Thought this was a great post in regards to telling the kids.
Originally Posted by Vapo
IMO you should have taken your S's side in the argument and be a leader of the family. I think your son was sort of counting on you to have his back. Try to be more alpha.
With that in mind I agree with you to not play the D as a "mutual" thing. That being said, it is not the paramount thing here. I do believe this is what LH had in mind. If you go on a defensive from the start, the true message will be lost. And the true message is twofold:
1. what ever happens, your kids must be ABSOLUTELY sure that you love them both.
AND
2. they have to know that the divorce is NOT their fault in any shape or form. And this point must be reiterated several times during the conversation.
With that being said, the end point is that it IRRELEVANT who's fault the divorce is. The truth will come out sooner or later and rest assured, the truth will come out. I would suggest you and your W agree prior to the talk that you will not go down the mutual D talk road .
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Mumin, yes that is a good post. Keeps the two most important aspects of telling the kids in mind. However, Steve_ sitch is a bit different in that his WW already took it upon herself to tell the kids. This is why I am not sure why he thought this extra month mattered. It seemed like misplaced importance that Steve_ was placing on this extra month. "The kids won't be at her place with OM for another month." Control. "She seemed upset about me moving out." NGS
Steve_ has struggled with trying to control what he can't, and continuing to give in to his NGS. It is time he starts working on both of those things. Nothing frustrates a LBH more than trying to control what he has no control over. Nothing complicates DBing more than a LBH that has unchecked NGS. Until he reigns in his desire to control what he can't, and his NGS he will continue to struggle and be stuck in place. Which is why I was trying to get him to see that his arbitrary Dec. 1st move out was a fallacy.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Mumin I also agree that it is irrelevant whose fault the divorce is.
Parents over-focus on this aspect. I choose to believe that consistent parenting, showing my kids I love them unconditionally, is much more important than trying to convince them of the rightness of my version of the past.
Hopefully when my kids are grown up I can look back and say I was right to believe this.
What you can actually control in your life is so so little. Let go of the reins a bit.
You are in the middle of the tailspin. I know what it feels like and it's excruciating. Trust in the vets here. These people helped me through some very very difficult times. They know what they are talking about.
Well she texted me a bunch of crazy stuff today. I responded gently and calmly. It was going to be a long texting back and forth regarding bills so I called her. She was crying. She said I just woke up and I said no, your crying.. she said “I’m fine” she went on to explain how the extra month of rent on the house hurt her and she needed the deposit back for something. She began to blame her financial struggles on me and then lamented that she doesn’t want to have to get serious with OM to get the money she needs. I seen this for what it is.. manipulation. I just said look, if it’s that important for you I will cover the last months rent on the house with my deposit. And I’ll come up with the rest. I know that the rent was my job to cover so I’ll do it. Also I’m getting the apartment Friday so I’lll move my stuff out of the storage. I did send you half the money for the storage. She tried to continue being upset and mad and then asked me to pay the kids life insurance policies I told her no, that’s what I pay child support for. I took the day off yesterday because she had plans and then picked up another day to cover it, sent her my schedule for the month and said here is the update. She responded with Okay, thank you.
I have been doing my best to do the right thing here. Be very understanding and supportive of this situation. I don’t beg her back I don’t whine that I miss her I just pretty much give her room and don’t ask questions. When she comes to me to fight I defuse it and I don’t let her go to bed angry with me ever. If she has to force herself to hate me to justify what she is doing she gonna have to become an archaeologist to dig up the past because I’ve been super cool through all this. I’m sure that pisses her off too lol. Once I get into the apartment Friday things will be easier for me and I am starting to really see just how morally corrupt and selfish she is being. She’s on a path of destruction. I’m just waving the traffic by smiling. My father in law said today “Steve you don’t have to do that, but I know you are doing the right thing, I don’t know how you take this so lightly, hang in there” it was nice to hear.
I’ve given up hope she will stop this and come back. At least not any time soon. It’s like LH19 said, it will be a long haul. It absolutely rips my guts out she left me for this guy but I just keep quiet and keep it to myself and my marriage therapist friends at work. They don’t even know how I can go to work, honestly me either. This will get better I think letting go of my hope helps. I know come Dec 1st she will stay with OM. No sense in thinking anything else.
Last edited by Steve_; 11/02/2007:33 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Steve, the best thing that happened to me was asking H to leave our home! It was 2 months after he broke things off, we still lived together and it was torture for me. I dont know how other people do it, how they share the house and detach. Distance was so crucial to me detaching from H, breaking the emotional attachment.
Our comma now is minimal, only about kids or any logistics. Am i fully detached? Ill be honest if we didnt have two beautiful children i would be NC! The only thing that bothers me now (7 months after bd) is the aitch with the kids. The rest is totally irrelevant, his constant parking fines, his occasionally unnecessary lies and so on, its like i have immunity to it now.
You will get there, but i honestly think you need to get away from her as far away as possible. It could be years, it could be never. It could be too late, and u simply wont be interested.
Kids-your kids will be fine, providing that you are their rock. Be their stability, provide them with emotional safety.
Yeah I don’t plan on being around her, I’m going to start avoiding her like the plague. There is quite literally nothing else for us to talk about now. The last of the financials are done, she knows what the arrangement with the apartment is. The child care is sorted and everything is on the table now so there is no need to have any words with her, no need for me to see her. I’m going to just pull back and walk away from this. There is no way she is leaving him soon. I can see that. Everything she said to me was bulls*#t. All of it’s been that way. She’s been a lying cheating scumbag who left me for a lying cheating scumbag. From this point on whatever happens next is on her. Part of me wants to just tell everyone what she and he did but it’s not my place so I’ll just let it unravel on it’s own. She deserves whatever is coming her way after this.
Last edited by Steve_; 11/02/2009:46 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I haven’t been following your thread but I saw the last few posts.
Steve, you are doing this is all wrong. Giving her money (or any kind of assistance while she is with OM) is pursuit and a big no-no.
Your W clearly manipulates you, because she knows she can. Why do you play along? She can’t love you if she doesn’t respect you. And she very clearly does not respect you, at all.
I have not but I ordered it. I did not give her money. I just simply agreed to pay the final rent on the house we did not move into. My job was always to pay the rent so I just agreed to do it one last time. We were not expecting an additional month of rent after vacating the home before nov 1. And because the deposit was put in I agreed to split it and just use my half for the rent. It’s not like I was over here offering to give her money for things. I haven’t given her $1. Besides what was agreed to when she filed D. This was an unexpected expense and one i always took care of for the previous 10 years.
I know that’s why you said what you said Steve85. But what I did today was not NGS or pursuit. I told her I won’t pay extra for the kids life insurance either she can take it out of the child support. I did it because it was the right thing to do and I’m not trying to have her fight me for more money before we fill out the financials on the D papers. If I get into it now over 450$ it will cost me much later. I chose my battle not about pursuing at all.
I can assure you guys you will be much happier with how I do moving forward. Yesterday was an awakening. I’m just going to move on with my life seperate from her quietly and calmly. I won’t let her BS storm shake me. I spent the day seperating my accounts, getting my money in order and getting ready to move Friday. Picking up extra shifts at work and so on. I have no delusion she will come back. I’m looking forward to not wanting her anymore in a few months actually.
Last edited by Steve_; 11/02/2011:14 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
