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Merry Christmas Gerda

My best to you and your family.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Thank you so much, Grace and DnJ, for the wishes.

I have been lurking under a rock the last week or two after the judge's court attorney wrote to ask that we send her one pdf of the last three motion sequences. She actually thought I would do this jointly with H's L and she thought it could be done quickly. It was a GIANT task. I had each document in a google drive -- e.g., Exhibit N, correspondence with broker, and that one exhibit was like 15 files, and there were Exhibits A to N for each sequence! And there was my OSC, his OSC, my response to his OSC, my response to his response to my OSC! And all with exhibits. I just couldn't face it. Trying to put together gifts and a nice X-mas for the kids alone, finish my work for the semester, and that hanging over my head, along with just this generalized anxiety from this endless quarantine and never ever having even a second to myself, even if I stay up til 2 in the morning, my teen son is lurking about, asking for food, coming in and out, finally wants to talk to me, etc. (I did manage to get the gifts together, even got S a snowboard on sale and he was so happy in between his child-of-MLCer sorrow/rage that he gets at holidays.)

Finally two days ago I decided to print every single document out again and make a giant hard copy folder and then scan the whole dang folder. Had to get a new toner and nine million pages of paper, and then of course when I finally bit the bullet and started, the toner ran out, I pulled out the new one and discovered they had given me the wrong one! So I had to put it off another day and get my spine back on to try again.

Finally printed it all out, dishes piling high and the house a sea of mess all around me on the floor by the printer that I keep in a cabinet. Then I had to use a pdf app I found that would number it and then I made a table of contents for it by going through the whole thing again. The whole thing was over 400 pages.

I am at this point pretty detached from the emotion of it but it's still rather staggering to see all the insanity that H and his L committed with total impunity. I really want to avoid trial but I just can't imagine that if the trial judge (it will be a different judge) actually read any of these documents, s/he could not see that this whole thing is ABSURD and that it all could have been avoided since I was offering a 50-50 split since day one. I have an exhibit of all the settlement offers I sent him or that friends or biz partners attempted to broker, in addition to all the offers for mediation. There were OVER A DOZEN. The only thing that is keeping this going is that H wants a lump sum and doesn't seem to understand that a judge could agree with me that the kids should stay in a home that covers their housing costs and lets them walk to school and church and keep the same friends. E.g., he could end up getting NO money til 2027, or he can take my offer for big payouts every year til I refinance when rents are back to normal.

Our judge has never read anything I wrote, never paid any attention to any motion or exhibit. So it may have all been for naught to create such a clean and organized package. But while I was working on this in between hours staring into space unable to face it, H's L sent the judge the most shoddy version of it, with nothing labeled and the whole thing a big mess in three different files. When I said I would be sending the complete packet shortly, he protested that that was all he had ever received, even though both he and the court had access to the entire Google drive since July. It is not possible for that man to respond to anything in a normal reasonable way. He is always protesting, always lying, always looking for an angle. Just like his client.

In another development -- I have written before about how much I struggled with D11's middle school romance-style love with H, how my feelings ranged from annoyance to a sort of weird hatred, a feeling that she was betraying me. I even spoke to my pastor about this. (One thing he told me which was great was that his father was always fixing cars and told him, "Son, you can't fix the engine when it's hot.") But lately she has been telling me she doesn't want to see H anymore. She doesn't want to have to drive back and fourth four hours each way every other weekend to the place he moved. But she is saying that even if he lived nearby, she doesn't want to see him anymore, she wants a break from him. She vacillates about it but mostly she talks about how she doesn't want to hurt him because she is his favorite person but she just doesn't feel comfortable there and doesn't think he really loves her because of all he has done and is doing, esp trying to sell our home. And because of all the body shaming he does, though she thinks she has now made it clear to him that he can't do that anymore. I think that his MLCness and NPDness is not something that even a child doesn't sense after a while. I asked her if I have said things to make her feel this way and she said definitely not. I have corrected some lies about the house -- he had told her I stole all his money and refused to give him his share, etc., so she does know that I offered to pay him his equity slowly so that we could stay in our house and that he refused and is insisting on selling it now without a plan to pay for their housing. But other than that I was happy, she said that he trash talks me all the time but that she notices I don't do that. What a relief and proof that thoughts do not ALWAYS appear on an expressive face!

I haven't been posting lately, just can't bring myself to explain, but I am writing all this here because it seems like hearing these stories of others is helpful, and lent is coming so I will be absent for that. I think it is helpful also to notice that even someone like me, full of faith and not bitter, pretty detached by fighting for my kids, has days of intense darkness and paralysis. All you can do is keep walking, even if you can only move one toe one inch. Just keep walking forward and trusting that you should do all you can with the gifts you have been given (e.g., I am smart, a hustler, business-savvy, so I can use those skills) but after you do all you can, you leave the rest to God and trust that whatever happens will have a purpose and a meaning to it that is bigger than you. The other thing I do is read about what women and children are going through all over the world and then I am even a little ashamed that I would worry about my sitch.

Lastly I have been thinking a lot about something I saw on a Ted talk by Sarah Cooper, where she said that whatever you are doing sneakily, whatever you are shirking work for, that is what you should be doing for a living. So I am looking very seriously into the house flip idea, and I started a program for youth in prison and that is going pretty well already. I am doing that as a volunteer but I am just trusting that it will lead to something. I worked so hard as an adjunct this year and still lost my health insurance and got paid almost nothing so I think I need to make a change, do more of my creative work and make a living doing things I like.

OK, S too is demanding something so gotta run.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Happy New Year to you and your family.

Gerda, I hope and pray that this year will be a much calmer one for you and your family. Your h is a very strange one because he has done everything humanly possible to destroy you and whatever financial benefits that you both had. I may be looking in from the outside, but he reminds me so much of my xh because my xh tried every trick in the books to destroy me as well as whatever assets we had. My lawyer once said that it appeared as if he really didn't want a divorce but didn't have the guts to call it quits, so he nitpicked everything to death in the hopes that I would throw up my hands and say enough and either give him what he wants or to keep the status quo. It's very difficult when you have to deal w/a nitwit who can't see the forest for the trees.

Stay the course and try to remain as calm as possible when dealing with the judge, etc. You've been at this entirely too long and it's time for this train to reach the summit, go over the summit and come down the other side to a more peaceful existence for you and your children.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Happy new year! I’m excited to see what kind of life you design for yourself in 2021.


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Happy 2021, Gerda!

I love reading your posts and your advice to others has been so enlightening to me. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with all of us.

I have been thinking about that Sarah Cooper comment, it is really inspiring. What a great thought to start the new year.

Hugs!

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Job, thank you for stopping by! I always get a boost when I see a post from you!

It's also very validating to hear that you see my sitch this way, since you of all of us have seen it ALL! I guess all MLCers have some things in common but it sounds like yours and mine had more than their share. Was your H's father a terror too? I think that had a lot to do with it for mine. Or almost everything to do with it. Mine was so focused on being a great father because of what his did to him, had so many books about fatherhood, Fatherless America, etc., and then he became the worst father EVER.

And thank you for the kind words and comments, Sage and Scout! I am glad to have made friends with you gals and hope that one day you will find yourself in my city and we can meet for a drink and a hug like Grace and I did! (That goes for all my friends here!)

I have a house question for DnJ! I just got up to my cabin, only here for a night. And horror of horrors, I went to the basement and discovered that my beautiful subfloor was WET!!!! I am not sure what happened but there was a power outage up here last week and then rain upon rain upon snow upon rain, a deluge with floods. I am on a hill but I guess the groundwater was swellin? It looks like my sump pump either stopped working or was overwhelmed. I need you to come over and take a look!

Oh, you can't?

OK, well -- I called the handyman and he may come by tomorrow. Around here that means he may come by in two weeks.

He said that if my sump pump truly failed the whole basement would be flooded.

I have had a reasonably dry just damp basement for like ten years, and now that I put in (most of) that subfloor -- FLOODORAMA. The dehumidifer was also off. So I turned that on and started a heater like Sensei DnJ told me last time. But many of the subfloor panels are damp and swollen and the seams pulled apart on some of them. I couldn't finish installing them yet because I not only ran out of panels but also ran out of time. So I was going to finish it in a month or so when I am up here for a little longer. But now many have "un-seamed" and Gerda-of-the-not-manly-arms may have trouble pounding them back in without that helper guy. (The helper guy btw really screwed up my mini-split DIY install so now I am waiting on a real HVAC guy to come fix the set-up so I can turn the sucker on. The helper guy was good at some stuff but not HVAC!)

Anyway the point is -- do you have any words of wisdom on this sump pump issue? How often does one need one? What should I do in short and long term about it? I don't think I want to learn how to stick my hand in the sump pump, no matter how encouraging you are. Handyman will tell me what to do if he shows up but I was hoping for your second opinion.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Hello Gerda

400 pages of court documents. Wow!

Good for you.


Interesting that D11 is seeing her Dad in a different light. Children are pretty perceptive; just takes some time.


Oh no! Sump pump horror. I feel for you.

If the pump didn’t fail, the deluge of rain water and snow might have overwhelmed the drain and backed up into basement. If memory serves, you only have some minor weeping of water on one wall, which would hardly cause what you are describing.

However, it is possible that the pump has failed. I’m not sure about the “sticking your hand in the pump” idea. Do you mean the drain outlet?

I am picturing a sump pit - a depression or pit in the low spot of the basement floor. In this pit, sits the pump, which has a drain hose to the outside, usually just pumps out to ground level which then flows away.

A few suggestions: If space permits, have two pumps. One is a backup in case of a failure of the primary pump. In this scenario one on pump is deeper than the other and runs, the other would seldom run.

It sounds like the dehumidifier unfortunately doesn’t restart automatically after a power outage. That is a rather troublesome and common status of modern equipment and appliances. With your cabin being mostly not attended too when rented, you might consider investing in a UPS - an uninterruptible power supply, a battery which produces AC power during a power failure. That would keep your dehumidifier running and on until the power was restored, as long as the outage was not too long. I’d definitely power the sump pump(s) as well from the UPS.

My UPS is a 3000W 120/240V true sinusoidal AC output. I feed three different circuits in my house - computers and entertainment equipment (TV, surround sound, etc.) are protected and do not experience flickers or power outage. I do not have a sump pump, but if I did it would be powered from this.

However, I do admit I do not know the frequency or duration of outages experienced by your cabin. Perhaps, this is a one of, and my idea is overly conservative and unnecessarily risk avoiding. It’s kind of goes with my career. smile

Hopefully the subfloor panels will dry and can still be used.

I guess 2020 had one last kick for you. Here’s to 2021, and all the good it is bringing!

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Gerda,

Happy New Year!! You're the best!! I hope you know that.

On the flooding basement issue, I think you're a ways drive from your cabin so not sure how helpful this will be, but I have a little wifi water detector in my basement that will set off a notification on my phone if it gets wet. It plugs into an outlet, connects to wifi, and then has a little sensor you place where water comes in. It has been so helpful for me because I used to freak out every time it rained hard and race home from work to see if it was flooding in the basement... now I can just wait for my phone to tell me smile no, it really does help with the anxiety. It doesn't need to restart after a power outage either.

Hugs,

M


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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As May said, those work detectors work well. A good investment and peace of mind.

Once the basement is a living space with renters luxuriating down there, they would/could restart the dehumidifier after a power blink.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Happy New Year Gerda. Thank you for this....


Originally Posted by Gerda
I haven't been posting lately, just can't bring myself to explain, but I am writing all this here because it seems like hearing these stories of others is helpful, and lent is coming so I will be absent for that. I think it is helpful also to notice that even someone like me, full of faith and not bitter, pretty detached by fighting for my kids, has days of intense darkness and paralysis. All you can do is keep walking, even if you can only move one toe one inch. Just keep walking forward and trusting that you should do all you can with the gifts you have been given (e.g., I am smart, a hustler, business-savvy, so I can use those skills) but after you do all you can, you leave the rest to God and trust that whatever happens will have a purpose and a meaning to it that is bigger than you. The other thing I do is read about what women and children are going through all over the world and then I am even a little ashamed that I would worry about my sitch.


"All you can do is keep walking....."

I'm crying as I read this... I've hit another bump on the road I'm walking, but I'm still walking and smiling.

It's okay to fall. Just don't stay down too long.

Congrats on getting that youth program started. Sounds like a wonderful way to give back smile

You're an inspiration ((( )))


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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