Steve_'s LRT phase 2

[Steve_]

New thread

link to previous:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2907745&page=all

going back into NC. The road continues...

[Steve_]

Steve right now she has zero doubt. That can change if you change. If you don't; she may comeback but it would only be temporary.

Absolutely right again LH. That is what has always occurred. It reminds me of something CW says, quoting his Green Beret friend.

"The strongest negotiating position is to be able to walk away and never look back" That's what Im trying my best to do. Its been a couple weeks since I have made zero effort to fix this. And I know that her saying "I am not sure anymore" about her choice last night was a test to see if Ill jump right back into wanting to get her back. I did not, didn't even respond to it. If she never feels the loss, she has zero reason to change. Im the one feeling the loss and that's why I am doing things different. That's why im here, because I don't want to live this way anymore

[Thornton]

Hey Steve,

Have you ever entertained the idea that maybe you are in love with a fantasy in your mind where your W is caring, honest, has integrity, is empathic, and would be loyal to the end?

If your W has had 5 affairs, I’d bet my bottom dollar she’s a narcissist. And if she is a narcissist, there’s absolutely nothing you can or should do to keep her in your life. She will be this way until the day she dies.

It took me a long time to take my rose tinted glasses off in my sitch.

I would also highly recommend you do some Google searches on recovery from a narcissistic breakup.

[sandi2]

Okay, let's put our heads together and come up with a plan for you to use the next time she pushes your button in a text message. B/c it will happen again! She's like a cat playing with a mouse. She will try many things to get a reaction from you. Even a negative reaction from you is better than ignoring her........in her opinion.

So, the past 24 hrs have been emotionally difficult for you. I would guess you were saving up emotional spit and all she had to do was press enter, and you exploded words everywhere.

Where were you, or what were you doing when you read her message?

How quickly did you text her back?

As I said, you can expect texting from her. She is going to contact you! Just b/c you've told her you won't respond unless it's regarding the kids, doesn't mean she intends to cooperate. No, she is going to push every button possible.

First, you need to do something to calm down when you see her text. Set your timer for how ever long it usually takes for you to get control over those urges to tell to reply.

If possible, start doing some physical exercises, at that moment. Really pour your frustration and resentment into those body exercises. Go for a run, or whatever requires a lot of energy. (Of course, if you are in a vehicle, you can't do push-ups very well.)

Have a pretend conversation where you tell her off. If need be, go to the bathroom or bedroom mirror, and talk to your own reflection. This may sound crazy, but it helps in relieving that powerful rush of emotional energy, urging you to reply to her. It helps to talk you off the ledge, so to speak.

Concentrate on your breathing. Take long, deep & slow breaths.

Come to the board and talk to us about it. Pour it all out here. If you've bookmarked certain posts with advice, read back over it.

I understand the temptation to have your say, but there are no words as powerful and no words at all. See, whether you realize it not, you appear as if you think you can teach her by explaining that all of this is the result of her waywardness. You want her to see how things won't be like they once were. You want her to realize what she's done. It doesn't work, Steve. You can't rationalize with looney-tunes. You can't teach her through words. If you'll read the initial threads of all the LBH's on the board, you'll see they tried holding class for their WW's, too, and it had no effect.

Oh, and she's playing you big time when she utters, "I am not sure anymore". Your mind goes into over-drive, b/c you desperately want her back, and you cling to every little things she says. You set yourself up for more disappointment and pain. Remember what I'm about to tell you. Everything from your WW at this point, is either to temperature check to see how much you are still attached, and/or she's intentionally pushing your buttons to get a reaction/response. You cannot take stock in these games of hers. Stop telling her you aren't going to talk to her unless it's about the kids. Just enforce it.

You need sources that feed you mentally/emotionally/spiritually in a positive way. I'm not saying everything you read/hear has to leave you feeling as if you've had laughing gas, but it gives you what you need to grow and develop new relationship skills......and life skills. It takes strength to change your old patterns and develop new & better ones. I really believe you are going to make it, Steve. You'll have slip-ups sometimes, but you have to get back on that saddle and ride again (as cowboys say). Don't let this slip-up keep you down. (BTW, I'm glad you shared it with us.) Just learn from it, and have a plan to for the next time. A lot of self discipline is needed when you decide to stop pursuing a WW.

[Steve_]

I get where your going with it. In 5 years in psych care ive yet to see any DX of NPD. It is far far more rare than the internet would have you believe. Sure people have narcissitic traits but a full on Dx is rare.

I don't know that my wife is a narcissist, but I do know she is definitely struggling with the lack of a moral compass. I know she isn't compassionate, honest or loyal. Which is why ive been able to push her away from me this time and not chase chase chase as I usually do. The way this ended for us was the wrongest way possible for her to do and I see a huge corruption in her character. She sees it too but laughs it off, calls herself the ice queen. She enjoys hurting people for her ego and self affirmation. She is not healthy as a person. I get that. I believe people can change but never until the pain of staying the same forces them to. She isn't even close yet.

[Steve_]

Sandi, I was just watching some Tv in my new place. Started a new show called "the 100" to help me keep my mind off stuff. When she said that I responded to her calmly and In a way that pretty much said, "you know I didn't tell him that, this is the way it is now" and that's when I got tossed the breadcrumb "im not sure anymore" I see it for what it is. She fully expected me to be like "you can still turn this around, ill do XXXX to fix it, etc..."

I did not. And I don't plan on responding to that crap anymore. It was just an accusation to see if I would get angry/beg/etc.. I didn't pass that test but I did keep my emotions under control.

[Steve_]

Oh and I waited about an hour to respond.

I did not reply at all to her "im not so sure anymore" It was hard, I wanted to dig into it with
"what do you mean" but she would give half-ass answers anyhow. Nothing true. I don't believe
her words anymore only actions.

I thought it would be nice to leave her saying to me last "im not sure anymore" in the text. Felt
like letting her have that as a last word put a smile on my face. Not taking that bait. Havent said a word in 16 hours
the less I say the less she reaches out and then has to come up with something. Since ive addressed that I don't tell the kids anything I can ignore that from now on without feeling the need to defend. My silence will be my best friend now. For my own sanity. I don't owe her any explainations, this was her choice not mine. I see that. Thank you. Only time *might* teach her the lesson here, I cant. And I did see a lot of LBS trying to no effect. Im not gonna go that way, again its a waste of time nobody change her but her.

[Steve_]

Not a single word today. Just left her text “I’m not so sure anymore” right where it was. Radio silence.

My in laws were kinda disappointed I went to my apartment today. I need space. And her mom got it. My Mom told me her mom cried in AZ that she has to move away now and it’s my W’s fault. Just a few months ago we’re we’re so sure and she was so happy and beautiful decorating that new home. It’s sad. She hurt a lot more than just me. That’s her cross to bear. It really helped me to hear that LH I gotta focus on me. And Sandi when you said she is the loser here you are so right. She has to live with this the rest of her life and I don’t. I sort of pity her. Yet another new girl at work gives me googly eyes and touches me, looks at me too long. Catch her staring. It feels nice but I’m not even close. As LH said it will take probably at least a year until I’m healthy enough and knowing me It may be longer. I’m okay with it. It’s hard it really is. I’m really sad for the loss of what might be. As Thornton said I was I love with what she could be not what she is. Not a single one of the people I tell my story to side with her. And I leave my faults in too. It helps but I still miss her. I still love her. And I know I should not but when I love a person I really do. And I shouldn’t be ashamed of that. My mom got me some pots and pans. My friends want to help. You guys are here. So many have my back. I know I’m a good man. Sure I made mistakes with NGS and so on but it’s not something I can’t fix. I’ll read 3% Man until I memorize it, I’ll read the rational male over and over too. I’ll get better. But it will take time. I really loved this woman deeply. My biggest regret is not showing it. She did need that and I admit I let her down. But I’m not a bad man, her choices are on her and at the end of the day, I’m glad I am not her. I would feel like such a POS to do what she is doing. I could never do it. And that’s why I am different than her. I will let her go, slowly, quietly and with a lot of pain. But I will let her go. It’s what you do when you love someone, you let them be free. That is uncontainable love. And I do love her that way. It hurts me to see her make these mistakes but I know she needs it. And I will be ok. Thank you all for following me. One more day of radio silence and I’m doing better than yesterday.

[Mumin]

Its great to see your development Steve! Mentally and in your actions.
Keep moving forward!

[OnlyBent]

We're here Steve, a day at a time mate!

Keep focussing on what you can do to become the man that YOU want to be. Whilst you're doing great with the radio silence, let's start to see more and more Steve posts that don't contain the word 'her'.