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#2907699 11/05/20 02:35 AM
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Dear Brothers and Sisters,

I have followed your hurting and healing from afar, these many months. I have found so much wisdom here and it has been a tremendous help in getting me to where I am. I thank you!

I wanted to give something back to you. Right before this started, God gave me the gift of writing. I see now how He prepared me to express myself during this time of suffering. It's made all the difference.

What I envision this thread to be, is that every few days I will share a poem, prefaced with some background of what inspired it. My hope is that people will respond with anything that it inspires them to share. All my writing is informed by my faith; but I hope that all of you find something in it that is helpful.

Having said all that, I'm not going to begin with a poem, but a description of my bomb drop.

Zero Hour

It’s a nice summer day. We go on a walk in our favorite neighborhood near downtown, in our small North Carolina city. We’ve been looking for a house in this neighborhood for two years. As we are walking, I see a For Sale sign in front of the house we like the best. I can’t believe it! I immediately call the agent and leave a message for her to show it to us ASAP. I don’t want it to get snapped up. In the excitement, I don’t notice that my husband doesn’t seem to share my enthusiasm.

After we get home, my husband says he is going to take a nap. As he goes into the bedroom, I ask him if he wants company. He says, “I guess”, without much enthusiasm. I go into the bedroom and ask him what’s wrong. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, bomb drop!

“I don’t feel emotionally connected to you”
“I don’t love you like a husband should love his wife”
“I had just accepted that nothing would ever change”
“I don’t know if I can love you again”
“I’ve been hardening my heart against you”

The agent calls in the middle of this and I tell her we won’t be looking at the house. I’m very afraid, but not hopeless. We’ve been married nearly 35 years, my husband is a pastor, we’ve never been separated, and we’ve always made it through hard times together. Surely, we will just go to marriage counseling and make some changes and we’ll be ok, right?

Wrong. So wrong. Each day following seemed like living in some kind of Twilight Zone episode, where people wake up in a place that seems mostly the same, but in some way terrifyingly different. I was living in the same house with the one person in this world who had vowed to God to love me, no matter what. But here he was, telling me he felt nothing for me; not even compassion. What was going on!

He didn’t want to touch me or even talk to me. I still had to go to church and pretend everything was ok. We had planned on spending the 4th of July with our son’s family and spending the night. I didn’t want to go; I didn’t think I could act for that long. It was torture, but we did it. I felt all the time that my world was spinning out of control. “Jane, get me off of this crazy thing!”

We were both in tremendous pain; it was palpable. My mind sped like a hummingbird from one thought to the next. I got little sleep and ate less and less. I was losing a pound a day and was small to begin with. I called the doctor and got anxiety and depression medicine. But no medicine could take away the feeling that my entire body was burning up. My skin felt like it was on fire. I remember thinking, God really does purify us in our trials.


Me: 57 H: 58
M: 35 T: 38
3 Grown Children; 2 Grand Girls
BD: July 2019
He left: January 2020
Summer 2020: "Risen from the pit of despair"
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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Ok - now I'm waiting for the second installment to discover when you found out about his affair.

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Hurricane

Once upon a troubled time
I had a hurricane in my mind
I didn’t know who I was
What I wanted or who I loved

Old painful feelings
I thought were gone
Came out from hiding
Incredibly strong

I was in tremendous pain
Someone had to be to blame
I looked around, all I could see
Was the woman who had married me

I felt that I was sinking low
I didn’t know which way to go
I had to reckon with my past
To build a future that would last

God ran with me in the race
Healing every broken place
Always repeating the same refrain
Until it overcame the pain

“Love yourself, as I have loved
And forgive yourself, as I forgave
Then you’ll know My peace and will
Cause the hurricane to still”

I wrote this poem a few months after bd. I wanted to write something of what I imagined a MLC was; but also give encouragement that it would over someday. I know my husband was in terrible pain; he couldn't work or concentrate and his blood pressure was sky high. I would so rather be the LBS than the MLCer. My pain was terrible, but to not know who you are has to be terrifying. I wish I could do a rewrite of the MLC script!


Me: 57 H: 58
M: 35 T: 38
3 Grown Children; 2 Grand Girls
BD: July 2019
He left: January 2020
Summer 2020: "Risen from the pit of despair"
Joined: Nov 2020
Posts: 8
Likes: 1
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Persona Non Grata

To my husband, I’m persona non grata
In his screwed-up brain, I don’t really matta
It all just makes me feel real sadda
But I’d be a lot betta
If I could just kick his assa


I wrote this poem just before he moved out. I shared this with him the night before he left. He thought it was pretty funny. It really helped me get through some hard times.


Me: 57 H: 58
M: 35 T: 38
3 Grown Children; 2 Grand Girls
BD: July 2019
He left: January 2020
Summer 2020: "Risen from the pit of despair"
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
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LOLOL that's great!

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To me this poem exemplifies the DB website, although I wasn't thinking of that at the time I wrote it. I wrote it for a good friend from church, who was helping me make it through this, at the same time she was going through her own set of problems.

Dark Days

Through deep, dark days
I stumble and fall
Cry out and pray
Feel all alone

If only I could see
A break in the clouds
A patch of blue sky
A glimmer of light

Though the darkness abides
Without
The glory of God shines
Within

If only I could be
The break in the clouds
The patch of blue sky
The glimmer of light

To others in the dark
We wouldn’t be alone


Me: 57 H: 58
M: 35 T: 38
3 Grown Children; 2 Grand Girls
BD: July 2019
He left: January 2020
Summer 2020: "Risen from the pit of despair"
Joined: Nov 2020
Posts: 8
Likes: 1
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I wrote this about three months post-bd. I learned the hard way, the only love I can count on is God's.

Another Day in Purgatory

Another day in purgatory
Each day the same bittersweet story
He loves me
he loves me not
He loves me
he loves me not


Me: 57 H: 58
M: 35 T: 38
3 Grown Children; 2 Grand Girls
BD: July 2019
He left: January 2020
Summer 2020: "Risen from the pit of despair"
Joined: Nov 2020
Posts: 8
Likes: 1
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I wrote this a few months after my husband left, when I had really taken a hard look at myself.

Fear Has No Quarter

I fear that fear has been too dear
For many a year

Fear of conflict
Fear of alienation
Fear of enabling
Fear of humiliation
Fear of being unloved
Fear of not being enough

Did I mention I had a lot of fears?
Fears of every description
Lived within me
I was like a deer in headlights
Never knowing which way lay danger or safety

Therefore, the Lord saw fit
To strip me bare and leave me in a place
Where even death has lost its sting
Here, fear has no quarter


Me: 57 H: 58
M: 35 T: 38
3 Grown Children; 2 Grand Girls
BD: July 2019
He left: January 2020
Summer 2020: "Risen from the pit of despair"
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
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My First Post
by DnJ

The wise words of others
I’ve silently read
To quell the narrative
Playing within my head

Such wisdom is here
I eagerly learn
Wonder if confidence will come
Will it ever be my turn

For I would love to post
Having such a desire
To write my beliefs
And that to which I aspire

But the world it seems
Does not with me align
My values and faith
Appear singularly mine

Family and friends
Offer advice not to prolong
They see me hurting
And would have me move on

Yet here on the board
I feel connected
Hopeful to be understood
From others similarly rejected

I’ve read so many stories
About standing during MLC
Healing and forgiveness
Oh God I want that for me

I want to be accepted
Not silently lurk as a ghost
I am so scared and so worried
As I publish my first post.

Last edited by DnJ; 12/07/20 03:52 AM.

Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

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