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A Message from Michele
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Re: Finalizing D and moving on #5 [Re: Mumin] #2908607
11/16/20 10:40 AM
11/16/20 10:40 AM
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Mumin Offline OP
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Thats great to hear neffer!
Makes me glad!
Which in turn makes me realize my self esteem/confidence isnt through the roof, but I guess that will take time.

Strength and Honor!


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: Finalizing D and moving on #5 [Re: Mumin] #2908613
11/16/20 11:40 AM
11/16/20 11:40 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 291
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MrBrside Offline
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Originally Posted by Mumin
You are right LH.
Not sure I Have to make that decision now though.
Really not sure how I feel about it.
Will I want her to send pictures of an event with kids that I missed? Yes probably.
Will I want to reply to her with a picture every time she wants one? No.


To me memories are a major part of mine and my childrens life. We do a lot of fun stuff together - I take a LOT of pictures and do photobooks every month..

Would i ask my WW for any pictures - NEVER - because we make enough memories of our own...

Initially WW used to always ask me for pictures - But i refused . From my persective, i want seperate lives from WW.. The WW made their choice to run off with OM - While every persons relationship with their WW is different, why would you want to waste time and energy, sharing your memories with a person who threw you aside like a piece of trash - and from reading your sitch, your WW is not a nice person and has shown you a lot of disrespect. Sounds like NG syndrom kicking in.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Re: Finalizing D and moving on #5 [Re: Mumin] #2908626
11/16/20 02:40 PM
11/16/20 02:40 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,613
Missouruh
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Missouruh
Originally Posted by Mumin
Thats great to hear neffer!
Makes me glad!
Which in turn makes me realize my self esteem/confidence isnt through the roof, but I guess that will take time.

Strength and Honor!


Hey Mumin hope you're doing well my man.

Remember, feelings are fleeting and fickle. You are also in control of them, "everything is a matter of judgment". If you can stay detached you can make logical decisions. People who make logical decisions in tough times have better outcomes. Logic doesn't mean instant perfection as it requires trial and error, but that's OK. I always told the kids I coached that if you never failed then you never tried. It's how you try that matters.

Hope your kids are doing well, good luck to you.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Re: Finalizing D and moving on #5 [Re: Mumin] #2908656
11/16/20 04:33 PM
11/16/20 04:33 PM
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Mumin Offline OP
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First off I just want to say thank you for everyone still posting on my thread.
LH, Ovr, MrB, neffer you have been with me since I joined here and I can say you have all made huge POSITIVE impacts in my life. Thank you for that and thank you for these recent perspectives.
I am doing well and so are my kids. Though I am certain I will need to really give them time, space and love as me and W physically separate in late January.

MrB
"because we make enough memories of our own..."
This is the way I view it too.
But what about sports events, graduations, etc Have you agreed both can ALWAYS come to these? We have not yet really discussed these things.
I think, as we physically separate I will tell her how I view some of these things. Including sending pictures.

MrB also, I am very curious. How did you tell her you "refuse" to send pictures?

Last edited by Mumin; 11/16/20 04:33 PM.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: Finalizing D and moving on #5 [Re: Mumin] #2908659
11/16/20 04:41 PM
11/16/20 04:41 PM
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LH19 Offline
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M,

She can’t keep you from sporting events and graduations etc.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Finalizing D and moving on #5 [Re: LH19] #2908663
11/16/20 04:57 PM
11/16/20 04:57 PM
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Mumin Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
M,

She can’t keep you from sporting events and graduations etc.


This is true.
At physical separation I might tell her my view co-parenting and my life moving forward.
I have long considered if I should tell her I don't want to be her friend. (already showing this through actions though)
Nonetheless I need to make up my own mind on some of these things so I know.
Its getting easier to act on values but the NGS is strong in this one. smile

Last edited by Mumin; 11/16/20 04:58 PM.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: Finalizing D and moving on #5 [Re: Mumin] #2908664
11/16/20 04:59 PM
11/16/20 04:59 PM
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Posts: 291
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MrBrside Offline
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Mummin,

Re the sport events / school concerts / parents evening ( pre covid ) - I still do all of these - I just refuse to do them with my ex. I don't see its something you need to discuss ? You are the father - So you do it. You don't need to go with WW.. Just make sure you are informed - I nearly missed one because WW didnt inform me ( the letter went home on her night ) - Hence now the school send me a copy of all correspondance.

In my case, i dont think its about pictures .. Its about control on the WW's part.

Unless my posts don't give it away, i am blunt and say it as i see it. If i don't agree with something, i will never budge. When WW left, she came back 2 days later to get a few things - i was shocked.. She emptied shelves in the kids playroom and left toys all over the floor, lookikng for what she wanted. That was the last time she ever stepped in my ( previously our ) house. Since then it has been her "control ambition" to get into the house. I've heard it all - "She would like to see how i've redecroated the kids rooms", "she wants to see the xmas tree", "She is desperate for the toilet" , "the kids want to show her their toys" - etc etc - I will never back down !

But the same goes for communication. I got sick of the BS and drama and silly messages - Hence she is blocked on everything except email. So her communication options are limited. My stance is simple - Kids Kids Kids - and always via email - my line to anything is "drop me an email please"

Bear in mind though, a lot of LBS here want recon at some point - the advice is to be the "light house" - not to persue..
I dont want her back ever - there is no light house shining - Hence i am free to be pretty cold without a second thought.

But back to the question - Photos are another one.. She initially asked for pictures of what we had done and i just ignored her. She kind of gave up after a while, realising i wasnt going to do it. When me and my children have been on holiday, she insists that i send her pictures, but i just ignore the emails. I dont believe she even wants to see them - its about about trying to break my boundaries..

Every sitch is different, but i do believe a lot of the WW requests / actions are still about control and not so much the request.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Re: Finalizing D and moving on #5 [Re: Mumin] #2908669
11/16/20 05:11 PM
11/16/20 05:11 PM
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Mumin Offline OP
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Wow MrB thanks for a GREAT post!
I will read it again and really consider all recent advice.

Tbh I have been a bit ambivalent lately as to whether I would ever take her back.
Long demands lists aside I am not sure I can get the loving respect back.
I still have love for her though, but I am not sure its the right kind of love and I am sure that love will diminish over time.

Also, at the moment I am so much about exploring and developing myself.
My brother asked me when I am getting Tinder. I said I dont want it right now.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: Finalizing D and moving on #5 [Re: Mumin] #2908673
11/16/20 05:20 PM
11/16/20 05:20 PM
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 207
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BL42 Offline
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Originally Posted by Mumin
Also, at the moment I am so much about exploring and developing myself.
My brother asked me when I am getting Tinder. I said I dont want it right now.

It's certainly tempting. I was with my wife before dating apps on smartphones were a thing. Also, just a week ago a friend asked if I would go out with someone he knew. However, I think posters on here are right when they say focus on healing and improving yourself because broken attracts broken so I've stayed away from that scene so far.


Me:39 W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:2
BD/IHS/Suspect OM: 2/15/20
Discovered EA & PA: 3/5/20
W/OM1's work & OM1's W know: 5/20
W moves out: 6/20-7/20
W w/OM2: 6/20-7/20
W files for D: 7/20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Re: Finalizing D and moving on #5 [Re: Mumin] #2908675
11/16/20 05:28 PM
11/16/20 05:28 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 524
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Mumin Offline OP
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Totally agree BL.
Initially I felt a need to explore whats out there and "get mine" but I dont anymore.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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