Women get more notifications or messages for a few reasons:
Numbers - I think OLD still skews more men than women although I imagine that is evening out a bit.
Tradition - women are conditioned not to approach men first, I know many women who will not contact a guy first even in OLD, which I think is silly but is pretty common. This would obviously result in more first contacts from men to women. (Bumble being set up as the exception to this rule I guess?)
Fishing - many men appear to not even read profiles but just cast a wide net and look to see who responds. You can usually tell because their initial message says NOTHING relative to your profile, sometimes just "Sup?". Some are just hoping for a quick hookup, some can't be bothered to do the work of reading profiles and actually seeing if you might have anything in common. I guess that's why I liked OKC, because the profiles were pretty in depth (there were several prompts) and the questionnaire you filled out resulted in pretty good matching on the algorithm.
Also - women get a huge number of likes when they first come online because a swarm of men are waiting out there for the fresh meat and automatically contact anyone new. Again, if their first message didn't mention anything unique to my profile I ignored them.
I agree KML. I definitely try to weed the trollers out pretty quickly. I always mention something about the person’s profile (because I read them all) and it definitely stands out in my head if they don’t - especially if they ask me a question that was answered in the profile. Not that I dismiss them immediately but it does usually equate to a “strike one”.
I also think it is silly for women to not want to make the first move. I’m fine with it. Bumble is interesting in that regard. My only complaint about that one is that once you swipe right, you only have 24 hours to message them and then they only have 24 hours to respond otherwise the “match” disappears. Timing is everything and with my luck, I’d message someone when they were out camping or something…lol.
The paramedic I have a date with has been in contact with me since our first discussion. He invited me to text him anytime and that his phone is always in his pocket on vibrate. Noted…lol. I didn’t contact him the day after we talked but yesterday messaged him a question (part of a joke) and he got back to me immediately. We then traded a few dumb dad jokes and had a brief conversation before we both had to get back to work. He texted me again just after dinner to ask me how my day was. I didn’t see it right away so texted him a reply 40 minutes later that my SD21 was over for a visit so the atmosphere is the house was loud and fun. I asked him how his day went and he said it went well and then said he just wanted to say “hello” and not bother me while I was spending time with my kids. Normally I would have said no bother and carried on the conversation because the kids were spending time together in my D13’s room (sibling time) but I just thanked him for saying hello and told him to have a good night. I am trying not to have too many long conversations. Just want to avoid the awkwardness that can occur when you build a connection online and then there is no attraction in person.
Anyway…hopefully things go well on Sunday but if they don’t, I won’t be crushed. I’m really not looking to get into a relationship with anyone unless it feels really, really right. I definitely feel like I’ve learned some good lessons since I started dating so definitely going to be heeding those going forward.
Well…just when I was starting to think that XH had changed, he does something to remind me that he is exactly the person he has always been. What is that parable about the frog and the scorpion? The frog asks the scorpion why he stung him after making a deal that he wouldn’t and the scorpion says “because it is my nature”. Yep…that explains XH. It is in his nature to lie - either outright or by omission. Makes no difference… a lie is a lie and he has proven to me, once again, that I can’t trust him. I do not know why I ever give him the benefit of the doubt.
So the latest… when XH and I divorced, he made a point of writing in our agreement that I had an expensive couch (about $9,000 new) and an expensive pool table to justify him wanting to keep our boat. Anyway, when I agreed to sell him my half of the house, I asked him if he wanted the couch because my kids liked it and I know that he did too. He said absolutely and even texted me last week that he and OW were grateful for the things I left behind. Imagine my surprise when I stopped by there today to give my son his cell phone and the couch was not in the living room. I asked him if he had sold it and he said he had. I told him he should have told me he didn’t want it because I would have taken it or sold it myself. He said he didn’t realize that and then basically ran away - probably because he knows what a d-bag move that was. If he truly had no idea like he claims, he would have offered me the money he made off selling it but I guess he wanted to hang onto the title of Kind of Douchebag Land that AS gave him. He took advantage of my kindness and literally stole it from me. He’s made a career of that so I guess I’m an idiot for expecting him to be any different now that he’s “happy”.
CLEARLY, he had never intended to keep it which is why there was already brand new replacement furniture in the living room and he has only been there a week. Even IF this was a decision he made shortly after moving in (which I doubt), the right thing to do would have been to let me know that they had decided to get different furniture and give me the option of keeping it or selling it myself. But he didn’t do that because doing the right thing is just not in his wheelhouse. And this is my kids’ role model. I thought we were doing really well and now I realize that it is just a facade. If he has the opportunity to rip me off or take advantage of my trusting nature, he will. It is just so disappointing. It’s not even about the money. It’s that I devoted 14 years of my life to someone who could do that to the mother of his children. It is just so upsetting.
I think it's nice of him to give you a reminder of why you are glad to be rid of him!!! I was actually grateful to my ex for being such a jerk in the last years of our marriage that when he finally left I was pretty much over it.
And yes, that was a d... move - he should have offered it back to you or given you the money from the sale. Lesson learned - no more being nice to the scorpion. (Although, to be fair, you didn't ask him for the money - I would have!)
You're definitely better off without him. This will keep you from having those moments of being envious of OW. Real prize she got!
Well… XH texted me an apology and an explanation that they had ordered the upstairs furniture weeks ago before I had offered the couch. He says they tried to move it downstairs but it was too big. He said he was going to tell me but then got really busy with moving in and that OW is struggling with her health again and needing to go for more tests so he’s been preoccupied and just didn’t get around to it. He then texted me half of the money he says he got for it. Not sure if I fully believe him but I’m choosing to let it go for the sake of the kids. It was a good reminder though KML.
Oh…forgot…update on my meeting with the paramedic. He was a super nice guy but I wasn’t attracted to him in a romantic way. Judging from the text he sent me afterwards, he was definitely more into me than I was to him which kinda sux. I really wanted to be attracted to him. Anyway… I thanked him for the coffee and told him I hoped he had a good day at work the next day and left it at that.
DejaVu, "King of Douchebag Land" certainly fits. There's really no other side to a choice like his.
The big question--how did it go with the firefighter?! I'm hoping not mentioning him means it went VERY well and you're embarrassed to tell us all the juicy details. You're XH is an X so it's okay to enjoy life again. (:
Oh…forgot…update on my meeting with the paramedic. He was a super nice guy but I wasn’t attracted to him in a romantic way.
Aww, sorry to hear that. Sometimes we can just tell in a few minutes. Other times, attraction grows (or shrinks) as we see people in different clothes, in their element, under different circumstances.
So…update time. I’ve been chatting with a local guy… 45 years old, nice looking, tall, doesn’t drink or do drugs, has a full time stable job and puts his extra overtime money into a travel fund or RRSP’s. Divorced since 2014. No kids. No pets. No drama. He likes to fish and play hockey. He even has a timeshare in Vegas!!! What?!? It’s like I found a unicorn…lol. He is also a super respectful tester. Doesn’t disappear - tells me when he has to sign off and why. He contacts me every other day to tell me to have a great day and we chat a bit before he has to go to sleep. He’s in the middle of a marathon of graveyard shifts which ends Sunday so I think we will probably get together for coffee or something like that when he has a day off. Unless I have found another guy who wants to text forever and not actually meet. I don’t think so but you never know.
Speaking of guys who just want to text forever… I hadn’t heard from Brook for a month and then all of a sudden last night, he texts me a link to a story about a store that had burned down (an iconic ice cream store that anyone from my hometown has fond memories of) and how sad it was. I returned his text to let him know I had heard and that I agreed it was really sad. He said he hoped they would rebuild and I sent him crossed fingers emojis and left it at that. Who knows if I will hear from him again. Not worried about it as I have given up on the idea of us having anything beyond an online friendship. Don’t know why it is so scary for him to have a coffee with someone he clearly had a spark with a year ago but it is what it is. We haven’t had any face-to-face contact since then with the exception of when we ran into each other so this is definitely all about him and not a personal rejection. Not going to speculate. Clearly timing is again an issue. I’ve decided that I’m leaving the door open but not walking through it myself. That’s up to him now. If he wants to actually meet in person some day, he has my number. If I’m seeing someone else by that time, it will be his loss.
Anyway.. that’s the latest in DV Land. Going to an outside get together at the home of the couple who were supposed to be going to Croatia with me. Just me, my sister, my BIL and my kids (and the dogs too) and them and their daughter. Everyone has been vaccinated so it should be pretty safe. Only three new cases on the island yesterday. 83 active cases in a population of 1,000,000. Three people in hospital and one in critical care. 75% of the adults have had at least one shot of vaccine. It’s working!!! Gonna be a great summer!!! (((HUGS))) to all!!!
