely be no smooching. In fact, given her travels and my opinions about her D19, staying a minimum of 6' away is probably a good idea for lots of reasons.

I feel good in many ways (other than for the cat) that things are moving and that I'm having to do little to move them along.

As I was telling a good friend of mine today. The key take-away from this for me is that people got hurt. When my ex-wife left, it was pretty much only me that got hurt. When B left, her grandkids took a hit as did I imagine B herself to a degree but I took much of that hit. This time - the hurt is hitting a lot of souls, most of whom are completely innocent. I'm sure even the hamster is disturbed about being shuffled all over the countryside. To me - that is something that is unacceptable and yes - I know that I'm taking a bunch of the blame on myself here. I can take a hit but because my actions and inaction have caused hurt to innocent others, well - I need to do better in the future.


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The lesson here - for you AND more importantly for S - is don’t involve the kids too soon! Because things just don’t always work out - and kids don’t need to go through their parents’ romantic upheavals. It really takes time to know someone well enough to know if they are a compatible life partner. What people present in the beginning may not always be the whole truth.

That’s sad to hear that she’s abandoning S18 again. Kids are a lot younger today at 18 than we were, and he sounds particularly young. Plus it’s the middle of a pandemic! Hardly a good time for the poor kid to be on his own and find his way in the world.

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Wow. She moved her son in with you, but now she won’t let him come with and he has to figure it out alone while her D19 and her boyfriend get to live with her? How come D19 wasn’t being “pushed to be independent ? “ It’s very very sad the way she treats her kids. I can see why her relationship is not good with her S18. This poor kid was left to fend for himself at 16, now at 18 she kicks him out while the others free load. I’m sure their relationship isn’t good either because he is the one who sees his mom for who she really is. My heart seriously hurts for that kid. I hope he is the one who gets out of the cycle the rest of the family is in.

I still for the life of me can’t figure out the “easy to love” part. I get the hard to live with but not the easy to love. She certainly doesn’t make it easy for her own offspring to love her .

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I still for the life of me can't figure out the "easy to love" part. I get the hard to live with but not the easy to love. She certainly doesn't make it easy for her own offspring to love her .
Oh - she's very charming and passionate. Has a perky and quirky side that can feel a bit extreme at times. Talks a good game about being capable and compassionate. It may be in part her ADD but she has a short attention span on the latter and poor follow-through. But in the moment it all feels very sincere.

Hoping for a nice smooth day today. I'll very likely need to be driving S18 in to work this afternoon so might be able to find out a bit about how he's doing.

Anyone who has known me for more than 45 seconds knows that my favourite author is Terry Pratchett. Someone on social media posted this excerpt this morning. I re-read this book about a month ago and this discourse on sin / virtue is one of my more favourite bits.
Quote
A conversation between Reverend Mightily Oats and Granny Weatherwax on sin, from the novel "Carpe Jugulum" by Terry Pratchett

RMO - "It's not as simple as that. It's not a black and white issue. There are so many shades of gray."

GW - "Nope."

RMO - "Pardon?"

GW - "There's no grays, only white that's got grubby. I'm surprised you don't know that. And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things. Including yourself. That's what sin is.

RMO - "It's a lot more complicated than that . . ."

GW - "No. It ain't. When people say things are a lot more complicated than that, they means they're getting worried that they won't like the truth. People as things, that's where it starts."

RMO - "Oh, I'm sure there are worse crimes . . ."

GW - "But they starts with thinking about people as things . . . "


Certainly something to keep in mind for us all. I tried to find the verse in the Bible that says "We are all God's Creatures" and read some different interpretations on that but despite it being I believe a common phrase, doesn't seem to have an explicit reference.

That one core truth though - people are not things - even those we may have conflict with - is pretty profound. Especially for a Friday.


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Happy Saturday! Nice sunshiny day here at least for now. I'm digesting a mushroom omlette and have a full pot of tea.

I participated in the "work" Zoom happy hour last night for a bit. It was nice to catch up. So many different standards on how companies are dealing with COVID restrictions. It turns out that the owner of my company and the COO are both in the "it's no big deal" camp and insist that all management show up every day to their office on the 13 floor of a downtown office tower. Good thing that I've been exiled out to the boonies where that sort of nonsense doesn't happen.

It's interesting because these are all people I've worked with over the years some of whom are now competitors and customers. Shop talk is fairly open though although I do try to keep anything strategic quiet. One of the people on there talked about a big piece of business that they just landed that will be coming my way which made me cringe. It turns out that shipments in from China which used to undercut us even on bulk commodities have become increasingly unreliable and expensive. Ships are smaller, containers are smaller and high margin goods like PPE are getting priority. Certainly an opportunity for us to pick up some business we lost - if we can get people motivated to actually call on customers.

----

The big orange cat seems to be doing much better. His paws are mostly cleared and the litter box looks more normal. S18 agrees that keeping the toilet lid closed from now on will be important but - sigh - this morning it was right up. I don't think this is a passive aggressive move - it's just what he's always done and I know myself that those sort of habits are hard to change.

I had a chance to talk to him while he was trapped in the car while I was driving him to and from work. S had actually messaged me mid-afternoon asking if I would drive him. I reminded her that for now, all is "normal". I also mentioned that to S18 to reassure him that he can still get back and forth to work, still find food in the pantry etc. He joked that most of the food in the pantry probably came from the old apartment and he was looking for a snack the other day and yep - well expired.

I asked him about the government assistance program his mother had made him the list about. He seems to be looking at this as an opportunity. He has some friends who are already on this same program and is very confident that he qualifies. He's nervous of course but this is a huge step.

We also talked a bit about work and careers. One of his best friends did exceptionally well in high school - is on the same support program, works a generic retail job and is pretty happy. I think that for now S18 is going to focus on living his life. I talked about how the people who own the store across the street are very likely multi-millionaires and S18 mentioned that store managers seem to bring in pretty good coin.

He mentioned that his parents, especially his Dad go on about "wasted potential" but I think that S18 agrees with me that if you are happy and having your needs met then that's all good. We also talked about how just because you are in a particular job / career that that doesn't mean that you'll stay there forever. I think he felt fairly positive about it.

Since this was our first chance to talk since his mother told him about the split I was a bit nervous and I think he was too. I did talk about my future plans and how I may get a kitten in the spring "because that's probably all I can handle". The messaging I wanted to give him was that it wasn't him, nor even necessarily his mother. It was "my" inability to deal with living in that environment that was what led to the split. We have talked frequently, especially over this past month with it essentially being just the 2 so this wasn't a surprise to him at all.

I did also mention to him that even though I had given his mother a date of "New Years" for her and the boys to be out, that if there were delays with his government assistance program getting set up and him finding alternate housing that some minor accommodation could be made for a short time and the he didn't need to worry about being tossed out into the snow.

I have noodled around the idea of trying to teach him some more life-skills. He doesn't do his own laundry and given that S rarely does it either he's usually wearing dirty clothes. I also asked him if there were other things he was interested in learning how to cook and he suggested cheese bread - perhaps a bit ambitious.

I have no idea where S is or when she may be coming by. I did pack up a couple of more things - some takeout boxes from when she had a restaurant for a short period about 8 years ago. I'm itching to do more but won't just yet. I do think that once we pass New Year that I can get S26 to give me a hand to pack what is in the garage away so that I can use it again.

Others have suggested that S may well try to stretch things out, take advantage of me etc. All indications are no. She's essentially vanished. She can stay with her daughter or at her Dad's house. I honestly don't know and it really doesn't matter to me. I'm counting down the clock.

----

Well - time to get on with my day. The tea pot is empty.

I may look at getting some of my Christmas decorations out but might wait another week for that. I am going to check out some of the local shops in my village to see if they have some decor ideas for S26, pick up a six-pack at the brewery (so nice to not have to worry about that since smooching is right off the table) and do the usual cleaning and such that occupies my Saturdays. Given it's a nice day I may get in a walk too.


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I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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