Just got back from the doctor's office. My pulmonary results are fine. He wanted to listen to my lungs himself and they are fine.
He's going to have me try a steroid inhaler in case this is asthma and if that doesn't work he's going to check my GI. If that doesn't work he's thinking panic attacks. Which to be frank are a real possibility. The attacks have certainly gotten more regular and stronger in the past year and past attacks could be over-exertion or panic. High stress does seem to be a factor and has been - generally - consistent. There is a lot more stress in my life in the past year or so. Which was absolutely not the plan and I don't think we can pin this exclusively on the pandemic.
If it is panic attacks then the question comes on how to best manage that. Removing the source of panic is certainly one thing to consider. The medications for that are things that I really would rather not be involved with. In the past I've self-medicated with a cold beer and a sit in a quiet place but that's not an option any more.
I've let S know the basics and my kids know the greater detail via messages.
Well, that’s a definite tick in the negative column box and, in my opinion, the most important tick.
Your health is suffering with all the stress that S and her brood have brought to your life. Not only physically but mentally too.
If that doesn’t put a firework up your @rse, I don’t know what will!
I about died laughing at your last sentence. Well, it's surely obvious to one and all that these issues have gotten much worse in the last year...wonder why????? Well, let's face it, his son moved out (a very wise decision on his part), the "girls" have been moved out, two new cats, a dog, several bunnies and a hamster have moved in. Can you just imagine that many animals living in one household? Now, let's not forget S, S13 were originally to move in and then S18 came along as well. Sunday dinners were beginning to look like her other family members were going to make it a routine to come for Sunday dinner. Now, let's focus on the kitchen, leaving food out, dirty dishes, etc. and then move on to the dining table being piled up and then the living home with stuff lying around and boxes...oh, yeah, let's not forget the laundry room...piled up and the garage is in the same shape.
Is it any wonder that Andrew is having issues w/his health? If the above paragraph doesn't pin the tale on the donkey...nothing will.
Andrew, I couldn't live in those conditions. I would have many sleepless nights thinking about all of that and I know my health would be affected, especially if I have been use to having a clean home and one that smells heavenly not like 4 legged animals and their coops not being cleaned periodically throughout the 24 hour period of the day.
No, my man, something has to give and that means in order to get you feeling better, you need to make some decisions, i.e., either you accept that this situation that is currently going on in YOUR home will continue or you need to tell S that she has "x" number of months to find a place and move everything that she brought with her out of your house. You will then need to get your home cleaned and that means opening the windows and allowing the fresh air to come in and cleanse the place of the animal odors.
Winter is coming and from the looks of it, it is going to be a dark winter for you if you don't dig deep for that courage and tell her HONTESTLY that she's got to go. There's no way of working around this. She has a place to go, even if it is temporary and yes, those animals all need to go w/her and her two boys.
BTW, need to advise the other young lady that if she doesn't come by the end of November and pick up what is remaining of her stuff, you are going to sit it out on the street and put a "free" sign on it. Time to take back your house and get yourself back on track w/your health.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Blargh - let's hope that all the bad luck and karma has descended on me and the rest of North America will have a nice quiet day.
Couldn't fall asleep last night until about 2:00 am. Up at 6. S left the dog when she left yesterday morning and it relieved itself in the middle of the rug probably because she wasn't in with me. I think the dog is very not happy these days. She's lost a lot of bounce lately. She was very fond of "grandpa" and with all the location changes, stress here and other turmoil it's not a huge surprise. She's snoozing on the couch next to me in the office right now.
I messaged S around midnight knowing she was up that I was tossing and turning with lots spinning through my head without giving specifics. I would imagine that she knows at least part of what is causing me to not sleep. I'd like it to stay top of mind that we have issues we need to work through one way or another. She responded that I should turn off my brain and just imagine her there with me. Didn't help for some reason.
I'm worried about S18. He's well aware that something isn't right between his mother and I. I don't know if she's talked to him or not but I doubt it. He knows that I had my doctor's appointment yesterday plus a bunch of prior appointments to try to figure out my chest pains and I did let him know what the doctor suggested as possibly my issue being asthma or panic attacks. Given his own issues with anxiety he understands how that can happen. I'd rather him have accurate knowledge then do his own speculation and worst case scenarios. Knowing that I'm not going to - as has been said - "pop my clogs" is I would expect helpful.
He was telling me again yesterday on how I seem to handle things so much better than any of S's past partners. He also talked a lot about his resentment of his mother and siblings on how it feels to him that a lot of the load gets dumped on him and they all get off with making messes and not doing any work. He has clear memories as a 5 year-old of being responsible for all sorts of chores and tasks while his other siblings did nothing but make things worse and got away with it. The reality is perhaps slightly different but possibly not a lot. S does rely on him for a "lot" and he and his oldest sister always have been her core chore-monkeys.
He repeated multiple times, like he has for the last few weeks that "it's going to get better" as far as the clutter and mess goes here. I did tell him that I've really noticed him stepping up and being more responsible for taking care of things and we talked for a long time about pride, respecting ourselves, our house-mates and our environment and Don Quixote among other things. He was very clear that while he doesn't feel that for himself that taking care of himself or his surroundings is important that he feels that since this is "Andrew's house" that he needs to treat the environment with a lot more respect than otherwise. I worked on telling him that he was very capable and that while I was in no way his "Dad" that I will be supportive. He offered to take on the cleaning of the cat-boxes from me and I told him that what I "really" needed is for the others in the house to do the things that I'm NOT doing as there is lots and lots that needs to be done.
He already has a lot of issues with not respecting his mother that are very deeply rooted. And to be frank, have quite a bit of justification. On the one hand he may well start encouraging her to do better. He has a very clear picture of where he thinks she is coming up short from a house-keeping point of view. Not being accountable, leaving things to be done by others is only part of it. He lacks the tools to be supportive vs antagonistic though I think. On the one hand I hope that he doesn't take it out on his mother but on the other hand another voice encouraging her to step up and take responsibility would certainly be helpful.
I know that this is not an issue that S18 should be wrapped up in. But he is. He wants good things for everyone around him despite not having a lot of respect for himself. His suicidal urges from last year I hope are a thing of the past but he is still on a very long road out of that deep pit. I am somewhat stuck with something that I want to "fix" but am completely unable to do. I can't pretend that I'm happy with the way that the house and other things are going and so do my best to make sure that none of it sticks to him although some certainly does and he is very well aware of it.
Well - back to dealing with the chaos. We had a supplier come in late yesterday instead of this morning as scheduled, I have some containers that seem to have gone "walk-a-bout", the computer systems all crashed at 11:30 last night and I had to sort that all out remotely when I noticed this morning so that the company can function, I'm worried about some rush orders that I'm expecting, blah de blah de blah. When I couldn't sleep last night a favourite artist that I support on Patreon was doing one his regular give-aways and since he lives on the West coast, I'm never the first to respond. Missed it by about 4 minutes. And on a sketch I really would have liked.
One day at a time.
S18 and I are going to have steak and potato wedges for dinner again tonight. S18 is going to make the potatoes. He really likes them and if he learns that (it's dead simple) then he has one more non-convenience food thing he can do.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You're doing right by S18. Again, I wouldn't be surprised if he asks to stay with you if S moves out. Imagine how hard it is to grow up as the child of a hoarder who is so negligent of her kids.
I'm worried about S18. I'd rather him have accurate knowledge then do his own speculation and worst case scenarios.
I think this is a good idea. Perhaps you shouid apply this same philosophy to what you tell S and how you share it with her.
S18 is lucky to have you. I’m sure that just makes it harder to do what you may want to do. It’s her another reason to go slow with intertwining children into Rs - not only for them but for us. You seem to very honest and forthright with S18. Why not with S?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Happy Wednesday all! Time for a non-update update.
Heard from S yesterday. She seems to have confidence in the lawyer that she is using. I presume it was suggested to her by the funeral home(?). Yet another firm called a "peacehold" is now involved in order to make the will legal. She's down there for at least much of today. I think she may be home tonight as she is supposed to be baby-sitting her grandson tomorrow but have no actual clue.
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As far as wills and such go, I went and reviewed mine over the past couple of days. At this point I'm not making any changes to the core document. My brothers as the exectors and my possessions to be divided between the kids. As per advice from my lawyer, my insurance policies and pensions have the kids specified as beneficiaries rather than the estate and doing it through the will. His advice was that that simplifies things and to handle any bequests etc through a separate document. I've re-read my will and it is very simple and clear. Something my lawyer emphasized as being important to simplify things when the time comes. If items went to the estate then the will has to go through probate before things can be dealt with. Or in the case with S - where there isn't an actual legal will even more complexity is involved.
My brothers are in charge and assets get split equally between the kids. It's basically a standard simple boiler-plate. On the separate documents outside my will that detail what assets there are and how specific bequests are to be handled, that could probably be disputed. I did update that back in March to give S the house and car. It's been changed (and as a separately dated document) so that S will get the "value" of the house after it is sold. There is no way that she would be able to maintain this place. Back in March I may have imagined that she would be able to with the help of her kids but know that to not be the truth now. S is aware that there are provisions for her but not what they are. I checked and my daughter at least can see the updated documents online and both kids have been told in "writing" (messages) that there are provisions for S and what they are.
I doubt it would be argued except perhaps by S. The kids don't want the house and I'm sure would rather have Dad than money but aren't living their lives in expectation of a bequest unlike S had been. The insurance money and pensions would give them a nice little boost and make them more comfortable. I'm not going to take that from them to give to someone who I've only known for a matter of months and who should be able to take care of themselves.
Reading through the will dated back in October 2016 - a time when I still hoped that I would have a reconciliation - I see no reason to revisit this simple document. If things do work out between S and I then the bequests to her could be handled through changing the beneficiary documents but as I mentioned - that's not in the cards at present.
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S did send across some money last night which will help - but certainly a lot less than she has before. I thanked her and mentioned that it was an odd amount but presumably what she could spare. I know that she has expenses that I'm not seeing anything on. Not that I personally care, but I could imagine her being upset if I was spending money without transparency. Different rules for the goose and gander.
A Facebook memory popped up this morning. It was of a productive day 2 years ago today. I'd made a pie, some soup, cleaned the house. Looking back here in my "diary" here I was feeling lonely and "stuck" though but very pleased with myself. I saw this in my post from that day
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I was listening to an interview with a "relationship expert / divorce lawyer" and one thing she mentioned really resonated with me. She described one divorcing couple where the husband was complaining that at the beginning of the relationship, he "rescued" his wife who was badly in debt and had run up her credit cards by paying it all off but she never changed her behaviour and became responsible. That jarred me - it was pretty much exactly my story. In my case I paid up her back-rent, got her on to my credit card (which she/we ran up) and carried her and rescued her from her troubles - financial and otherwise for a lot of years. It was only until a major financial crisis about 15 years ago that she/we became much more responsible and she was so very proud of that. Just around when her EA started was when we finally got completely out of unsecured consumer debt. I recall how startled she was when one day when we were out shopping that I had no problem on dropping $2000 on a nice wooden bed. Something that had been inconceivable for the prior 25 years but now was no problem. We had the savings to more than cover it and paid cash.
Patterns repeat. I suppose that's what makes them patterns.
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Instagram keeps wanting me to be friends with my ex-wife. She has a private account that shows nothing posted. In recent days she updated her profile. I had quite the giggle about what she wrote. Well - at least she's embracing her past actions it would seem or is poking at me.
Originally Posted by X
Dog mom to an elderly Pomeranian and a feisty poodle. Partner to a retired milkman. Loving my little house and the friends I keep close.
The milkman part is particularly funny to me. My profile isn't private so if she wants she can see lots of pictures of food. I would presume that the only reason people have and maintain an Instagram account without posting is so that they can lurk elsewhere. She set it up about a month ago but only completed the profile recently.
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Work has been crazy this week. There's no outbound load today but a huge load of containers to fill has shown up. I'd like to give the guy who actually does the work Friday afternoon off because he's been putting in extra time lately so am working on figuring that out. He's been doing this job since Moses was a boy and is very patient with me although I know he gets frustrated. I try to divert the "office" stuff from him which I know he appreciates. One grumble to me about someone bothering him and he doesn't hear from them again as I divert their questions. My job is to deal with the paperwork and nonsense and his is to safely fill and load product.
It's amazing how much math I use these days. So much for saying that algebra isn't necessary any more even in this world of computers. I have a large crib sheet on my wall with the different ratios and percentages and my old paper-tape calculator gets a solid work-out every day. I have 24 tonnes of product coming in on Friday, containers for about 35 tonnes and have to figure out who gets what while doing my best to make sure everything is full given 4 different container sizes. I also have a big tank that I use to store bulk product of different types but similar chemistry. Each one has a different specific gravity and the only indicator I have of what I have in the tank is one gauge that tells me either the number of inches full or the percentage full. Then "I math". And also remember that the darned gauges are never exactly accurate. A mistake and I have part filled containers that I can't sell or worse, run a pump dry which is a nuisance to restart.
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S18 and I had steak and potato wedges last night. Since he likes them, I had him make those. He of course treated it superficially as "no big" but I know was very stressed. He was very nervous handling the knife to slice up the potatoes especially. I think he's sliced himself badly in the past - who hasn't. I showed him how I do the slicing and then commented that he has to learn his own method that he's comfortable with and that there's no right or wrong way. He seemed pleased and they turned out pretty good. It's funny - when his mother is here he nags to get take-away food. When she's not he's happy to get / help with fresh made food or just grab something out of the freezer. I think he would prefer to eat "properly". When I commented on how important it was to me that the kitchen be "usable" he responded that his mother's kitchen never was. Something I remember clearly and one of the reasons I take ownership of keeping the kitchen usable here. And something I find sad that those kids at least for the last number of years didn't have what is to me that important feeling of "home" and "family" that comes out of any kitchen that I've ever been in.
S18 was talking again about how while he knows of a couple of friends who had places worse than where he was on how he knows that this place is no where near what most people would think of as "normal". A normal I think he would match to how I took care of things. If S and the boys are going to stay that "has" to get figured out. And I can't do it all by myself with them sabotaging it. I know that one of the excuses I made for S's apartment was that the 4 kids living there then were actively sabotaging the ability to have the place be livable but hadn't realized that S herself was one of the main culprits.
The self-doubt I'm fighting with is hard on me. As others have commented, it would be so much easier for me if the decisions were taken out of my hands. S isn't going to want to give up on her golden egg goose but she does have compassion (I believe). In her past it's taken egregious actions for her to be the one to leave and even then she's kept connected. I can see a path on how this could work but it would mean S really stepping up her game and working more "with" me and yes "for" me and not relying on others to do what she should be doing. I don't know if she's had her "come to Jesus" moment or not but doubt it. The easy solution would be for me to change the locks and leave her stuff piled on the lawn. Like my Dad though I keep giving people more chances. Hopefully unlike him, I can have a boundary on what I deem acceptable even if it's not very visible at present.
Well - back to it. This math doesn't do itself.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Patterns repeat. I suppose that's what makes them patterns.
Oh jeez - you really ARE repeating a pattern, aren't you?
As for the house in the will - I really don't understand why you put S in your will before you were even married. Did she pressure you into that in some subtle way? I'd take her off the will until such time as the relationship is stable and you're sure it's going to be long term. She's got an inheritance now, she won't be homeless or penniless if you die, and really your own kids should come before someone you've known so little for such a short time. Think of it as college funds for your future grandchildren.
At the 6 month dating mark you willed your house and car to S?!! OMG Andrew!!! Your kids may have not wanted the actual house, but they may have wanted to see it and split towards their own respective homes.
Please say you are taking her off the will! Please tell me she is not going to get your house, your pride where she turns it into a storage facility for her hoarding .
S isn't coming home until sometime Sunday now. Too much driving she said. D19 will do the babysitting.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
All she does at your house is watch TV, sleep until noon and play games on her phone. What can she possibly my be doing over there that is so time consuming and exhausting?
The medications for that are things that I really would rather not be involved with. In the past I've self-medicated with a cold beer and a sit in a quiet place but that's not an option any more.