In the Love is Tough book, Dobson discusses some of the issues the victim of an affair deals with: Anxiety, fear, insomnia. It felt validating to read but that doesn't solve the problem. I'm barely getting enough sleep. A night like last night when she comes in and stirs the pot right before I go to bed definitely hurts in the sleep department and I've been waking up every day between 4a-5a and not able to get back to sleep.
The good news is that around 5:30am (since I'm up anyways) I've been heading to the gym, but I look forward to this phase passing. I've got a call with my Divorce Busters coach in 15 minutes so that should be interesting to get some advice as we go into tonight.
I'm not feeling tip top today, so that call should go a long ways towards orienting my thinking and mindset.
Okay. So, first, my divorce busters coach said I did nothing wrong (which I knew, but its good to be reinforced) by talking with my son about his grandfathers (her dad) dementia. He's my son, it was a good moment. I NEED TO STOP APOLOGIZING for things like this, and stop using the word "sorry" period. That should be reserved for immoral, sinful, wrong actions. This is a challenge for me. I remember when I was young believing the two most powerful phrases in the english language were "I Love You" and "I'm Sorry." I need to strip the later from my language and reserve it. That will take some work, but its good work.
My coach said that I have done great work. Since he started working with me, I've changed dramatically. He said that she has acknowledged that I've changed and deep down, the reality is, whether she expresses it or not, she knows she is making a mistake.
He gave me some thoughts on the conversation for tonight and without going into to much detail he said to focus on gratitude (for how she has motivated me to grow) and work to validate and understand as we go through the documents.
Some other things we discussed were that I have got to stop accepting blame.
A great line he dropped was "Change is inevitable, but growth is optional and intentional."
Another point he made was that I need to understand that I am leaving her behind. For her to stay in the relationship, she would need to grow and catch up. She may be making the decision, but I'm growing and improving. I've become more feeling, more vulnerable, and more authentic. I still have work to do, but my next relationship is going to be so much better because of all the work she has motivated me to do.
Anyhow, thought I would share. I continue to appreciate the advice of the DB coaches. I think they really do a good job of doing good work.
I love what he said about saying "I am sorry". That is why I try to get LBSs to not say it when the WAS is upset that you didn't respond to them immediately. A lot of people want to respond with "Sorry, was busy." NO, just say "I was busy." No need to apologize for being busy!
Good update Scott. Remember what you've learned from your DB coach. Apply it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Good stuff Scotty B. Your coach is a smart man and you need to trust the process. Add David Coggins to your future readings. He talks how you have to be dragged through $hit to grow.
A couple years from now.
Exwife: Scotty B I am sorry I think I made a mistake Scotty B: I am sorry. It's not that easy anymore.
Then she has catch up to EARN another chance with you.
AS - I agree with everything you said. I won't sign anything without my attorney reviewing it, but if she does move out that document will begin to govern some of the separation. We are meeting with our mediator two days after she moves out so I will plan on running that by her (she is an attorney).
Perfect. Sounds like you are keeping a cool head and doing all the right things. Keep it up.
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All the people who would call her on this are out of her life. Its incredible. They left when she had the affair. And the ones that called her on it, she ostracized them. Again, she won't tell her sister - I'm wondering when that shoe drops.
The old saying "blood is thicker than water" definitely applies when it comes to waywards and their families. A lot of LBS's are shocked to see their cheating spouse still warmly embraced and supported by their family when they expected the family to revolt against the cheater and call them out for it. Never underestimate the wayward's power to spin scenarios to make everything sound like the LBS's fault though. "I've been suffering in silence for years, his neglect and psychological abuse became too much for me to bear, it forced me into the arms of a loving, caring, respectful gentleman!" Blah blah blah the lies pour forth so easily, and as they find a receptive audience it feeds the "lie machine" even more. Our advice on this is always the same- be the better person. Don't fight/ argue/ reason/ plead with the WW or her family. Simply conduct yourself with dignity at all times and let the lies run off of you like the proverbial water off a duck's back. ACTIONS not words. Her words (lies) will never, ever trump your integrity and dignity. People will see that, even her closest family.
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“When are we going to discuss telling the kids? Are you avoiding me? Should we just do this over email?” I said that I was trying to give her space and that we could talk about it tomorrow night.
Great response! You didn't let her bait you into a fight. You explained your actions and responded with a suggested date.
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She also said we were telling them on Friday because that’s what I wanted. I said i thought we were telling them Saturday. And she chirped well you wanted Friday and left. So I’ve got that going on tomorrow night, thoughts or advice?
Yeah she's full steam ahead on the WW train. This is such typical behavior. It may change in the future, but for now this is what you're dealing with.
As far as thoughts on the discussion, I agree with LH about focusing on the kids and letting them know this is not their fault. Can't remember if I suggested this already in your thread, but do tell them you both love them and will remain their parents no matter what and will always be there to support them. No need to get into a lot of detail about the separation other than explaining that you are separating and that they will be going back and forth. Ask them if they have any questions. When XW and I had this discussion with our kids most of their questions were about logistics. Whether they would have their own rooms at her new place, what days they would be switching back and forth, etc. Surprisingly they didn't ask anything about why we were separating or what the recon possibilities were. XW and I had discussed that first and if they asked we planned on telling them that we were going to counseling (true) and trying to work things out (not really true, just one of us was!)
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In the Love is Tough book, Dobson discusses some of the issues the victim of an affair deals with: Anxiety, fear, insomnia. It felt validating to read but that doesn't solve the problem. I'm barely getting enough sleep.
Yeah it's pretty typical. In my opinion it's worse while remaining under the same roof. Once she moves out you'll be lonely but you'll actually find it easier to manage. I am the last person to recommend meds for anything, but if you're going through anxiety and/ or depression then do consider discussing it with your PCP. I thought I was doing OK and then about a month after S I suddenly fell into deep depression, which I had never experienced before. It's not just a matter of "snapping out of it", it's very much an illness that has to be addressed. I was evaluated by my PCP and he put me on A/D's and an anti-anxiety med. The anti-anxiety med helped me sleep better almost right away. The A/D's took a couple of weeks to reach full efficacy but once they did I went from having dark thoughts of suicide and thinking life was over to being almost my normal pre-BD self. They really saved my life. I took them a few months and then (while consulting my PCP) weaned off of them slowly. I've never had depression since, even going through D and all.
Good stuff Scotty B. Your coach is a smart man and you need to trust the process. Add David Coggins to your future readings. He talks how you have to be dragged through $hit to grow..
I think you meant David Goggins, but maybe not. I loved Living With SEAL, that book was hysterical and full of good stuff. Goggins is one crazy dude who overcame a lot. He's pretty raw and I don't agree with everything he says but he's got some good perspectives.
She wants to leave, I would insist she tells them the details.
Originally Posted by LH19
Answer their questions the best that you can and validate their feelings.
Agree. Validating their feelings is important. Most people dismiss other peoples feelings.
You use TRUTH STATMENTS: "I love you. Mom loves you." "Mom and dad are dealing with some adult issues." "I want everyone to be happy"
Personally, I would not plant any seeds. From my research, using statements like "It's not your fault" still plants a seed that it is their fault.
Here is an adult example:
W:"Where are you going?" H:"Don't worry about it."
Do you think she will worry?
Also, my PCP prescribed me some amazing sleeping pills. Took them for about a month. I would take a pill, 30 minutes later fall asleep. 8 hours wake up. They were so hepful. A/D meds for a short period. Took the edge off. I was able to be more logical rather than emotional. Melatonin also helps with sleep. Telling yourself "I will worry about that tomorrow". A notbook next to the bed to write down things to worry about later also helps. There is also the "Stop sign" technique to calm your thoughts. Slowly count from 100 to zer0 by 3s and repeat also helps.Sometimes I don't get to 80. With every breath out, relax part of your body, start at the top and work to your toes.(Scalp,forehead,eyelids,jaw,shoulders, arms,hands,fingers,belly, legs, feet, toes:Add in other areas if needed).
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
She wants to leave, I would insist she tells them the details.
Originally Posted by LH19
Answer their questions the best that you can and validate their feelings.
Agree. Validating their feelings is important. Most people dismiss other peoples feelings.
You use TRUTH STATMENTS: "I love you. Mom loves you." "Mom and dad are dealing with some adult issues." "I want everyone to be happy"
Personally, I would not plant any seeds. From my research, using statements like "It's not your fault" still plants a seed that it is their fault.
Here is an adult example:
W:"Where are you going?" H:"Don't worry about it."
Do you think she will worry?
Also, my PCP prescribed me some amazing sleeping pills. Took them for about a month. I would take a pill, 30 minutes later fall asleep. 8 hours wake up. They were so hepful. A/D meds for a short period. Took the edge off. I was able to be more logical rather than emotional. Melatonin also helps with sleep. Telling yourself "I will worry about that tomorrow". A notbook next to the bed to write down things to worry about later also helps. There is also the "Stop sign" technique to calm your thoughts. Slowly count from 100 to zer0 by 3s and repeat also helps.Sometimes I don't get to 80. With every breath out, relax part of your body, start at the top and work to your toes.(Scalp,forehead,eyelids,jaw,shoulders, arms,hands,fingers,belly, legs, feet, toes:Add in other areas if needed).
When I can't sleep I chalk it up to allergies and take some benadryl!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
