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If your ex is feeding his mother that much misinformation, it might behoove you to get to be closer to her, if only to combat his misinformation. I can testify that being the family member of a cheater is awkward. But she is your son’s grandmother. You don’t want her badmouthing you (due to misinformation) when he’s older.

Maybe you could start in a stealth way - “ hey, S2 and I are going to be out your way on an errand, would you like to join us for lunch at Blank Cafe? “

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Mmmm... X bailed me up at the front door the last time he found out I'd been in contact with his mother. I'm reluctant to reach out to her because of what he might do in response.


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Hello scout

Originally Posted by scout12
Tonight when I put S2 to bed, he said “I don’t like Dad”. I asked why. He said “Because I only like Mama”. I replied “It’s okay to feel however you feel. I love you no matter what. But you know it’s okay to like both of us at the same time”. He also asked me if I loved his dad. I said “No, honey. I used to love him, but he’s not my friend anymore.” This unleashed a barrage of “why”s but I steered the conversation elsewhere. Did I do okay?

You did fine.

I love seeing a child all inquisitive. It is especially heartwarming to see that when S2 is being put to bed. He feels safe, secure, happy, trusting, and loved so much that he opens up. Bedtime is when they are starting to mull over and organize the happenings of the day. It shows S2 has had good days when he asks such questions.

The barrage of whys is pretty common. Especially for an understanding-seeking child. He asks why, because he is wondering and seeing if his ideas are right.

What is he actually after? Of course he wants to feel loved. By you and Dad. The big reason for the question is S2 is ensuring his “normal” is still ok, valid, and true. Children challenge there views all the time. And they will challenges your views all the time. smile It’s how one ensures their reality is true. S2 won’t long for Mom and Dad to love each other and have all those family events; for he doesn’t know different than what he is experiencing. His normal is different than your normal was growing up. The big answer S2 is seeking - that his “normal”, his world view, is proper. Is it ok that sometimes I do not like Dad?

It’s fine you told him that Mom and Dad aren’t friends. S2 sounds pretty smart, and there is a reason he is asking. He is ensuring his view matches your’s. Of course not as well articulated or understood by him, still nonetheless his wee mind and heart are growing and accumulating knowledge and acceptance of his world.

As I said, you did fine. And I know how these questions can come out of left field. When S2 said “I don’t like Dad”, it would have been interesting to respond not with why, but “oh, you mean like how you don’t like broccoli?”. He would still expand the conversation, just not from a direct question of “why”. I imagine his response would have been something like “No, not like that. I mean...”. A less direct approach of why allows a more freewheeled response.

You’re doing good scout.

D


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Scout, I am afraid of my H. Very afraid. No one understand it because he never hit me.

We never thought they could do any of the things they did. It makes sense that they could do more than what they did so far.

I filed a police report and then another. About the harrassment and gaslighting. I think the police even called him once and let him know that they were on the radar. I just wanted it on record that I had been afraid, especially because mine keeps threatening to move back if I don't come up with more money to pay him his ED, even though ED is not settled. I want to be sure that no judge would let him come back.

My point is -- your fear is real. It might be based on something psychological or it might be a fear of physical violence that could happen. No one knows until it does or doesn't happen. But your fear of his abuse is real, it is there because he has driven you to that fear. And his behavior with S2 is scary to me.

I just want to validate your feelings. I have been there. Even just now, seeing a text from my H, my limbs were shaking like they were full of battery acid, my heart racing. I ask myself why I am so afraid and I don't know. But when I went to the family justice center and told my story, they signed me up for services. They see abuse for what it is and don't question it like we do.

Last edited by Gerda; 11/28/20 05:39 AM.

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The big answer S2 is seeking - that his “normal”, his world view, is proper. Is it ok that sometimes I do not like Dad?


This made so much sense. Thanks D.

Gerda-- thank you for validating and sharing your experience. Your H is so unpredictable; being afraid is a sane response. It's a great idea to have an official record of abusive behaviour. I'll keep that in mind.

On Thursday, I sent what I hope will be the final email on the parenting plan matter. There is nothing else to discuss. There is nothing else he can possibly argue. He will either commit or stonewall. If he stonewalls, I'll initiate mediation as a formality and then a judge will enforce the plan we've agreed upon. It's so stupid. We already have to attend a hearing to finalise a divorce that was financially settled months ago. Now it's a possibility that we'll have to attend a hearing to finalise a parenting plan that's not even in dispute. What a waste of time and money. What a pest he is.

Pest aside, life continues to be awesome for me and S2. It's summertime. We spent the weekend at the beach with friends who just moved here from Kansas. The kids played in the ocean while we had beers and spicy Thai food and talking about the endless possibilities life has given us. S2 is brown as a berry after two full days in the sun and surf.

He's also old enough for the first time to understand the rituals of the holiday season. Every night after dinner, we walk barefoot around our quiet suburban neighborhood to look at Christmas lights. It's warm and dusky when we leave home and dark when we get back. The solar fairy lights hanging from our roof come alive while we're out walking. "Look, Mama!" he exclaimed the first night. "Santa came to turn our lights on!"

As part of this brave new Christmas arrangement with X, I've been thinking about what's important to me regarding the holidays and what beliefs I want to instill in S2.

1. Joy. Building excitement and anticipation throughout the holiday season with decorations, the tree, advent calendar, gingerbread house etc. We are loving the ceremony of lighting the tree before dinner each night.
2. Giving. Last week I took him to pick out small presents (socks, earrings) that he will be responsible for gifting to our family before he opens his own presents on Christmas or Boxing Day.
3. Fellowship. I've bought a ham with all the trimmings to bake for a Christmas orphan dinner and he can help me out in the kitchen, prep the table, welcome guests etc.
4. Gratitude. I want him to be amazed when presents appear under the tree, but to also understand how lucky and loved he is. I know he's still very young, but writing thank you cards seems like a good habit to begin.

I LOVE this time of year!


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Good Morning scout

Oh my goodness. Lol. Walking around barefoot in the warm evening air looking at Christmas lights.

Around here, it’s trudge in the dark through feet of snow, a biting wind, enduring frostbite, for a glimpse of those twinkling lights. Hahaha

It’s not quite that bad. We just have to bundle up lots. Let’s see: socks, boots, long underwear, pants, ski pants, shirt, sweater, parka, mitts, toque, and scarf..... <Kid - “I need to go to the bathroom.> (Sigh). <Undress and start again.>

Nice hearing how tanned S2 is.

And wonderful to see the beliefs you are installing.

Christmas is a magical time of year. Regardless of the weather outside, it’s warm in our hearts.

D


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scout ~ I really like your idea of the 4 values to instill and how to put those in practice. I may have to steal that idea =) I've seen similar ideas to organize gifts for children (something to read, something fun, etc.) which I like as a counter to the consumer-mania that Christmas feels like sometimes.

Regarding the annoyance of the parenting plan, I hear you on the stupidity of wasting time and money on these things. I've had a lot of that in my situation too. You do a great job keeping consistent, which is about all you can do.

I realize sometimes I comment on fear on your thread and I think I will refrain going forward. It's a sensitive topic for me from my situation, but mine is not yours.

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hi Scout,

I love the focus on joy, fellowship, giving, and gratitude for S2. I think it is really smart to do this consciously from an early age. One thought on gratitude-- while I was raised to always, always write a handwritten thank you note, I also remember it feeling like a chore and the guilt that weighed me down for not writing them on time (still to this day).

When my girls were little, instead of written thank you cards I'd film little clips of them playing with their new toy or trying on their new clothes and saying "thank you Grandma and Grandpa!!" or whatever to the screen. S2's the perfect age to be soooo cute in a little video like that and he can participate far more than in a written card... and the recipients will love it. Now my kids write TY cards or call or facetime the giver to thank them personally, but I still love those little magical clips and their tiny little voices from when they were little.

And DnJ... we also live in a warm place for the holidays, but the kids would love a white Christmas! And there is something so lovely about bundling up and going out in the snow, and coming back to a warm house and hot chocolate. Enjoy smile


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4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Status update: Five more days until my divorce hearing. Silence from X on the parenting plan front for the last couple of weeks, though he continues to show up for visits. OW seems to still be in the picture despite the existence of X's Tinder profile.

I just remembered something X said during the final R conversation.

He asked himself rhetorically "Do I regret the last eight years?" then shrugged and said "meh".

It's kind of mind-blowing how little he valued everything he achieved from age 21-29 (23-31 for me). Those eight years encompassed both of our careers going from entry level to management (though I always outearned him), buying land and building a new home, getting engaged and then married, and finally, adding a planned baby to our family.

At least he went out on top, I guess?


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Fingers crossed all goes well at the hearing. I feel there is a good chance he'll try SOMETHING crazy before then, but I know you'll handle it like a pro.

That is truly mind-blowing. If his thought processes worked like yours or mine. Honestly, it is so so sad, tragic really, to try to imagine what it must be like to be him, inside his head, meh about basically your entire adult life up until that point.

(As a total aside, I don't know why I keep engaging on those other threads over on Newcomers. I had actually started a whole response after yours on 1hedlite's thread to back you up on the SAHM comment, then I decided it wasn't necessary... but then couldn't help myself.

I also almost told this story but didn't... I know a woman whose husband cheated on her and left her (weirdly very similar circumstances to mine-- H traveled a lot for work, younger woman, long distance affair, two young kids) and apparently he said to her during BD that if only she'd worn nicer clothes around the house, not just yoga pants all the time, maybe he wouldn't have cheated. I found this so ridiculously gross that I told my H who also found it ridiculously gross and now we joke about wearing nice pants all the time. Even my lying cheating H thinks that is sexist and stupid.)


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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