DnJ, we just popped on at the same time but I have to go and patch a tile floor at the rental below me. Just bought some tile/grout in one thing and am using hex tile bigger than the hex tile that peeled off, leaving huge bald spot that got bigger and bigger as H got crazier and crazier. At one point a few years ago he finally said he'd fix it so I bought a few tiles that didn't match at all in a huge rush to try to meet the window of his suddenly agreeing to fix something around here. He of course didn't do it, three years later the bald spot is as big as a foot on a tile floor and so I decided to fix it today, however sloppy and mismatched it is. It only has to last til I can redo the bathroom! After I redo the roof and the basement?
Oh well, house flip will pay for all!
I am in a weird state since seeing H's latest motion. Did I mention part of it was him moving back in, by moving to the rental unit below (without paying rent of course). He'd rather propose that insane solution that would drive us into foreclosure than get 50K now and another 50K in a year and the whole thing in 2-3 years. MLCers are so weird. I feel like I am at a crossroads of having to see him truly as he is in order to be able to do what I have to do for my kids. I get surprised every time by how... ungentlemanly... he is. He's truly such a blackguard. He would have had such disdain for a man like that before, but maybe that was an all an act because it mirrored my values.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
I am in a weird state since seeing H's latest motion. Did I mention part of it was him moving back in, by moving to the rental unit below (without paying rent of course). He'd rather propose that insane solution that would drive us into foreclosure than get 50K now and another 50K in a year and the whole thing in 2-3 years. MLCers are so weird. I feel like I am at a crossroads of having to see him truly as he is in order to be able to do what I have to do for my kids. I get surprised every time by how... ungentlemanly... he is. He's truly such a blackguard. He would have had such disdain for a man like that before, but maybe that was an all an act because it mirrored my values.
This is such a difficult part of all of this. I know you are a vet here, so hoping this isn't presumptuous of me, but I relied on my atty for everything and friends who hated what he was doing. That way I could keep my emotion out of it.
It's hard, but protect your future at all costs.
I always reckoned that I had to protect myself and not allow the disordered person to guide my ship. I would keep the other crazy decisions they had made that hurt themselves and the family in the forefront of every decision I had to make.
Sorry you are going through this, but love reading about your progress!
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Blessed are the peacemakers. Do walk with faith my friend, and fearlessly push back the dark.
I so like OwnIt’s advice and style. How can one not, with words like intransigence and vexatiously. (Oh, I’ve got use those sometime. Lol)
H’s idea that he would move back into the unit below is so out there. I suppose he’s got some manner of irrational feelings/thoughts that such a move makes sense to him. Such is the mind of the MLCer. Couple that with his so non-gentleman actions and demeanour; it’s quite a train wreck of a life he is leading.
And yes, at times we all look around and shake our head at the stuff our MLCer is doing. Our demons and fears and disbelief do push every now and then.
One doesn’t so much rise above their demons, as lives among them. Peacemaker. Makes peace with their own demons. Finds acceptance and forgiveness.
How did the tile repair turn out?
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
This morning D11 said, "Papa read my wish! He is moving back to my area?" I said, "Really?" She said, "Yes, but I told him, nowhere near Mama, okay? And he said, of course not!" Then I opened my e-mail and mediator had written to say that H was backing out of mediation and sticking to litigation.
So when D11 started up again, I told her the truth. Not all of it, but I told her a little bit of it. I used to protect my kids from the reality of what H is doing but I realized last year that it made it worse for them, it was MORE agonizing to not understand that he lies -- about what he wants, what he will do to get it, what it means for them, etc.
What a scoundrel.
Last edited by job; 01/19/2109:06 PM. Reason: removed city per Gerda's request
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
I used to protect my kids from the reality of what H is doing but I realized last year that it made it worse for them, it was MORE agonizing to not understand that he lies -- about what he wants, what he will do to get it, what it means for them, etc.
I was just writing about this on another thread to Taz.
It's like when the WAS lies to us, and we know it doesn't add up, but they keep telling us lies and we can begin to feel 'crazy'. I realized this about 1/2 way through - and since then I've adopted a policy of radical honesty. Age appropriate, don't share details, but honestly. It has helped them immensely.
My boys are older, but even the young ones wonder what's 'wrong with them' when they know things aren't adding up.
He is a scoundrel. Gerda you are dealing with a lot. I'm sorry he's doing this, and hope and pray that the end is in sight for you to get on the other side of the legal dramas. x
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
I removed the location. However, please keep in mind that Cadet and I do not always check each and every thread every day. The next time you need a change, please hit report and one of us will pop in and change it for you within a short period of time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know you are a vet here, so hoping this isn't presumptuous of me, but I relied on my atty for everything and friends who hated what he was doing. That way I could keep my emotion out of it.
This might be a myth believed by the newbies, but I assure you that no one posts here to yell into the void! I love to read comments just as much as you do. Makes this journey much less lonely. Just to have someone say, "Yes, he is a scoundrel" is quite comforting.
You might not know my story but I had a lawyer before. In fact, I had three. I had to be pro se when I sold our family biz, after H went nuts and the biz began failing. Those buyers never paid me, long story, but I had to be pro se with them and did very well, so I thought I could do it in D court. But my judge was so horrifying on day one that I did get a lawyer. She had helped a friend of mine a lot but was going through her own MLC, I think never filed anything even in response, let alone to play offense a bit, ignored a lot of bad stuff (like H dropping our health insurance with no notice), etc., so I had to fire her. There was another after her who did 75% criminal law (people, don't hire anyone who is not full time D!) and whose partner had a heart attack so he had a triple case load and never prepared for anything when we went to court or did anything to strategize out of court. He even at court coerced me into signing the worst agreement ever, while I was sobbing hysterically and saying, "I can't do this!", as he really didn't understand that negotiation was not going to be possible. Hired lawyer three, spent 20K on an extremely minor gain without making any progress on big issues, then Covid hit, and he kept billing, so I decided to go pro se.
And I have been doing much better pro se. I think I could have done much better if I had the confidence from day one to do it, and if I had understood that the judge can't force you to do ANYTHING until you go to trial. But I was just too raw. And don't forget, H was LIVING with me while brutalizing me in court! He wouldn't even agree to be out on the mornings of court, so I would have to make breakfast near him and leave for court at the same time!
Oh my gosh, remembering that now makes me shiver with horror. Thank god that is over.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
I always reckoned that I had to protect myself and not allow the disordered person to guide my ship. I would keep the other crazy decisions they had made that hurt themselves and the family in the forefront of every decision I had to make.
It is a grace that you were able to do this so early in your journey. I came to faith early in my journey, and I thought it meant I had to stand for my marriage til the day I died. I didn't understand that my H may have been mentally ill all along, and that his BD was perhaps not the massive character change I thought, but more like the peeling away of a layer. Maybe a layer of his best self, but this other person was lurking all along, looking back I can't deny the many things that pointed to that darker self, or that he really was never that interested in me as a person or a woman.
But that's for another post.
For now I am just trying to figure out my next move.
I think it has brought me to a new level of detachment, this latest scoundrel-ism. I reread all the narcissistic personality disorder stuff, and the stuff about divorcing them. He doesn't check a lot of things on the list; he checks ALL OF THEM. I keep thinking I am going to be able to find the right negotiation angle? Or get anything out of judge that doesn't even force him to pay child support? I have to face the facts of H and the facts of this judge and I have to stop trying the same things that don't work. I have made a ton of progress over these three years, but I can't do this for another three years. The trial judge will be a different judge but this one just keeps accepting motions without ruling on them and never says, STOP FILING MOTIONS UNTIL TRIAL. I heard from a lawyer at the domestic abuse center that I could file something to have another judge review the case, so I am looking into that. I have to either find the money to pay him or get out of this judge's courtroom. I have a meeting with a family law lawyer who is a close friend but out of state. I am going to try to make a shift in my approach, facing reality, facing facing facing reality, don't look to the right or to the left or get confused about God's purpose for me. Walk with grace but walk in truth. Accept my circumstances, accept my time in the desert, stop trying to deny it even on some hidden level. It's all true, and I have to try a different path that stops trying to get around the truth of where I am, who H is, who my judge is, and all the rest.
Last edited by Gerda; 01/20/2105:48 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
I read your story as far back as I could go when I first arrived here eighteen months ago. It was a cautionary tale for me. The effect of your H's behaviour on your children was shocking and shockingly obvious to an outsider. It took a while for you to notice, I think. But you have come SO far since then. It's abundantly clear now that you saved your children's lives, their souls, their hearts, whatever it is that makes up the core of their humanity. You are a very brave woman.
Brave and fierce and brilliant. Do you know what echoed in my mind while reading your last posts? These lines from Amanda Gorman's poem today:
When day comes, we step out of the shade of flame and unafraid. The new dawn balloons as we free it. For there is always light, if only we’re brave enough to see it. If only we’re brave enough to be it.
I hope a new judge is in your near future and that the meeting with the lawyer friend is helpful. Sending strength and light to you, Gerda.
