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scout12 Offline OP
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May, I'm hoping he will ignore it and not show up (he's not required to appear) but we'll see. The hearing is very much just a formality.

I try not to think about the rest of his life because it does make me feel sad for him and for S2.

Ugh, yes, that guy. That comment hit a nerve due to things that happened in my sitch, and I'm sure I came across a little bit ~triggered~ but I'm glad to hear I wasn't the only one who objected. Did your H give you any outlandish reasons for his affair?

Just wanted to share a bit of S2 cuteness. We were stuck inside all day due to heavy rain and getting on each other's nerves. After I snapped at him yet again while tucking him into bed, I gave him an apologetic cuddle and said "I still love you even when you're naughty." With a big smile, he said "And I still love you even when you're cranky." This kid!


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Scout, he is too cute!! I love him! What an awesome sense of humor for a 2 year old. I also love how perceptive and loving he is. smile

My H has stuck pretty resolutely to my not having sex with him as the reason for the affair. Which I can't really call outlandish. If I ever told him I felt I hadn't been honoring him enough as a husband and a father, he would definitely take me to get checked out by a mental professional.

How is all the Christmas stuff going?


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Originally Posted by may22
I also almost told this story but didn't... I know a woman whose husband cheated on her and left her (weirdly very similar circumstances to mine-- H traveled a lot for work, younger woman, long distance affair, two young kids) and apparently he said to her during BD that if only she'd worn nicer clothes around the house, not just yoga pants all the time, maybe he wouldn't have cheated. I found this so ridiculously gross that I told my H who also found it ridiculously gross and now we joke about wearing nice pants all the time. Even my lying cheating H thinks that is sexist and stupid.)


You might find this shocking, but I don't really agree on that. Of course any H must love his wife no matter what pants she is wearing, and that's no reason to leave anyone. I have only one boob left and certainly would not expect that to influence my H's love.

But that said, I do think a lot of women get casual about that stuff, and I think it can make a man feel taken for granted. Why not dress up for him when he is coming home? Would you want him to stop showering because you are just both around the house? I've been alone for many many years and I really long for that feeling of dressing up for a man, even if it's just to put on some eye make-up to meet him at the post office and to see the ol' flame in his eyes. Looking back now, I realize that my H wasn't interested in me for years, because I did try to look nice for the most part and not take that stuff for granted but I don't think he noticed me. I'm not sure he ever really did, but that's another story. I do think a lot of women take their men for granted, I see this all the time with my friends, and I think that men do want to feel that you do want them to feel the flame all these years later just as you did when things were new.

Reminds me of Beyonce's "Hold Up" where she is remembering that she did try to keep it sexy but it wasn't enough.

Something don't feel right because it ain't right
Especially comin' up after midnight
I smell your secrets, and I'm not too perfect
To ever feel this worthless
How did it come down to this? Scrolling through your call list
I don't wanna lose my pride, but I'ma .... me up a ......
Know that I kept it sexy, you know I kept it fun
There's something that I'm missing, maybe my head for one

[Refrain]
What's worst, lookin' jealous or crazy? Jealous or crazy?
Or like being walked all over lately, walked all over lately
I'd rather be crazy


And that was BEYONCE! So I don't think it is EVER our fault. But I do think it's a way to show love and respect to your man because you WANT to make him feel cherished.


Last edited by Gerda; 12/14/20 10:08 PM.

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I also recommend Michele WD's Ted Talk on the Sexless Marriage, it's pretty eye opening.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Checked out by a mental health professional, May? Haha. I told X that I hadn't respected him as the head of the family when I was trying to get him back. This was when I was following the philosophy of someone else before I found DB. Cringe.

I actually received an email from X this morning about holiday plans-- NOT the parenting plan. He wants to take him for an adhoc Tuesday overnight next week for a family event. Then he cancelled his Christmas Eve visit citing his work schedule (complete with sad crying emoji that makes me think he's lying, but whatever).

I don't have a problem with any of this but the issue is he's completely ignoring the unsigned parenting plan. He wouldn't have to email to ask for an adhoc overnight if he just signed the damn thing. He could have every Tuesday overnight! I've been sliding back into complacency regarding my fears of non-return-- not trust, I do not trust him. But I've made it very clear what the consequences will be if he pulls another stunt like that, which gives me a certain amount of peace.

He also wanted to confirm the Christmas Day agreement "as discussed". This is part of the new parenting plan and so far I've pushed back on implementing anything in the new plan until he signs it. On his part, he's tried to circumvent this by implementing things that have not yet been legally enshrined. I think that's a VERY slippery slope. That's not how this works. It's not how any of this works!

Do I write back demanding signature? Do I run with my feelings of complacency? If, as it seems, X really truly doesn't want to care for S2 as per the new agreement, am I better off not forcing it and allowing adhoc visits and just being the single stable parent? The glaring problem is that without his signature, I don't have a legally enforceable agreement.

What do I dooooooo

Last edited by job; 12/15/20 12:47 PM. Reason: removed name of an author not related to DB

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Scout, what happens with the hearing without a parenting plan signed? I was under the impression that he could do another "kidnapping" type thing if you didn't have that signed, and you wouldn't have grounds to complain (or call the police or whatever). Am I misremembering that? If you go through the D decree, are you not obliged to give him any overnight visits at all?

And for Christmas-- does this mean you get S2 for Christmas Eve and he wakes up with you Christmas morning and then goes over to X's? yahoo!!!!!!

That indicates to me that patience and holding off on saying anything does seem to serve you... but I'd still be nervous without a signed parenting plan if it means he can pull another stunt like he did before. That would worry me.

I wonder... given all the recent communication if he doesn't want to sign the parenting plan because he doesn't want to be locked into weekly overnights? He only wants them when it is convenient for him? What if instead of demanding signature you said okay, do you mind signing and sending back the agreement, and confirming (if you are OK with this) that you are always good to take S2 anytime if things come up for X on his nights?

Gerda... I know I did take my H for granted and the SSM was really not okay. It had a lot more to do with me and how I saw myself than how I felt about my H. I do wish I had come across Michele's TED talk earlier (I have seen it now) and understood how important sex is in a MR. I really didn't get it. That all being said, I still liked getting dressed up and putting on makeup to go out with my H, and I'd still like to have an R with a man where I cared what he thought about how I looked and vice versa. If my H and I ever get to M2.0, or in my next R with a man regardless, I would want to keep things sexy and fun at some level, not get totally buried again in the motherhood and work stuff, and keep in mind that I'm a woman as well as a mom. I just really bristle at the idea that a woman SHOULD do that to keep a man, that it is somehow legitimate to cheat on your wife if she "lets herself go." But I absolutely agree with you that in a healthy MR each partner spends time and energy ensuring the other feels loved and cherished, and that is one way to show you care.


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Oh and also, Scout.. you are going to be the single stable parent regardless of whether or not he signs this agreement. But I do think you need something legally enforceable.


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scout12 Offline OP
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May-- In Australia, parenting plans are completely separate to divorce. For tomorrow's hearing, the judge only needs to hear that the child is sufficiently provided for. There is nothing to be decided other than the legal end of the marriage.

You remembered correctly. I currently do not have a legally enforceable parenting plan. I'm not obliged to give him any time whatsoever. I would not be doing anything wrong, legally, to withhold S2 and make X go through the court system to get his parenting time. If I had legitimate concerns for S2's safety, this is what I would do.

Regarding Christmas, he hasn't explicitly agreed to the ongoing schedule. Just this year's arrangement, which was never really up for debate anyway. That's my concern with allowing it to go ahead without having signoff on the ongoing schedule.

Yes, I do think that he doesn't want to be locked into a legally enforceable agreement. The agreement we came to is more time than he was asking for back in February, which is appropriate because S2 is nearly a full year older. And yet, still no signature.

I wonder if I went the other way, and just said let's lock in the current arrangement and I'll allow age-appropriate adhoc overnights, would that be more attractive? But S2 needs his visits to be stable and predictable, right?

On the topic of 'not letting things go', I do actually agree as long as it is reciprocal. For me, I wasn't about to do my hair and makeup and put on nice clothes at 8pm, only for my X to come home an hour late without a notice, sit with me long enough to eat the dinner I prepared, then disappear into the office to burp, fart, and play video games all night long. No thank you ma'am!

Funnily enough, yesterday I was chatting to S2's teacher when I picked him up. She mentioned that I used to appear drab and dull and lifeless and now I look so vibrant and happy and confident. That was a nice validation.


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I'm divorced!


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(((scout)))

Another step forward.

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Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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