Little Gerda Goes Forward with Courage and Safety

[Gerda]

Scout and Cardinal, amazing words. Very fortifying and humbling. Have been repeating them to myself since yesterday in some astonishment, thinking of what you see and said. Thank you so much, a real gift to me! And thank you for the poem, Cardinal, touching poem and even more touching that you thought of me in that context.

I read your story as far back as I could go when I first arrived here eighteen months ago. It was a cautionary tale for me. The effect of your H's behaviour on your children was shocking and shockingly obvious to an outsider. It took a while for you to notice, I think. But you have come SO far since then. It's abundantly clear now that you saved your children's lives, their souls, their hearts, whatever it is that makes up the core of their humanity. You are a very brave woman.

That was hard to read, but also gave me a lot of courage. It's what I think I have to offer, the blessing in this, a roadmap of where not to go. But it's complicated because I think I had to stand in that way in order to find faith and that is where any courage I have came from.

I never look back at my early posts. It's too painful to think of. It's painful to imagine what must be very clear about me then, through my words. I don't want to see it.

At some point I plan to figure out what I couldn't hear then, and to try to write a post for newbies that could touch on that. I'm not sure you can skip any steps in this process. But I was confused about the difference between standing for your marriage and allowing abuse. When people posted to me that my H was abusive, I didn't think they understood my life or what God expected from me. We owned two businesses together, one of which was part of our home, so it took a long while to figure out how to extricate myself and him, an endless time to get him out of my house, etc. But I didn't think I was abused and now it's quite obvious that I was, and that I thought I deserved it and that I thought I could handle it and that I didn't realize my kids were watching it.

I don't know if I am brave. I mean, I am very brave about things like working in a prison or a tough neighborhood or jumping into a business deal, etc. I think I carry myself in this world in a way that no one would suspect I was scared of anything. But I have been terrified of my H and terrified of court. I battle that fear always, and I beg God to save me from that burden all the time.

Somehow this latest round seems to make things much clearer for me. That I have to keep walking this path, there will be no escape from it because H doesn't want to escape and I don't have a way to get him the full equity right now.

I never felt particularly brave, quite the opposite. I think I am just willing to consider the possibility that God has a plan for me, at least some of the time.

As an example -- I've been bringing dinner to this old man from my church since Covid started. He always ate at the senior center and it was closed -- I mean, even the nearby deli was closed in the early days and this old man can't walk very well, has a permanent wound that needs weekly medical care and didn't have a fridge or a phone, so truly he could have died without help. (This old man is very faithful and played a role in my conversion, though he did not know it, just from my watching his patient suffering and prayer for a few years.) At first, I went every night with his dinner, and I was making calls to social worker, etc, to get him a fridge and a phone. There were times when he was very grouchy and depressed and I felt like it was an emergency situation. I could actually see him improve a little as a result of getting this one healthy meal a day. finally after things really opened again, I slowed it to every other night.

But I didn't do this with a generous heart all the time. Sometimes I had to clench my teeth to do it. I'd have these waves of resentment on my way to his place or while I am waiting the long long time it takes him to make it down the stairs to the front door of the building. Sometimes I have to swallow hard against these dark feelings in order to greet him kindly. But I have had several times what I see as very clear requests from God to keep serving this old man. And one day I realized that we really have no way to know that God cares for us unless someone else shows us by loving us. If I look at my own life, at the moments where I felt love from someone else, true love with no agenda but just care for me, those moments changed everything, and many of them increased my faith at God's ability to provide for me. And I realized that at this moment in that man's life, I was that person for this old man. I was the only person, there was no one else who would do it. That gave me peace about continuing to bring him this dinner every other night. But it didn't mean that I don't still sometimes want to revolt against it. And lately I watch myself in battle with my will, thinking of all that God has done for me, how he has sustained me through this impossible journey, all the help I have received, all the light and blessings that came to me, and then to think of how I battle myself, I battle my own opportunity to show God's love to this old man when I know that doing it has only refined me for the better and that there are further mysteries in it that I don't even know yet. Both when I feel like I want to go and when I really feel like I can't bear to go and go anyway, this is teaching me a lot about how hard it is to love as God loves.

And all of that is to say, that for most of my LBS journey, I thought that learning to love as God loves meant I had to keep loving my H as a wife, no matter what he did to me. Now I can see that I don't have to be that man's wife to show God's love in this world and that I don't have to be his wife to do God's will.

I know that many of you aren't religious so this may not make sense, but I think if you just think of "God's will" as the plan for your life, it will be clear and hopefully help someone else. It took me seven years to get to this point, and honestly it's only when H became such a horrible scoundrel in the D, not even what he did just as a pre-D MLCer, that I was able to see him, his mental illness and the impossibility of getting him to stop. Maybe God had to bring me through this fire, this crucible, to help me truly understand who H was. I see the signs were there all along but I didn't see them until things got so bad I was forced to truly look.

[97Hope]

And all of that is to say, that for most of my LBS journey, I thought that learning to love as God loves meant I had to keep loving my H as a wife, no matter what he did to me. Now I can see that I don't have to be that man's wife to show God's love in this world and that I don't have to be his wife to do God's will.

I know that many of you aren't religious so this may not make sense, but I think if you just think of "God's will" as the plan for your life, it will be clear and hopefully help someone else. It took me seven years to get to this point, and honestly it's only when H became such a horrible scoundrel in the D, not even what he did just as a pre-D MLCer, that I was able to see him, his mental illness and the impossibility of getting him to stop. Maybe God had to bring me through this fire, this crucible, to help me truly understand who H was. I see the signs were there all along but I didn't see them until things got so bad I was forced to truly look.

I had to say - out loud - YOUR will NOT mine, Lord every morning for months before I actually wanted anything other than my M to be saved.

Something that you might like is "How to Deal with Dark Times" - Tim Keller. I even took notes it spoke to me so much.

It was difficult to me to reckon how God hated divorce, but was allowing it to happen - but, like you, things had gotten so bad I didn't have a choice but to look.

Yes, God hates divorce, but there is also the commandment about adultery. I had a lot of fear around my D - and how it would affect me. I'm so glad you have your relationship with Him now. He is always faithful and will never leave or forsake you.

I will be praying about your D. I can tell you that I didn't get what I prayed for, sometimes I had quite the struggle, but everything I did get blessed me in ways I never would have dreamed.

Stay strong! ((((G))))

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

You are brave.

I know you are terrified of H and the witch judge and court. Being scared is ok. Fearless is not a requisite of bravery. The courageous takes action in spite of their feelings of fear. And through their actions lights the world, bathing those around them within a glow of security, protection, and comfort. Your children know your courage. They won’t articulate it for sometime, not til older, but they know, and they see. Believe me, they realize who is lighting their world.

Very well done with the meal for the old man. Yes, one doesn’t always have a generous heart, and resentment can find its way in. Yet in spite of that, you kept doing. (Not trying, doing. ) You made a world of difference to that man. Through kind deeds one becomes the tool of God.

Your time in your crucible is transforming you. Healing you. Strengthening you.

All of our prayers are answered. Every single one. Sometimes the answer is no. Maybe even most times. Well it is regarding my lottery tickets. Our heartfelt prayers, full of sincerity, at times are not what we need, nor what is best for us. God’s will be done. He knows and answers, always. It is us that struggle to realize His reasons. Have faith, His blessings come not from that which we want, but from that which we don’t realize we need.

A brave courageous heart, full of love and compassion, is a blessing that takes time to create. A woman who feeds an old man dinner; she is walking the path of light. Take a step back from the crucible for a moment and see who has been crafted.

Stand tall and brave Gerda. It suits you.

D

[Gerda]

Well, here is how fear works, despite the amazing words spoken by DnJ and 97Hope and everyone else. I spoke with the lawyer friend and he advised me not to complain about the judge but simply answer the motion. Contempt requires clear and convincing evidence of willful violation of an order and that is obviously not the case, I have attempted multiple times to get him and to get court to modify the amount because of a rather drastic change of circumstances to the entire WORLD's income not just mine. And despite getting no response or a reasonable adjustment, I have been paying him $1000 a month. So my friend assured me I have nothing to worry about and that I can tell the judge that H and I actually agree on the need for a modification of the order. So nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about.

This afternoon D11 tells me that she doesn't have to go to H's place four hours away this weekend because he is coming to our city to look for an apartment, and will be renting a place here. I almost choke on my terror, and D11's absolute bliss gives me that old feeling that she is betraying me and I get angry inside. Fortunately we are on the way to Mass when this happens so I have a while to try to give that feeling to God. But I feel so scared, I keep having to tell myself over and over that there is nothing to be afraid of, even if he does move back. Suddenly I don't even love my city anymore, I want to run away and remember that I can't. And I'm terrified for S15, that he might have to encounter H again too.

And now --

It's 4 in the morning and I just woke up from a terrifying dream. I was home, and I was terrifed that H was going to return. I knew he was coming. Friends were telling me that was just anxiety, nothing to worry about. I couldn't find my phone and I was getting more scared. I wanted to have a friend calm me down. And then I looked down in the landing and H was coming in. He was dressed all in black and was hanging up his coat on the hooks in our stairwell. (It's a dream, okay? i know he wouldn't stop to hang up his coat!) The dog wasn't doing anything because the dog REMEMBERS him and loves him, he's a DOG! I frantically rush down the stairs and shut the door against him, no phone but trying to think of a way to lock that door against his strength and run to the bar next door for help. I'm pushing the door back against him, trying to turn the deadbolt, screaming. And H is screaming all kinds of crazy stuff about how the end is coming for me and I will finally be brought to justice.

I wake up, literally breathing hard, terrified. I have one of those smooth wooden crosses a friend gave me, the kind they give to patients in hospitals so they can hold a smooth cross for comfort. It's handmade by a guy in TX who gives them away and I usually sleep with it in my hand, and my son, when he is anxious, also asks for it and holds it to help himself get to sleep. Anyway I say to myself, You have nothing to be afraid of. IThat's a lie from the devil, and I hold the cross and then I press it into my chest because I am still terrified. I think, is that dream a warning to me? And I think, NO! It's a lie! And I pray and try to remember that I am walking in light. Then I start thinking about how I could get a restraining order and I how I would use the dream to show how afraid I am of this man, to ensure he can't move back in. Then I remember that this order that he is trying to get dismissed is the one I finally got in place precisely to prevent his return. I think of my guy friends, one of whom is an LBS, and how I could call them to protect me. And how I can't do that. I start praying for clarity -- to know if this is just fear based on something or if I have cause to be afraid, and what I should do.

I don't know the answer or if I will get one in the days to come. But I am writing this to show that the battle with fear is real. I know that the answer is to see it for what it is, whether it's based on something that could happen or something that could never happen. But also that it's lonely. It's lonely at 4 in the morning, facing your fear alone. I came downstairs and told the dog, I need you to protect me if something happens. He's a sweet dog but can be tough, he would protect me from anyone else, but not H. My mind racing, then calmed with a prayer, then racing, the early morning sky outside the window so dark still. Fear. Four in the morning, I'll go back to sleep, the morning will come. But I think it's important for those of us ladies who have suffered real abuse from these MLCers to see fear for what it is and to remember it's not based on nothing, even if they wouldn't actually hurt us physically, the fear is real and there is nothing wrong with you for feeling it and it's not your fault you have to battle it.

[job]

I know that you feel that your daughter has betrayed you, but you need to be careful when talking to her. The old saying "a dog that brings a bone will carry one". In other words, what you say to her, she takes back to him and vice versa. As for him moving to the city and being near you, I have to wonder how he can afford that, especially in the times that we are living in.

Breathe! Stay calm and do not complain about the judge. Do as your friend has suggested. You can get more with honey than you can with vinegar.

[Sage4]

Hi sweet Gerda, I have been following along on your rollercoaster journey this past week and have been sending lots of love and empathy your way. Despite what you have been dealing with, you sound grounded and strong. Something has shifted in your tone and approach, can you feel it? Keep feeding that fire, girl. It will burn the darkness into light.

This afternoon D11 tells me that she doesn't have to go to H's place four hours away this weekend because he is coming to our city to look for an apartment, and will be renting a place here. I almost choke on my terror, and D11's absolute bliss gives me that old feeling that she is betraying me and I get angry inside.

It is brave of you to acknowledge your feelings of betrayal from D11. Speaking them out loud serves to keep those feelings in the light where they can be examined from all angles and not allowed to fester in the dark and rear up in later years. Can I gently ask if there is a part of you that feels the betrayal not as an act of your daughter really betraying you, but that you view your daughter is a proxy of the previous Gerda? The Gerda who had so much hope and love, who stood for so long in the face of abuse? In a scream: How can daughter not see the truth about her Dad? And in a whisper: How did Gerda not see the truth about H? Something to sit with if it resonates. (((Gerda & D11)))

But I am writing this to show that the battle with fear is real. I know that the answer is to see it for what it is, whether it's based on something that could happen or something that could never happen. But also that it's lonely. It's lonely at 4 in the morning, facing your fear alone. I came downstairs and told the dog, I need you to protect me if something happens. He's a sweet dog but can be tough, he would protect me from anyone else, but not H. My mind racing, then calmed with a prayer, then racing, the early morning sky outside the window so dark still. Fear. Four in the morning, I'll go back to sleep, the morning will come. But I think it's important for those of us ladies who have suffered real abuse from these MLCers to see fear for what it is and to remember it's not based on nothing, even if they wouldn't actually hurt us physically, the fear is real and there is nothing wrong with you for feeling it and it's not your fault you have to battle it.

Fear is real. Outsiders like us can tell you to compartmentalize that fear, work through it, let it go. But the fact of the matter is that it is so visceral to you right now. Fear lives in you, in each of your cells, in your subconscious and in your conscious brain when you are experiencing it like you are. What would it look like to just sit with that fear for a while. Welcome her, get to know her, dig down to the source of her existence. You might find that there are arenas of that fear that you can soothe by talking to a L friend (like you did), or that some of the fear is irrational and can be let go. And for the rational fear, my coping mechanism is to come up plan ABC (DEF) for my fear arenas. If X happens, I will do Y, or Z. While it doesn't make the fear go away, having back up plans makes me feel stronger, more empowered and lessens the grip of fear.

Thinking of you, sweet G. You have got this and we have got you.

xx

[OwnIt]

What a wonderful comment Sage on why this had the impact on Gerda it did. Something for us all to consider.

Yes Gerda, don't report the lawyer or the judge. Focus on the primary battle of getting through the divorce in the straightest line possible.

I'm glad that you were heartened by my experience and can see that these things take a certain direction regardless of one's knowledge and resources. While I have the tools to deal with my situation, I could not change that the situation existed in the first place because I have no power over OD and his actions and choices.

That is why I said don't bother with mediation in the first instance. You cannot force the unwilling to do something they don't want to and when they are like this, rather than passively going along they fight to the bitter end. Over the next four months I will likely have to spend over $200k in legal fees. That is a staggering amount of money and has brought much heartache to me on behalf of my kids, on whom I could better spend that money. But I am powerless to change the situation. I have tried to resolve this in a kinder and gentler way and I have had to accept that I cannot do so on my own. Therefore my choices are to do nothing or to advocate for my children and myself. That is not really a choice as I see it.

Revel in your daughter's resilience and ability to find happiness in even dark times. Revel in your lead as her mother that she can do that. Focus on her gain, not your loss; her joy, not your sorrow.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

I hope you got some sleep after such a nightmare.

... D11's absolute bliss gives me that old feeling that she is betraying me and I get angry inside.

(((Hugs)))

I’ve been there. I was there for a time, trapped and scared.

My kids were all old enough to legally make there own decisions regarding certain aspects of their lives. Specifically, at the time, D15 and S17, and where/who they would live with.

I was afraid that D15 would move in with Mom and OM. That particular feeling within me wouldn’t let go. S17 was angry with Mom and he wouldn’t even see her. D15 kept her emotions hidden more, and I had difficulty crafting a bridge between her and I to allow her to openly discuss them. If you recall, at the time I didn’t speak “girl” very well. So I felt.

It’s our feelings is all. That is not to downplay them, oh no, they are very much real. However, feelings will flit when not reinforced. Fear being one of the hardest feelings to let go of.

I was afraid that D15 wanted to, or would realize she wanted to, or would wake up and decide to try to, live at OM’s with Mom. So many imagined possible futures. Fear focuses upon the negative ones. There were/are just as many (I’d say more because I’m that optimistic guy ) positive future outcomes as well.

For a time the darkness of fear obliterates the light of hopefulness.

Fear and hope are both concerning future possible events. Both live in the possibilities. We can extinguisher hope so easily (at first), and be consumed by fear. I’ve detailed my journey and way through the darkness, and hopefully provided a few signposts for those souls searching for their own ways through.

Fear is triggered. It is coupled to an imagined outcome. Fear’s irrational tentacles burrow deep within us. Bind us. Paralyze us.

My daughter’s imagined move to her Mom’s boyfriends place was irrational. (That’s doesn’t mean crazy, just not rational, based upon non-rational responses) That outcomes was an obvious unwanted and feared future event. It was also coupled to many other extensions of that. D15 would love Mom more; choose Mom’s side; believe Mom’s narrative; would hate me; abandon me; and so on. Fear’s roots are about us.

At the heart one’s fear is some imagined future of personal pain and hurt. It is perfectly normal and rational to “fear” pain and hurt. We evolved and survived to avoid such things, and therefore live and procreate.

The irrational part of the fear response is the coupling and binding it does to us. That are the ties to cut.

It doesn’t help that one is midst a hot mess of an once loving spouse. Losing fear regarding a single item, like spiders, is tough enough. The LBS has their entire life stirred up - lots to sort out.

As I mentioned many times fear is absolutely real and irrational. The ties are irrational and therefore require a elegant manner to overcome. A brute force solution has little success against such. A sideways approach I found works well. One rationalizes the irrational ties. Uncoupled fear’s grasp by uncoupling the trigger, possible future, and feeling of doom.

As irrational as one can get, I had coupled D15’s happiness with her wanting to move away from me and in with OM and Mom. What?!? Yep. So, when D15 was happy and content, I was dragged down the rabbit hole of “she must want to leave, hates me, and wants to live with Mom”.

People don’t like fear and work against and avoid the trigging events. Daughter’s happiness was a trigger. That was a big problem. Of course I want her happy, but then she’ll leave. Ah fear. Looking back, I do chuckle about it. My irrational ties. And looking back, I’m proud and pleased at what I worked my way through.

My daughter had no intention of moving in with Mom. But my feelings said otherwise. Feeling flit! Had to remind myself. Had to remind myself of the irrational coupling. Had to remind myself of the rational - if D15 is happy with you, it actually means she would stay living at home.

Fear is not just emotions. It is part of beliefs. And those are slow to change. Beliefs require consistent reminded effort to alter them. It is this slow changeability that makes our beliefs such great life heading to follow - once they are set where we want them.

It’s not about ignoring one’s fear or that fear is not real. No, fear is real! And shouldn’t be ignored. One finds and acknowledges their ties and responses and their source of pain and hurt. Then slowly uncouples it. Cuts those irrational tentacles that bind.

My daughter’s happiness is just that - Her Happiness!

My fear about pain and hurt of abandonment tied that to me. Or my pain and hurt of abandonment tied that to my fear. Either way you want to look at it. My fear is about me!

Daughter’s happiness was a trigger. Her moving out was an unwanted possible future event. I felt pain and hurt from abandonment. These got all irrationally tangled up. Fearlessness - untangles and cuts the tie.

Fearless is not feeling-less. I still feel hurt from abandonment. I don’t feel fear/believe from abandonment. I don’t tie it to anything, nor have triggers for it.

Fearless still sees and avoids the dangers. I don’t want to get hurt. And It doesn’t turn one into some thrill seeking dude with a go pro camera jumping of a building. It does allow one to act with reason and purpose. My irrational responses short circuited me to that somewhat before.

Gerda, I had those 4:00 am nights as well. Spoke with my dogs too. Felt so utterly alone!

Fear is a prison. One in which we are both prisoner and jailer.

Fear

You are face down on the hard floor. I am right beside you, encouraging you to lift your head and shine your light.

D

[Eagle3]

Gerda, I'm not a woman of many written words, more kind of a person who prefers to talk F2F but never question the

fact that you are a beautiful, powerful and brave women.

What you have been through all those years, very few would have done it the way you handled it and still be so strong.

Never, ever question that!!!

[Gerda]

Job, Sage, Own, DnJ and Eagle -- Thank you so much. These words meant so much to me, I did visit my page a few times yesterday to get some fortification and it's so mysterious to have these people out in the world somewhere care about me and take the time to tell me! Thank you so much!

Eagle, I am a woman of words but agree with you that F2F is much better and wish I could hear your words that way instead! It means so much to me that you found those words to tell me that, I will have to hang that on my wall!

Job, I hear you! You always keep our feet on the ground.

Own, I agree but it's kind of like standing. I don't regret trying and would try again if he was willing. I think the effort is part of my journey and I also think it is great to go to trial with this giant file of evidence of all the times I tried to settle, to no avail, esp as H is still trying to get me to pay for his legal fees by claiming I delayed a settlement!

Sage and DnJ, longer words are amazing too, and much food for thought which I have been munching and crunching. I do think I am shifting to something different but most of it is based on acceptance -- I don't know if I changed but just remembered who I was before and stopped holding out for something -- not restoration but the thought that H would stop doing this and I could have a peaceful life now. Realizing that H may always have been ill on some level but covering it up, and realizing that I can't stop him from wanting to destroy me and just seeing him truly for who he is. I am very good at loving what is best in people and this has been a hard thing to shift. I guess at this point, H makes it "easy"!

Thanks for the gentle revelations. I don't think it's even a whisper for me about D11. It's overt. But it's not because I don't want to face that I should have known. That is my focus these days but I think the reason is different. It's not because of H. It's because of my own mom and somewhat, my dad. It's because I have realized that H is not the first person I didn't see clearly. Looking back at my life and realizing that I never thought anyone would love me, that every guy I dated before H was another version of that dynamic. The scales have been coming off about H for the last seven years but recently I am astonished to realize that I thought I was marrying someone so different from the people who hurt me as a child but that in fact that kind of NPD was extremely familiar to me, so much that I didn't realize how natural it was for me to become a wife to the same dynamic that dominated my childhood/teen years and which I thought I had escaped.

These people are very dangerous to a child. Not knowing what was happening, not being able to see clearly -- well, it's like that scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams says, "It's not your fault, it's not your fault," over and over until the kid is crying his head off. It's like I just woke up and looked back at it all and see with astonishing clarity how dangerous my mother and brother (who was literally diagnosed with NPD as a teen and spent time in psych ward) and even my dad were to me, the gaslighting and confusion and self-hatred I carried under this veneer of being the strongest and the smartest girl around. I still can't imagine that anyone would ever love me with an honest and uncomplicated love.

That's what I am afraid of for D11. S15 is greatly burdened by not having a dad and really having no extended family to stand in the gap. He carries a weight of grief, covered over by defiance and silence that is hard to take at times. But he makes his own money and takes care of himself in many ways already, and he sees his father clearly enough to refuse to see his father. D11 doesn't. She has a lot of learning disabilities and it's hard for her to understand a lot of things. So yes, I am very scared for her, and I think if she "chose" me, it's not that it would make me feel better or more justified though I guess that's true too. It's that I am afraid she will travel through her life with the same feeling I had, that she has to fix broken people and that she won't know how to look for an honest love or think it is possible or think she deserves it. I even see this pattern in her choice of best friend, and they are only 11! (I am not projecting, her best friend really is a drama queen with very little empathy and they have a lot of disagreements that end with D11 apologizing when she didn't do anything wrong.) I am afraid for her now, watching her confusion and how she gets the same gaslighting and confusion and anxiety I did with H -- now, but then later, that she will walk with a wound for forty years too, and carry this devastation on for another generation. I had such a different idea of what my family life would be, of what kind of mom I would be -- and I at least had a huge extended family to fill my broken life when I was her age. She doesn't have that, and I think if she saw her father for what he is, she could start learning how to set boundaries -- not to never see him again (though I think a break for a while could be good) but to strengthen herself to not get confused and to never find so familiar a man who is like that later that she mistakes it for love.

I know that this is a fear against which I must apply the DnJ method but I am laying out there what it is, I need to see it very clearly for now.