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Good Morning scout

I figured you’d mistakingly left the phone in the bag. Look at you, all tech savvy, remotely locking, turning on two factor authentication, and even setting email notification if the phone is attempted to be unlocked (which I hope it isn’t).

Sounds like Christmas was a good time. Family and friends, and some nice gifts. The ceramic statue sounds sweet indeed. And you can’t go wrong with Lord of the Rings.

S2 being all hoped up on chocolate and excitement sounds par for the course. His temporary naughtiness is easily explained and forgiven. I love that he has a strong loving caring nanny, who isn’t afraid of a stern talking to when required. smile A wonderful family.

OMG, the menu you put on. Bacon and creamed corn cob loaf, I’ve no idea what that is; but it has bacon and cream corn, two of my favourite things. (Oh my, just about broke into song, think Julie Andrews - My Favourite Things smile )

Prawns, ham, hasselback potatoes (another item I’ve never heard of - the hasselback not the potato lol), cheesecake, the list goes on. Wow.

(Nope, I’m singing the tune using your menu items.)

Have a great day.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Your menu looks amazing!! We had hasselback potatoes too-- DnJ, they're the best. Google serious eats hasselback potatoes gratin-- soooo good. Kenji's book The Food Lab is a bible in my house.

Scout, aren't the morning cuddles the best? Mine are 8 and 10 and they STILL do it most mornings. My favorite time of every single day. I love that he came to snuggle with you before even remembering about Christmas presents.

Hoping your phone came back intact and the post-Christmas exchange went well, and that you were able to have some nice self-care time when S2 was with your ex.

xx M


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
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Happy New Year, Scout!

I am a bit jealous of all the wonderful people you have to share meals with and to teach your S to give you a special gift and to be another adult when he is naughty. That is all priceless stuff (that I don't have!) that must make this whole LBS life much easier!

Lots of love and a happy year to come.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Happy New Year!

Scout and may, I’ve looked up hasselback potatoes. OMG! They look sooooo good. They are on my to do list! Where have these been all my life? smile

Here’s to 2021.

D


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Happy new year, guys!

I am very lucky in that respect, Gerda. S2 does not lack for loving people in his life. Nor do I smile

D, hasselback potatoes are the best. You get all the crispiness of chips with the tenderness of roast taters. Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew— nah, just make ‘em hasselback!

My sister and I went to two parties on NYE. One was with work friends, Gatsby-themed and quite fancy, and the other was boardgames and drinks with very old friends. I liked the second one better smile

X asked to take S2 for an extra two hours on his Thursday visit. I said sure, just need him back by x time. He replied...

“Okie doke”

Wow. He used to say that all the time throughout our relationship. His communication to date has swung between coldly formal and overly enthusiastic, depending on what channel he was trying at the time (rage, charm, self-pity). This is different. It feels genuine. It seems like such a small thing, but considering the context, it feels significant.

I hope he doesn’t try to come back. It would make me sad to hurt him by saying no.


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Funny how we can smell the difference through texts!!! My ExH few days ago typed out a sad face to me when he was commenting on something, and it felt SO weird. His texts to me also went from read and no response to a “ok” and now I actually get multiple sentences. It is interesting, but I have no interest in being his friend anyway.


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Good Morning scout

Originally Posted by scout12
Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew— nah, just make ‘em hasselback!

smile

From the original version of LOTR. Lol.

Hasselback is on my todo list.

I’m glad XH is communicating and currently calmer and more even keeled.

Originally Posted by scout12
I hope he doesn’t try to come back. It would make me sad to hurt him by saying no.

Is there nothing, or better queried, what behaviours would he need to display and tasks performed for you to even consider such a thing.

I find that is an interesting exercise. A list of things, like must have counselling, they vow to have no contact with OP (like ever again), no involvement with OP (and I mean even speaking to them) for at least full year, and so on.

This is not a list of tasks they could perform and you’d take them back. No, it is traits and behaviours they are doing to better themselves, which would make them eligible for consideration. Setting the bar as it were. It sets what you want in a partner, whether it be XH or someone else. This also defines your wanted level of faithfulness, loyalty, friendship, empathy, forgiveness, etc., and how you can recognize it when it is displayed.

What I found most interesting, I hold to those values. Setting the bar isn’t really for XW, or XH in your case, it’s for us.

We are in our most precious relationship already - ourselves. Ensure you meet your demands. Embodying those noble traits and values makes one truly happy and content.

It goes back to some of that very first advice. You save yourself. If your marriage is restored, that is a bonus. You are the most important person in all of this. Always have been.

Not wanting to hurt XH is good and noble. That displays high empathy and character.

Have you forgiven XH? What would he need to do? Of course it turns out to be nothing. He need do nothing for you to forgive. Which then significantly changes one’s view of things.

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I've forgiven him, yes. Would I take him back, no.

This is an interesting thought exercise. Some may see these requirements as control or punishment. That's okay. The biggest indicator of changed character (not simply behaviour) would be if he fulfilled every requirement without the expectation it would lead to reconciliation. In other words, he would do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. Fulfilling these requirements would demonstrate courage, integrity, and honour. I wouldn't accept anything less.

1) Admit that he is abusive and seek counselling to change.

There's a whole universe of deprogramming that he would have to achieve. Understanding that a man's abusive attitude towards women doesn’t come from his experiences with women; it comes from his experiences with other men. To this end, he'd have to address his father's abusive behaviour with the acceptance that it might end that relationship. Recognising that no woman’s life should ever be martyred to fill a man’s emptiness. Participating in men's activism in solidarity with women’s causes. Becoming an ally against domestic abuse and intimate partner violence. Most importantly, he'd need to protect our son from being exposed to abuse, even if that meant removing himself from his life.

2) Never challenge custody, child support, or my parenting.

As the parent who had no choice but to get up every day to actually raise the child, it's my opinion that X should no longer have that privilege and honour. By abandoning his family, he has shown himself to be a defective parent and a danger to S2's emotional well-being. He is capable of being a fun weekend dad and I support that completely. He is welcome to make day-to-day decisions about parenting during his visitation time. But S2 would live with me and I alone would be responsible for his character development and socialisation. X would have input, but defer to me on all major parenting matters and accept my decisions without complaint. He would also pay child support without complaint.

3) Make a public apology in my presence.

He would need to take ownership of everything he has done and hold himself accountable to friends and family. "I had an affair and abandoned my family. I treated my wife terribly and she was underserving of this treatment. I lied to justify my behaviour and assuage my guilt. I am seeking help for my abusive behaviour and will spend the rest of my life making amends to my son. I have no expectations of my wife that she will forgive or forget and I recognise that is her right. I ask that you support me by holding me accountable for my actions so I can keep my entitlement in check." If he was feeling especially remorseful, he'd offer to repay my parents the $10k they invested in our wedding.

4) Repay the $65k it cost me to buy him out of the house.

Demonstrating desirable traits and behaviours is all well and good, but financial reparation puts his money where his mouth is. Repayment would be for S2. For all intents and purposes, X stole that money from our son. The debt affects S2's future because it affects my ability to provide for him. Now, to be clear, S2 and I are very fortunate and want for nothing. I work 0.8 FTE on a six figure salary. But the debt is an unnecessary financial burden. I recall making this point to X during settlement discussions. He said "I know I'm not doing what's right for S2, but I have to do what's right for me." This apparently means buying jetskis, bikes, car parts etc. This one still burns me.

Contact with OW is irrelevant and I have no interest in policing that. There will always be OW because I believe cheating is behaviour borne from a character flaw-- entitlement. Unless that flaw is fixed, the man is a danger to himself, me, S2, and anyone with whom he forms an intimate relationship. If a man is only as faithful as his options, I'm throwing the whole man away. Until his character demonstrates reciprocity, respect, sacrifice, and selflessness, he needs to stay out of my life.


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It’s great to have a clear idea of what true repentance/reparation would look like. Usually when we grasp that, we realize how unlikely our WASs are to actually rise to that standard.

I’d never take my ex back either. There’s really nothing he could do to convince me he would be capable of fidelity, and honestly, my life is so much better not walking on eggshells around him.

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Hi Scout, I just saw that you commented on my thread, I appreciate you taking the time, thank you. For some reason I felt compelled to catch up on your sitch, perhaps because we live in the same country. Funnily enough, the more I read, the more similarities I began to see in what you have been going through and what I have, more than just where we live.

You have really handled yourself admirably in the face of difficult circumstances and I have gone through and highlighted a number of things that I have read that will help me in moving forward in my situation. Like you, my STBXW walked away and didn't look back. I gave it my all to make it work, understand what was making her unhappy, trying to fix things but I got nothing in return, it was quite humiliating.

Originally Posted by Scout12
My exhusband would occasionally say he was unhappy a couple times a year, and while I stepped up to try and work on things every time he did this, he did nothing on his end. So basically, I was rewarding him for his emotional neglect while he didn’t have to lift a finger. I tried to spend more time with him, be hotter in the bedroom and make more of an effort, ask him to go on dates with me, etc. He must have known that saying he’s unhappy would warrant my immediate flood of attention for him while he didn’t have to return the favor. He used me.
Another step forward.


It was this quote that really resonated with me. This would come from my STBXW once or twice every couple of years and I would work really hard to address her concerns with no corresponding action from her end. After a while it just made me feel like giving up. You mentioned that you wanted your XH to come and meet you with S at the train station, that would have made you feel really happy. I used to take our S to the bus stop and train station to wait for STBXW and we'd wave and be really excited to see her. Recently she told me the reason she didn't want to have sex with me all those years was that she never felt loved or appreciated.

Anyway, just thought I'd share how useful your posts have been for me and its quite inspiring to see your progress, keep up the good work!


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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