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AndrewP Offline OP
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Happy Wednesday! I've been posting a lot lately but there's a lot going on at least in my head. I yearn for the days when I was stuck coming up with something twice a week.

I did just have a laugh - I usually compose these posts over a matter of hours as thoughts come and go and as work ebbs and flows. Lots of activity. And quite a lot of validation and support ((hugs))

It's nice to see the various "old-timers" (I hate to think of us as the "vets" that Newcomers look to as the arbiters of all that is Truth) share stories of various divorce law permutations and of ex-spouse antics. Something that can be of value to others I am sure. And it also helps those of us to know that no matter how freaky our ex-partners may have been, just like The Four Yorkshiremen - there's is always a story that will top the last one.

Nothing much happening here. S sent the boys home yesterday via her son-in-law who had to go back to work. I believe she's down at her Dad's house for another day or so. S18 wanted to go to work today and S13 wants to go back to his Dad's house. I have some driving to do. They got in about 11:00 pm last night and were chatting away in the kitchen right below my bedroom.

Bizarrely to me - I'm not feeling much urge to defend S from the bashing which goes against what I "should" be feeling / doing. Perhaps because I am finding myself agreeing with a good portion of what is being written. Which makes me very very sad. S, I felt really wanted this to work and perhaps felt it was working. I certainly have shown a lot of patience and forbearance with the unpacking.

It does illustrate to me at least that the person you live with only resembles the one you dated although there were so many things I glossed over in the fury of her attention. Love-bombing does work, especially on low conflict easy-going people like me.

How much awareness does S or people like her have? I suspect not a lot. Is it possible that a therapy session will get her to realize that her actions and inaction are hurting our relationship? Dunno - but doubtful. Her past has numerous stories of her going back to a former partner repeatedly trying to "fix" what she felt she might have done wrong - which I interpreted in one way that might have been very different in reality. I took it as her pretzeling herself in unreasonable ways - being thinner, more fabulous, younger, all the things that many here are familiar with as they "fought for their marriage". None of it is sustainable for the long term though.

It bothers me how "normal" it feels to me to think about the probable end of this relationship. As if I never really invested heavily into it emotionally. Am I really that cold of a person? I do know that I do have the to view things dispassionately under some circumstances. When my marriage ended it was horrific. When the relationship with B ended it was hard and I kept looking for answers and fixes. This time ??

But I also feel very guilty. Guilt along with sadness are the fundamental emotions at play here.

And who knows - with help, I may be able to find ways to deal with things and to also assist S in getting herself on track for a more productive life where we can have more of a partnership here. And yes - I know that the odds could be considered slim and the question of if either of us would be able to commit to that investment is unanswered.

---

Speaking of food it was interesting to be bacheloring it again. I had liver and onions on Monday night, sausages and oven baked potato wedges last night. Easy to make. Like Dawn, I am a huge fan of the crock-pot. S owns one that still I think has the original stickers on it. My smaller one is the only one that gets pulled out. S likes to - when she cooks - to pull out the largest (and hardest to clean) pots and do things on the stove-top. She has made tomato soup once. We have a lot of random left-over meat in the freezer at this point and I think I may make up a "random meat stew" today. Feeling inspired.

Weird that the guy who used to only cook for the family once a week (but always made a hot breakfast) is the person who focuses on healthy meals vs the single mom who was under very tight budget constraints who bought convenience foods.

Part of this though I'm nearly sure on was because her kitchen was never actually usable. The dishwasher was always full, the sinks both filled with dishes "to soak", random dirty plates, cups etc scattered around the apartment. When I go to do something in the workshop, the first task is usually to clean up the surfaces and tools (and most days the last task). She does consider herself a "baker" but when we were dating she only baked one thing. Since she's been here she's done a couple of pies and a few other things that I don't recall.

I gave her a virtual eye-roll this past Sunday when she did actually get up around when I did and said that I could make her breakfast. We were down to 2 eggs so I made pancakes with a certain amount of muttering.

Normally it seems that the kids are on their own for most nutritional needs. She has put some effort into having a "normal" sit-down dinner a couple of times a week. I have commented that the high sodium content of most pre-packaged foods are a problem for me which I "think" hadn't crossed her mind. The boys aren't used to this and I think find it weird. S18 subsists largely on frozen pizza and "unsweet tea" (waves to Dawn). S13 pretty much eats nothing except for pre-packaged gluten free mac and cheese.

---------------

Back to work. Something that I've been worried about for a while now seems to be happening more. We're experiencing a driver shortage that is now starting to really be felt and seems to be getting worse. Train crews seem to be having some difficulty filling out too. Stock up on toilet paper everyone!

Since I never really disconnected from the office and plant, it's not too big of a shift for me to get back into the swing of things. I had a pretty clear idea of customer demand and available containers and product so was able to get things together for the day.

We're going into a planned shutdown next week. I'll be on site two days instead of the regular one. There's some people I need to meet with about some of the changes being made while the plant is cool. I also have to probably do a fair bit of juggling to make sure orders move smoothly - I've been told our heat-exchanger will be out of service for at least a few days and I need that for some of the products.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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kml Offline
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there were so many things I glossed over in the fury of her attention. Love-bombing does work, especially on low conflict easy-going people like me.


Yeah - one of the big challenges for us post-divorce is to learn how to pay attention to the red flags and not keep repeating the same mistakes.

Quote
And it also helps those of us to know that no matter how freaky our ex-partners may have been, just like The Four Yorkshiremen - there's is always a story that will top the last one.


Yes, bttrfly's story makes me grateful that the only way my ex has been a problem financially since the divorce is in him sticking me with all the unexpected financial help needed for our adult children post-divorce (he feels since he pays me alimony I should be responsible!). It's a d!ck move on his part but nothing like what some others have experienced, and I come out ahead in the end as my relationships with my kids are strong and his are crumbling as a result of it.

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It bothers me how "normal" it feels to me to think about the probable end of this relationship. As if I never really invested heavily into it emotionally. Am I really that cold of a person?


No, you're not. It's just that after what we've been through, we're more realistic about relationships - and their potentially temporary nature. I've known CMM was going to die since very early in our relationship, so I don't really feel quite the same sense of impending loss that one might feel if this had happened after a long time together - it's more as if I got into a relationship with a guy who was terminal from the beginning. It's sad and I feel bad for him and I choose to be here for him through that process - but he can be so difficult I'm sure I'll feel a sense of relief when it's over too.

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*Waves back from behind a big ole ice cold glass of sweet tea*

Seriously, what is it with you people north of the Mason/Dixon line? I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against unsweet tea and actually drink it just as often as sweet tea, but there is just something about good, ice cold sweet tea to make everything seem right with the world. Of course, what can I expect from people who don't know about biscuits and gravy either...………...sigh...………………………..


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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You didnt get the chance to invest emotionally. She pushed her agenda. You skipped the actual fun dating getting to know eachother period to getting married and moving chaos into your home. You became a caregiver instead of a partner right off the bat.

There is a lot of value in the dating phase. And I hope in your future you take the time and date instead of rushing into cohabitation and engagement

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You became a caregiver instead of a partner right off the bat.


Oh Ginger, you nailed that one!!!

Happened to me too but more accidentally (not CMM's fault he got lung cancer) and honestly I don't feel like it's too uneven since he cooks for me every night and does a lot (too much!) of the cleaning in the house.

But in your case Andrew you got very little of the goodies and went straight to being her life jacket.

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AndrewP Offline OP
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Out of the mouths of babes ....

I had to drive S18 to work and S13 over to his Dad's which takes 45 minutes. S13 was chatty and passed on some information without being asked.

Each kid is getting a legacy of $2k which is pretty exciting for them and they have spent some time thinking about how it would be spent. S13 won't get his until he turns 18 which he's fine with.

He also had this great plan that his Dad would move with his Mom into that house - not that he's looking for a reconciliation I'm sure, but that his Dad lives in varying rentals. There's been a couple of times that the question has come around - presumably from the kids - of if he could move in to where she's living.

It seems that his Mom's plan (which I know nothing about) is to come home for a few days and then go back to her Dad's house for a few days. My only information is that she is coming home tomorrow - undoubtedly quite late. S18 isn't expecting her until Friday.

From what S13 said, I'm sure that the option of them moving into that house was talked about. Personally I can't see that happening as she won't have the funds to buy her brother's 1/2. Since her Dad is in his mid 80s I would presume the insurance policy he carried was modest and the house will probably go for about 500K given that it is in a quiet suburb well placed for access to hospitals, universities etc. We can assume no outstanding debts.

After I dropped the boys off I took a chance and messaged S a suggestion that we postpone or cancel our counseling session set for next Tuesday because the world is spinning just a bit too fast right now. She asked if she could get back to me later as her best friend had just stopped in - and I'm sure it was a suggestion out of the blue. We do need to give decent notice to cancel though. Also, if she is indeed going to be here for a few days and then away, that overlaps our appointment which I could imagine would escape her mind given the circumstances.

It was perhaps not good that I nudged S on this at this time but it seemed like the decent thing to do.

I do really think that she is taking this opportunity to weigh her various options. This would be the first time "ever" that she would be in a position to make it completely on her own without the belt tightening of living on child support. She has her daughters there who may or may not know about the tensions back home although I'm sure that D26 is more than clever enough to figure that out especially if she's getting feedback from her husband who has a perspective that matches mine more closely.

I can't see her making that choice quickly though - although perhaps an ADD brain will be impulsive rather than procrastinating.
Originally Posted by kml
Quote
You became a caregiver instead of a partner right off the bat.


Oh Ginger, you nailed that one!!!

Happened to me too but more accidentally (not CMM's fault he got lung cancer) and honestly I don't feel like it's too uneven since he cooks for me every night and does a lot (too much!) of the cleaning in the house.

But in your case Andrew you got very little of the goodies and went straight to being her life jacket.
I know that S in many ways thinks that I do too much around the house and that undoubtedly she feels that dishes don't need to be done every day nor the cat boxes cleaned. They weren't at her apartment.

You are right kml - in many ways I'm doing about as much here as I did when S was laid up with her back out and I was nurse.

Time to call it a day. I'm at the plant tomorrow. I doubt if S will be here when I get home. I have left-over "random meat stew" (mostly pork - some chicken) in the fridge that I made today. It's not that good, but it's food we own. I have the few dishes that are dirty to do, the cat boxes to clean and then off to bed where I probably won't be woken at 2:30 am to get up at 5:00


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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From what S13 said, I'm sure that the option of them moving into that house was talked about. Personally I can't see that happening as she won't have the funds to buy her brother's 1/2.


Oh Andrew, Andrew - you naive boy! She's gonna move into that house, and wait for probate (which could take a very long time if the will is as sketchy as it sounds) and try to gain the advantage over her brother. Possession, after all, is 9/10 of the law, and she seems to feel perfectly entitled.

Also, I suppose it's possible that between 1/2 the insurance and 1/2 of his retirement savings, she could have enough to buy her brother out. It's also possible that the will isn't 50:50 as you assume, but that she got her dad to sign a will that favored her over the brother. You ASSume she would take the prudent financial path - be fair about the inheritance, maintain the house in good condition until it's sold, and use her share to perhaps buy a less expensive home outright to live in with the kids or pay off her consolidation loan and invest the rest to provide some income. But that would be completely out of character for her AND not in keeping with her hoarder/shopaholic tendencies.

Interesting that S13 told you that about his dad moving in. I wonder if that's just wishful thinking on his part, or if this was being planned while he was there? Seems like a clueless thing to be telling you. But he probably just sees it all through the lens of here's a nice (clean!) place we could all move into - ignoring the reality that it will become another hoarders palace in no time.

Too bad about his $2k though - I'd be very surprised if it's still there once he turns 18.

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In fact, my prediction is she WON'T pay off the consolidation loan so she CAN buy out her brother and you will be left holding the bag.

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oh G*d ... so much to comment on. Where to begin?

Andrew, as G so rightly pointed out, you weren't given the opportunity for this relationship to develop naturally. You are not a cold person. How invested can one be after 1 year? There's no comparison between that and your marriage.

I have a good friend who won't even consider dating someone exclusively for 8 months in. Why? Because he maintains that for about the first year both parties are on their best behavior, so you don't see the real person until you're close to the one year mark. Make of that what you will. Please stop owning what isn't yours to own. The expression "stay in your own hula hoop" comes to mind.

Andrew, you didn't co-sign that loan, did you? I'm confused by Kml's 'left holding the bag' comment.

At this point my friend I'm wondering on the odds of her bailing before you have a chance to air your items. Any gamblers care to weigh in?


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I think she will bail and i also think it would be best for both Andrew and S.

Not so much for the kids. ( sad ).

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