This is the first one where Im gonna start doing things right. Maybe I look like crap since im more honest /open than other posters or I just made a lot more mistakes but my NGS is real and after the last couple posts on the other thread I realized I am dissapointed in myself.
She would rather hurt me, the kids and our whole family than some dude she never should have been with. I need to stop thinking this will go well. It wont. Even if she comes back it will just happen again probably. There is no fixing this anytime soon, she has made no changes to herself at all. Im still holding onto something that isnt real, in love with what she could be not what she is. I must begin the process of letting go, should have started it two months ago. I know many of you are shaking your head at me all the time. Im gonna do my best and ill keep you updated. You guys are the only thing keeping me from doing a lot worse so thanks for hanging in there.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I've had a really hard time with this. For anyone new here is the timeline and events that occured.
June we get a new home out of state, so does her parents we all plan to move together. July we get all new stuff and I move it to the new home.
9/3 She says I want a divorce. 9/24 She files it "I just want to be happy" 10/15 I move everything out of other house and she moves it into an apartment with a "room mate" 10/27 I find out about her OM and she admits her "room mate" is a friend of the family, his and our kids and wives were friends. ive hung out with him multiple times we even went camping as families for a week. Ill be moving out 11/6. of her parents house where we lived together.
I hope that will help some of you hardcore folks have a slight bit of understanding why I was not able to just detatch. That entire time until 2 days ago she was giving me breadcrumbs and false hopes saying things like "we can always get re-married" and so on. Thats why its been so damn hard to see this for what it is until like 3 days ago. I should have believed the pro DBers about there being a OM 99% of the time. never expected this though. All I can do is try to be honest with myself from now on and do better.
Last edited by Steve_; 10/30/2012:24 AM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
She never actually left me, never filed D, always made me to one to leave or stay and deal. Eventually guilt got her staying and then cheating and so on. And they were always long-distance A's.
This time she filed D and left me for OM probably because she knew no R with a friend of the family would work if she didnt D me and "do the right thing" Thats what was unexpected. Buying the new home with her parents and making that huge commitment was the biggest unexpected thing to do just 2 months later costing us and her parents $30,000 for nothing.
Last edited by Steve_; 10/30/2012:45 AM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
The two of you are so broken and toxic together that there is absolutely zero chance of this working out long term without intense therapy. I know that’s not what you want to hear but trust me she is doing you a favor. Eventually the pain will subside.
I have been trying to nice her back, he is trying to nice her to stay. I bet what will happen is she leaves both of us for some younger guy without kids some alpha male type and never looks back.
I have to change my ways like this moment or there is zero chance of her wanting to recon and do the things she will need to do to get help. If I continue to nice her back she wont ever come back. That's the truth.
Now I have to stop talking about it and be about it. Ill post again when the sitch warrants it.
Last edited by Steve_; 10/30/2001:02 AM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Steve, you commented on my post yesterday saying all the things that I need to be doing, and you're right. Guess why you were able to give me the correct advice...? Because you were looking at it from an objective point of view...free of emotion, you don't know me or my W. Can you try and look at your sitch in the same objective way?
In the same way I can look at your last post and say, forget about OM, let him have her, forget about her leaving OM for another. Forget about changing otherwise there will be zero chance of recon and what she might do to help get there.
Just work out the things you need to change in yourself for you to have a happy and fulfilling life moving forward.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
You are absolutely right. Like I’ve always said I’m the cardiologist that smokes. I’m not trying to toot my own horn here but I’m a military vet, 2 Purple Hearts, I’m still handsome, (way more than OM, even she admitted it lol) and I’m the kind of guy most women would kill for. I’m loyal, dependable and kind. I’m a nurse that loves his job of helping people in times of emergency crisis at rock bottom, I’m a psych nurse and I deal with people that have given up, tried to die or kill someone else. Strung out on drugs etc.. I never study for anything I went to law school because I passed the LSAT without even reading anything, same with nursing school, I’m brilliant and the only thing that holds me back is my own self esteem issues. I think it stems from dad leaving when I was 5 and my mom being emotionally unavailable, I tend to chose women that are the same. I had one girl once that was amazing and so sweet but I ran back to my wife because of attachment issues back in 2012 when i was helping her finish her bachelors and she started seeing someone else.
Today was a day I think will be something that helps me truly detach, I laid in bed with my kids tonight and my son said “Mr xxxx is my moms new boss, he gives us money when we work with her, he is her new Roomate dad he is the mega boss” I just sank. I asked them please don’t tell me about that anymore okay. Then my W called I ignored the first one. The second one came in and I answered she said how you doing, I said good. She said some stuff about moving out and how i would have nothing and Offered to help I said “don’t worry about it” I did 3 years in Iraq sleeping In holes in the ground as an airborne infantryman with nothing but the pack on my back and the next raid to move to. I let this crap depress me but I have literally seen hell and lived it. I don’t even care anymore I said “my kids told me you been taking him around him and the are getting money from him you told me you weren’t doing that” she said “they don’t know it’s just a room mate and working, they go to places with me so they get money for working, they don’t know anything” I just told her “well I’m sorry but I’m just so embarrassed, that hurt to hear from our kids” she tried to explain away I just ignored it as the BS it is. She said I’m going to my sisters I swear, I said “thanks for telling me, i appreciate it good nite”.
I used to feel like she is a good person doing a bad thing and she deserves me to love her give her time, learn from my mistakes and be the rock that stands for her. The tone of voice she had was of sympathy so I know it’s a wrap. She has lost all respect and love. I can hear it now. I think today is the day I stop hating myself and just give up. Let her have her OM, it will fail I know it will for so many reasons it will fail. He is trying to be nice and I know what happens to nice guys. She will shred him like she did me.
I told myself this tonight, dude .. If you cannot see the value in yourself and stand up for yourself you show you have no value, no self respect and if you do it long enough she has no choice but to agree with you.
This broke the last piece of my heart. Good riddance she is no longer my W. She’s some scumbags GF. My kids were the last straw for me. She involved them. That made me see her as she is, F’d up. My fog is thinning.
Last edited by Steve_; 10/30/2006:00 AM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
It doesn't matter how many Purple Hearts you have or how good looking you are, until you fix yourself you will continue to attract women who treat you badly.
Really? Why would you even consider taking her back, let alone let you whole world circle around what she is doing. She should NOT be aloud "back" in your life. AT ALL! "Back" doesnt exist and you should not allow this thought in your head EVER again! EVER!!! IF not for you, do it for your kids. Be the GOOD parent that they so desperately will need. Fight for you right to as much time as possible with them so you can show them a good life.
If you ever R in the future it should be, as Steve85 said, after serious amounts of therapy and REAL change on both yours and her side.
At this point you are venturing into Curtis-territory.
Last edited by Mumin; 10/30/2011:00 AM.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
