I know I shouldn't talk to my mom about this stuff, but she's great. Reminds me of a combination of people here. She says that my spouse needs to grow up (sounds like LH), that he trauma from the past is no excuse and that she has blamed me for all of it though its not my fault, that I need to stop apologizing, and that sometimes people just need to take responsibility for themselves.
I'm heading to see my parents with the kids in two weeks. I can't wait to see my parents, I could use the support and they are great.
I would be very careful putting the blame 100% on your W. I can promise you that you are not in innocent bystander in your marriage. I truly believe you are remorseful and have done everything in your power to keep your family together. Sometimes too much damage has been done and the only thing left to do is to give them time and space. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the “fading effect bias”? People tend to forget negative things quicker then the positive things. So in time she will more then likely remember more of the good things about your marriage. There is no timeline for when this may happen. Just keep moving forward.
I know I shouldn't talk to my mom about this stuff, but she's great. Reminds me of a combination of people here. She says that my spouse needs to grow up (sounds like LH), that he trauma from the past is no excuse and that she has blamed me for all of it though its not my fault, that I need to stop apologizing, and that sometimes people just need to take responsibility for themselves.
Just ask her not to try and intervene. I don't know how much she talks to your W, but you absolutely do not want her sharing things with W that you've talked to her about. Your W will see it as you "rallying the troops against her" and it will just make her very angry.
Originally Posted by LH19
AS “ Your very presence irritates me” made me spit coffee on my computer lol. Thx!
Hahaha! It's really perfect though, isn't it? It really sums up how most WAS's feel about the LBS after BD. The harder the LBS tries the more the WAS feels this way.
Quote
I would be very careful putting the blame 100% on your W. I can promise you that you are not in innocent bystander in your marriage. I truly believe you are remorseful and have done everything in your power to keep your family together. Sometimes too much damage has been done and the only thing left to do is to give them time and space. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the “fading effect bias”? People tend to forget negative things quicker then the positive things. So in time she will more then likely remember more of the good things about your marriage. There is no timeline for when this may happen. Just keep moving forward.
Exactly. The idea of DB'ing isn't to dazzle her with a huge demonstration of how much you've changed. It's to fade into the background while she goes on her journey. She won't see you as not "THE problem" until you can remove yourself from the equation. When she discovers her life isn't nirvana, and that she can't blame you for it anymore, THEN she might look back and THAT is when your changes and 180's will matter. If she looks back and sees YOU-2.0 looking good and feeling good and enjoying life, then her curiosity will be piqued. She may question her choice to leave you.
Exactly. The idea of DB'ing isn't to dazzle her with a huge demonstration of how much you've changed. It's to fade into the background while she goes on her journey. She won't see you as not "THE problem" until you can remove yourself from the equation. When she discovers her life isn't nirvana, and that she can't blame you for it anymore, THEN she might look back and THAT is when your changes and 180's will matter. If she looks back and sees YOU-2.0 looking good and feeling good and enjoying life, then her curiosity will be piqued. She may question her choice to leave you.
This here is gold. Absolutely huge nugget. This should be engraved in every LBS's forehead (in mirror writing of course). I am 100% certain if every and each one LBS could internalize this paragraph, they would be far better off. Awesome stuff AS.
I had a beer with a friend last night who has gone through similar stuff and is now divorced. He actually hired a PI to follow his spouse when she went out of town for a work trip.
The PI sent pictures of her with a guy, hugging and kissing him. My buddy asked if he was sure that it was an affair and the PI said, dude, are you serious. Reminds me of when my wife had what I’ve called her EA and the dudes wife came to my office to show me a video of the two of them in the backseat of my car. Or the time I caught him running out of my house when I got home. I think I’m just in denial. She always said nothing happened, but she has also shown the ability to lie when it fits her narrative.
Had a great talk with my friend but at the same time it was a bit devastating. He took his wife back, caught her a second time and then it went to divorce.
Also, got home last night - and I low I shouldn’t care but this stuff hurts - my wife bought and wore a push-up bra for the first time in 17 years.
She also went shopping and bought me stuff - really freaking weird. All and all a pretty solid mind job.
Yep your brain is designed to protect you so it will often go to denial for that protection.
As for your friend who took the w back for her do it again it's very common when there is no remorse and work done in IC to get to the root of the problem. WMBD took his W back to easily and after a brief recon she is back to the same BS.
Best to stay out of her stuff as much as possible. We joke around here that after BD all the granny panties go in the garbage lol. Just remember you should be updating your boxer or briefs. That $hit matters too lol. You've had a long tough long road and you are still just around the first mile of a marathon.
Finding Sex toys in your house and W getting a boob job are things that might be waiting around the corner.
If you didn't already, go get new underwear and perfume.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
I love the advise on the new underwear. That cracked me up. I can actually see the value in that - its subtle.
LH - Her bra was just laying in our walk in closet. It was not a challenge to notice. I also often fold the laundry so at some point that one was going to be seen.
I watched a video on “fading effect bias”. I thought that was interesting. Kind of hard to do when you are living with someone, but I suppose this is why I'm getting advice to try not to be around. Unfortunately she seems to just get angry about that.
Yeah I wasn’t implying you’re inspecting her delicates from a snooping nature. Just saying you probably don’t want to go there if at all possible.
So back to the laugh I had at AS quote, I was talking to my friend who is divorcing soon and he said his w is miserable all the time. I said why? He response was “the fact that I’m breathing”. Meaning no matter what you do she’s going to angry.
Scotty B I hope you really understand the timeline you are up against. She’s not going to go through all of this, put her kids and family through all of this and come running back home in 6 months. This is a 2-5 year minimum journey for her.
LH - She'll be lucky if I'm still here. I'm working on my confidence and trying to build my self-respect back up. Dobson's book was really good, though I haven't finished it - I'm about half done. I know I can find someone that would appreciate me as a husband, father, and man. I'm a solid guy. She has beat me up for a long time and has shown a propensity to lie and hide things. I'd work with her and I'd take her back, but once she is gone and as time passes, and I've already taken my kids through hell, I'll be hard pressed (I think).
