Here's my question - Should I even mention this to ExH? My guess is like the last time, he will say some BS again to justify his behavior. I was so mad that I wanted to just call him up and ask him if he had drank too much. "Did you know that our son cried because he couldn't wake you up??"
But on second thought I don't know what it would accomplish.
You answered your own question, but if it will help, I'll tell you this. I approached my X about drinking and driving with our 17 y/o in the car and he LOST it on me. I told him "1 year ago you would be furious if you found out someone was drink driving with our kids in the car and now you are telling me I have the problem!?"
It accomplished nothing. Just more stress for me.
Originally Posted by wooba
I told S10 that next time I will send you guys to dad's only when one of you has a phone just in case you need to call me.
THIS!! I ended up telling S17 that he was not to get into ANY car while the driver was drinking or had been drinking no matter who it was. Explained to him that I understood it would be difficult addressing this with his dad but he was old enough to do that hard thing etc.
I think you have handled this perfectly - controlling what you can. I admire what it takes to deal with your situation.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Here's my question - Should I even mention this to ExH? My guess is like the last time, he will say some BS again to justify his behavior. I was so mad that I wanted to just call him up and ask him if he had drank too much. "Did you know that our son cried because he couldn't wake you up??"
But on second thought I don't know what it would accomplish.
I told S10 that next time I will send you guys to dad's only when one of you has a phone just in case you need to call me.
It's not worth it to fight about right now. I think making sure the oldest or the second oldest has a phone is really important. I'd also be careful about sending just the 8 yo. If that were ever a thing make sure he has snacks packed w/him just in case and if you can send a phone with him do so. However, if I were in your position I'd do everything in my power to make sure that the 8 yo doesn't go on his own.
Write all of this down. Dates, times, direct quotes from the kids. I know you're out of the States but child welfare matters in most places. If this keeps happening have a discussion with your lawyer before you have a discussion with exH. Find out what it may mean to have to fight for full custody and placement and what the qualifiers are on a parent being considered unfit enough for that to happen where you are. In the States it has to be pretty obvious AODA issues and/or mental health issues, long criminal history, or abuse (past or present and the future endangerment of the kids). I say all of this because picking the fight isn't worth it unless there are real tangible consequences. You can't really say "If this happens again I'm not brining the kids over ever again you can see them at my home where I can make sure they are safe," unless you have an actual way to back that up. And based on what I know about your exH is that he wouldn't go down without a fight. Knowing you can have a motion filed with a phone call gives you the real and tangible consequence that some one with AODA or untreated mental health issues needs.
Hey, wooba—how’s the job going? It’s exciting to know these pieces—new place, new job—are in place for you. It sounds stressful dealing with ExH nap time. WF has great advice and perspective. You’re handling it well and I hope it’s not an issue this weekend. At least your sons are prepared now.
Thanks for checking in cardinal- works been alright! It’s almost a month now. I had been quite anxious every day on my way to work for the past few weeks, but it’s finally getting better. Whenever I feel nervous, I think about how everything really is no big deal compared to what I went through after BD....if I could overcome that, there’s nothing that I can’t do!!
There is this lady at work who’s already shown a little teeth, I think she feels threatened by my arrival. I didn’t anticipate office politics would start so early already, but I guess dramatic people just can’t wait
Nothing new with ExH, our lawyers are still discussing. I haven’t had the time to push anything/follow up. I wonder what’s the hold up on his end. I continue to minimize contact with him, and I also blocked my MIL on my msging app. Lol. She kept sending me random messages (ex: pic of a cute cat) or just generally things that are meaningless to me and it was taking up unnecessary bandwidth. I don’t have ill feelings toward her, but blocking her was the best decision ever. It brought me so much peace! I figured if she really care how I’m doing, she can always call. But nope! Not once had she called to ask how I’m doing so far.
And this is really the most telling thing of all. How do you tell when people really care? With actions, not words, not a bunch of fluff.
Oh I just realized I forgot to mention that I work in the same company as ExH and we are actually in the same building. But I’ve ran into so many people I know already (big company here in the neighborhood) but I haven’t ran into him. I wonder if he’s been avoiding me lol. Also he’s mentioned this to me twice already so far: “we need to talk about both of us being here. You don’t know the culture here. People here don’t like hearing about family issues.”
So excited and happy to see you killing it at your new job. Office politics are no fun and I find it especially frustrating/annoying that people spend that kind of time and energy in such petty ways when there are sooooo many other things to be worried about right now. Sorry that you are experiencing that but you're good at dealing with irrational drama queens!
Glad that the negotiations are happening between your Ls at this point. How are your kids?
xx M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Gerda- ha!! My friends also wonder how I can handle this. But hey, I’m not gonna let ExH stop me from accepting a great job offer!! I’ve got no skeletons in my closet.
May- I’ve got ExH to thank really. Whenever I come across difficult people, I think about what kind of crap I’ve had to put up with since BD and I say to myself, if I could survive through all of that, there’s nothing else I can’t push through!! And it really helps lol. Kids have been alright. I let S12 bring his phone with him when they’re at their dad’s, I think that brings them some peace as well.
Whenever I come across difficult people, I think about what kind of crap I’ve had to put up with since BD and I say to myself, if I could survive through all of that, there’s nothing else I can’t push through!!
I had a similar experience - after surviving the loss of my 24 year marriage after many years of fearing that outcome, I was pretty much freed of fear. Dating breakup? Small potatoes compared to my divorce. Performing onstage? I really didn’t care what anybody thought of me anymore. Difficult people? I had the skills to DB them and not take it personally. It’s very freeing if you’ve don’t the work and can embrace the lessons! Good for you!
