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A Message from Michele
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Wow so much great information. I love that you all are here for me. Thank you. I see everyone is in agreement as far as wha I need to do. I will try and tackle some of your questions and comments.
Originally Posted by MrBrside
Originally Posted by Wolfman
She tells me the longer we are not married and she is pregnant her resentment grows for me.


Originally Posted by Wolfman
I said I am trying to show her everyday how much I love her and care, and she just stares thatís not enough anymore, she needs a ďcommitmentĒ. I told her we live together and are committed, and if things get better we will get married. But she has hinted she doesnít want to wait, and that she might leave.


BIG HUGE MASSIVE red flags flying here - Woooo - Look at me... Big red flag

Seriously, not a healthy woman - YOU were broken after the ex wife - ... Broken people attract Broken people.. Look at the consequences.. Only you can fix this mess - and its not by getting married to another broken person..That becomes toxic..

Have you started to work on your relationship with your other children ?


Thank you for letting me know these are red flags. I was broken and I didnít listen to the advice on here. And jumped into this. I work on my relationship with my children everyday. In reunification therapy with my daughter. I am being the best father for my children.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Wolfman
.... this will be more about my GF now than my ex. So we started to see a therapist.
Glad to hear.

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...Do you have your list of non-negotiables?

Not sure what my non-negotiables are right now. But I know her shutting down and saying she is just my girlfriend And not going to do ďwifeĒ things, this is something that is not negotiable. She was is the one who wanted to do all of this now she stops to get ďevenĒ.

Originally Posted by sandi2
Isn't your GF 20 yrs younger than you? It's pretty obvious in her actions and what she says.

Look, she had no qualms about dating you before you were D from your W. She had no qualms about sleeping with you, or moving in with you. Right? So, when she says she is embarrassed to be pregnant and single........don't believe it. She is a girl looking for a secured future with a guy who has a good income. I don't think she's going to be in any hurry to get a job, b/c she'll expect you to take care of her.

May I ask which one of you were responsible for birth control when you started sleeping together? I think your answer is important.


We are 15 years apart. I agree she had no problem moving in with me. Where was the embarrassment then? Now because she wants to get married, now she is embarrassed? Not buying it. Oh and if I donít marry her she will break up with me. How is that not embarrassing? Now you are pregnant and single. I donít understand that logic.
As far as birth control neither of us were in charge. I never used anything. I know, I know risky. I was stupid because I was broken and not thinking clearly.

AS Thank you. You are right about me showering her with love and affection and I get nothing in return. I am tired of giving and giving and what I want doesnít matter.
This quote: Your response should be "I'm willing to work on this R with you, but if you don't try then yes, breaking up is always a possibility." She SHOULD be nervous it could happen again, it should give her incentive to work at keeping you.
You are so right. I hold the cards, not her. I put these woman ahead of me most of the time. I have to show my worth. Thank you for that.
This quote too: She's not the prize here. YOU are the prize. Start acting like it!
I actually will, thank you for reminding me!!!!
Originally Posted by Steve85
[quote=Wolfman]]I know I messed up with breaking up with her while she is pregnant, so I have been trying real hard to show her love and affection.


Wait....you broke up with her. But you are the one trying to show her love and affection?! That is some crap there.

Wolf, look, it is simple. You can continue living your life trying to please every woman you fall in love with. Or you can become the man you should be and the father you should be. This will be my final words on your sitch. If you marry this woman then you don't have a brain in your freaking skull.

Best of luck to you.

I know, I need to stop being so nice. I have to make myself the prize not her. It is a load of crap. Thank you!!
You said your final words? Are you leaving me? Please donít, I value your opinion.

This has been difficult but everyone here is giving me so much strength. Thank you. I know what I have to do. I am going to be a man, make her come for me, I am the prize and if not. Then we will coparent. I am ready to be alone if thatís what itís going to be. Just focus on myself and kids and thatís it. I really messed up, but I have to step up and be responsible. I will keep everyone updated on what happens. Keep the comments coming I really appreciate it.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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Hi Wolfman,

I have a question about the divorce paper burning incident. Did she actually try to burn the papers? Or did she just threaten it? Not that either are healthy behaviors, but actually trying to burn them is very scary. Threatening with no real intent of going through with it is super unhealthy attention-seeking behavior, but at a different level.

Maybe I'm alone here. I just feel badly for her. I don't condone her behavior at all and I think she sounds very immature. I wouldn't want to marry her either. But she's going to be in your life for the next 18 plus years in some capacity, and I'd just give her a bit more of the benefit of the doubt on some of this. Being young and pregnant and single is scary, and she clearly doesn't have the communication nor relationship skills to deal with any of this very well. That doesn't necessarily make her a gold digger. Maybe she's scared and alone and doesn't want to raise her baby on her own and is using what has worked for her in the past-- threats, bribes, ultimatums. Is there a way you two can work on communicating together in a healthy and open way, regardless of your relationship status? Have you practiced validating and deepening/curious questions with her to figure out what's really going on in her head? She may not even know herself.

Sorry you're going through this, I know it must be incredibly stressful. Glad you are also able to work on your R with your daughter as well. Hang in there.


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D11
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
9/20-present R attempt #2
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Focus on what is right for the child first and foremost, then you.
GF seems very unstable and there is no way you should marry her as things stand. You should write things down if there ever comes a time that you must fight for custody or even feel the need to pursue 100% full custody of this unborn child. What is her mental history and childhood like?

How exactly you should move on is up to you. It is a very special situation and I dont know the details well enough. Consider your values and all you have learned about people in the past few years and make a LOGICAL decision.
What do you need to take care of yourself and ALL of your children in the next 12-18 months?
You certainly dont NEED a GF, but your children all need a caring father AND a mother (given they are both mentally fit of course).


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by may22
Hi Wolfman,

I have a question about the divorce paper burning incident. Did she actually try to burn the papers? Or did she just threaten it? Not that either are healthy behaviors, but actually trying to burn them is very scary. Threatening with no real intent of going through with it is super unhealthy attention-seeking behavior, but at a different level.
.

She had the papers in her hand and was trying to get the bbq lighter to light. Thank god it didnít light. So, after trying to talk to her to stop and put it down I had to grab her arms and get her to drop them. I really felt like she was going to do it. And to make matters worse she was leaning on the gas stove and with her butt she turned the gas on. So now I was even more afraid with the gas running. I didnít want to touch her but I had no choice.

Originally Posted by Mumin
Focus on what is right for the child first and foremost, then you. What is her mental history and childhood like?

How exactly you should move on is up to you. It is a very special situation and I dont know the details well enough. Consider your values and all you have learned about people in the past few years and make a LOGICAL decision.

As far as her mental history at one point she suffered from depression from a break up. That was a year before we met. Like me she was messed up from her break up and was on antidepressants. We didnít talk about that until 6-7 months into dating. Right now we are going to therapy together to work on this, because we have a baby. I am not rushing the marriage thing, especially since I have everything to lose. I will not be forced into something I donít want. I said it before and I will say it again and I think Sandi said it too, she wasnít embarrassed to move in with me, but is embarrassed to have a baby and not be married? And if not married by the time the baby is born she will break up with me and be a single mom? Huh? Her logic confuses me.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 337
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
Right now we are going to therapy together to work on this, because we have a baby. I am not rushing the marriage thing, especially since I have everything to lose. I will not be forced into something I donít want.


Originally Posted by Wolfman
Her logic confuses me.



WM, your logic confuses me...

1 minute you dump her and agree with 95% of the posters that this is a run run run situation..

the next day, you are in therapy ?

If you arent confused, i am ?

What is it you want from all this ? Do you know ?

As you change your tune daily - i'm lost ?


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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I am starting to believe the wolfman is a troll.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
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So, your GF is 26 yrs old. She has no job and is freeloading, living with you, and emotionally blackmailing you into marriage. She decides cleaning the house and cooking is a wife's job, and since she doesn't hold that title, she's going to make things more uncomfortable until you marry her. It doesn't bother her that she is not contributing financially, and now she's not helping with chores. She's just going to lay around all day, waiting to have the baby. Lovely young woman you have there! Consider this as a preview of your future with her.

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She tells me the longer we are not married and she is pregnant her resentment grows for me.


Wolf, I don't think her resentment will stop, even if you marry her. I see a WW in the making here. It starts with holding deep resentment that she never lets go, then the disrespect comes. The fact that she is punishing you b/c you haven't agreed to immediately marry her........is a sign of more manipulation to come.

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As far as birth control neither of us were in charge. I never used anything. I know, I know risky. I was stupid because I was broken and not thinking clearly.


I had a feeling this was the case. Why on earth wouldn't a modern woman who is out there dating, not protect herself from pregnancy, not to mention STD? You say that you were broken and not thinking clearly. Even after the two of you were living together, you didn't stop to consider how fertile a 26 yr old woman is? I may be thinking of a different poster, but it seems I even mentioned how we've seen this happen to other LBH's who date, and the complications it can bring. Anyway, here you are in another pickle. Lean from this, Wolf. Are you ready to start life over with a younger family? I hope you start listening and thinking more clearly, or you are going to find yourself in another M with another wife who doesn't respect you. You are hoping to see the girl you saw when first dating, but she won't show up.

A big part of you feels morally obligated to marry her. Personally, I find it a bit difficult to feel sorry for her, b/c she's old enough to know you can't sleep around without some means of birth control. She was into the free sexual lifestyle, but now she wants to act like a girl in trouble back in the 1950's, and pushing marriage to save face. Today's society doesn't shun single women who are pregnant. The government gives much more free benefits to single mothers, than those who are married. Both of you are responsible for this child, but I don't think marriage is always the answer. Two wrongs don't equal one right. You can support the child, be in his life, just like you are doing with your other kids. You don't have to live with the mother, and you don't have to marry her. I caution you about the commitments you make to her. You are walking on thin ice.

Are the two of you having sex now, or has she cut that off, also? If not, that's next on her list. She won't have sex with you, if you don't agree to her terms. Don't say you haven't been warned. You are only seeing the tip of the iceberg.

Please stick with us, Wolf. It's concerning when you disappear. Let us know what's going on. ((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by MrBrside
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Right now we are going to therapy together to work on this, because we have a baby. I am not rushing the marriage thing, especially since I have everything to lose. I will not be forced into something I donít want.


Originally Posted by Wolfman
Her logic confuses me.



WM, your logic confuses me...

1 minute you dump her and agree with 95% of the posters that this is a run run run situation..

the next day, you are in therapy ?

If you arent confused, i am ?

What is it you want from all this ? Do you know ?

As you change your tune daily - i'm lost ?


Thatís just it, I am confused. Because I feel obligated now because we are having a child. Honestly, I am nervous how am I going to afford paying another child support. I am very confused, so I am sorry that I probably confuse all of you.

Originally Posted by LH19
I am starting to believe the wolfman is a troll.

Why would you say that? I have always tried to be honest and at times I get confused on what to do. My brain tells me one thing and my heart tells me another.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 606
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Sandi,
My GF just got a job. She started yesterday. I know the whole ďembarrassmentĒ thing is just to manipulate me into marriage. Yes she is punishing me by not doing her share anymore. I am just getting fed up with that.

ďyou start listening and thinking more clearly, or you are going to find yourself in another M with another wife who doesn't respect you. You are hoping to see the girl you saw when first dating, but she won't show up.Ē I know you are right. I am just so disappointed with myself. That I let this happen.

ďA big part of you feels morally obligated to marry her.Ē
I do. I feel like that is what I am suppose to do. Oh and another threat she has told me was if I donít marry her then why wonít have my last name.

ďAre the two of you having sex now, or has she cut that off, also? If not, that's next on her list.ď
We donít have it like we use to. It literally was everyday most twice a day. Now Iím lucky if itís once a week. She tells me she is not emotionally in the mood. Iím not making her feel ďgoodĒ.

I try to stick with you guys. There are some days I just get depressed. How did I let this happen? I was so emotional because of the d I wasnít thinking clearly. Thatís why you all told me not to date. I truly get that now. Let this be a lesson to the newbs here. I am also so worried how this will affect my kids? I am so worried my ex will try and brainwash them about the new child.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,554
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
I am also so worried how this will affect my kids? I am so worried my ex will try and brainwash them about the new child.

I understand you are overwhelmed with everything, but this is an obvious cognitive distortion (mind-reading your ex, assuming the worst) and shouldn't be consuming any of your precious emotional energy.

People have kids in new relationships, it happens.

Focus on the issues at hand.

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