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Re: Journey of me and H Part 2 [Re: PLC] #2905897
10/16/20 02:12 AM
10/16/20 02:12 AM
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PLC Offline OP
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Thank you Dnj,

Youíre right. Iíll break the ice. I canít now, because the door is shut and it is dark in there. So tomorrow I will make the effort.

PLC

Re: Journey of me and H Part 2 [Re: PLC] #2905972
10/16/20 10:00 PM
10/16/20 10:00 PM
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PLC Offline OP
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Well I didnít have to break the ice.

He came home, I was in the den on the phone And he walked in, said hi.

He brought home some cookies and scones from the bakery. He didnít have to.

I thanked him.

PLC

Re: Journey of me and H Part 2 [Re: PLC] #2905985
10/17/20 08:04 AM
10/17/20 08:04 AM
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roist Offline
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Glad the ice is broken. Can you move on without confronting H? I think that would probably be best. BUT it's you that has to live your life so ultimately you decide if you need to or not. Examine why that need is there if so. Usually it's because the other isn't behaving the way we think they should. As LBS we find it hard to accept that things have changed and what was once normal has changed. To the WAS there are no longer any obligations for anything. The old "rules" no longer count.

Maybe H didn't say anything out of spite but I doubt it. Maybe he didn't even think about telling you. The new H has no accountability. But the most likely is he avoided a situation of conflict.

Plus I think the gest with the goodies from the bakery probably shows he knows he has something to make up for so at some level he realises he wasn't correct with you.

The LBS gets to decide their limits and boundaries. It's important. But it's crucial to pick them wisely. Being where ye are at is him not letting you know that he's got plans a big issue for you? Common courtesy aside. I know it's not nice to be on the receiving end. You have to decide how big a deal it is for you.

If you can't let it go, ask yourself why and be sure it's something that will help you going forward. Not all our issues that seem important are in the scheme of things, but we do get hung up on them for various reasons.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
Re: Journey of me and H Part 2 [Re: PLC] #2905994
10/17/20 02:08 PM
10/17/20 02:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,478
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Good Morning PLC

I do think the treats were a bit of an apology, a somewhat acknowledgement that he did wrong. Even if it is mostly subconscious to H.

His path is mostly about how he feels. The last few days of you not reacting like you used to, may have given him some pause. Dare I think, maybe even a feeling of ďhey, PLC didnít deserve to be treated that wayĒ. However, that will be short lived, as feelings are. So donít get your expectations up on him being better next time. Or worse. Or the same. Ah, the path of zero expectations. smile

With the ice once again broken, remain kind and cordial. Thanking him for the cookies and scones was a good thing to do. It was common courtesy, acknowledged his actions, and responded kindly to his greeting. A fine example to demonstrate. He was watching, make no mistake, he watches you. And he may even follow your lead.

Good begets good. Itís the timeframe we get hung up on. Be patient.

Reflecting upon this latest event, and your 180 of not being confrontational. How do you feel? What do think of this ďyouĒ? Better, worse? Would you like non-reaction, letting go, to be more your default?

Originally Posted by PLC
he knows that I would have gotten angry and reacted in a bad manner. By being silent that is not the old me.

Originally Posted by PLC
I will be friendly. Keep him surprised. He expects naggy PLC. Nope. She's not here.

We discover our beliefs, our values, our defaults, ones that we may not even realize. We have the amazing opportunity to strengthen ones we like, and alter or discard ones we donít.

It takes time to reinforce feelings and thoughts into a belief, a value.

Yes, naggy PLC wasnít here. She might pop up now and again; remember these feelings and thoughts, control your actions and reactions, and eventually it becomes second nature, it becomes a belief.

I absolutely believe in you and your abilities. What do you believe?

D


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Journey of me and H Part 2 [Re: PLC] #2905999
10/17/20 03:26 PM
10/17/20 03:26 PM
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Posts: 259
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PLC Offline OP
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I do not need to say anything to him about his behavior. There is no benefit to this. You both are right, he is in and out of consciousness regarding this MLC.

I embarrassingly need to state somethings-after looking back on MY behavior this week, I of course had no contact with him (I didnít even see him, really) I was naggy to my D. We increasingly became more at odds with each other. I think this was because of my uncertainty of his actions up until yesterday.

I need to 180 on my behavior with her as well.

Dnj I believe I can do this. You posted earlier about there is no try, I am all in.

This morning, he came home with more sweets, we were cordial.

PLC

Re: Journey of me and H Part 2 [Re: PLC] #2906006
10/17/20 05:21 PM
10/17/20 05:21 PM
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Hello PLC

Our feelings, our resentments towards our wayward spouses will come out, it needs too. This sometimes is directed at other people; people undeserving of such feelings. Work those resentments out with yard work, a good walk or run, a puzzle, whatever - it allows time to let the feelings pass.

Your interactions with your daughter reminded me of something from my situation; a caution, or tale, depending on how one sees things.

Back at the beginning, when my children were receiving some attention from XW (such as it was), I had feelings of jealousy. I was jealous of my children talking to their Mom because I so wanted to speak with XW.

Feelings that go unrecognized, will go unreconciled and unaccepted.

Now, Iím 99% not jealous. There are some rare times when that feeling pops up. I do laugh at myself for such a thing, and it goes away. Feelings are real, and so fleeting.

We all have embarrassing moments. We all learn and grow.

Originally Posted by PLC
Dnj I believe I can do this. You posted earlier about there is no try, I am all in.

Excellent!

D


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Journey of me and H Part 2 [Re: PLC] #2906037
10/17/20 10:01 PM
10/17/20 10:01 PM
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PLC Offline OP
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Hi Dnj,

The jealousy is very true for me.

I have even told my IC that I feel jealous. I am learning to let that go.

I have no reason except what you stated. How can he spend time with her and not me, too?

I am working past this, today I can say Iím fine, but if they go somewhere I have that knowing pang. I just need to to continue learning to get through it.

Letís see what the rest of the day brings.

PLC

Re: Journey of me and H Part 2 [Re: PLC] #2906064
10/18/20 01:33 PM
10/18/20 01:33 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,478
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DnJ Offline
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Happy Birthday PLC!


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Journey of me and H Part 2 [Re: DnJ] #2906067
10/18/20 02:27 PM
10/18/20 02:27 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,653
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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Happy Birthday!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Journey of me and H Part 2 [Re: PLC] #2906098
10/18/20 09:43 PM
10/18/20 09:43 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 259
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PLC Offline OP
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Thank you Dnj and job!

It has been an uneventful day. D and I are going to get a nice late lunch early dinner soon from a restaurant of my choosing.

Since we are in the LA area, this morning, she and I took a drive to see where a tv show renovation was. It was fun. H was home and has seen me and did not acknowledge my day. It is not expected, so I actually do not feel bad. I would actually be surprised if he did.

I was wondering what to do if we should include him in lunch plans, but he answered my question by leaving to go who knows where, so that took care of itself.

Non pandemic, I would be trying to get tickets to see game 7, but I will settle for a nice millionth night in a row in.

I really appreciate that you wished me HBD. Today, I have received phone calls, texts and messages from many friends from afar. I know I am not alone.

Thank you,

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