I took my wedding ring off when I went to sleep last night. I didn’t put it back in this morning. I don’t think I’ll wear it again. I had a nice talk with a family member. She said that she had heard what I was going through and the first thing out of her mouth was, that’s not Scott’s fault, he’s a catch. He’s loyal and loves his family. That’s her fault. And then she said she wanted to take me out with her friends to cheer me up - a bunch of 30 year old girls.
I told her a bit of my story, and this person knows us, she said I need to let go. She said that my wife was messing with my kind. She said she is controlling and manipulative and she has this over me because I’m a good man who never gives up. She said because I ve never failed at anything I don’t know how to let go, but I failed at this and it’s time to let go.
She also said my wife really should get into counseling and on an antidepressant but, that’s not my job anymore. This family member is really good with relationships and personal dynamics. I’ve heard similar things from others, but this time it felt like it hit home.
I need to stop letting her control me by giving up, dropping the rope, and letting go.
Scott, you didn't say whether this family member has any interactions with your W, but if she does then this could blow up in your face. Sometimes people think they can be the Great Peacemaker and they try to intervene and "wake up" the WAS. The WAS sees it as the LBS trying to "rally the troops" against her and will react on a scale that ranges from "aggravated" to "nuclear explosion". Don't talk to people unless they don't know your W from the Queen of Scotland and will never interact with her.
I had a coworker whose W had run up their credit card and emptied their bank account without his knowledge (not because she wanted to leave, she just had a problem controlling her shopping habits). He was DONE and immediately left her and filed for D. She called me (I was his boss), his family, their church pastor, and half a dozen of his coworkers to try to get us all to "talk some sense" into him. Oh man oh man what a disaster that was, he had been firm about leaving her but not angry about it, but after that he was absolutely furious and wanted nothing to do with her.
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She also said my wife really should get into counseling and on an antidepressant but, that’s not my job anymore. This family member is really good with relationships and personal dynamics. I’ve heard similar things from others, but this time it felt like it hit home.
You are correct about it not being your "job". In fact, you are the last person your W would take that suggestion from. We've seen any number of WAS's get into therapy, typically the therapist tells them what they want to hear and helps steer them towards divorce. So that's no magic bullet in saving the M unfortunately.
We've seen any number of WAS's get into therapy, typically the therapist tells them what they want to hear and helps steer them towards divorce. So that's no magic bullet in saving the M unfortunately.
Its also important to know that the therapist can only work off the story being told to them...
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Steve - the person I spoke to was 66 with a 30 year old daughter. And if hanging out with a fun 30 year old family member after this is wrong, so be it.
I was walking and typing and trying to protect a degree of anonymity, so i might not have been clear.
I’ve had a great night. Went and had a bourbon with a friend. Came home to dinner cooked by my wife, then went to a neighbors and sat by his firepit and drank some beers. It was great. Not sure how my wife felt about the night, but I had a good time. Now I’m watching some Ted Lasso, and will go to bed in the hour. Win win win.
I’ve also learned that when I feel anxious a 30 minute walk really helps. This morning was lonely. Everyone is still here but I can feel the future - at least in the short term, as everyone slept.
Just need to get through this week so i can get to our vacation with my family next week.
