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A Message from Michele
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Mar252 Offline OP
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Yail, thank you. My W and I both went away this weekend separately and it is the first time in 21 years we were NC. It was extraordinarily difficult for me not to pick up the phone and call her all weekend. I finally caved on my 4 hour drive home. I called her first. It was a strained conversation and I probably shouldnít have even bothered trying. She is totally distant. Although, she says she is not ready for a divorce I really think she has made up her mind that she no longer wants this marriage. I am convinced that she has fallen in love with the OW.

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Hi Mar,

(((Mar)))

I second everything Yail said... we all need to get where we are going at our own pace for it to be authentic. You're in the hardest spot right now.

I might recommend thinking of some strategies to keep yourself from engaging with your W in pressuring ways (calling her, R talks, etc.). Valeska had a post a bit ago on your thread with some really great suggestions, like having a back-pocket "sorry, I have plans" excuse when your W asks you to participate in something wlfe-like together. I remember when my H was on a business trip in AP's city a year ago or so, and I would be just watching the phone to see if he called and itching so badly to call him... I made a list of all the things I would do instead. Call a friend, order takeout, watch a movie with my kids. Schedule a massage. Something that could take my mind off of H just for long enough that I could get past that momentary impulse to contact him. Even now when I have the urge to go yell at him or ask him where his head is these days, instead I find something else to do, run a bath, read a book, go out and work on my garden. (Sometimes. But I'm getting better at this.)

One thing that I resisted for a long time was realizing just how terribly my H was treating me, how selfish and manipulative he was being. I wonder if you are also a little in that place. I feel a lot of sadness in your posts that your W is in an A, but I'm not hearing any anger. Anger isn't a healthy emotion to spend too much time in, but it has its place and right now, you deserve to feel angry. She has lied to you and cheated on you for more than a year. She gaslit you and got your MC to do the same. What are you seeing in her behavior that makes you think she's in any way worthy of you as her W?

I might encourage you to spend a little time here, thinking on what you want in a W and whether she's demonstrating she is that person, to you, today. Maybe she was in the past and you can mourn that. But you have a right to be angry over how she has betrayed your love and your trust, and maybe you can use that anger to your advantage. (I always recommend the chump lady website when you need a boost in this area.)

xoxo M


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D11
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
9/20-present R attempt #2
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Originally Posted by Mar252
Yail, thank you. My W and I both went away this weekend separately and it is the first time in 21 years we were NC. It was extraordinarily difficult for me not to pick up the phone and call her all weekend. I finally caved on my 4 hour drive home.


So this is when a 2x4 might be coming your way.

Originally Posted by Mar252
I called her first. It was a strained conversation and I probably shouldnít have even bothered trying. She is totally distant.


Ouch. You have been burnt again by the fire.
NC is hard... really hard. Detachment... fvcking svcks. It is however the only way you can start protecting your heart Mar. Every time you do this - you open yourself for pain. You want to put boundaries on your wife... but the work starts within. Pulling back is about setting a boundary on yourself because you know... it's going to be painful and so out of emotional safety - you take care of yourself.

Originally Posted by Mar252
Although, she says she is not ready for a divorce I really think she has made up her mind that she no longer wants this marriage. I am convinced that she has fallen in love with the OW.


This is mind reading. The bigger question is what do you need to do. Obviously the want is to be married - but that's not on the table now. So what do you want/need? Try to tell us and leave out your wife if that makes sense. For example:

"I need emotional safety"
"I need emotional support"
"I need to feel good about myself"

And then ask yourself? How do I go about getting these things that I need.

((Mar))


M(f): 38
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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Originally Posted by may22
I feel a lot of sadness in your posts that your W is in an A, but I'm not hearing any anger. Anger isn't a healthy emotion to spend too much time in, but it has its place and right now, you deserve to feel angry. She has lied to you and cheated on you for more than a year. She gaslit you and got your MC to do the same.


May, I am incredibly sad and just as equally angry but I have a great deal of difficulty dealing with the anger. Anger is an alien emotion for me. It takes a great deal to get me angry and I am usually just able to work through it and let it go. This time the anger is incredibly overwhelming and I have no idea how to process it. It has turned me into a person I do not recognize. I have used it to strike out at my wife on too many occasions recently. I have thrown a lot of daggers at her that have resulted in some nasty arguments. All of which have just made our situation worse.

Originally Posted by may22
What are you seeing in her behavior that makes you think she's in any way worthy of you as her W?


Nothing, and this just makes me angry with myself because despite her behaviors (EA with OW, denial of EA, insistence that she is just friends with OW, gaslighting, hours and hours of telephone conversation with OW, ILYBIANILWY, request for S, etc) I still do not want to let her go. What the hell is wrong with me that I still want to save my M despite everything that she is doing?

Originally Posted by Valeska19
Pulling back is about setting a boundary on yourself because you know... it's going to be painful and so out of emotional safety - you take care of yourself.


Valeska, thank you for this. You are absolutely right I do need to start setting boundaries on myself.


Originally Posted by Valeska19
This is mind reading. The bigger question is what do you need to do. Obviously the want is to be married - but that's not on the table now. So what do you want/need? Try to tell us and leave out your wife if that makes sense. For example:

"I need emotional safety"
"I need emotional support"
"I need to feel good about myself"

And then ask yourself? How do I go about getting these things that I need.


I need all of these things. I am working on it. My first step will be to physically distance myself from my W. I cannot do this in-house separation. I just cannot handle it emotionally. I keep confronting and attacking her. As a result, I have decided to leave the first week in November. I am going to go home to my family (sister & parents).

I will need support and advice from all of you on how to handle the physical S. I have no idea how I will be able to manage it.

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Mar,

Iím sorry your going through this, i have been there myself with my W in a PA a couple times, we always reconíd and this BD she filed and I donít see any OM. Thatís what makes me worry. She left the home without telling me and that sucked I attacked yesterday and it was bad. I had to apologize for it and she said ďI understandĒ each and every time I say something sideways to her she gets pushed farther away. And each and every time I act right she comes closer. I donít know if our M can make it this time but Iím am certain if I donít control myself it lowers the chances every time. Iíve gone off on her like 3 times in the last 2 months since BD. Donít feel too bad we all do it. Please do whatever you can to stop. I also fight the urge to reach out to her, tell her I love her and Iím sorry for taking her for granted, beg her to reconsider, she has showed hesitation in her no before when I asked but sheís still setting up shop elsewhere and even set up the kids room elsewhere. So yeah pushing is really not helping either of us at all. I think we tend to be the ones losing something at first and we panic and we everything we are gonna lose. As long as we cannot detach, act as if and let go they wonít get to the phase they are losing anything and true recon wonít happen. If you do want to save your M try to think ďnot calling her is giving me a better chance to save the MĒ or ďstanding for my M alone means standing for my M aloneĒ I try to do that, Iíve messed up but I have wrote probably 50 texts I never sent her just thinking those 2 things.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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Originally Posted by Mar252
My first step will be to physically distance myself from my W. I cannot do this in-house separation. I just cannot handle it emotionally. I keep confronting and attacking her. As a result, I have decided to leave the first week in November. I am going to go home to my family (sister & parents).

I will need support and advice from all of you on how to handle the physical S. I have no idea how I will be able to manage it.


You manage it one day at a time. If that is too much, one hour at a time. If that is too much, one minute at a time...all the way to 1 second at a time if needed.

Clearing your mind from thoughts/regrets of the past and fear of the future helps. Get into the present as much as possible. Have goals and focus your thoughts and actions on your goals.


I learned to channel my anger into positive actions. Do not fear your emotions. They are meant to be felt. They are there to guide you. There are good books out there.


You can handle it. HUGS


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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May, Valeska, Steve, R2C - Thank you all for the advice and support. I've made the final decision that I cannot emotionally handle an in-house separation. I bought my plane ticket this morning. I am leaving on Nov 7th and going to stay at my families home. I think I am going to give myself 3 months to emotionally decompress. I'll then have to decide which direction I want to go in. I will need to decide where I want to live, will need a new job to fully support myself, essentially I will be starting from scratch.

I think the final thread that was keeping me attached to my W snapped yesterday. We got into another argument. She started screaming at me over a meal I bought her for lunch. I realize she wasn't angry over the meal but about our entire situation. We are both incredibly hurt and angry with one another. I am angry because she refuses to acknowledge that her relationship with the OW is wrong. She continues to claim it is just a "friendship". And she is angry with me because I will not let it go and keep accusing her and throwing "daggers".

We both agree that it would be best to do the full physical separation. I have no idea where it will lead or where we will go from here. I just want to get away from her and figure out a way to begin healing.

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Mar, that's rough. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. One thing I wish I would have done is find the strength, or channel the anger, to go NC. It's easy to say "yeah let em go to get em back, etc" . But it's hard thing to truly implement. What happens in the next months will either A) prove that you W is not someone worthy of you and (believe me) you will heal and grow in ways you never thought were possible. Or B) W will wake up and you will have grown and healed and then YOU get to decide what you want for yourself. Either outcome will only bring you strength and growth. To get there you have to take back your power for your life. All of your WWs actions are telling you that she is not protecting or valuing your feelings. Give yourself a break and some time to decide if you want to continue in life with someone that would make a conscious effort to do that to you. I feel like you are such a strong woman and I have zero doubts that you will eventually look back at this and realize how much it helped you grow (as crappy as it is right now).

((Mar)) Thinking of you.

Kristin


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
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Mar252 Offline OP
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Kristen,

Thank you for the support. This week has been quiet. We have both pulled away since the last blow up. She has been coming home late from work all week, eating dinner and going to bed. Today was the first time in a couple of weeks that she actually called me from work to ask if I was ok. I told her I was incredibly sad and just taking it one day at a time. She admitted that she has hit rock bottom and has not had time to deal with any of her emotions because she is incredibly busy at work and comes home to crash. It was a brief conversation.

I have one week left before I get on a plane and leave. No idea what this separation will look like, full NC, partial NC, no clue. I only bought a one way plane ticket and don't know when I will be returning. Our D24 asked me today how long I will be gone for and I told her I didn't know. Told her that her mother and I needed a break from one another for a while. She seemed a bit taken aback that I would not be here for Thanksgiving. It took her by surprise.

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Hi all,

I've been gone a couple of months. I did get on a plane on Nov 7th and left my W to come stay with my family. Two months later and I am still away from home. Leaving was definitely the best decision I could have made for my emotional well being. I believe I've been able to let go of the blinding anger that I was feeling towards her. My sister has been an absolute life saver. She has served as an emotional support, my GAL partner, keeping me busy and my mind distracted. She divorced her H after 25 years of marriage so knows exactly what I am going through.

I've made the decision to remain here another month and return home the first week in February. I need to go home and figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life, i.e., need a new job, new place to live, etc. All of which will be extraordinarily difficult as I still cannot picture a future without my W. I absolutely love her and don't know how I will feel going back home and doing an in-house separation until I am ready to move on emotionally and financially.

My W and I have been in contact since I left. The holidays were excrutiating for me but I managed to limit our conversations. She would primarily call when she needed help with something. I was the one that paid all the household bills, dealt with handyman, IT issues, etc., so she would call anytime she had a question about paying a bill, needed a phone number for something, login or password help. All conversations were civil and never any R talks until today.

I called her this morning and told her I was thinking about coming home and needed to know how she felt about it and what to expect when I arrived. We had a 2 hour long conversation that was heart breaking but necessary. She reiterated that our marriage is over, she cannot give me what I want and just wants to concentrate on working on herself but she also said she wasn't ready to make a final decision about divorce. Said she wasn't giving herself a timeline and was just taking it one day at a time. Told me it was completely up to me to decide how I wanted to move forward with my own life. She also expressed concern about the in-house separation. I validated as best I could. Told her that I will respect her feelings and decision despite the fact that it is not what I want. Agreed that I would permanently move into the spare bedroom until I was ready to move out.

Moving forward I will need a lot of support from you guys to DB appropriately. I know I will need to continue to GAL once I return home, work on my 180's and make a plan to move out eventually. I know I need to do all these things for myself but I truley cannot fathom letting go of my W. I've never loved anyone the way I love her and never imagined losing her. A divorce is the last thing in the world I want, but if I want to be realistic, I think I will be like a lot of other LBS on here and eventually be the one to file.

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