the emojis are not working so I have no idea what they are.
why on earth is this your fault? you were misled (I'm being kind), bullied, and preyed upon. here's your part from my vantage point: you allowed it. dig into why that was the case. dig into why you are now owning more than your side of the street. dig into why your boundaries are so fluid, and figure out how to stay in your own hula hoop.
she's lining up #8, that's why you haven't heard from her.
set up a cot for her to sleep on when she is at your place. I am absolutely serious. I don't give a rat's @$$ about her bad back. DO NOT have sex with her again if you hope to have this end sooner rather than later. Also, you're forgetting she's got $$$ coming so no, you are not putting her in a bad spot. BTW she put herself there, by forcing this relationship from the second she heard B left the building, and all the shenanigans since. She's adept at letting herself off the hook. Don't you do the same. Insist she pay the loan off so you are off the hook, or re-finance it without your co-signing.
BTW Every Single Person you've mentioned who knows S has her # but you, so don't for a second think you're going to be looked at as the bad guy here. Rather, you will be looked at as the smartest of the bunch who got out the soonest. Better to be that guy, Andrew, don't you think, than someone people will think of as a victim???
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Wait - the dead bodies are in YOUR freezer? I thought that freezer belonged to her!
CONTEXT people CONTEXT ** Not ** "human" bodies. Sheesh - trying to get the Mounties at my door or what?
S had 2 small freezers that ended up in the garage full of mold. They were scrubbed out by S13 and sold in the fall. I don't know what she kept in them but they had to have things on the lids to keep them closed. Hardly anything was taken out and kept beyond the "bodies". I suspect that most of the contents ended up in the landfill - she had a "lot" of loads to the dump when she moved here and there's still lots of just plain trash that keeps surfacing.
I had an empty slightly larger freezer with no mold that was already in the cellar. We've been using it. It's currently about 1/2 full including the good sized wooden box with the wee birdies in it.
As an aside if she wants that freezer she can have it. I had been considering getting rid of it last year but because "I had lots of room" didn't bother. By the time she moves I hope to have what I would want out of it able to fit in the fridge freezer. S26 and I lived with just that for 4 years just fine and it will be just me in the New Year. S18 may be here for another month beyond that but not more than that even if it means that his rabbits need to be re-homed
Originally Posted by bttrfly
the emojis are not working so I have no idea what they are.
Yeah - they worked in post preview. Ah well - no big.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
why on earth is this your fault? you were misled (I'm being kind), bullied, and preyed upon. here's your part from my vantage point: you allowed it. dig into why that was the case. dig into why you are now owning more than your side of the street. dig into why your boundaries are so fluid, and figure out how to stay in your own hula hoop.
Yeah - I've been doing some reading and filling out personality surveys. I think that it all comes down to me being too trusting. I still own my part in this because I did go along with it. S asked numerous times "are you sure" and I lacked the fortitude to say no when I probably should have. Just because the train was going down the tracks doesn't keep me blameless for not jumping off.
Certainly something to work on in therapy which I'm actually looking forward to.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
she's lining up #8, that's why you haven't heard from her.
The odds are non-zero. On the other hand she also has a crap-load of stuff to deal with including her Dad's estate, her daughter's medical appointments, S13's school all while not being functional for more than half the day when places are open. Going to give her the benefit of the doubt on that one while at the same time not being surprised if one does show up. Relationship overlaps have happened in the past. Perhaps harder to do at her age and with a pandemic shutdown but we do know that there are all sorts of people out there. She is still married though as well and while that guy has had girlfriends may well be happy to have her back on his terms. She had kept him dangling for all these years after-all.
Despite protestations to the contrary on how keen she is on sex I'm pretty sure that she's not going to try to jump my bones when she passes through. I'm willing to take my chances with the sleeping arrangements even though yes - potentially a bad idea. S13 is tiny and keeps similar hours to her and has her fairly nice big mattress so I wouldn't be surprised if she sleeps in there "to not disturb me". When she comes back next week I sort of expect S13 to go back to his Dad's leaving that room empty. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
BTW Every Single Person you've mentioned who knows S has her # but you, so don't for a second think you're going to be looked at as the bad guy here.
Not really worried about that. I've grown quite a bit in the last 5 years and worry even less about what others think. My side of the street is clean as is now the living rug although is still does have an eau-du-chatton derrier. I do think that many people buy into S's narrative of being a plucky single mom and holistic reader / healer - even those that have known her for a while. I'm pretty sure she believes it herself. They know her to be scatter-brained and slightly unpredictable which is perceived as "whacky". The lies we tell ourselves are the most profound. And while I don't think you and others here are wrong in agreeing with my own perception of S - there may be more depth that I just can't find - not that I am looking for it. There's too much that just shows that it's a superficial veneer appropriated in part from her mother. She had a lot of admiration for her mother who was a strong and vital personality from everything I can gather.
For finances I don't know when funds will be released to her for her own use. She can access her Dad's finances to pay his bills and the life insurance should pay out in the next few weeks. The pensions etc may have to wait for probate along with the house. She still has her regular income along with our belief that she's accumulated a bit on the side which may or may not be true. What I think of as "missing funds" may have been paying for S18's therapy, other bills who who knows what. But she's got 6 more weeks with few expenses so should be able to raise rent money.
I'm not familiar with the complications of being dead other than the email that accidentally came to me a year after my ex-wife's parents died identifying the final payout from the estate. I expect the house won't be sold until at least January as the kids have asked to have one last Christmas there.
In other news I noticed last night that S had left her engagement ring on her bedside table when she left. Certainly a very very clear sign that she has no expectation of things changing. I will admit to a sense of relief.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I've grown quite a bit in the last 5 years and worry even less about what others think. My side of the street is clean as is now the living rug although is still does have an eau-du-chatton derrier.
So I will challenge you Andy P where have you grown? Seems like you are making the same mistakes.
I've grown quite a bit in the last 5 years and worry even less about what others think. My side of the street is clean as is now the living rug although is still does have an eau-du-chatton derrier.
So I will challenge you Andy P where have you grown? Seems like you are making the same mistakes.
LOL - you didn't know me 4 1/2 years ago when I was a blubbering mess. Grown a lot since then, discovered who I am outside of the definition within a relationship - and yes - still making mistakes. I probably always will - I accidentally asked for a delivery of containers last month this morning. Fortunately the supplier figured it out and they are arriving on Friday just after lunch.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
In other news I noticed last night that S had left her engagement ring on her bedside table when she left. Certainly a very very clear sign that she has no expectation of things changing. I will admit to a sense of relief.
If it has any resale value, keep it to sell and pay for moving costs to get her out of your home when the time comes.
What would you do if you had all the time and money in the world? How would you live if you knew you had only five to 10 years left? And what would you most regret if you died tomorrow?"
Maybe reframe it:
Quote
How would you feel if you knew she had already been seeing her not-quite-ex husband? How would you feel if you knew that she would definitely land on her feet financially? How quickly would you move her stuff out of your house and get on with traveling etc. if you knew you only had 5 years to live?
If it has any resale value, keep it to sell and pay for moving costs to get her out of your home when the time comes.
I doubt that it would have much value. It's a pretty ring - an emerald solitaire with a couple of small diamonds on yellow gold. I've told her that she can keep it - I know she's kept rings from her past as well. Given the mark-down in used jewelry I would think it's worth about $100 to resell if I was lucky. And then on top of that there's the bad ju-ju of a ring used in a failed relationship. S is quite attached to stuff as we know and I'm sure her D19 would scoop it up if offered.
Originally Posted by kml
Maybe reframe it:
Quote
How would you feel if you knew she had already been seeing her not-quite-ex husband? How would you feel if you knew that she would definitely land on her feet financially? How quickly would you move her stuff out of your house and get on with traveling etc. if you knew you only had 5 years to live?
I would be sad and hurt if I knew that she was already overlapping the relationship. Plus there's that "ick" factor. On the other hand, given the slowness of the divorce he's in no rush either it would seem - there's a lot to that story that I will never know and I'm reasonably happy about that. Despite what she said about them splitting 7 years ago, there's just too much evidence to the contrary. I am choosing to trust that she has been faithful from when we were first in a committed relationship up until last Saturday when it ended.
I do know that she will land on her feet financially eventually. I have no idea how long it will take for her to get access to funds though and from what I've read it could be a year from now for that. Officially it's 15 days though - so I don't know. I think insurance pays out fairly quickly and that will give her liquidity that would more than cover any relocation expense.
The reality though is that it's out of my hands and not my problem. 6 months ago she was not financially dependent on me and her financial circumstances have not materially changed other than perhaps for the better. She may require a bit of a subsidy to pay for a truck but that should be it. She has some access to storage already - places she emptied into here - through ex-partners. Whether they would be accommodating or not is another question that again - isn't my problem.
As one friend advised me a while ago - it's worth a certain amount of cash to be sure that this goes smoothly.
I figure that it will take me a minimum of 6 months to get back on my feet emotionally, financially and house-scrubbing-y. Not that there's anywhere to travel. Being able to work on various partly done projects like getting my sloop back in the water and working on the house will be my distractions along with spending some time in nature and with friends. There's no real way to rush this.
I did my big trip to "forn-parts" already and while there are some places I'd like to go like going to see the wooden Harrison clock in the UK - it's not real high on my list. I'm really not a traveler.
I always disliked the premise of the whole "bucket list" thing although I did watch the movie which I think is part of the basis of your question. I'm a believer in eating the cake now even if it is a smaller cake. 5 years out, heck 5 days out, I could be dead. I'm not intending on that (and yes, advised the kids and updated - again - the bequest documents). I could also have 50 more years. I have some very long lived ancestors who were vital and active up to the end.
So - I'm going to enjoy my shabby but neat (soon) home. Appreciate the contributions I can make to my job and my community both near and far. Be as kind as possible to the planet and those souls riding along with me. And probably be a bit sad about the lack of what doodler would refer to as poontang for the foreseeable future.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I imagine you might be more of a traveler if you had a congenial traveling companion. All the historical monuments, museums, etc. would be right up your alley. If you like clocks you would enjoy the museum at Greenwich (which I believe has some of Harrison's sea clocks). One reason my mom, sister and I traveled so well together is we all shared an interest in history and enjoyed seeing all the museums and monuments etc.
But whatever you would enjoy spending your time doing - don't let this drama keep you too long from doing it.
It was after my ex and I split. My first post-split boyfriend lived 11 hours away. I had visited him once for a weekend and it went swimmingly I thought. However, even though we still chatted online every day, no invitation to return had been made yet. I was going to be driving up to play a music gig just 2 hours from his home, and I suggested to him that I could come up for the weekend after I was done. It SEEMED like he was ok with that as we continued to chat but he never actually said anything like "yes, I'd like that".
Anyway. Mojo Nixon, a well known rockabilly-punk figure from the 80's, was also playing on this bill. We were chatting in the green room and Mojo had just learned what I did for a living. This was during the bad recession when everybody was on financially unstable grounds, except for people with jobs like mine.
Anyway, I told Mojo the story that I was going up to see this guy but not entirely sure if I was going to be welcome. And Mojo's response was everything I needed to hear in that moment. He said (incredulously): "But you have a JOB! And you're bringing the poontang to HIM. And you have a J.O.B.!!!!!!"
I laughed so hard and never doubted myself again. Dang straight! I was bringing the poontang to HIM. He should be f-ing grateful!!! (And he was).
(Btw if you want to get a better idea of how he sounded, you can see his videos on youtube like the perennial favorite Tie My Pecker to My Leg or Elvis is Everywhere).
