Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity #2

[DnJ]

Good Morning cardinal

Oh yeah. Eating so many sticky buns and treats that one can’t eat lunch. What a great time of year!

H’s cyclic mood swings, anger/outbursts to nice and back and forth, do let his emotions out. It releases his pain a bit and he can return for a bit. You see this, his attitude is lighter, and he appears all is well again. And his inner pain invariably rises up once again and the cycle restarts.

This is good. He is releasing some anger. He is not blaming you, or at least not continual blaming you - those periods of nice. It’s good you are not continually in the line of fire, as it gives him time to consider other ideas. Like, hmmm cardinal hasn’t actually been causing me problems and yet I’m still upset, maybe she isn’t the cause, maybe I am.

H is working on getting a handle on his emotions and cannot handle anyone else’s right now. It’s not surprising he is not wanting to, or probably more accurately not able to, be part of your larger family - for the time being.

And of course you miss him, the old him. Especially when he pops in during these nice moments.

Stay your course my friend. Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t. And remember H’s path is still his. This crisis, he has to walk it, to the finish, and you weren’t invited along. Stay strong girl!

Didn't care enough, didn't love enough--I think he feels this way toward his mom and old friends as well and, again, all the anger and pain of it is pinned to me.

H doesn’t love himself.

One cannot love others until they love themselves. That is true for the MLCer, the LBS, friends, family, anyone.

Those suffering emotional pain and torment will project and blame their lack of self love and lack of self respect upon others in an attempt to cover up their pain. It will work for a while. It is a short term fix. Long term, one needs to look inward and fix themselves. And that can only be done by those willing to do it.

Consider our paths, the path of the LBS. We have pain, a pretty good motivator. We have willingness. We are open to advice and suggestions. And we do heal and move forward. We do realize we love ourselves and things fall into place. We stop blaming ourselves, we forgive ourselves, all first. Then we are able to do the same for our spouse. Although, I do find we partially start with our spouse first, then ourselves, then complete with our spouse - to be accurate.

Accuracy and willingness. Be accurate. Your mind is always listening, willing to listen, willing to change, and willing to accept. Be accurate and consistent.

...all the anger and pain of it is pinned to projected upon me.

Use projected instead of pinned.

Your usage of “pinned” affects you. You unwittingly accept the blame - you pin it firmly onto yourself.

True, from H’s point of view, he is trying to pin it to you. Trying fails remember. No need to help his failing view along.

See this from your view point. See it accurately. H is projecting upon you. That is what is accurately happening.

Projecting is “trying to pin it upon others”. It is an imagined transfer of ownership. Do not make that real for yourself. Deal with what is real.

I do feel for your questions. The summary of your actions after BD, the doubts, the question - did I do enough? (((Hugs)))

I get it. I gave my W a Christmas gift, and had heartfelt words as well.

The MLCer’s path is for them. We are not part of it. Believe me, I know and empathize with how much you want to be a part of it. That choice is not your’s. Our spouses are dealing with pain and torment from long ago trauma(s) that have nothing to do with us. We didn’t break them, and we certainly cannot fix them.

We must step aside, and let them be. Some leave, like my W. A staggering percentage have affairs, W check. They become terrible parents and friends, oh my batting a 1000 here for W. They need to, and will, run down that path. If we are in the way, we will get mowed down.


You are questioning your love. Did your actions demonstrate love. Did it register for me? Do I love him? Or still love him?

Manipulation. We do not want to manipulate the path of the MLCer. Ever! Make changes for you. Focus on you. Do for you. Love for you.

There are many reasons for this philosophy.

- You are the most important person in this equation. You must be healthy and healed, for you live with you.

- You do not want to manipulate H’s course. You do not want that responsibility. If things go bad you will blame yourself. And by the way, this whole MLC path is a tangled ball of yarn all going bad. Let it go. Leave H’s path to him.

- With you not altering, or trying to, H cannot blame or project as easily upon you. This is good as well. Allows him to look inward.

- And from the above statement, you cannot alter his path really anyhow. He must walk it - fully. If you do happen to truncated it, he will fall back into crisis at a later time, and it will be much worse than now. The MLCer must finish their crisis, all the way to the end. And that has nothing to do with us.

- No one can see all ends. Any manipulation we might be successful at will have unintended consequences.

- You have much better areas to spend your energies.

Maybe what this comes down to is that I want to know, whether he does or not, that I was open, was willing to be vulnerable, to look at myself and make changes (and this is different than feeling like I need to pretzel in order to "win" him back). I do know all of this is true. What I guess I don't know is if I "showed" this as much as I could.

Perfectly normal questions.

Guess who can only really answer them?

Why are you looking to H for affirmation of your love? Or your openness? Or your changes?

Sometimes I think of it this way: post BD, I've only had H's exterior to go on, and if I didn't know any better from reading and this place, I'd think H was living his best life and has no grief whatsoever over the end of our M (I mean, I still struggle with thinking that at times! Thinking of the exchanges I've had with Kindly on this). So does he see me the same way? Does he look at me--almost never crying in front of him since BD, always polite, seemingly confident, doing my own thing--and think the same thing? That the end of our M didn't really affect me? That it was a little sad but then I moved on, see, I really didn't love him that much!

I am glad you know better. Know that H isn’t living the best time of his life and has no grief whatsoever. However, do you believe it?

What about the other side. Him seeing you polite, seemingly little sad, moving on, that I didn’t really love him. That is end of our M didn’t affect me. What do know? What do you believe?

Sometimes I just feel so dull and wooden around him, like I'm going through the motions. Good morning! Merry Christmas! I feel so reserved, so far away, like I am in the middle of a large costumed me, pushing buttons to nod my head or make words come out. I want to be me. I want to be real.

I realize I'm getting sucked into this somewhat pointless hypothetical, as if there was anything I could actually *do* to make him see me differently while he's in this state. Do I need a DB 2x4?

This is not a pointless hypothetical. And there is little you can *do* to make him see you differently.

A loving 2x4:

You are indifferent. You are grieving. You are projecting your numbness and resulting questions upon H as well as asking them of yourself. Focus on you. Do not mind read, guess, project, or assume H’s feelings, desires, beliefs, or path. Do find your’s.

It’s quite normal to feel wooden and working the controls of yourself from afar. Have faith, it is ok. It is along your path of healing and healthy. The numbness doesn’t last. However, while it is around, and the noise of H is muted, make the most of it. Discover you and your beliefs. Strengthen those you like. Alter or discard those you don’t.

Do you see how your questions are much less about H and more about you. Very good. Very healing.

Your questions of the end of your M and the ease of which it passed and how you moved on. “Does he look at me...” is you questioning yourself. By the way, you moved forward not moved on. Use that. Be accurate. Moving forward is healthy.

Did my actions demonstrate love. Did it register for me? Do I love him? Or still love him?

Did I do enough? Did I show enough? Did I do all that I could?

All questions that proceed letting go, and the doubts of doing that. (((Hugs)))

The real question you are finding and asking - Can I, should I, do more?

The numbness, letting go, it’s not the end. It feels like it. However, it is far from the end of things.

Can I do more? Yes. What do you believe? Find those? Are you proud of them?

A belief. A conviction. Something you are willing to die for!

Craft them, alter them, strengthen them. The very noblest ones.

They become something you are willing to live for!!!

I want to be me. I want to be real.

Living pushes back the numbness. You become.

Love yourself. Ask the hard questions of your values and convictions.

Do I like my values? Am I happy with how I’ve lived? The choices I’ve made? The things I hold most dear? Do my beliefs serve me and what I desire? Am I proud of myself?

Do I love me?

Strengthen and alter. Become. Forgive.

H will follow or he won’t.

You live and love your best life.

D

[may22]

Cardinal,

Thinking of you (and of course the sticky buns ;)). I am processing your last post and DnJ's... I don't have much to offer beyond just letting DnJ's words really sink in. And that from my perspective of knowing you here, you are a truly incredible person. Giving, loving, thoughtful, present. Sending love your way.

xoxo May

[Gerda]

Cardinal, I meant to respond to your last post but got sucked into my own little nightmarish project (which you can discover in my own exciting thread).

I totally understand your thought process and reflections and feelings and longings and all of that because I did just what you are doing. I don't think there is a way to not do it. But if you are ever able to go on faith alone, have faith in this -- he can't understand any of those things you wish he would understand, and he can't see you clearly, or anything that happened or is happening. A day can come when he will but right now you are a little bit like the adults in Charlie Brown to him - wonh wonh wonh wonh. He knows you are talking about something relevant to him and that you think he is listening and he might even make a movement in the direction you are pointing. But he really doesn't know what you are saying and he can't care about you.

Believe me. I had CANCER and it made no difference. My H sometimes tried to pretend he cared about me during that time period. But I only saw HIM, the real H, once, and I assure you it was not the same guy as I saw before and after that moment, for all the rest of MLC. My H woke up for 8 hours. When I came out of surgery (mastectomy), I looked into his eyes and it was him. I held his hand that whole night and we talked and he had EMPATHY for me, he could SEE me. It wasn't even that we spoke of anything specific. It was just HIM. And then he was gone. In the morning, I woke up, and I knew. His eyes were MLC again. He was pacing the hospital room. He pushed me to leave the hospital quickly, so much so that I almost fainted on the street. In the car he said, "No, things are going to be different, you are the mother of my children," as if he was trying to convince himself. But I knew he wasn't in there anymore.

Later I found out that while I was in surgery, he was texting the OW who he had not spoken to for a while til then. (I think he was trying to come back to the family but couldn't make himself do it.) And he started back up with her again as I was recovering. I remember I had to drain those post surgery bags all the time and I started doing it myself because I couldn't bear to see him trying to do his hateful duty to me.

Slowly you realize that all your agonizing, thinking, trying, telling yourself you want to be able to say later that you did everything you could, gave it your all, etc., that none of it really matters to them. All that you are doing will only matter if/when your H can see you again. Like DnJ always says, stand for your values for YOU. But the reason for that for me is because you can only do it for you, since it won't change anything about your H. Your standing will only mean something to your H when the day comes that he can see you again. But you can't do anything to make him see again. And he may or may not remember what happened at that point. So be the woman you want to be but let him go and know that the guy that looks like him is not him. If he ever came back, he would know you again, he would have empathy for you and he would appreciate who you are as he did before MLC. During MLC he is living on another planet and he can't hear you from there.

Lots of love to you and wishes for a CLEAR New Year full of peace for you and a memory of how wonderful you are, and how your life can be a joy full of things that you love to see and do and be, on your own.

[Sage4]

HNY, Cardinal!

When I read your posts, I sometimes have to stop and read slower because at moments my empathy is so tuned in to exactly what you are going through, it is as if I am reading about myself. I feel so much of what you are feeling, what you are going through and all I can really say is that I empathize and I am right there with you.

I know you read Gerda's post on my thread, the one about being forced to watch as someone rips your heart out and then wanting pity and understanding for doing so. Those were some of the wisest words I have ever read and it gave me a new lens through which to process everything.

I have had some recent interactions, similar to yours, where there was some enlightened messages from H and some spewing in a conversation. And in that conversation (I read a similar theme in yours), I was finally able to see that my contribution to our current situation is analogous to an inch of oil floating on top of a deep well of water. I am responsible for that inch of oil, but I am really not responsible for the rest of the well. And whether that well water was generated from within him or due to childhood trauma or anything else really, is not really important. What is important is that I am only responsible for the oil floating on top.

I hope you have a great weekend, I am thinking of you!

xx
Sage

[Sage4]

How are you Cardi? How is work going these days? What have you been cooking and baking lately?

(((Cardinal)))

[cardinal]

If I don't stop and post now, who knows when it'll happen! Going to full-time at my new job in January has been a big adjustment, even though I was essentially working full-time in the fall between two other jobs. I am really enjoying the job, and the team is amazing. They are such different (virtual) company than H--enlightened, optimistic, emotionally-aware people, much like my friends here. I feel so lucky to know them and to work with them. I've realized I need to balance my passion for the job and for learning new things (and that tendency toward wanting to be perfect at a new job) with the rest of my life, since when I really care about something I seem to want to give it 200% (like single-handedly saving my M! ). My brain seems to want to either spend time trying to solve fun work problems (productive) or H "problems" (not productive), and though I don't get stuck in the latter as much, I'm seeing that I need to work on retraining my brain to just be and not always have to be in problem-solving mode.

Both of these things are easy distractions from, for instance, settling back into my creative self, rediscovering my project that was thrown off-track with BD and going suddenly from PT work to FT. I have been taking small steps back, though. I did get over that dread of opening a new document today, I did write some new sentences for Gerda.

Many times I've thought about posting something here when I've been overwhelmed with feelings, and I usually think of what you all might say in response, and eventually, yep, feelings are fleeting, as DnJ taught me, they pass. I did the New Year's self-compassion mediation challenge from Ten Percent Happier, and I've been really enjoying taking 10-15 minutes most days to meditate with the app. One week I listened to the same short talk on anger every day. Ah, so this is what it feels like to experience anger, sit with it, and not act on it, I thought. This is why H's new method of exploding anger instead of pushing it down is maybe a change for him but not an altogether healthy one.

No mention of anything D related since H's blow-up and then sharing of some of his feelings after Thanksgiving. No updates from my L. Nothing moving. (Having H as a roommate is allowing me to save money, though--I definitely underestimated the taxes that would be taken out of my paycheck, and that again means I really need to stay in this house.) He's been quite friendly for the last couple of months, which is also sometimes hard. Pre-BD, he used to be completely anti-social media. Since then, he has embraced one in particular. I never look at it, but apparently one of our friends still does. She never brings it up, but she did last night, and I had to ask her--based on just this one curated glimpse you have into his life, does he seem different to you? Uh, yeah, she said. He reminds her of her 21-year-old sister, except she is more sober and sane. She said it's clear he thinks he is living on some timeline of what he perceives to be liberation, but is really just delusion and denial.

I gotta say it was a little bit gratifying to hear her say that, to hear that she gets glimpses into his life outside this house and it is obvious to her what it is and isn't true. She is insightful and even states away can see that he is not actually living his best life. But also... sad to hear.

One of H's November comments that I've been unable to completely shake, as my last post here attests, is that I didn't do enough/didn't really do anything to save our M. Classic, right? The LBS-can't-do-anything-right dilemma. Yet it still got to me, and I still found myself wondering (trying to problem solve an unsolvable problem at 3 a.m.)--did I do enough? Did I love enough? Etc etc.

And then, in the car the other day, it hit me, and it seemed so obvious in a way it hadn't before:

What does a loving, caring spouse do when their spouse says they're unhappy and want a D? They are open to counseling--they express a desire to go and really listen to their spouse, to really understand where they're coming from. Check!

They take a good hard look at their own behaviors and perhaps even go to IC to understand their own patterns and learn how to see themselves more clearly and be a better partner. Check!

They take responsibility for whatever they could have done differently and resolve to make positive changes, and they express this to their spouse. Check!

That is all stuff I could control, all pretty common-sense stuff. I think most objective bystanders would say, oh, yep, you did all the right things. What I can't control is H's inability to really see/feel any of this, or to believe I love(d) him.

I don't know why I was suddenly able to understand this, or why I've struggled so much to see this. I finally felt that need to prove something fade. I mean, once you say a hard no to counseling or working on the M... do you really get to say the other person didn't do enough? This feeling of confidence may be fleeting too, but at least I can go back and look at this simple list in black and white.

It seems I am in the small percentage of the country that is not covered in ice and/or snow at the moment (and I'm jealous, though not of the rolling blackouts). I actually cleaned up the garden a bit this weekend, and the tulips I planted in the fall are coming up. I made lemon shortbread cookies to keep in the freezer (not really a deterrent to eating three at a time, evidently), a loaf of bread in my new batard-shaped banneton, and a cranberry apple crisp. I felt a bit low yesterday and when I checked in here it was as warm as ever. There is so much love, kindness, and support to be found here. I do keep reading even when I find it challenging to carve out time to post.

[kml]

Your checklist is right on point. He didn’t check out because he didn’t feel loved. He checked out then he looked around for something to excuse his behavior.

Glad your new job is bringing you joy!

[cardinal]

Thanks, kml! Actually, your post has me thinking--I believe he did check out because he didn't feel loved. He recently said he felt like no one loved him then, not me, not his friends. I can't know of course, but I do think he was depressed. I think he felt horrible, and the only way to escape was to really escape his life as he knew it. Then, in his mind, all his unhappiness was due to my not being able to love him. I blamed myself too at first. Now I am beginning to understand these feelings of unworthiness were probably there in some form all along, and they will continue to be there until he looks inside and begins to really understand where they come from. It does seem that he was trying and is trying to stop his pain (as opposed to examining it, understanding it).

[DejaVu6]

Sounds like you are doing really well Cardinal. I think you are right about your H but, as usual, regardless of the reasons, the results are still the same. You never know...he may still figure things out. In the meantime, you keep doing you. Your baking sounds amazing!!! (((HUGS)))

[DnJ]

Good Morning cardinal

Your checklist is spot on. And yes H felt unloved because he currently could not or cannot love. He is in crisis. Something from deep within consumes him.

My XW told me she thought she was going crazy, felt so unhappy, and took her final chance at true happiness. Lol. She is blind and blissfully ignorant to her own denial.

This feeling of confidence may be fleeting too...

Yes, it will flit, if not reinforced.

So, make that knowledge and confidence a deep held belief.

A conviction, a value, is self-renewing. It almost effortlessly reinforces feelings and thoughts. Imagine how you will feel when you believe this new understanding you now have. And that is meant in the literal sense as well. Imagination is the first step to creation. You want to hold this as a truth, imagine it, and strengthen it.

You have a keen problem solving mind. It has being mulling over things and found understanding. Now you just got to believe your own thoughts. Allowing your thoughts to influence and alter your values is a slow process.

Understanding, compassion, empathy, forgiveness. The LBS journey, truly is a blessed opportunity, one which we never would have asked for.

You are doing amazing!

D