The title of my thread comes from the wording inside of a bracelet that was left on my porch. A friend new I was struggling and got me this anonymous gift . And that what I have to do. Keep f%#king going. It’s not easy though. I seem to get pummeled lately.
I became symptomatic with bad body aches and a small cough. It is not much, but it was enough to make me paranoid to go to work. I called in today and let work know. I can deal with the sickness. I can’t deal with exposing others. I had a test scheduled for Monday, but I took D13 and i to a testing center. The doc has to look at you for a min... and they looked in my throat and said I have lots of post nasal drip and that’s probably where my cough is coming from. There are quite a few positives from the shared office space this came from. I was the only exposed person outside of it. We will get our test on Monday and hopefully everything will be fine. And maybe we can still have thanksgiving. It’s been a little scary, but mostly an inconvenience.
On a different front. The ex wanted to talk about vacation dates for the summer. Apparently he is taking D13 away twice, once for 2 weeks and once for 1 week. The two weeks is to Hawaii. I am happy my daughter will get to experience Hawaii. However, I am upset about it. I am upset my daughter will be gone for 2 weeks so freakin far away. Doesn’t sit well. I guess I’m sad I can’t be the one to give her something like that. Then I’m upset that my daughter is going on a trip of a lifetime with THEM. Just the 3 of them. It crushes me and makes me cry every time I think about. Like right now as I’m typing it. Tears. ExH and I went to Hawaii with his family in 2000. That’s my memory of Hawaii. And now I think of the 3 of them . One big happy family in Hawaii. It’s the one thing after 13 years that still sends me reeling inside. I have more than gracious and accepting. But this feels like a knife in my heart.
I have to just keep f%^king going. But it is just getting harder and harder to do so.
Last edited by job; 11/21/2004:54 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
why is it always hawaii?? i will never ever go there, by choice. It's forever tarnished for me by the secret second honeymoon exh took with OW on our 21st wedding anniversary --- you know the trip, the one he tried to stick me for 1/2 the bill on, because he was "paying my living expenses" --- in our family home, three months after he left us. Yeah. F hawaii. Doesn't exist in my universe.
Petty? Probably, but that's exactly how I feel, all these years later.
I get it G, I really do -- this isn't what you signed up for when you got married and had your baby girl. Me neither. But it's what we have, so we can either deal or not ... our choice. For me, I allow myself a certain amount of grieving time around these things as they happen, then do as your thread title suggests. You will get through this.
Far more concerning is the symptoms. I'm waiting with you on the results and am praying you are both negative. xoxoxo you know where to find me if you need to talk. ever. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks, bttfly . I’m trying not to stay there too long. It’s just a trigger for me. I actually told my ex as much. He validated my feelings. Something he had never done when we were together. Someone at work who has just gotten to know me told me “nothing ever shakes me “ and I handle even stressful situations on an even keel. Ha! If people only knew what I was feeling inside sometimes. But there is often two parts of me, one that feels so hard, and another that’s kind of outside of my body where I just handle it . Hard to explain.
I wish I would just have normal covid symptoms. Today I have had god awful vertigo to the point I thought I might vomit. I have never had vertigo before. Aside from being an orthopedic nightmare, I am a very very healthy person. I don’t get sick, I dont have weird symptoms of anything and I am generally in good health aside from my aches and pains. I still have no idea what’s in my head or what’s real. What are the odds of me getting a cold which I never ever get at the same time I’m exposed to COVID? I don’t know.
I was talking to a friend today and I realized I haven’t gone on a. Date or even chatted with a guy since July. Who knows when it will be time again. COVID almost feels like it has sealed my fate. I’m going to be single forever.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don’t know how I feel today, lol. I woke up feeling good, and now the dizziness is back. I have a little runny nose but I’m not congested to the point I should be so dizzy. I just wish I had an answer. My test will come back tomorrow and I am scheduled for another test which I was going to cancel but I decided to take the test, in case my other was too early. This is really stressful. I just wish I knew. I don’t want to infect anyone. I can deal with it if I have it, and if this is it, I’m fine. But I have a bad feeling I will be all alone on thanksgiving when I have D13 and we had plans. He will take her with a negative test, but even if mine is negative, I don’t know how good I feel about going to my dads.
The worst fear and apprehension right now is infecting someone else. I’m trying to isolate the best I can. I need stuff at the store I can’t even get . I sent D13 in one place since its least likely she’s infected .
Thanks for checking in.‘I hope 2 weeks pass soon and I get all negative tests and I can still get my foot surgery
Good news is D13’s test came back negative. Mine is still pending. I think it’s still Pending because it needs a physician review. I think I have it.
In one way, I hope I do, because I am already isolated, already spending thanksgiving alone, etc. I don’t want to, because then D13’s dad won’t take her. And she is so upset about that. I hate this
This is so sad from my point of view. All of this angst and drama over a virus you will only know you even have due to a test. You feel “off” but not really sick. You feel worse due to the anxiety surrounding it all. You’re upset, your D is upset. Over a virus not even making you actually sick. You’re worried you’ll get blamed if someone else gets sick. You don’t want to spread it. Which is neighborly but if you had the flu would you be this worried? THIS is how this covid crazy has taken on a life of its own. If you do test positive you may feel guilty. I have a few friends that do. They are afraid to tell anyone. Think about that. Some get crazy scared as if it’s a cancer diagnosis even though overall survival remains extremely high. Thank you fear mongering, thank you politicians, thank you media, thank you crazy people. Imagine being more worried about the fallout and drama of the illness rather than the illness itself. That’s where far too many are. It’s how addiction patients feel. It’s how mental illness patients feel. It’s how STD patients feel. Vilifying disease. Getting sick is a part of life. That will never change, no matter how hard we try to change it. It may well be two kinds of people, those who have been exposed to covid and those who will be exposed to hit. No amount of hiding will keep you safe. It’s just life. Hopefully if you do test positive you’ll have a minor case and be virus free in time for surgery. Just please don’t blame yourself for having something you have no control over happening to you.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
3 kinds of people Don - those who have had, those who will get it, and those who manage to stay safe long enough to get the vaccine.
Already those who avoided it the first peak but are getting it now have much better treatment options. Also slowing the spread keeps hospitals within their capacity.
Hopefully it's just the good old flu and not the Covid. You'll know tomorrow and I know the anxiety is getting to you, but you need to try to get as much rest as you can and stay as calm as possible. If you have it, you've already started self isolating and will do what is necessary to get better. If you don't, you can then breathe a sign of relief and figure it might be the flu. I am praying that it's just the flu.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It’s not the flu. It may not be Covid but these are not flu symptoms. EVERYBODY needs to know what influenza symptoms are. Sudden onset (people feel fine in the morning, have fever and body aches by night). Fever, usually high, with bad body aches for 3-5 days (I used to work in a busy urgent care center and see 30 cases a day. No rapid flu tests back then but when someone told me their hair hurt or they felt like a truck ran over them in flu season I knew it was flu). After 3-5 days the fever and body aches subside, but there’s often a nonproductive cough that lingers for a week or two.
Covid can have a sudden onset but usually is a little more gradual. May have fever but may not, or just a low grade fever. Loss of sense of smell or taste (or distorted sense of smell) does not happen in every case but makes it highly likely to be Covid if present. Marked shortness of breath often appears around day 7. Cough can become quite productive in some people. Diarrhea or other GI complaints may be present, or may not. The range of strange symptoms and range of severity is quite broad. I test my sense of smell every day because loss of smell can precede symptoms and some people don’t notice they’ve lost it.
I’m negative. I should be happy, but it’s still just ruined everything. I kind of hope I had it to get it out of the way, since I’m cut off from everyone anyways.
I definitely don’t have the flu. If anything, I have allergies. Which I don’t get , which I happened to have gotten at the same time I was close contact exposure with someone who was positive. Just the way things seem to go.
And Don, you and I disagree on this subject very much. Our hospital is filling up, people my age, are still struggling the breathe, and the long term complications for the ones who survive are still unknown.hospitals are losing up again. We are filling up And we are seeing many who are having long term complications. My coworker lost 30lbs ( and she didn’t have 30 lbs to lose) and keeps dropping. No other medical reason why. Many cognitive issues are also being associated. It is not a normal virus, and really, it’s something to be scared of. I’m seeing it with my own 2 eyes. I can’t deny the evidence in front of me every day at work. Literally, I’m seeing the havoc it wreaks with my very eyes. Lucky, the recovery is better with remdesivir ( if your renal function is good enough for it) but people are still getting hit very very hard . I still don’t understand the how people could deny the severity short and long term of this virus when it’s evident
- I do not deny covid is real - I do not deny that 200K have died - I do not deny that many hospitals are seeing more people now than at any time since this started
In addition - far fewer people are dying than when this started - likely due to better treatment - those 70+ are greatest at risk and represent the great majority of deaths. - those under 25 rarely have serious complications. - the average person under 50 does very well. You can throw any anecdotal outliers you’d like but they remain outliers.
What I do deny or argue against
- masks, social distancing, lockdowns are doing little if anything to stop the spread - we can’t change nature. Much of getting covid is the luck of the draw. - beyond a vaccine, we are not going to stop this. It has been near 10 months. Its going to circulate regardless of what we try to do short of a vaccine. It’s denying reality to state otherwise.
People eat like crap, never exercise and smoke like a chimney yet never get heart disease or cancer while others eat like rabbits, exercise daily, are right at target weight and yet still die young. There are no guarantees in life. Yet we don't blame or ridicule them like we may a child who is blamed for bringing covid home.
At some point, and I think 10 months is more than enough, we have to admit we have very limited control over covid. Likely little or no more than we have over cancer, diabetes, asthma, flu, high blood pressure, A-fib, trauma, mental illness, addiction, or dozens of other illness and causes of death we’ve been trying to combat for generations. Yet we somehow want to treat this different and kid ourselves into believing if only we all wore masks, or stopped contact with others or basically stopped living - for a year or more!!! we’d stop covid. We have very little control over this very real disease - just like all of the others. That’s what I’m saying and with every passing day we confirm this a little bit more. I’m convinced years from now we will look back and ridicule how we thought we could eradicate a virus with a piece of cloth. Stopping 25,000 person events is one thing. Stopping 15 people from celebrating thanksgiving is another.
It’s beyond sad that people have to be afraid of admitting they have covid for fear of being blamed. It is even more sad that some are more afraid of a covid diagnosis than a cancer diagnosis and go through unnecessary trauma worrying. Look at how maybe possibly being positive is effecting your life and that of your daughter - and you don’t even have it. This is what we’ve allowed to happen or even helped cause to happen in the craziest year of my life - 2020. But then again sone think if we just banned guns no one would get shot, or just banned straws whales 1,000 miles away from said straws would not die, or we can control the temperature of the planet, wild fires and hurricanes - so perhaps none of the latest craziness should surprise me.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I live in Australia. Melbourne, the state capital of Victoria, was in a policed lockdown for 112 days following a second wave of COVID cases over winter. The city had over 700 new cases per day in July. It was the epicentre of Australia's second wave, accounting for more than 90% of its 905 deaths.
The DHHS modelled the outcome of various bipartisan policies in order to determine the best course of action. The possibility of achieving the lockdown model targets was savagely challenged. The targets were described as "a guess", "unachievable" and "impossible". The team was described as "inexperienced", "cherry-picked" and "opinionated non-experts".
The state enforced home confinement, travel restrictions, mandatory masks, curfew, and the closure of stores and restaurants. People were allowed out for an hour a day for exercise only within 5km of their homes. But lo and behold, the fall in case numbers matched the modelled numbers. By the 1st of November, they had their first day of zero new cases.
The state premier copped a LOT of heat from naysayers. But the fact is that it looks like Victoria has defeated the second wave. Victorians are now looking forward to a COVID-safe Christmas. As of today, there is only a single active COVID case in the state. There have been no new cases for 23 days running.
Yes! In fact, almost EVERY other first world country has done better than the US with this virus.
We are only months away from access to a vaccine people, hold the course.
G - I’m happy your test was negative. But don’t hesitate to get a second test if your symptoms continue/worsen. You’ll be able to get a vaccine soon I hope given your work setting. I won’t try to get mine early because my work setting is pretty low risk - low volume, not seeing sick patients, prescreened (we won’t see them until two weeks after air travel), mostly telemedicine now again as it ramps up. I’d rather my vaccine was available for hospital and nursing home workers.
I am so glad to come here this morning and read that you are negative. I do agree w/kml about getting a second test if the symptoms continue/worsen. The tests are good, but I have read where some tests can actually give false readings.
I'm sorry that whatever you have has ruined your holiday plans. Please, please take care of yourself and get plenty of rest.
Sending you positive vibes and many much needed hugs today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It’s a debate I’m so sick of getting into, but our country has not done a very good job in containing it in the first place, and unfortunately the economical downfall going forward will be worse . And I’m sorry, but if wearing a mask on the off chance you can save someone else is not something you are willing to do? That’s just sad.
After my hold time of over an hour for the employee exposure hotline, I got some good info. I am currently out on workers comp. the downfall? I lose my thanksgiving holiday and the two hours of holiday pay I would have had on thanksgiving. My test from Friday they don’t consider accurate because it was too early, so I went today. I cannot go back to work until Monday, as long as I’m symptom free, whether or not I’m positive or negative . Apparently many employees are getting sick and due to other people coming to work thinking they just had allergies when they actually had COVID. I actually felt guilty for reporting my vague symptoms and being put out of work for so long, but the guilt associated with not reporting and infecting someone is far greater.
My dad has still not come to a decision on whether or not we can attend thanksgiving . My ex made a phone call to invite me to thanksgiving if we can’t go to dads . I thanked him for the offer and I haven’t turned him done yet. But that is my boundary. I cannot spend thanksgiving with them, and it’s his wife’s birthday, therefore it would be celebrating her birthday as well. His sister who likes to say things about my daughter to imply poor parenting will be there too. I would just rather spend the holiday all by myself with a box of stovetop stuffing and a bottle of wine. I have to keep this boundary because keeping it allows me to be able to be as friendly and forgiving as I am now. I will become resentful and upset if I spend the holiday with them, I know it.
So this is where I stand right now. Certainly not where I want to be at all, but it’s where I am.
Can you order a takeout Thanksgiving dinner from some local restaurant? I don't blame you for not wanting to go to your ex's - that's TOO MUCH! In fact I really applaud you for being such a saint all these years, I know it's what has been best for your daughter but I'm not sure I could have done what you've done.
I'm glad they're retesting you. Many people don't understand that the test can be negative if taken too early. I'm waiting on my son's roommate's test results today. The roommate has been totally in denial about the likelihood that he has covid, even though he was exposed 9 days ago to someone whose brother was diagnosed last week after they met. First he thought he couldn't have it because he just had sinus symptoms, then thought because he was vomiting it couldn't be Covid because "Covid doesn't cause GI symptoms"! I sure wish people would read more medical facts about this virus. We have known about GI effects since the first reports out of China.
Do you have HBO? If so, check out the new series The Undoing with Nicole Kidman and Hugh Grant - great mystery.
I would just rather spend the holiday all by myself with a box of stovetop stuffing and a bottle of wine. I have to keep this boundary because keeping it allows me to be able to be as friendly and forgiving as I am now. I will become resentful and upset if I spend the holiday with them, I know it.
So this is where I stand right now. Certainly not where I want to be at all, but it’s where I am.
Thanks for the positive vibes. I really need them
Stovetop stuffing is my go-to. I cook up sausage meat and mix that in. One of the things my ex-wife did that I kept because it is delish.
Careful of the ex-H - from the outside it does look like he's trying to draw you more and more into his orbit. You're pretty vulnerable these days.
((Ginger))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
My dad said no to thanksgiving. I am heartbroken inside. I was reading your thread and I know people find it selfish to miss one thanksgiving with their family and we shouldn’t risk anyone’s health. But for me, it is kind of a big deal because for my daughters whole life, I only got half of the thanksgivings. And I have to give her up for me not to have one. I don’t get to spend it at home with my immediately family. It’s just me. I was looking forward to having Kane family around and enjoying the day. I’m already in an awful depressive hole and I feel like this just put me at the bottom. It feels so cruel. And to know I am here alone and they get to be one big happy family gathering on thanksgiving twists the knife even more. I of course don’t want to put anyone at risk. But I wish I would have gotten it and gotten it over with since it’s pretty much messed everything up .
In 14 years of being alone alone, I don’t think I have ever felt it as much as I do now. I know it’s been a lonely year for everyone, but when you have had so many lonely years before, this one just kind of highlights how alone you really are.
Needless to say, I’m not going to my ex’s he understood. And no matter how low I get, I will never be vulnerable enough for him to make any sort of move on me ever. It’s not his desire anyways. It’s just that having his ex wife in his good graces is the icing on the cake of his life. He gets to have it all. No resistance from anywhere. He’s happy enough with that.
My dad said no to thanksgiving. I am heartbroken inside. I was reading your thread and I know people find it selfish to miss one thanksgiving with their family and we shouldn’t risk anyone’s health. But for me, it is kind of a big deal because for my daughters whole life, I only got half of the thanksgivings. And I have to give her up for me not to have one. I don’t get to spend it at home with my immediately family. It’s just me. I was looking forward to having Kane family around and enjoying the day. I’m already in an awful depressive hole and I feel like this just put me at the bottom. It feels so cruel. And to know I am here alone and they get to be one big happy family gathering on thanksgiving twists the knife even more. I of course don’t want to put anyone at risk.
Sorry to hear, Ginger. I can understand why this is depressing. Why not plan a family dinner later and get everyone together at a later date just as you would have over Thanksgiving? That's what really matters and not whether you get to celebrate it on the specific date?
As hard as it may be, look at all the positives in your life. Sometimes it is just perspective. There is a story that intends to encourage people to look at problems in the right perspective.
Man rants to pregnant wife for 10 minutes about how depressed he is because he hates his job, the stock market crashed and 401k is down, their car broke down and they have to increase their credit card debt for repairs etc etc
Pregnant wife: I need to tell you something. I had an affair and I am sorry to tell you the baby is not yours.
Man: Wow, just when I thought things could not get any worse! You drop a bomb like this and that ruins my life and makes all those other problems seem insignificant
Wife: I was lying about the affair but don't all those problems seem insignificant now?
I know things are hard now and it is difficult to deal with these emotions. But hang in there, things will get better. ((Hugs))
I’m making it through there day. The long nap really helped. It’s lonely, tears come and go. I FaceTimed with my daughter. I wished ex’s wife a happy birthday. I made myself lamb chops for dinner. Redoing thanksgiving is not an option. I am already doing Christmas on an alternative date. And I am having surgery next Thursday. So I’ll have to call this one a wash.
My phone decided to be cruel today and it pulls a picture out of camera roll everyday as a memory. It was one of me and M. Then I was looking through IF envying everyone’s thanksgiving and there was M’s son eating a turkey leg. His brother and I are still IG friends. He looks so much older now! I really did love that kid. I loved having “family”. Sad it needed up the way it did. I’ll never forget him though. He was such a sweet boy. M’s mom was such a mom. Not something I’ve really ever known. She loved me, I loved her. I can’t do anything about it. I enjoyed a year of it and I’ll keep my memories.
My dad wanted me to FaceTime everyone at his house. I declined . Watching others celebrate while I’m here alone wasn’t going to be good for me. I’m sure they are not happy about it, but it’s what I need for me.
Hopefully I’ll fall asleep by 8 and tomorrow is another day.
Happy thanksgiving all
Last edited by job; 11/27/2012:31 AM. Reason: Removed daughter's name
(((Ginger))). You will get through this. Tomorrow is always another day. I know what you mean about old pictures resurfacing and bringing up memories. Facebook does it all the time and it’s always photos I took when XH and I were together. I try to focus on the good feelings I had when I was there and not on the reality that our family is no longer together. Nice that you still have a connection to M’s brother so you can see pictures of his son now and then and know that he is okay. (((HUGS)))
Hey my friend. I am going to call you soon, but, wanted to reach out tonight while I have a few minutes to write.
Holidays are hard, aren't they? Even in the best of times, they bring a whole host of emotions with them. For me, the loss of my parents is still hard. I also have all those memories of the horrible holidays of my childhood. They stay with you. Throw in the craziness of 2020 and it could really mess with your head.
I know you are struggling a great deal. I also know the holidays are particularly difficult for you and that you are feeling alone. I will not list all the positive things you have in your life. I know you know them.
That would somehow negate in some ways the feelings you are having. The truth of it is, you wish you had someone. Someone to share your life with. I know you feel it is a need, but, truthfully, it is what you want. And I get it. I truly do.
I think they we can get so mired down in our wants that we go into a kind of spiral. Nothing looks or feels right. Throw in some medical issues, covid, work, finances and teenage angst and it's no wonder you are depressed.
Here's the thing. At least for now, and during these times, you cant meet anyone. That's the reality of it.
So, what do you do? One of the things is the realization that you wont always feel this way...the way you do at this moment. Because life changes, things change, people change, situations change. Thats just life. The knowledge of that can help to move you forward. Your life wont always look like this.
I know several people who were 100% sure they would never, ever meet anyone for the rest of their lives..they werent with anyone for years. 2 were in their late 50s, one in her early 60s. And then they did.
I know a few people whose health were in a downward spiral, and were sure they would never be healthy...who are now.
I know one person who was in a dead end job for years and years, who was sure he would never own a home or find a job in his field...who now has both.
And little G will not always be a teenager who pushes your buttons.
Nothing ever stays the same...life is always in motion.
The trick to survive is to accept what is for now with the knowledge that it wont always be this way. With the understanding that you are strong and wonderful and you will survive it all.
And that one day, your life will be as it is meant to be.
So you can feel sorry for yourself for a little while. You can take some time to be angry and sad.
But then, it is time to regroup. Time to dig in. Time to remember what you have been through and survived and what you are made of.
Get to gettin....or I will take a trip to see you and help you.....just sayin
Ok, I do not like you talking like that. At all...in any way.
First of all, why do you have to have someone stay for the night? I understand someone having to take you home, but, I dont understand why the night. I had major surgery and didnt need to have someone.
Second of all, do you want me to see if I can take off from work and come and take you home and stay? I mean it. I will. Just let me know.
G, you are not better off dead. I know your life seems to su@K right now but it will not always. I promise you that.
Things could change in a second.
Now tell me what you need, and I will do everything I can to help you.
I am sorry. I promised myself I would not think that way.and I’m sorry to have worried you. I felt like an inconvenience and it made me feel just so sad. But I have lots of good stuff to still do on this earth. So I’m Not going anywhere anytime soon. Plus, my kiddo, she going to accomplish many things and I know she wants me there for that . She’s really the one who’s going to do amazing things and I need her.
I have decided when I see the doctor though to up my AD’s because I cry too much and feel hopeless sometimes. Like last night . And the wine . I tried getting back in therapy, because what I have been feeling I’ve generally been holding in. I’m very functional and happy go lucky to everyone around me. I share my feelings rarely. I think holding it in was enough already . And man do you have a lot of time to think when you are quarantined alone for days. Problem is with getting back into IC, is everyone is so depressed these days , they all have looooong wait lists .
I’m excited to be going back to work today actually. I couldn’t stare at another wall or watch another boring TV show. I have quite an appreciation for my job right now. We will see if I say that still after my first day back where we are short handed. But I can’t wait to see my coworkers and have conversations with humans! Even my funny old People who I have to scream at for them to hear me.
Things are going to be fine. And I can’t wait to be able to walk again, which I have not been able to do. The pain has been so bad, I walk 50 ft and I am in awful pain and limping. Fixing this, and being able to get out for walks is going to definitely help the PMA
I had a cry last night like no other. I mean like one of those body shaking cries where you beg for god to help you. I was happy all day and when everyone left my house, for some reason I lost it and I couldn’t control my feelings. And it was seeing everyone leave. I didn’t want them to go anywhere
I think it’s out of my system. I feel better. Sorry again for what I posted. I should never say that. I’m lucky to be alive and mostly healthy and I would never be better off dead. The truth is, I don’t think I would be. But I feel others might. But I know that isn’t true either
I was finally able to get on the Board and I have removed the posting that you requested be removed last evening. I do hope that you are feeling a bit better today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It's ok, my friend. Just hate to see you feeling that way. Not going to say I never did because that wouldn't be true.
You know, when you are people pleasers like we are, we HATE to ask for help. What happens is we sometimes have expectations that others will offer because that is what we would do. But d@mn if those expectations we know better about don't cause us to feel badly sometimes.
There are two options - we either ask for help or we accept that everyone is different and might not have the same heart we do. I know people have their own reasons for not stepping up that I cant control so I have to accept it.
I know you have people who care about you. We dont need many, one or two is all we really need in this life . I have been disappointed many times by people who told me all I have to do is ask and then tell me they cant.
We do what we have to do for ourselves, but, that doesnt take away the hurt and disappointment, ya know?
So you got the surgery sorted out, I knew you would. Try not to feel too badly for too long because it doesnt serve you or change things.
And yes, your girl is going to do amazing things and she needs her mama there for it all.
Love you, my friend. Always here if you need me... I mean it. <3
Everything that uRworthy has posted is 100% spot on. We are all here for you and even though many of us live far away, we are in your corner and will do whatever we can to be a shoulder to lean on. Do not hesitate to ask your friends and/or you co-workers to help you out. You are always there for others and now it's their turn to be there for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job so much for removing. I wouldn't want my child stumbling on it.
I am very fortunate to have people in my corner. and all it does take is one or two solid people. Im blessed to have met some of those people here.
I finally hit rock bottom. ANd I had a epiphany. I don't regret saying what I did except for the fact I have scared others. The reason I don't regret it is because how I was truly feeling. ANd I have been trying to talk myself out of how I was feeling and doing what I could to avoid those feelings. Because IRL, no one knows about them and a few people I did try to talk to about it basically have the same response. "everyone is struggling this year" " we all have our challenges this year" or like my dad, he gets upset when I try to tell him I am depressed and just says "yeah, you are miserable, I get it"
The truth is, what I was feeling was very valid and true. And this may sound awful, but I don't care that everyone is struggling this year. That doesn't make MY struggle any better, I have been dying inside. I have been in unbearable pain. I dont care what the year is, I know that I didn't want to be made to feel like my pain wasn't valid or I should just write it off to it being a rough year for everyone. I am having MY experience. But i kept thinking something is wrong with me, like I should talk myself out of my feelings and maybe they aren't a big deal.
But they were a huge deal. I haven't felt this awful in I couldn't tell you how long. ANd it was/is scary. I have never ever felt so so alone in my life. Actually, I feel abandoned. Not anyone elses fault. But I remember the last time i felt abandoned and scared is when my dad left and my mom went crazy. ANd that was when my survival skills kicked in. Where I felt I had no one. I didn't want to ask for help because I felt like everyone had failed me who was supposed to help me in my life. Then eventually my husband did the same. And I have always played everything off as I got it handled, I can do it on my own. ANd I do, but you know what? It scares the bejsus out of me to keep doing everything on my own. ANd I got back to that place.
But being able to say I am in massive amounts of pain has kind of freed me from it. To stop telling myself "I can handle this" when I honestly don't feel like I can. I just need to be honest with myself. ANd now that I am, I feel lighter.
I took a lot of punches this year. Everyone has, I know. But I have been taking a beating every single year pretty much. There was a few good ones where things felt like they were turning around, but I would get crushed again. ANd truth is, I trust nothing anymore.
All of that being said. I do feel better. I do need to make changes to deal with my feelings. Because I wasn't dealing with them in a healthy way. I'm ready to feel good again. I am going to do what it takes. Get healthy. physically and emotionally. Do what I need for me. Put me first for once. Try to accept help and ask for it when I need it without fear of judgement, rejection, or someone seeing me as an inconvenience. ANd I realize a sign of strength is asking for help when you need it.
I also realized why I gained weight and couldn't lose weight is because I kind of lost all willpower. ANd i basically just didn't care anymore. I care again. I am 40, which people keep calling young? It really isn't too late for me. I can feel good about myself again and achieve some goals.
COVID is rough for a single person with no family. But i have to learn to adapt. I'm sure I will figure it out and be happy at the same time.
Thanks for all the support as always. For 13 years this has been my safe place and I am thankful for that. I think this is the one last place i need to leave behind. I feel like it ties me to the past too much. Most people leave here when they move on with someone else. They build this new life and leave this place behind. It's a reminder. No one wants that and they want to leave it in the past. It might be time for me to leave it in the past too. most of you know where to find me on the other side
I can't remember the exact wording, but this meme keeps coming up on my FB feed, and it's about trauma survivors declining help and how that's part of the trauma. You survived a lot of loss and trauma by being the "tough" one and you've recognized now that you need to ask for and RECEIVE help.
I wonder if an ACOA group might be helpful to you - not that alcohol was the primary issue with your parents, but the issues YOU have from being raised by them are similar to the issues of adult children of alcoholics. You might find some useful fellowship there. People who understand your pain in a deep way.
It’s been a good break and I realize I probably need more of a break. However, I did have a huge epiphany today I wanted to share. And it was actually thanks to a post on another site. I love that site. I only joined because I could find out what my exercise class was before they happened. Anyways....
A woman posted about how she was going to break up with her boyfriend, because once again she wasn’t being seen. She’s a 43 and says she realized that her boyfriend only loves that she listens to him. That her last few relationships they just like how they feel with her. Love, supported and listened to them. But they really had no clue about who she is, what makes her tick, and none have really cared about who SHE is.
And holy relatable! That has been almost all of my relationships! Men love how I care about them, listen, and put them first. Especially M. I was his sounding bird, I made him feel heard. But what was lacking was him not seeing me. He never listened to me, invalidated me, and I wasn’t important. And any other guy I have dated have just cared about what I do for them and not who I actually am.
And while I shouldn’t be with people like that, the right man will see ME, I do allow that behavior. I make myself insignificant in a relationship. I have got to stop that. And I’m excited to. And I am going to get more time to get to know myself out side of a relationship. And not be afraid to show my weaknesses, my quirks, and my needs in a relationship.
No one has ever put me first, or pointed out what they love or what makes me important or exciting, or beautiful. I grew up in the background always. I’m done with that. I like to think I am genuine, but I’m not. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not, I just fade into the background and don’t put it out there and I focus on the needs of everyone else and what parts of me they would like to see, which is the listener and the woman who just makes you feel good. That is not enough and now I know why I’ve had a few say there is “something missing” there is something HUGE missing. And that’s me. All of me.
Still not ready to date, but I’m excited to work on how to change the tide. To have more confidence to make myself someone important. To show my not so great quirks along with my great ones. To not only define myself by being someone’s emotional support pet. My ability to listen and empathize is something I love about me, but there are so many other parts. And I have to see them so others can see them too.
Anyways. Had to get that out. I finally feel psyched about something .
I had my foot surgery and I’m still in pain, but I’m getting around and doing ok . Work is work, I’m glad to see people again. I absolutely adore my coworkers and the hospital I work at. I should be getting my COVID vaccine within a few weeks and I’m stoked about that. They already began vaccinating last week and there have been no bad reactions. The bad stuff has been some really really sad deaths due to COVID.
I’m still struggling for sure. But I was feeling zero hope. Due to covid, due to pain, due to not being able to figure out why I am so unlucky in love . This realization has given me some hope and light at the end of the tunnel. Or at least strength and a confidence I’ve never had from never being seen by pretty much anyone in my life. Very important to truly see myself. I have known my worth, but I didn’t trust it and I have held it back and felt the only part anyone could ever want is how I give to them. But that not true.
Anyways. Off tomorrow and getting a massage and lunch with my cousin. A little treat. Why not ?
Last edited by job; 12/21/2003:59 PM. Reason: Removed reference name to another site that is not related to DB
.... and KML, I think Alanon would be good for me. My mother was an addict. Not alcohol, but drugs . And it shaped my life and who I am today sadly enough. And all I said above probably has a lot to do with that.
And while I shouldn’t be with people like that, the right man will see ME, I do allow that behavior. I make myself insignificant in a relationship. I have got to stop that. And I’m excited to. And I am going to get more time to get to know myself out side of a relationship. And not be afraid to show my weaknesses, my quirks, and my needs in a relationship.
Girl! You GOT it!!! Omg this is what we’ve been trying to tell you. Make THEM prove themselves to YOU. Don’t be so easy and accommodating. Don’t give out more than you’re getting back, especially early on! And yes, it’s all about your FOO issues, or mostly.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I'm glad your surgery is behind you and the healing process has begun. I agree w/Andrew 100%...every day is a good day to sparkle.
Enjoy your spa day and do not rush the healing process. Take it one day at a time and give your body all the time it needs to heal.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Funny story about my spa day. My masseuse Left in the middle of my massage 3 times to help other customers for like a total of 20 min. I couldn’t even pay someone to give me undivided attention. Lol. I left a bad Yelp review.inch was good though.
Tomorrow is the first Christmas Eve I will spend alone and wake up alone on Christmas Day since 2016. And I remember being a bit of a wreck. 2017, I had D Christmas Eve, 2018, I spent it with M and his family, first time meeting them. I remember how unbelievable happy I felt. Last year I had d. And this year, just me. Working Christmas even and Christmas helps a little. But there is something about going to bed alone on Christmas Eve and waking up alone Christmas morning that just kills. Especially when you have a kid and you can’t be with them. There is not distraction. And I can’t even get properly drunk because I have work the next day. I’m trying f to fight off the deep deep feelings of loneliness and depression. At least I’m not one of my patients in the hospital with COVID, right ?
I will get through this. I will my daughter and family later Christmas night . Everything will be ok
((Ginger1)) - you are right. You'll get through it. But yeah - it does hurt.
Big hugs - you're not alone even though there's no one there with you other than the mutt.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thanks for checking in on me, Andrew. Merry Christmas.
Everything went just fine. I got through Christmas Eve, fell asleep early, went to work, D13 came home and my dad and his wife came. We opened gifts. D13 was very happy. Me too. I got some great gifts. Especially my knife set . They stated and my stepmothers sister and daughter came over yesterday and I hosted and made a delicious prime rib. D13 went back to her dads last night.
I’m happy to be alone and some wind down time today and just watch TV. I appreciate it when hosting for 2 days straight.
Hi G. Haven’t been on here much this past month but was concerned about how you have been doing. Really happy to hear about your epiphany and your new focus. As others have said...you won’t always feel this way. Interesting that accepting your feelings as being valid and real and OK has led to them having less of an effect on you. When we stop fighting our feelings and we allow ourselves to just feel them, it is often our path to getting through them to move on to something better.
I remember vividly a turning point in dealing with my sitch. I was in my car driving to work. I hadn’t missed a day and was ready to just plaster a smile on my face and get through it again. A song came on the radio and for some reason, it just hit me... the weight of everything that had gone on. The unfairness of it. Feeling like my H had stopped seeing me years ago. Trying to turn myself into someone he would see again and just being really, really tired of putting him and everyone else first. I just dissolved into tears and knew that there was no way I could keep driving to work. So I turned around and headed home. I called in sick and spent the whole day just allowing myself to feel all of those feelings I had been holding inside. I had always prided myself in being a strong person so it felt a bit indulgent but, at the same time, necessary. XH even commented on my strength when I found out about his double life. He walked into our bedroom for our first “talk” and I heard him say, “you are always so strong”. To this day, I’m not sure why he said it but it stuck with me. I think maybe it was my strength that made him feel weak and he just needed to feel strong again. Certainly his current situation lends itself to that theory as he is definitely the “hero” in OW’s world and he seems to be thriving in that role. Anyway...that’s not really relevant to your situation except to say that when I allowed myself to not be the strong one and to feel those feelings, it really was the start of my “recovery” for what is still the most painful and life-altering experience I have ever been through. A weight was lifted from me that day and it sounds as if a weight has been lifted from you as well.
I sincerely hope that 2021 is really, really good to you and your depression becomes just another thing you have triumphed over. Andrew is right. Every day is a good day to sparkle. (((HUGS)))
Hey, vu! I definitely have come to an acceptance of my feelings. Everything is what it is now, it all kind of [censored] and there is nothing I can do about it. So I just don’t sit it anymore and I just go about my days. Maybe one day things will get better. For now, it is what it is. May I still be sad and lonely, it’s not weighing me down anymore and that’s a good thing I think. Better than it was, anyways, lol.
Today, I got my First dose of my Pfizer covid vaccine. Today 3 young patients who have really been fighting, died COVID. A 41 year old, a 55 year old, and 38 year old. The 38 year old had no comorbidities. He could have soared to lose 20 lbs like me, but I don’t think that should be a death sentence for him. It’s truly devastating. And then we found out Matt the sand which guy in the cafeteria died. He always had the biggest smile, always would talk to you and ask how your day was going and joke around with you. He took a lot of pride in the sandwiches he made too. Rumor has it it was COVID, but I don’t think so because he was last seen making sandwiches early last week. My heart is just broken. It was been a rough day today. Our ER is also getting absolutely slammed. Nothing is going away soon, and it is disheartening . I don’t see a light at the end of this tunnel because I think there are just too many who refuse the vaccine and refuse to mask. I’m praying doing my part with help something .
We got introduced to a new physical therapist today. Who happened to be my friend high school and we had crushes on eachother for like 3 years, but never did anything about it. He’s now married to a gorgeous woman . Sigh. I let the good ones get away.
Anyways. I atleast have dinner plans with a friend on New Years. I’m happy to have anything going on, but will be ringing in the new year alone. Which I’m thankful for, because midnight at a party with other couples is really awkward.
Congratulations on getting the vaccine! I’m waiting, since I’m in an office-based specialty practice, I come at the end of phase 1a, can’t even get information yet on when or where that might be. At this rate I’m guessing a month or so. Other people at much greater risk than me will get it first. I’ve got four patients ill with Covid right now. Trying to keep them all out of the hospital.
Happy new year! New year new me! Hahahaha. J/k. Just another year. Had dinner with a friends New Year’s Eve then passed out on my couch alone before midnight and had some texts. ExH always texts me at midnight, happy new year. Had dinner with my cousins the next night at a nice steak house. I got stimulated, so I had a few extra bucks, lol. Today D13 and I are doing bowling and dinner.
I got kind of triggered over something today. 13 years later. ExH wanted to share a video from FB of D13 when she was 4. I am not nor have I ever been friends with him on FB. I recently set up an account for D13 on my FB for her new gaming system ( you need one) . So I friended him from her account. Which gave me full access to his FB account. I scrolled a little. And I wish I hadn’t something that may never ever be completely tolerable to me and seeing them as a family and her acting like D13 is her kid. It gets under my skin something awful. Taking pictures in matching clothes for photos. Her making shoutouts to what what a great father and husband and best friend he is and how lucky D13 and her are to have him. I felt a rage build up in me. They celebrate their 10 th anniversary on April fools. I’ll say, it’s one thing to have your husband cheat and leave, but then have to witness the affair and her being a family with your child for the rest of your life, is like a lifelong punishment in many ways. Sometimes I feel like I must be a super horrible person to have to witness this for the rest of my life. And I guess I also feel my anger building because I think there is a chance he is a better person and a better partner now. Even my dad who has wanted to murder him says it. It’s what’s best for D13 for sure. But again, huge pills I have swallow and not choke on.
That’s all. Time to get ready for bowling. We need to get out and have some fun.
And to make this even tougher..... I have witnessed all of this and witness all of this is solitude . It all seems oddly cruel. Maybe life is still teaching me some lesson. I dunno
If you hit the report button and tell me what you want edited, I will be happy to do so for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Girl, you’ve done an amazing job. I think of myself as pretty tough but I’m not sure I could have done what you did. And just remember - people who put all that stuff out there in FB are often compensating and presenting things as they WISH they were, not as they really are.
I'm sorry you had that happen, G. I can't say I know how you feel because I haven't been in that situation, but I do feel terribly for you. Often times, when you talk about your XH and his W, I find myself in her shoes, because I don't have children of my own. But, I have 5 lovely, beautiful, amazing daughters whom I am very proud of and couldn't love anymore even if I had given birth to them. Your posts often make me wonder if their mothers harbor resentment toward me for thinking of their daughters as my daughters too. I know your situation is different from mine in that she was your XH's affair partner. I was never the OW so maybe that is the difference. I so wish I could do something to make it better for you, but I don't know what that would be. Please try and remember what an amazing job you've done with your daughter, on your own. She's a beautiful, intelligent, lovely girl and that is ALL you! ((((((((((((((G)))))))))))))))))
I'm wishing you better luck and all good things in this new year.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thank you. Sometimes I feel like I am tough as nails, sometimes I think of myself as emotionally weak when it comes to them. I have managed as long as I have in the way that I have from kind of not thinking of the reality of how we got where we are. I used to think I had to give myself exposure therapy to become numb to things. My IC assured me that I do not, why torture myself? This is why I block every ex boyfriend. Don’t want to see a thing so that I don’t have to feel like pain. But I guess seeing this triggered the pain I manage to avoid .
Dawn, I imagine stepmother if is very difficult . I experienced somewhat of that twice. I do know that loving a kid that has a mom and dad already like a child of your own is rewarding and difficult. I felt and still feel the loss so hard of M’s son.
My pain and the difficult in this certainly is from her being the OW. For her robbing me of the chance to even get to be a family with my ex and my child. For knowingly dating a married man with a baby on the way. We can all say that if it wasn’t her, it would have been someone else. But the truth is , it was wrong. Horribly wrong. And even if he was a bad person of cheating, maybe I would have had some more time with family. Not struggling as a new mother completely on my own. Because I know my ex would have never left if someone else was in the picture. Not that would have been healthy. But we didn’t even get a chance. What they did affected my life greatly as a mother, as a person, in my career. They seriously rocked my world in a bad way.
Anyways. Luckily, I’m over the feelings I got when I saw what I did. They are fleeting these days and I’m able to feel and move on from it.
Most people get the chance to love again after something like this and be in a relationship and truly get the feeling they knew it all happened for a reason. I never got that. I actually have had to deal with my pain without another relationship. Not many have had to get deep in my pain before someone else came along and lessened it. It’s been all my work. For many many years. I have some added harder layers to my work, but I’m managing. I do hope the future holds good things for me. I’m just trying to make it through each day right now and try to find a little joy. Which I do.
They celebrate their 10 th anniversary on April fools. I’ll say, it’s one thing to have your husband cheat and leave, but then have to witness the affair and her being a family with your child for the rest of your life, is like a lifelong punishment in many ways. Sometimes I feel like I must be a super horrible person to have to witness this for the rest of my life. And I guess I also feel my anger building because I think there is a chance he is a better person and a better partner now. Even my dad who has wanted to murder him says it. It’s what’s best for D13 for sure. But again, huge pills I have swallow and not choke on.
G, I understand why you would take it personal, but fight that thought!!! Him being a better person in his new R is not an indication of something wrong with you, it just shows his journey may be moving into him growing (maybe). And even then, you know better to look at FB as a way to judge things, FB really only shows the "perfect" parts of a R and rarely shows the true reality. Dating can be a [censored] show at times for everyone and you just don't see that broadcasted on the outside. Trust me on that, never use FB to judge something. Life works in strange ways, and rarely is it fair. I can relate to so many of the struggles you face, some of your stories you posted early on I ended up having very similar ones in same ways. Even the April fools days being your ex's anniversary. I was married to my ex on April 2nd and her fiancé (they will be married this year) divorced his ex-wife on the same day. Watching them "look" like this great family on the outside for the last 6 years can be difficult, but really remember things aren't always as they appear. Look, I get this [censored] [censored] and I know how much you want a healthy relationship, you absolutely deserve it. You will have it, its not going to be in the timing you want, but its out there waiting for you. So keep focusing on you and meeting your own needs until someone else can step in and meet some of them also.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Sorry you have been feeling so down. It’s easy to feel that way when your in an environment and climate that makes it hard to do the things that bring you joy and confidence. Fingers crossed that things will start getting better in spring.
I agree with Fogg - fight that thought. Reframe it. I know it’s hard to see it but OW did you a favor. She took a pos out of your life. Your ex has not grown. He was flirting with you several months back and not too long ago you described situations where he was very disrespectful to current wife. I would rather be single and free then with someone treating me the way he does his current wife. Most women and men that are in long term relationships like that end up with cancer or hormonal issues in addition to depression. Weird but true. They become shells of themselves.
Thank her for getting him out of your life.
Look at how popular and warm and interesting you are. People have always been drawn to you because you have something unique and positive about you. You have wisdom and empathy and strength because of what you have been through but also more. Seriously Ginger. Being with him would have destroyed that.
He might have stepped up with daughter. But I’m sure it’s because it’s easier when the kids are grown up and require less direct supervision. Don’t give him that because he doesn’t deserve it.
Anyway - just get through these next couple of months. Your in the trenches right now but it will turn around.
Juju, I don’t think anyone has ever spoke so highly of me. Thank you. It actually made me cry a little.
I imagine all these years with him would have killed the best parts of me. You both are right, I’m happy to have preserved my gifts as a human, I would hate for someone else to take them away from me. I’ve luckily knocked those thoughts out of me. Just seeing it was rough, but I certainly know that social media doesn’t show it all. Usually only the good parts. What is shown is what that person wants the world to see.
My reality is I’m barely getting through most days. But I am getting through. My foot only got worse since surgery and it’s my Achilles now and I basically cried to my podiatrist yesterday ( I’ve been seeing him for 5 years and he is considered a colleague now too) and he legit felt bad. I have to imobilize my ankle for a month which means I can’t do much and I can’t use my brand new spin bike. It is what it is. This needs to heal. I can barely walk to my car. I want to be ready by spring because I want to hike and bike and do all the fun outdoor things you can do solo and during a pandemic. So I’m going to what I have to do.
My dad had this guy he employs for his coop ( my dad is the president) come and put a new ceiling and lights in my living room . A gift from my dad. We all know how those gifts go. He didn’t get a price until it was done, then he sent the cost to me in a text ( and he got overcharged but won’t hear it) I had asked him if it was a gift not to send the price. He did it anyways and I called him out on it. Pretty sure he is mad at me. I mean come in, who says “ I’m going to give you a gift, and this is how much it costs?!?”
Anyways, it is what it is. I predicted this was going to play out as it did.
I’m off today, finally. I was exhausted and getting cranky. Unfortunately I didn’t take my sleeping pill last night and didn’t sleep. Oh well.
Would it help your foot to heal if you had one of those little scooters that you place your knee on and keeps your foot up off the floor? I am so sorry to read that your foot is still giving you a painful fit.
You are a fighter, but your have a heart of gold and you give me the impression that you would do anything for anyone if they asked you for help. Don't be afraid to ask those same people for help. You are not in this world alone and it's time that others come to your aid.
Now about your father, what is wrong with him? He says the remodel is a gift and yet presents you w/the bill. Does he think that you should be kissing his feet because he did this? To me, he is way out in left field. I do not understand him at all. Why even do these things for you and then talk about how much they were? Is he trying to guilt you or make you beholding to him? I just don't understand why and how a father would exhibit this behavior to his child, much less, his only child. I wouldn't worry too much about him being angry. He's the one that needs to get over himself. If he didn't inquire as to how much it would cost, then that is on him....not you.
Hold your head up, back straight and always look in that mirror and know that you are a wonderful person who has and is continuing to work hard, provide a home for your daughter and yourself. You have done all of this on your own. Be proud of what you have accomplished and continue to accomplish.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I suggest you think of your father not as your father, but as a person to be - well, I was going to say manipulated, but what I think I really mean is MANAGED.
It benefits you for him to do this for you. It's definitely weird that he showed you the bill. But if you would like to benefit from his largesse in the future, simply respond "gee, thank you for the generous gift. " Don't get sucked into any more discussion than that. He may have been looking for credit for his generosity or he may have been hoping you'd pay for part but just ignore that and say thank you.
Same with other things. Keep your expectations at zero. Don't get sucked in to any changes of mind on his part. Treat him as you might a crazy aunt who you would like to keep receiving financial help from but have to MANAGE.
Or simply decline offers of help in the future but I know that financially his aid has been useful to you sometimes.
And just remember this is not normal dad behavior. Who knows what drives it - guilt, narcissism, wanting to keep you by keeping you beholden to him - who knows? But just accept that he's not who you wish him to be but on some level he is trying to be helpful and just manage that.
My dad. I just can’t figure him out. To be honest with you, this has been one of my biggest emotional struggles lately. I have always put my dad on a pedestal. He was the only one partially present for me . I basically saw him as the most wonderful dad in the world. Even though at 17 he left to be with his affair partner leaving me with a mother who was losing her mind, spiraling down, and getting back into drugs when I was a senior in high school. I left college ( the one he said he would pay for after a year, and lo and behold, I did) and lived on my own. My dad always told me he stayed for my sake as long as he did ( guilt trip) and whenever I mention something about my loneliness and struggles, he says “yeah, that’s how I lived my whole life married to your mom, I know” like he was completely sacrificial in staying for me and I owed him .
His giveth and taketh back I began to realize when I had D13. He was retired and I asked if he could come help once a week so I could get sleep after I worked a night shift . He agreed, but reluctantly. He didn’t want to do it anymore. Then ex left really leaving me in a child care bind because I then had to go back full time and I again asked for once a week, he agreed, then made me feel awfully guilty for it and I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to leave my job I loved, my safe place, to get more normal hours so I didn’t have to rely on him for anything. Just daycare. And that tumbled into me taking a bunch of jobs that weren’t a good fit because my hands were tied. And this has just been going on with monetary items he wants to offer, but wants to be bowed down to and hold over my head, or reneg on leaving me in a bind. He gets mad when I don’t accept. But I accept and he plays games with me.
Recently they made amends with his wife’s sister. Many years of no talking. Now they are rebuilding their relationship, but they talk behind their backs all the time. It bothers me.
My dad puts on this facade like he lives his life for me . And for that I am indebted.
But I am really truly struggling with not putting my dad on a pedestal anymore and seeing who he really is. It hurts a lot. I’ve been convinced all along he has selfishly given his life for me. But I don’t know about that .it’s hard to realize the one person in your life, the one family, the one adult, is like this. And I question myself all the time if I’m. It being appreciative. I realize once I kind of lost my dad when he lived out, I just replaced who was on the pedestal. I wish I would have put my self on a pedestal instead.
My close coworker has 3 kids and 2 grandkids. Nothing excited this woman more than when her grandkids come over for the weekend while the parents go and have fun. Her and her husband LOVE IT. She puts together a bunch of fun activities, and always does whatever she can for her grandkids and her kids with no expectations of worship or owing or guilt. I am overly appreciative of any nice gestures and help anyone gives me. Even my dad. But it’s getting hard. It’s really wearing me down. And losing him as a “rock” is scary. Because that was the last I had. But I just don’t trust him in that sense anymore. And I am going to take your advice KML and just thank him for the generous gift if I accept and i will only accept if it benefits my daughter . Even if he needs to show me then Bill
What a tough year it’s been. My life has been tough, but this must have been the loneliest rough year I have ever known. It’s taken a toll on me and I feel like I’ve aged 20 years. I really miss the old me .
Your dad is limited - and who knows where his pathology comes from, sometimes it's generational. Good for you for breaking the chain with your own daughter though - you deserve an award for that!
Just want to second what JuJu & Job said. You really are amazing. I've only recently been back here after taking a year off the boards to deal with my own D.
Anyone would be blessed to have you as a friend.
Dad's are tough. Mine left my mom years ago when I was 17 and proceeded to marry 4 more times before his 5th wife, who he has been with (?) 15 years or so?
I remembered a convo with my brother and he said "When are you going to stop being surprised by his behavior?"
I realized this was true of my XH and my dad and, really most people in my life. I had to accept who they were - and work on my boundaries.
My dad and I are very close now, but it's taken some very tough conversations (and I had a lot of therapy) to get here.
You don't need your dad to be your rock. You have proven that with help from friends and those around you - that you ARE the rock. Don't forget that now.
Of course I'm not going to lie - It would be great for you to have a 'rock' right now, but it's a desire not a necessity. (I'm in the same boat. No rock.) In the meantime, take whatever time you want to be sad, lonely, a mix - just don't stay there. And I know you won't. I've read your story. : )
Your posts have helped me tremendously.
big hugs ((((G))))
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Hi hope! Thanks for stopping by. My fad has not reached out which means he’s mad at me waiting for an apology. And like you said, hope, “am I really surprised by his behavior “ nope. Usually I cave, he starts guilting and yelling at me when I do, and I just am not in a place to handle it.
Things have been pretty difficult lately. My daughter has been smacked so badly with the teen years. I was warned, but I was NOT ready. She’s mean to me. Like all the time. Everything that comes out of her mouth is nasty, snarky,and just down right hurtful. I can’t stand it anymore. I actually sit in my driveway and don’t want to come in from work because I’m dreading it knowing how she’s going to be. How awful is that? She my kid! The one I absolutely loved spending time time with. Now she’s just mean. She left with her dad until Tuesday night and I am relived! How awful is that?!! When the person you love the most is disrespectful and mean to you, man, it hurts. Maybe she needs some time away. I tried sitting her down and asking if there was something bothering her, if she wanted to talk about something and she said everything is great. It’s a really tough thing to experience alone. I usually do everything for her, take where she wants, do what she wants, Cook what she wants, etc. I’m not doing it anymore. I’m done until she shapes up. It’s been really hard and lonely around this house.
Work is my refuge. I am appreciated there, I love my coworkers and I feel like I’m doing something good and right. Most of the time. I am really lucky to work where I am appreciated. It’s not often in healthcare that happens. It’s mentally taxing to watch people die of covid everyday after a long battle, and it’s usually a long battle. I’m happy when I can set people up with what they need to go home after being in the hospital for a month. But seriously, the only place I feel loved and appreciated is work. I guess I’m lucky to have that.
Tuesday I get my second dose of vaccine. I’m preparing for a miserable 12 hours from what I hear from all my coworkers. Fever chills, body aches, headaches. But it means it’s doing what it’s supposed to, so I’ll take it. I look forward to a little bit of normalcy and less fear. Back to work tomorrow, I work 2 hours from home Saturday and a full day Sunday I signed up for at my other job. Extra money I guess. I don’t need it badly, so I might do something nice for myself with the money I make from Sunday.
Oh, want to hear something pathetic? My dog usually sleeps at the bottom of the bed. The other nice he decided to snuggle against my back. Feeling his warm weight dam bear made me cry.
You give amazing advice here. What would you tell me to do about a dad that yells, blame shifts and guilts me into apologizing?
Or a kid who is being disrespectful, mean and nasty?
I know she's been though a lot - but it's still a good time for boundaries. They do come out of this, I promise! But in the meantime, Don't accept the abuse.
I think you would tell your friend to implement boundaries. Be your own friend. ((ginger))
ps. I KNOW it's hard!! My boys had dirtbag stages too and they came through. They now laugh at how obnoxious they were and brag about their mom who wouldn't take their cr*p. lol Hang in there!!
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
she's separating from the person she loves most in the world, because that's what she's supposed to do as a teenager. it's brutal, but know that it's proportional to how much she really does love you.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
she's separating from the person she loves most in the world, because that's what she's supposed to do as a teenager. it's brutal, but know that it's proportional to how much she really does love you.
This. Plus maybe PMS (I never experienced that but my then-daughter sure did!).
It's normal to push away from the same-sex parent in their teens. Plus you are the "safe" parent to vent on.
It's interesting though that you followed your initial statement by saying how you do everything for her. Is that really what you should be doing? Perhaps it's time to help her grow up a bit by expecting more responsibility from her. Not in a punitive way but in a "here's our monthly budget, here's our food budget, here's how to cook X, once a week it's going to be your turn to cook" kind of way. If she doesn't do laundry she's more than old enough to learn. Weekly housecleaning should be a chore she participates in - she can learn to mop the floors or clean toilets.
(Btw, in speaking with my middle son - the one who used to be my daughter - this weekend, the subject of his father came up, and he said he "thought dad shat gold until I was twenty". Same kid has a pretty good handle on things now and we are very close. )
Honestly, I don’t know how to handle my dad anymore . What’s the right thing to do? Do I teach out first? Do I want for him to come to me? I don’t even know. He’s the only family I have. He’s 71 and stubborn as F. And that may never ever change. But I really don’t want to be the one to reach to out. Because I do know what will happen when I do. I’m not in a good place to deal with that right now. Is it ok to protect myself for the time being? Or do I just give in for the sake of peace. That’s usually what I do. But i legit do not want to do that right now. And I feel like a crappy person for that.
As far as that kid. Oy vey. I do believe it’s normal to separate on a level from the parent the person she loves the most to establish an identity . It really truly is brutal. She’s just so mean about it. When I say I do everything for her, I mean take her to do what she wants, let friends come over, vice versa, order in what she wants, blow dry her hair straight when she asks ( 45 min process) that kind of stuff. I do not do her chores. She has been doing her own laundry since atleast 10. And that is unpaid and a part of picking up her rent to live here, lol. To earn money to get her nails done and her job is the dishes. She gets additional jobs to make more money if she chooses. She cleaned her room yesterday and swept and mopped the kitchen because she wanted more money. Getting her to do any of this is like torture, though. But I won’t do it for her. If I go grocery shopping she has to come outside and help me with the bags and put the groceries away. I can’t run this household without her pitching in . And I shouldn’t have to. She is just nasty and says mean snarky condescending things. Example, I was doing a wash and I asked her if she wanted to put her hoodies in them. She did. I put the laundry in at night and switched it over in the morning. She’s looking for said hoodie and says “ ugh, you left everything in the wash forever, are you going to wait forever to dry it?” Um, I did switch it, and I said “who the F do you think you are talking to?!?” Its comments like this constantly. It’s like living with my ex husband quite honestly. Maybe where she learns it from? Just something mean and uncalled for and disrespectful all the time. I explained the proper question was “mom, is my sweatshirt dry yet?”
I just really never hear a kind word at all anymore. I do take things away, but the one thing I don’t take away is time with her friends, because rarely gets it anymore and I think the more she doesn’t have it the worse she will be. However, she did ask to have her friends over next Monday and I said we will have to see.
She did text me at 11pm last night “ love you”
And I know she does. I’ve went through every stage of her life with no one to here to relate to, to discuss with, to support me, to back me up. I’ts really difficult to do alone your whole kids life. And it’s a way different dynamic than having 2 parents in a household. There are 2 adults at her dads house and only one here. And even though no one else would ever father my kid, at least when I had someone to just escape with or give me a little support, compassion, understanding, and love, it’s a little easier.
I was thinking about how my mother made it only to 47 on pain until she took her own life. I am 7 years off that age. It gives me the chills.
Ahhh. Anyways, thanks for the vent and advice. It’s me and the dog tonight, I’m going to cook some dinner and continue with my house projects. Tomorrow is another day
You are not your mom (or your dad, for that matter) thank goodness! So you can stop worrying about becoming either one of them. If you don't feel like contacting your dad right now, don't do it. Either he'll contact you or you will contact him when you're in a better headspace. He's not gonna change at this age so you just need to figure out how best to manage him. And what you're managing now is not giving him an opportunity to welch on his deal. So delaying communication may be a good strategy for now.
I do recommend you track your daughter's moods for a month - I wouldn't be surprised if you see a pattern.
Sounds like you're keeping good boundaries with her. I used to say my kids thought I was really stupid when they were teens until they were about 23, then all of a sudden mom was a genius again!
You might be right, that she's imitating things heard in her father's house. Or she may just be going through some moody teen drama. Don't take it personally.
BTW - is your dad on FB? If so, how about just posting a nice photo of the finished work and saying something publicly about how great your dad is for doing this for you. That way he can feel thanked and you don't have to open the door for a private discussion where he tries to get you to pay part of it.
Honestly - do you think your dad just overpromises - like he WANTS to be the generous dad but then finds himself in over his head? Or is he just stingy and starts to rethink it after the reality of what he's spending hits him? Just so you know, either way, this is not normal dad behavior. But it's what you have so just figure out how best to manage him.
Also - re: your daughter: I think this is just typical teen stuff, but just wonder if there's any possibility she's heard or surmised something at her father's house that is affecting her behavior towards you? For instance, I imagine if she had in any way confronted her father or his wife over the fact that their relationship started as an affair (am I right in remembering that she's figured that out?) then it's possible that one of them defended themselves by somehow putting the blame off on you. Might be worth just listening closely.
(My aforementioned son who said he used to think his father "shat gold" was relating to me how my ex, towards the end of our marriage, would complain to our son that I was "lazy" - which I absolutely was not, I was exhausted due to a medical condition. It took time and son having his own medical problems, which his father was not sympathetic about, for son to see the truth about my ex's behavior towards me.)
Sounds like you're keeping good boundaries with her. I used to say my kids thought I was really stupid when they were teens until they were about 23, then all of a sudden mom was a genius again!
I was going to chime in with this very thing.
As tough as it is - and I know that it is indeed tough - it's pretty much completely normal. I went through this with both of my kids. A "lot" easier to do when there are 2 parents to double-team the kid. Part of what makes it tough is that she was / is such a sweet kid.
I had this up close and personal from my son, especially after he moved home, it was just the 2 of us and there was the extra stress of his mom and I splitting. It was as if he was holding me to a higher standard and not realizing that Dad is "just zis guy, you know". In hindsight undoubtedly part of the problem for me and perhaps for you is that the kid has the perception of options. My son spent pretty much zero time with his Mom but I'm sure things were all sunshine and puppies when he did see her.
As always this is one of those things that the only answer is time. Time for little G to realize that Mom is just a woman doing the best she can in difficult times. That the world doesn't revolve around her and that real life as opposed to the Disney life with her Dad that isn't the norm.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
My sister is living the nightmare with two kids, both of them have that attitude of entitlement. I sure hope kml is right that maybe 23 might be the golden number. I have never seen kids act the way they do. Their father was killed 16 years ago and as a single mother, she's worked jobs she hated to give these kids what they need. She has put them before herself and has paid their college tuition so that they would not have loans. I do not know if it's the people that they are in communication with, but I do know that my nephew has issues concerning my sister selling the home that they lived in for 7 years. She and the kids moved out 6 years after their father died and it had been vacant and became a money pit for about 11 years. Now, the nephew keeps bringing up about her selling off all of his father's stuff. Unfortunately, he doesn't have a clue that his father's stuff in stored at my house and my mother's house. His attitude is just plain down right ugly. My sister has been a saint, but at the age of 23, 4 years of college and waiting to be called to work at the PO, if he were cussing after me, he would be shown the door and told "take a ride and when you have calmed down, then we can have a discussion."
The generations after us are getting more and more entitled. I saw it a lot in the work place.
I know it's frustrating and difficult not to say something, but try to remain calm. As for your father, I think I would leave him be for a while. You tend to be the one that always reach out first. This time, let him do it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I really appreciate all of the advice. As far as D13, trying to distinguish normal teen behavior and just blatant disrespect has been tough. I definitely know when it’s hormonal, she lets me know. I think I a lot is this entitled generation as job says. They expect maximal return for minimal effort and think they have the right to talk to their parents as if they owe them something . I try really hard to correct that because I hate it. I also try to be reasonable as I know this is a tough time that no one has ever navigated as a parent until now with this pandemic. And some days I’m so worn to the bone, I don’t have the fight in me. I do know her dad and his wife don’t badmouth me, so I’m not concerned about that. Actually, D13 says OW is always talking so nice about me. I guess I’m just going to have to hold firm to my boundaries and hope she learns.
As far as my dad, he did call today. He started in on me for not calling him with a guilt trip, but I managed to stop that one in its tracks before it got bad. We didn’t discuss anything about what happened and I’m fine with that. Thing s are back to normal without having it out, so I’m glad about that that. And KML, my dad thinks social media is the devil!
Second covid vaccine today, hopefully the effects won’t be so bad.
I saw today on our census that my ex’s uncle was admitted with COVID. Not on my floor, but the one below. It’s so weird because I can’t say anything to my ex because of privacy, obviously . I hope they haven’t seen eachother anytime recently. And I also hope he’s ok. Not the healthiest guy, he’s lived rough lifestyle. He’s a really sweet man though. Hopefully he’s ok. I think I’ll go swing by his room tomorrow and wave in the window. He’s always been so nice to me, I saw him a year ago at the grocery store and we chatted for some time. Funny story, and I never knew it until I began dating ex was that the mom of my best friend in 2nd to 6th grade dated him for years, while we were friends. I saw him all the time and never put it together it was him until I began dating ex.
Hey G. I remember when my sweet boy would get annoyed suddenly if I walked into a room. He didnt like the way I breathed. If I said blue, he said red..if i said up, he said down. It drove me crazy for awhile until I realized..all those hormones and all the changes in his life were big to him.
He was thinking about high school and dating and all the challenges of becoming a teenager. It had nothing at all to do with me. I was just the closest person to him so he felt safe to lash out.
I will tell you to pick your battles wisely. It isnt worth it to fight all the time. She wont even realize what you are saying. It will be awhile but one day your girl will be back.
To me, it wasnt necessary or even worth it to constantly correct him. In some ways, he couldnt help it. Other ways, he could. I focused on the really big stuff. The rest...I let slide.
He didnt even remember any of it or his behavior a couple of years later. He thought I was nuts!
I did my thing. Gave him space. Set my boundaries and let it run its course.
Time to dig in.,,its going to be a bumpy ride for awhile.
I guess I’m just going to have to hold firm to my boundaries and hope she learns.
They will fight you on the boundaries but in reality, they find it comforting that they are not allowed to just go out and do anything they want. They actually do appreciate on some level that we keep them from the worst excesses of their impulses.
Can't you ask the uncle if your ex knows and if it's ok with him for you to let ex know?
So my ex did tell me the next day. Little did I know they couldn’t find his uncles contact and he was confused so they did utilize me. It was my exFIL with the old old phone number . So my ex became a contact person and so did my ex’s aunt. He is having a really rough go, is still in high flow and will need rehab. I anticipate a long hospital stay.
Work is fine, I’ve been working a lot and I’m actually calling out of work tomorrow. I have lots of time and I am taking D and her friend to my dads for the weekend so I have no time to catch up on house stuff.
We got our annual performance review at work and my supervisor is fairly knew although we all knew her from working a different position. She gave me exceeds expectations and just praised me to death. That was nice. And it will give me top raise. Im pretty sure everyone got a glowing review, but I’ll take it.
I’m still in lots of pain in my right foot/ankle and will get getting another MRI Saturday. If I could have anything, it’s for this to be fixed so I can resume my activity and have a life.
I was reading on someone else’s thread and it got me thinking. My D will be 14 this year. I will not be trying to blend families or live with another man until she’s off to college. It’s another chapter to mourn in my life. She’s just too old for it to know and those years are too risky to try to Attempt such a big life change. If and when I ever do live with someone else, it will have been over 20 years since I have lived with another adult. I have no idea how you can go from 20 years of adulthood alone to cohabitating. M was my last chance at that. It makes me sad and scared .
I also read a lot on newcomers with these new divorcees about my age who want to enter the dating pool right out of the gate without dealing with their own stuff, and OMG, that’s what’s out there for me now. Men who can’t be alone and are still stuck on their ex wives. God help me.
My love life seems more and more hopeless day by day and that is difficult to deal with. Life has been pretty lonely. Come home, do house work, cook dinner, eat, and eat alone, go to bed. No one to talk about my day woth. No one to give me a shoulder rub, no one to have conversation with. And my friends are so distanced now with this pandemic. It’s literally no one out there.
My work friends/friends/ my expressly physical therapist said I’m invited to their wedding, her fiancé has a boat and she said I am definitely coming on it this summer, and we discussed some trips down the shore ( yes, Jersey talk) that should be fun. But I literally still feel like every day passes and I have nothing to look forward to.
But in good news, D13 has been better. I think she knew I was getting serious. Let’s see how long this lasts.
And my dog, well, I have him. Like I said, he really is my therapy dog . Even D13 said “ I wanted the dog so bad and you weren’t all for it and now he’s the best thing that ever happened to you” she’s right. I don’t even mind when he wakes me up at 2am, lol.
That’s it. I’m still in a lot of pain, still lonely, but atleast my daughter is nicer and my dad is too
I was reading on someone else’s thread and it got me thinking. My D will be 14 this year. I will not be trying to blend families or live with another man until she’s off to college. It’s another chapter to mourn in my life. She’s just too old for it to know and those years are too risky to try to Attempt such a big life change.
I admire that you are putting your daughter first, I think too many in our situation think of themselves first in this regard. My Mum was a single mum to 4, and she didn't really even date until I was 17 (the youngest). I am really glad for this. My Stepdad is a great guy, but my Dad chose my Stepmum over his kids and it has scarred the 4 of us in lasting ways.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I also read a lot on newcomers with these new divorcees about my age who want to enter the dating pool right out of the gate without dealing with their own stuff, and OMG, that’s what’s out there for me now. Men who can’t be alone and are still stuck on their ex wives. God help me.
I understand how scary and depressing that this would feel. Hopefully there are enough men on this forum who aren't doing just that though and are taking the time to deal with their own issues. If there are some on here, there are definitely some out there Ginger, please don't lose hope for that.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
My love life seems more and more hopeless day by day and that is difficult to deal with. Life has been pretty lonely. Come home, do house work, cook dinner, eat, and eat alone, go to bed. No one to talk about my day woth. No one to give me a shoulder rub, no one to have conversation with. And my friends are so distanced now with this pandemic. It’s literally no one out there.
You are not alone in feeling like this, I have been dealing with those feelings for 8 months now and its hard, can't imagine how hard its been for the length of time you've been dealing with it. I really just miss talking about the small things, if I had a win at work or found a lunch spot we should try. My Mum did this for 15 years which made it all the more sweeter when she found her perfect person, a complete gent who had dealt with his stuff and loved her grown kids as if they were his own.
Good things happen to those who deserve it Ginger, just takes longer than we'd like sometimes.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
So I'm curious why you have come to the conclusion about not blending families until after D is 18. Please don't feel obligated to answer, because I'm certainly not questioning your decision, I'm truly just curious. Now, granted, when I got married, I had always been single so my XH had kids, but I didn't. His were 12, 14, and 16 when we got married. Sure, there were some growing pains, but we all adjusted. Obviously, it would be different if you were marrying someone who also had kids and the adjustment would be different, but your D is resilient. If you found a good, solid dude, I would think making that big change wouldn't seem so bad for you or D. Just my 2 cents and not judging you. You have to do what works for you.
Like the post above says, good things happen to those who deserve it and you definitely do. That timing, though, huh? Lol....sometimes you just want to tell people to step on the d@mn gas!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thank you for stopping by Only! Your mother sounds like an incredible woman and she sounds really happy now. It really does give me encouragement and hope. I hope to meet someone like that one day, and I think I realize it’s just not my time yet.
Dawn, a few reasons why I wouldn’t go down that road. One is she hasn’t known her life living with anyone but me in my household. It would be a huge adjustment . I don’t want to turn her world upside down in high school before she goes off to college. The other reason is that she is a girl. I don’t think I would ever feel comfortable leaving her alone with a guy in my house. Even if I was dating that guy for a year, you just don’t know. She’s becoming a woman, and that is not smart. And if he had teenage sons? Oh lord no. I just don’t think it would ever be a comfortable situation. She is resilient for sure, but it is not a situation I would feel comfortable putting her in
I think I would feel the same in your shoes, G. Even if you met someone tomorrow, it would be fine to just date until she’s off to college. It’s not that far away. And gives you plenty of time to get to really know a guy before you cohabitate.
Well, I think I’ve given up on even caring for myself lately. I rarely put makeup on. I only wear scrubs and sweats. I can’t lose weight . What’s the point anymore ?
I had my MRI to help try to figure out my ankle pain/ foot pain. It was negative. My podiatrist was upset, I was upset. We wanted to see something and fix it. He gave me a referral to a second opinion to make sure there isn’t something that he is missing. But we both really think it’s coming from my back and it’s a spinal issue. I’ve just learned to live with back pain and sciatic pain I have from my herniated discs and the lipoma on my spine. I never followed up when I should have. I was supposed to get MRI’s of my spine to make sure the lipoma isn’t growing every 6minths and I haven’t since I was diagnosed in 2016. I’m afraid to go back to deal with this issue.
I can’t go on like this anymore. I’ve always had pain but I have always dealt with it. I don’t even know what body I am living in anymore. I am the woman who used to run, kickbox, lift weights, bike ride, do hard core boot camp classes, swim, hike, yoga. I could move my body. Now it’s no good anymore. It’s heavier , it’s a achier, and doesn’t do what it’s supposed to. All those activities were my therapy, my lifeline, my joy, my hobbies, and my endorphins. I don’t have any of it left anymore. It’s been so depressing. If I could have anything it would be to not be in pain and resume my active lifestyle .
We got 20lnches of snow here it was godawful. I made it to work, barely made it home on Monday. Couldn’t get my car out Tuesday. I pretty much dig around my car out. Hurt my back more. There is literally no where to put the snow in my driveways because it’s between 2 walls. I gave in and hired someone to come and dig half my driveway out so I can park my car and walk. It’s unreal, we haven’t seen snow like this since 96’.
I’m alone this weekend. Spending the super bowl with myself. D13 will be with her dad.
This pst year has been he!! For me. I managed to avoid covid though I worked closely with it, and that’s a plus. I am fully vaccinated and that’s a plus. But I just don’t have a circle anymore. My friends seem gone. Some are not gone emotionally, just due to distance, but others are around the corner and pretty much gone. Families and family friends have stuck together in their “pods”. But here I am. Alone.
I’m seeing my doctor for my annual physical at the end of the month and will probably ask to up my AD’s. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t even have my exercise. I have been thinking about going away for 3 days. But where and to do what? Who knows.
Well, that was depressing. One day I’ll have something not depressing to say .
Hi Ginger, as someone who also enjoys being active--hiking, climbing, cycling, pilates, etc. I get frustrated when I can't move as much due to back or foot pain for even a couple of weeks. That sounds terrible, being limited, being uncomfortable, worrying about spinal injuries, and no clear diagnosis. You are so strong for everyone else here AND you do amazing work. You deserve as much support as you can handle. In lieu of that, you deserve amazing self-care. Anyway, for what it's worth, thinking about you and sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
Hey girl - I know this is REALLY tough for you on SO many levels.
For the physical stuff - can you lift free weights for your upper body and do simple crunches (only 1-2 inches of shoulders off the ground) and airplanes for your core? I know it's not the same as the endorphins from aerobic workouts but it can help.
Music also helps with endorphins, can you put together (or find) an upbeat playlist?
As for your friends - I know, it's hard, we're all so worn out and reclusive right now. But there must be online groups somewhere for others isolated at home during this pandemic? Do you have any friends who have also been vaccinated that you could invite over?
I'm sorry you are having such a rough go. When I feel better, I would be glad to have a virtual beer with you and even take you on a little driving tour of Arkansas. it isn't the same as in person, I know, but it is better than nothing, right? I know some of us are connected on facebook and live in different areas of the country. We could have a virtual travel group where someone takes us on a tour of their area every few weeks. I'd totally be down to virtually travel to your neck of the woods! You know how to find me if you would like to talk to a real live person.
Hang in there. This pandemic has just been H3ll!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
So sorry you are feeling so alone. I wish I had words of wisdom to offer you. It seems to me that an IC might be of benefit. They can’t “fix” things but they can give you a place to share your worst thoughts and work through some things. This pandemic is like the cherry on top of a really crappy sundae. Your medical issues sound really challenging and getting the appropriate specialists involved is pretty important, I think. I know you are afraid but as all of on here know too well, avoiding the elephant in the room doesn’t make it go away. Health is everything. You are so young too. You really need to get on this...if not for you then for D13.
Dawn - Love your virtual travel idea!!!
Hang in there G. You are not alone. There are many people out there who are thinking of you and hoping things turn around for you. (((HUGS)))
I really appreciate the support and kind words. I do go out to dinner last night with friends I haven’t seen in a while. It was fun. This week D13 got accepted into a special academy for high school. I’m super proud of her and she’s proud of herself.
I’m hoping my spirit will start lifting again when most starts to feel better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Ginger, Checking in on you too. That's a lot of snow you've had! Glad to hear you got out to dinner with friends. And that's awesome about D13!
I hope you are feeling better. I've never had to deal with physical pain as you've described, but I do know how it feels to feel crappy about the body you're in. Start with your mind and the rest will follow. I do hope you find something to soothe your soul.
((HUGS))
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Hello! Thanks for checking in on me! Everything is fine, I’ve just decided that I finally have to truly focus on myself. I haven’t been. I don’t know that I ever truly have.
I’ve been doing something about the pain. Seeing the doctors I need. My foot in improving a bit. Not 100% but I can walk much longer distances now. I got the new echelon bike which is the poor man’s peloton, but it’s wonderful and my new addiction and I use it every day. I’ve been on weight watchers and it’s been going well, it’s a slow lose, but a healthy lose. I’ve been spending time with some new friends at work and we go out and do something fun on the weekends. It’s been what my mental health has really needed. The loneliness and isolation was really really getting to me. I think D13 knew that too. When I got invited out with these friends the first time, it was her weekend with me and she really wanted me to go. She even felt I needed to get out and see friends and people . My kitchen floors and some painting got done yesterday. I’m super excited about that. I’m at my dads and haven’t see it yet, but I can’t wait.
I’ve also pretty much ditched social media. I check FB maybe once a day because I like to follow the group of the people who have my bike program. It’s a fun community and it keeps me motivated.
I was beginning to really see how comparison is the thief of joy. I couldn’t emotionally handle seeing so many “happy” couples and families on social media anymore. It just made me feel even more lonely. And I would spiral into “why is this the life meant for me? I don’t understand why my destiny was to be lonely” and in all honesty, my life has been a challenge since day 1. I always knew I would have challenges and have to work extra hard for things that come so easy to others. I accepted that. I just never imagined that I was supposed to be so alone and lonely in this world. I have been through the worst of things, but I never really thought I would have to through them so damn alone. I was watching a documentary about a woman dying of cancer. She was 37. Her and her husband loved eachother so much . She said “if I could have never gotten sick and lived to be old, but I would have had to do that alone and without my husband, I would chose being sick and dying with my great love rather than living forever never knowing him” that kicked me in the feels. I have had guilt about feeling that way myself.
However, I decided I am not wallowing in that anymore and I have just decided to live my life. I’ve been distracting myself nicely. I just need to not think about it.
In April I’m going to visit my friend in FL I haven’t seen since her wedding. It’s time. I miss her horribly and a few days away is much needed.
D13 is doing good, she seems to be having better less annoying teenager days. We are actively working on it together. I love that kid like crazy and I’m super proud of her.
That’s a little update. I hope everyone is doing well.
Glad to hear you’re doing better, G! Comparison is the thief of joy - SO true! That was my ex’s problem really -even given everything he had, it wasn’t enough. He was too busy resenting the people in our wealthy community who had even more.
And those happy couples on FB? Half of it isn’t what it appears to be, you know that. I think it was a good choice for you to stay off. (My ex’s life probably looks perfect on FB - hot young wife, retired young at 60, exotic travel (pre-pandemic), surfer pad at the beach. You’d never know about his new chronic pain syndrome, his wife’s depression after her mother’s death, his parent’s serious illnesses, his strained relationships with his children.
While he’s much better off financially than I am, and I’ll probably have to work until 70 to secure my own retirement in a way that also protects my kids, I still feel like I got the better end of the deal. I know him, he’s probably still unhappy with his lot. I’ve got work that I love, a good relationship with my kids, a successful music hobby, and most of all, contentment with what I have and a deep appreciation for it when so many are suffering and struggling.
(((Ginger))). So happy to read you are making yourself a priority these days. You are smart to stay off of social media. Comparison IS the thief of happiness. There have been a number of studies done on social media and the effects it has on mental health...in particular for adolescent females. High rates of social media use is positively correlated with high rates of depression. Taking a break from it is a great idea. I agree with KML. You never know what is going on in someone’s REAL life. People generally don’t post about their struggles...they just show you the good things. Glad you are taking such positive steps. Have a wonderful time in Florida!!! (((HUGS)))
Thank you! I really have decided to make myself a priority these days. I have neglected myself so much, it’s not even funny. I’ve put myself, my needs, and feelings last pretty much my whole life. Always afraid I was selfish, or hurting someone else if I gave myself some attention and peace, even if everyone else in my life didn’t agree with it.
I continue to take care of my health. Seeing the doctors I need to, and I exercise every single day. I may not be thin, but I’m much healthier. My resting heart rate is in the low 60’s and I checked out great at my physical. I got my MRI and I do indeed have herniated discs leaning on my nerves and will be getting an epidural injection for that. I am really looking forward to relief because the beautiful weather is here. I can’t wait to ride my bike, hike, kayak, and paddle board. Paddle boarding is so much fun. D13 enjoys these activities too.
I had renovations to my house and it’s coming along nicely. I made a workout room for myself which also includes a bar! I have this little extra room off my living room and I have optimized it. My kitchen is coming along, and my next step is my counters and backsplash. My stimulus check should help with that. I continue with my second job, and I might pick up a third.... COVID vaccinator! It would be so awesome to take part in that.
Dating : I might be ready. My change in my physical appearance was holding me back. But I’m doing something about it and well, I’m still attractive. It’s all in how I carry it. I wasn’t used to the changes. But if I don’t project confidence, whether I am thin or not, it won’t be attractive either way. I must admit, I do love how I just don’t worry about anyone but me and the kid lately. I’m not chatting with any guys from online, I’m not having to find time for anyone else.... I just worry about me and the kiddo. I do what I want with my free time. OTOH, I am just so craving companionship and intimacy, I might be willing to sacrifice some of my utter freedom for the right guy. But wow, I realize it would really have to be the right guy. I was going through my past encounters relationships, and I was pathetic. Never really respected myself. I refuse to ever disrespect myself again. I am almost 41. For the love of god, I need to show myself some love and respect! Well, my new friends want to hook me up. I would actually prefer that route. I have been open to it.
Speaking of relationships..... a part of my exit from constant social media kind of has me ashamed. My last single social media friends ( people I know, people I went to high school with, fellow single/divorced folk) have all found serious relationship ships recently. Have come out about them publicly, are buying houses, showing all the love. I’m so happy for them. But feel awful for myself. I can’t help but think “what is wrong with me? Why am I still single, and why am I meant to be alone?” And this is different from the happy couple stuff of long time married couples. These are people I know are happy and finally, after struggle have found what they had hoped for. It should be inspirational. But instead I feel like sh!t about myself.
What can I do? I stay off social media, check it once a day, go on and enjoy the highlights of my singledom. But I can’t help but feel? “When in the he!! Will it be my turn already?!”
And I can’t lie. I wonder what my ex thinks about me being single 13 later. Like he was right, there really is something wrong with me. No one has wanted me or committed to me in 13 years. He must have been right about whatever he thought was unlovable and leaves me about me. I’m working hard on letting this go. I shouldn’t care what he thinks at all. And I’m assuming he thinks that. But from the outside , wow, Ginger must really be defective.
I’m still holding on to maybe the universe is holding me out for something incredible.
If you made it this far, you’re awesome.
I’m really doing better than I have in a very long time, even if I still have dark thoughts. I can get away from them pretty easily. I am finally , in a long time, comfortable and happy in life
I wonder what my ex thinks about me being single 13 later. Like he was right, there really is something wrong with me. No one has wanted me or committed to me in 13 years. He must have been right about whatever he thought was unlovable and leaves me about me.
Girlfriend - you have to stop listening to that ugly voice in your head. Your stupid ex probably thinks “oh, she can’t find anyone to compare with MY manly self!” Because that’s the kind of idiot he is.
You’re not unlovable. You just have to let the right kind of guy in. And loving yourself and valuing yourself is the first step.
Like he was right, there really is something wrong with me. No one has wanted me or committed to me in 13 years.
Ginger, I see strength, loyalty, and compassion. You stood for your marriage. You're a nurse during a pandemic. I'm in the male/40s demographic and those are very attractive qualities. What's "wrong" is you're content with who you are and are awaiting the right person. You obviously could've settled quicker.
Originally Posted by Ginger
I was going through my past encounters relationships, and I was pathetic. Never really respected myself. I refuse to ever disrespect myself again.
I feel that from experience. I would hope older, wiser me would instantly discard some past matches.
Originally Posted by Ginger
OTOH, I am just so craving companionship and intimacy, I might be willing to sacrifice some of my utter freedom for the right guy. But wow, I realize it would really have to be the right guy.
I wonder how one knows if they met "the right guy" or "the right gal"? It would seem hard to assess anything beyond attraction, pet peeves, and common interests in a 30-120min date, barring some faux pas such as being rude to a waiter or telling you about a recent misdeed. Fast forward 4-6 dates and you're often in pretty deep. I've relied on "chemistry" in the past, but I'm not so sure that's a good gauge anymore. I'm not dating yet but I'm asking questions, considering the values I seek in a partner and how I would even spot "empathy, determination, sensuality, loyalty."
PS - Ginger, I wanted to add, you're the one who encouraged me to take a break from dating. 7 weeks in, I'm starting to hear a positive voice instead of an ugly one and it feels much better. I hope you hear that ugly voice in your head a lot less than I've heard mine, and most of the time you realize you're pretty awesome.
Hi sweetie. Glad you are taking care of you and your girl.
You know, we really do get back what we put out there, right? Without realizing it, in our actions, mannerisms, the way we stand, hold ourselves, facial expressions...all let people know how we feel in some way. Not totally, of course. But, stay with me here a minute.
If you feel the way you do about yourself...that you are a loser, not good enough, etc...and trust me i see through the positive things you are saying here because you always qualify it with a negative thing.. All of that is put out into the world. You may think you are getting over on people because you are always smiling and talkative and whatever..but people do notice.
I think negative stuff put out there attracts negative reactions.
If you think about what your ex thinks...; a man who cheated on his pregnant wife and married the affair partner..holds any weight at all in an opinion of you??? that's crazy thinking. He cannot shine your shoes. In my eyes...that right there^^^^^ his actions and the fact that he married someone who would be an accomplice in cheating on a pregnant woman...is the definition of loser so let's just put those thought right the heck out of your head.
You chose men based on where you were at..at the time..and each time, you learned from it. What you want and what you dont want. That's what you put out there and so that is who you wound up with. Had you known better at the time, you would have done better.
I dont think you are where you need to be yet to be in a relationship. Sorry but it is the truth. You say all these things about yourself, then you negate them.
You have to truly believe them deep in your soul. When you do, you want care who thinks what about you if they arent worthy. You wont wonder why you have been alone. You will understand it was part of your journey and not anything lacking in you.
We all get there when we do. There isnt a timeline for it. Some are meant to get there sooner than we are. Took me a long time.;.still not where I want to to be yet. Have had huge setbacks in the last 3 years...huge..put me back to a place I didnt ever want to be again. But, I have to accept that this is part of my journey. That there are things I didnt learn as deeply as I need to. Doesnt make me lacking...just makes me human..
So keep working on you. Keep exercising. Keep going out with friends and hanging with little G. Keep working on your house and finding new things to do.
I promise you, when you are truly ready...when you are really strong about who you are..that is when you will put that all out into the world and people will feel it and respond.
Love you, my friend. K eep going.
And if I hear you say cr@p like that about what he may think;.;i am taking a little road trip. Just sayin.
Last edited by job; 03/16/2102:01 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
