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#2908009 11/09/20 04:59 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 609
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Started a new link. I might have to change the name because this will be more about my GF now than my ex. So we started to see a therapist. The last 2 weeks have been good between us. But I am so confused. This is where I need all of you. Oh and May keep posting here. I really don’t get offended. So, even though we are trying to work on the relationship there are some things that bother me. We have been living together for 9 months now. And during that time she did all the cooking (she lives to cook) and all the cleaning (very meticulous) in the home. I help with cooking on occasion and cleaning. I am the one working while she looks for a job. But ever since I broke up with her (that was for 3 days) we got back together and she said she should be acting more like a GF than a wife. And she stopped most of the cooking and cleaning. I know I messed up with breaking up with her while she is pregnant, so I have been trying real hard to show her love and affection. She told me I made her very insecure and she is nervous I could do that to her again. And she brings up that she is very embarrassed being pregnant and not married. So she is pushing me I to marriage because of the baby. I told her I think we should be working on the relationship to make sure we have a solid foundation before we take that next step. She tells me the longer we are not married and she is pregnant her resentment grows for me. I am so confused, I do love this woman and now excited about having a child, but I am so scared of going through another divorce. I am just scared in general, I never want to go through that again. She has also become less affectionate towards me. I told her that, that bothers me, that she is holding it back almost like a punishment. She said what is she supposed to do, that she is not happy about being pregnant and not married. I said I am trying to show her everyday how much I love her and care, and she just stares that’s not enough anymore, she needs a “commitment”. I told her we live together and are committed, and if things get better we will get married. But she has hinted she doesn’t want to wait, and that she might leave. To me, how does that make sense? She is embarrassed about being pregnant and not married but would rather break up and be alone and have a baby than be with the father. What to do? So confused. I hope this all makes sense.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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Oh boy. The worst thing you could do is marry her. It is almost a guarantee of a future 2nd D. Look at 2nd marriage D statistics, and look at divorce statistics for couples that married after a pregnancy. They ain't good.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
She tells me the longer we are not married and she is pregnant her resentment grows for me.


Originally Posted by Wolfman
I said I am trying to show her everyday how much I love her and care, and she just stares that’s not enough anymore, she needs a “commitment”. I told her we live together and are committed, and if things get better we will get married. But she has hinted she doesn’t want to wait, and that she might leave.


First she sets fire to documents..

Then starts with the emotional blackmail..

WM, your emotions are running wild - The above is NOT healthy - Its bunny boiler type stuff -

Do you think these actions will go away once you are married ? WTF

BIG HUGE MASSIVE red flags flying here - Woooo - Look at me... Big red flag

Seriously, not a healthy woman - YOU were broken after the ex wife - ... Broken people attract Broken people.. Look at the consequences.. Only you can fix this mess - and its not by getting married to another broken person..That becomes toxic..

Have you started to work on your relationship with your other children ?


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
.... this will be more about my GF now than my ex. So we started to see a therapist.
Glad to hear.

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... But I am so confused. This is where I need all of you....I told her I think we should be working on the relationship to make sure we have a solid foundation before we take that next step....What to do? So confused. I hope this all makes sense.
It makes sense to me. She will test you. Pass the test.

Do you have your list of non-negotiables?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Isn't your GF 20 yrs younger than you? It's pretty obvious in her actions and what she says.

Look, she had no qualms about dating you before you were D from your W. She had no qualms about sleeping with you, or moving in with you. Right? So, when she says she is embarrassed to be pregnant and single........don't believe it. She is a girl looking for a secured future with a guy who has a good income. I don't think she's going to be in any hurry to get a job, b/c she'll expect you to take care of her.

Yes, she is certainly punishing you by not cooking and keeping the house (if she's physically able). I think it will get worse. She's playing games, to apply enough pressure to get you to the alter. If you marry her, your life will radically change for the worse, and I'm not talking about the baby. I'm talking about what kind of woman she will become. You will see a side of her you didn't know was there. The persona you saw when you first moved in together, is not the real person. Don't be one of these men who gets stuck with a woman, thinking one day maybe she'll be like the girl before the M. Her behavior toward you has been changing ever since she announced the pregnancy. You better take it as a serious warning, Wolf. Between your XW and GF, and the problems it's going to cause with your daughter having such a young step-mother........your life will never be free of drama.

May I ask which one of you were responsible for birth control when you started sleeping together? I think your answer is important.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
And during that time she did all the cooking (she lives to cook) and all the cleaning (very meticulous) in the home. I help with cooking on occasion and cleaning. I am the one working while she looks for a job. But ever since I broke up with her (that was for 3 days) we got back together and she said she should be acting more like a GF than a wife. And she stopped most of the cooking and cleaning.


What kind of bizarre logic is that? She thinks a live-in girlfriend doesn't cook and clean, only a wife does? I'm with MrB, sounds like emotional blackmail. Red flag. And not only that, but she didn't bother talking to you about it first, which is another huge red flag. She just decided to withdraw her love and support of you without warning.

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I know I messed up with breaking up with her while she is pregnant, so I have been trying real hard to show her love and affection.


Why? The whole reason you broke up with her is because she was being cold and distant, if you shower her with love and affection you are REWARDING her bad behavior! So now you're trying twice as hard and she's trying half as hard, what does that tell you about her investment in this R?

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She told me I made her very insecure and she is nervous I could do that to her again.


Your response should be "I'm willing to work on this R with you, but if you don't try then yes, breaking up is always a possibility." She SHOULD be nervous it could happen again, it should give her incentive to work at keeping you.

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And she brings up that she is very embarrassed being pregnant and not married. So she is pushing me I to marriage because of the baby. I told her I think we should be working on the relationship to make sure we have a solid foundation before we take that next step.


You are 100% correct. Don't forget, a few weeks ago you were asking us for advice on how to get her out of the house. Now you want advice on how to keep her there. My advice has not changed, I still think she needs to live somewhere else while the two of you work on things. Living together is NOT WORKING, and I think you would see that if you could take the rose-colored glasses off for a moment.

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She tells me the longer we are not married and she is pregnant her resentment grows for me.


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She has also become less affectionate towards me.


How many red flags do you need before you see how dysfunctional this R is?

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But she has hinted she doesn’t want to wait, and that she might leave.


Best thing that could happen in my opinion. I'd help her pack. Like I said in the last thread, since she's pregnant with your baby (at least as far as you know) then I would suggest supporting her to some extent until she can get established. But talk to a lawyer to make sure you're not setting some kind of support precedent that you may not be able to get out of.

She's not the prize here. YOU are the prize. Start acting like it!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Hey Wolf!

My advice is to do everything you can for your GF and your baby that's on the way! Congrats by the way.

I can 100% understand her resentment, and her wanting to be married, especially while pregnant. But, if she is that serious, well we all know how babies are made. Her actions don't match her philosophy, but emotions can make hypocrites of us all so it's not like I don't get that either.

It looks like you're getting lots of good advice, so the only other thing I'll say is to just end the whirlwind. Be mentally strong. You've been in the whirlwind for a couple years now. Get out!


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
]I know I messed up with breaking up with her while she is pregnant, so I have been trying real hard to show her love and affection.


Wait....you broke up with her. But you are the one trying to show her love and affection?! That is some crap there.

You did the right thing breaking up with her. There is no law that says you have to be the father of her baby AND remain in a relationship with her.

You are making the same mistakes you made before. And where are you spending time with your kids in all of this? They already didn't like your GF for splitting your attention and now you are hyper-focused on her.

Wolf, look, it is simple. You can continue living your life trying to please every woman you fall in love with. Or you can become the man you should be and the father you should be. This will be my final words on your sitch. If you marry this woman then you don't have a brain in your freaking skull.

Best of luck to you.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
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Quote
I told her we live together and are committed, and if things get better we will get married. But she has hinted she doesn’t want to wait, and that she might leave. To me, how does that make sense?
It doesn't. It is not logic speaking. It is emotions.


How do you respond to this? Not emotionally, you use logic. Example: Coming up with your list of what you require in a relationship. But boundaries in place so that you have clear understanding of how you will behave when they get crossed. This has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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