Persistent Endurance (Part 8)

[MrBrside]

I asked her a couple months ago if she wanted to sleep in our bed. She only responded no. A few weeks later she was talking about her plans for her affair house which led to a relationship talk. I asked if she’s happy. She said no and others have asked her but she doesn’t know why while crying. I said you’ve never said that you want us or a better marriage. She said she’s tried and she doesn’t know what’s wrong. She needs more time and feels like I set these deadlines. Like Labor Day when I asked her to sleep in our bed. She said she’s not going to sleep together and give me false hope or fake it. I said I don’t want her to fake it either. She won’t be guilted into doing something she doesn’t want to do. She said you can’t always fix everything. She said she’s broken and asked why I can’t let things be. I said I can’t live this way the rest of our lives. She said she has no desire for me and the last time she did was 4 years ago. She said the way I didn’t help out after our daughter was born may have started it. I asked if she thought I was impatient and she replied yes. I said I get it and asked if there are any positives about me. She said that she likes that I do the laundry (now there’s some real value).

One word sums this up - Pursuit.. It was what you wanted, not her

I reflected back on this exchange and really listened to what she was telling me which can be simply summarized that she doesn’t want me. I took my ring off and boxed it up. It’s not a marriage when only one person’s heart is in it.

With all due respect Curtis, you dont listen - you cherry pick ! - Our sitch dates are weeks apart.. The line above is pretty much standard introduction stuff on this board - and nearly 2 years later and it has finally hit home ?

I don’t pressure her anymore. In many ways her behavior is back to what I remember. I haven’t verified her NC with OM but her actions show me that the NC is real. She has distanced herself from widowed BFF as she felt used by her. She remains in contact with divorced BFF, but not as often as she is settling in with a new BF. W is kind to me, but maybe a bit more selfish. Occasionally she goes out of her way to do things for me or that I would like. She talks about future plans and we work on home improvement projects together. She seems content with our current situation as is. W does not see an IC so I can only surmise she is trying to work through her issues internally.

Sounds like cake eating here.. Security that you bring - and close to the beloved horse.. WIth zero interest in you or the relationship.

I wanted so badly to be a success story here. To prove that people can change for the better, work through their problems, and build a better marriage.

Sorry - it was never going to happen in the way you wanted it to. You cherry picked the bits that suited you and ignored any advice that didnt tick your boxes. A lot of helpful people have given you a lot of their time and assistance trying to help you - But you only chose to listen to the advice that you wanted to listen to - like 10% if that. Without coming across too harsh, In some ways, you are a success story.. As you are a great example to other LBS's of what happens if you just continue to pressure, persue and ignore advice - 2 years later nothing changes.. Think of where you could be now if you had followed advice 2 years ago - 2 years of living in limbo.. What a waste of 2 years of a life.

Maybe that will happen for me, maybe it won’t. I’ll be fine either way. My W not showing that she wants to R after living here for so many months has made this all much more difficult. I still love her and see things from a different perspective now on how damaged she was/is. Sometimes I look at her and feel anger at how her choices made me feel. However, these flashbacks are fading over time.

You have just stated you dont want to file. You are living in limbo but dont have the **&* to do anything about it.. Hence i wouldnt be suprised if you were still in this situation in another 2 years.. WW using you - not loving you - oh and still with the horse.

I keep busy with S9’s baseball, D6’s softball, working out, and projects around the house. I’ll read a relationship or self improvement book now and then as a refresher and to prevent backsliding on my hard earned changes. These are crazy times. I’d like to take the family on a trip, even for a long weekend, but it seems unlikely before the holidays.

Changes - you still havent dropped the rope and are hanging onto hope.. This is the biggest change you need to make !!! - you dont need a self improvement book to do that !

I was reluctant to post here until I was in firmly in reconciliation or divorced bc I was hit with so many 2x4’s (deserved btw) for not DB.

But you have neither.. ? You are still hoping for reconciliation - and dont want to D ?

[LH19]

C,

So Mr B covered most of it but I saw you referenced me in thread and wanted to clarify. When I said it will take years I meant years of separation and typically D. I could go on and on and you can read a million relationship books but the bottom line is it comes down to one word "respect". Again posted to exhaustion on this website but typically ignored. No respect = no knooky for you.

So two years later you really only have 2 choices. Divorce and move on or come to an agreement where you are together for the kids so there are no expectations continue in separate rooms. Right now because of COVID you have received a pardon from the governor on your stay of execution. If/once COVID ends she will be on tne hunt again for your replacement and there are going to be plenty of low life OMs available.

Hope the kids are doing well.

[Steve_]

Damn Curtis. I get some of the references now. Your sitch is rough. I was on the exact same road your on. 2 months I did all the things you did then OM drop last week, still did more to cherry pick and give myself hope. When she took our kids over there a couple days ago with OM that did it for me. I’m glad it did. I haven’t spoke to her since unless it’s business. I have given up on what i was doing. My son called my from her apartment last nite crying that he missed me. My stbxw blames me for not calling him. We let them do this to us. My NGS wanted to talk to her and comfort her she was crying to. When i talked to my son and we were done she put the phone back toward her i just hung up. We let them string us along. The reason she doesn’t want you Curtis is because she has you. She never lost you man. My W made a joke when I got served D papers “we can always get remarried, you would marry me again I know it” while I stood there and fought tears. This was A month ago she already was with OM. . I took it as hope, I see it now as utter disrespect.

I’m telling you that I would be in your shoes in two years, friend zoned and tolerated. Because of steve85, LH, Cwarrior telling me how this will play out if I continue, and her breaking the last piece of my heart hurting the kids this way I had to stop. My sitch seemed salvageable to me at first i garuntee if i kept the way i was recon would never ever happen. I’ve done everything for her to make it easy to come back in the past 2 months and she has not. Your getting positive signs but your messing them up by being so available having R talks, going down cheeseless tunnels. If you don’t value yourself, respect yourself and stop trying to make her love you this won’t ever change man. I don’t know you but I was just like you until I hit rock bottom a couple day’s ago. Give in to the end man. There will never be a new chapter unless you close this book. Draw a line in the sand and be man enough to stand behind it or you will just keep hurting yourself. Don’t backslide on self respect. Then you can begin to DB later. I thought I was DBing but I wasn’t. I will take months of me just radio silencing her and GAL and LRT before she maybe processes one tiny shard of reality and that’s okay with me time is on my side and I don’t know if you are of faith but I feel like god is on my side too. Curtis She will never, ever, ever, process the loss as long as she hasn’t lost you man. Don’t be afraid, you can do it. We can do it.

[SteveLW]

curtis, not going to 2x4 you. You went your own way, which is fine, it is your sitch! A lot of 2x4s are because folks come here wanting to DB, wanting advice, then completely ignore the advice and do not DB. It frustrates those that are providing guidance. You not posting on the forum for so long to me said your decision was to try to save your marriage in your own manner rather than DBing. As I said above, that is your right.

My prayer for you is that I sincerely hope you can look back with minimal regrets and move on. Your W feels stuck because of the kids. Likely she isn't completely NC with the OM. Or if she is there will be an OM4 shortly. Your sitch is a ticking timebomb to the point where she just no longer cares about how it affects the kids and she pulls the trigger on separation and D. It is a very common path though some WASs take it very slowly.

Hang in there curtis. You clearly are not happy with the way things are, but likely this woman is never going to give you more than she currently is. You need to brace yourself for the next shoe to drop.

[curtis7]

You are living in limbo but dont have the **&* to do anything about it.

You’re right. I came here to save my MR as did most of us. You chose a different path and perhaps I would be happy if I was D too. Sure, at times I feel like I’ve wasted 2 years of my life. I also take pride that I stood for my MR and honored my commitment even through the worst of times. I believe in forgiveness and that the most important person in your life deserves a second chance. I’ve needed a few myself.

So two years later you really only have 2 choices. Divorce and move on or come to an agreement where you are together for the kids so there are no expectations continue in separate rooms.

I’m an optimist and see a third option where she gets over the past, forgives herself, and chooses to try again.

There are many LBS here that are divorced and seem jaded against cheaters and for good reason considering the pain they inflict. I do have a question for former WWs and LBS that have R after EAs/PAs. How long did it take between the WW/WAS initiating NC and moving through A withdrawal until a firm commitment was made to R?

Your getting positive signs but your messing them up by being so available having R talks, going down cheeseless tunnels. If you don’t value yourself, respect yourself and stop trying to make her love you this won’t ever change man.

I disagree, my sitch has changed. I shared with my W almost 2 years ago that my 3 biggest fears in our MR were:
1. Not loving me - check
2. Moving out - check
3. Having an affair - check, check, check
All of those fears were realized. The past 2 years have royally sucked. Now, she has moved home and ended the affairs. That’s progress in my view. So, that leaves regaining respect so that she might love me again. No small feat.

curtis, not going to 2x4 you. You went your own way, which is fine, it is your sitch! A lot of 2x4s are because folks come here wanting to DB, wanting advice, then completely ignore the advice and do not DB. It frustrates those that are providing guidance. You not posting on the forum for so long to me said your decision was to try to save your marriage in your own manner rather than DBing. As I said above, that is your right.

Steve, I appreciate your take on my sitch. I certainly have chosen my own path. My W telling me that she has been unhappy for 4 years lends me to believe she’s been in MLC for quite some time. When I joined the forum I was told she was WW and not in MLC, but that’s besides the point. I don’t care what you call it.

W had multiple PAs and neglected our kids. She regularly tells me how she sees herself aging and has invested a lot of time and effort into keeping a younger look. She validated that all kinds of men are attracted to her especially those that didn’t care she was married. She’ll be 40 soon and I see her coming to grips with that fact. She is back to prioritizing our children and to me seems to be slowly exiting the fog.

I’m not happy living this way indefinitely and don’t know what will be the ultimate catalyst for the next shoe to drop from one of us.

[LH19]

Ok Curtis I can see this is how it’s gonna go so I’ll make this my last post. We are not necessarily bitter against affairs we just realized that these WWs aren’t worth the BS. Their broken and they don’t want to fix themselves and there is many other amazing people in the world who see our value. Most important we know are own value.

Here is typical Curtis. My W was misdiagnosed she’s in MLC. Again Curtis 6 years here and your W is hands down the worst WW I’ve seen. Though news Steve’s W is a close second.

Your W will never see you more then a platonic roommate. That I can promise you. You can wait another 100 years for her MLC (LH eye roll) to be over.

I just hope your kids survive this with minimum damage.

[SteveLW]

There are many LBS here that are divorced and seem jaded against cheaters and for good reason considering the pain they inflict. I do have a question for former WWs and LBS that have R after EAs/PAs. How long did it take between the WW/WAS initiating NC and moving through A withdrawal until a firm commitment was made to R?

I am not D'd. My W had an EA not a PA. Yet I am still jaded against cheaters. Especially, MULTIPLE OFFENDERS!! Your W has 3 OM. Likely on the prowl for OM #4 (or at least just another "right opportunity" away from a #4). And yet you give us a list like this:

"1. Not loving me - check
2. Moving out - check
3. Having an affair - check, check, check"

And then this:

"I’m an optimist and see a third option where she gets over the past, forgives herself, and chooses to try again."

Here is my question for you curtis. Why is your self-esteem so low that you could let someone treat you this way for this long without finally saying "enough is enough" and taking decisive action to move your own life forward?!

And LH nailed it with your kids. I am about as anti-D as they come, but your children watching this for this long is going to have lasting effects on how they view relationships, and will potentially set them up for toxic, bad relationships in their own lives. So while you are holding on tight, hoping for her to magically wake up from her fog (insert a giant Steve85 eyeroll along with LH), the damage that is being done to your children, potentially irreversible, is concerning. At some point curtis you have to stop wanting what you want so badly, and think about them.

And spare me the "oh they don't know what is going on" speech. Kids are way more perceptive about this stuff then you could ever imagine.

[SteveLW]

One last thing on MLCs. If it truly is an MLC.....sometimes MLCs are for the rest of their life! So sitting and waiting for it to magically end may be a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG wait.

[Ginger1]

How exactly are you gaining respect???

[ovrrnbw]

Hey Curtis,

glad to see you posting again. Hopefully you can help out some of the people here because you've been through plenty and know a lot at this point.

Everything sounds rough, so I hope you and the kids are well. You don't have to be a stranger, everyone wants to support you they just find it hard to see you going through such a tough time.

Choose happiness my friend!