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kml Offline
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Narcissist or not? Does the label matter? Can people change?


In my case the label does matter a lot, because it explains so much of the dysfunctional behavior regarding our children since the divorce. It also makes it easier to deal with or maneuver around him knowing this about him. For instance, I don't bother anymore to go to him for help with anything to do with our adult kids because it's going to a dry well; the best I can do is try to maneuver to make him think something is helpful to HIM or would make HIM look good if he did it.

Can narcissists change? Not impossible but the change rate for personality disorders is very low because they don't usually think they have a problem.

However - it IS important to note that many previously normal spouses can LOOK like they have a personality disorder during MLC. It's important to base your assessment not on how they are NOW, but on an honest look at how they were before. My ex definitely had a midlife crisis, but prior to that he was chronically dissatisfied, critical of others, intermittently unfaithful (probably more than I knew at the time, now that I look back at certain suspicious incidents that I rationalized away at the time). And as stated, things in our life together always revolved around what HE wanted to do, in part because he would whine about it if I made plans, say, with a couple he didn't enjoy (or think were cool enough) or to take the family somewhere he didn't enjoy. (He couldn't suffer through a day at Disneyland with the kids without whining about it so eventually I just took then without him - seriously, it was one day a year, only 60 minutes away, but you would have thought he was being tortured.) I'm not rewriting history - I still can see and appreciate the good things about our relationship - but I'm seeing what should have been obvious to me but I couldn't see with the rose colored glasses on.

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Hello wooba

kml said it well. We need to look at our spouses as they were and not as they currently are. Of course they currently look like they have a personality disorder, for they do, they are in MLC.

My wife started to show signs of disorder two or so years before BD. It mostly was her behaving, and thinking, like a teenager. Cringeworthy and embarrassing behaviour or remarks. This was not all time, and was basically seen and overlooked by family and friends. One more of the over the top times was at a restaurant; W’s remarks and behaviour actually cleared the other two tables, the people left. Looking back from where I am now, I can see the young girl, desperately trying to get out.

There were even a few rare occasions where she was more a young girl. I still have a text where W “changed” mid conversation and became a girl of around 7 years of age.

Strange stuff. The fragility of the mind.

D


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wooba Offline OP
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Thank you both for your input.

I think I was a little rattled after reading the book. lol. Was H an narcissist?? Was I an "empath"?? Was I taken advantage of during our whole M??

Those feelings have calmed down. After some rumination, I think H's changes have mostly happened recently, presumably when his MLC started few years ago. He might have already had some narcissistic traits, and those have been amplified since.

Either way, I've spent far too much time in the last few days focused on dissecting H and our past R than I'd like.

This weekend H invited us over to check out his new place (!!!). It is still very strange to me, considering before this I did not know where he lived for the entire year.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed as of lately. The boys are getting older and they have more and more activities and academic responsibilities which require a lot of time and energy from me. I don't know how I got through last year, but I did! I guess there is nothing left to fear. ha!


Last edited by wooba; 10/07/20 02:22 PM.

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Life recently presented me with a possible (second) career path. I’ve never thought I’d get another chance at an office job in my life anymore since I’ve been a sahm for so long. I’m kind of excited about the prospect, but at the same time very reluctant to be a full time working *single* mom. I have started a business and it already has a steady revenue stream, but what’s lacking to me is self-growth and the industry (education) limits me to interact with mainly only teachers/parents (not very exciting). It’s possible to do both, but it will not be easy.

And I might be thinking too much ahead as I have only been able to get my foot in the door so far. Lol. Maybe ultimately they will decide that I’m not qualified enough for the position!

So, working mamas out there, what’s your take? Taking an almost entry level job at a prestigious company and work my way up vs focusing on my own business with more flexibility? What am I gonna do with my kids? Gosh! Can’t a gal have it all?

Last edited by wooba; 10/12/20 03:05 PM.

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Yay Wooba!

The universe is granting you opportunities to explore your potential! You have nothing to fear by exploring every nook and cranny of this opportunity at this point in time. The logistics will fall into place if it is meant to be. But at this stage, enjoy the potential of your becoming! It might be this job, or it may be that the confidence boost you receive by exploring this job leads to your availability for the next one. Either way, you go, girl!

Yes, a gal can have it all! You have done so much hard work leaning into the solo-mama gig, I bet you can pretty much accomplish anything. You might have to ask more of H, you might have to ask more of your kiddos, but no matter what, if it is best for you, it will be best for all.

In the meantime, take it all a day at a time. You've got this, you know.

xx
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Hi Wooba,

I second Sage-- you should totally explore the possibility of this new opportunity. Learning as much as you can about it will only help you to make your decision, and even if you decide this isn't the right choice for you right now, it is still good practice for interviewing, etc. and will put you in a better position down the line.

I'd ask as many questions as you can about the workplace culture and spend some time thinking through what are your must-haves and nice-to-haves in terms of a job (my exec coach also makes me think about my "misery makers" so that I can identify and avoid them).

You're in a good position in that you have your entrepreneurial business going such that you could either gear up and add something new OR continue to focus your work energy there-- and if you decide to try out this new job and decide it isn't for you, you didn't have to quit a job to get that experience.

Congrats, Wooba! This is awesome.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Thanks Sage and May!! I think I will give it a shot. I'm gonna have to dust off my resume!! I think it is exciting, and I am grateful that my friend thought of me when the opportunity came up. I'm trying to not get caught up thinking about childcare and the logistics right now and focus my energy on the initial process.

other news -

The kids and I visited H's new place. I even stayed around for a bit. Yup, he's still drinking. We ended up having dinner all together three nights in a row last weekend. He offered and I followed along. I don't mind as long as he's acting normal and he's paying, ha! The kids enjoyed spending time with him as well.

And then today he sent me the D papers he drafted, saying we should get our lawyers together. Don't get me wrong, I also at this point want everything to be settled. But not on the terms he's setting!!!

and seriously, I'm getting major Jekyll and Hyde vibes from him. On one hand he can take us all out for dinners and have a good time, and then he turns around and emails me accusing me off making a unnecessary extravagant purchase (I had to buy something for S11 for a school event). wth is going on??

The pattern so far is - spewing behind the keyboard and attack with emails. which is exactly what cowardly cyber bullies do.

Ain't nobody got time for that


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Hooray that you were noticed for the great Wooba that you are!

My advice is to go through the whole interview process. Use it as practice and see it as fun. Don't take it too seriously. Just check it out and see what it's like to interview, etc.

If you get the job, you'll know more by then if you want it.

And you may also find that they are interested in a flex-time or partially remote schedule that would give you time with your kids too.

I do know that interviewing itself is a great way to get a GAL, and so is a job, any job. You don't have to stay forever, if you get it. Use it to catapult yourself into your next phase!

Last edited by Gerda; 10/14/20 04:10 AM.

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I've been busy busy busy!!

I sent my resume out few days ago. Now it's just a waiting game. I forgot what this feels like.....nerve-racking!!
But I have to agree, Gerda, that this is the best GAL activity ever. I've spent very little time thinking about H.

I'm meeting my official divorce L tomorrow. Hopefully we can wrap things up sooner than later.


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That's great, Wooba! Fingers crossed on the job... and even if this one doesn't pan out, it gets you in the mindset for what's next.

On the L and D-- I remember you saying before that there were complications to getting divorced in the country where you live now-- are you still worried about that?

You seem really balanced and strong. I love the ain't nobody got time for his BS. Yasss. smile


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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