It made me really sad to read everything you have sacrificed for this woman who sacrifices nothing for you and takes advantage of your goodwill and money. Either she is very manipulative and selfish, or she needs some serious professional help.
I did not know a sacrifice you made was your brothers . That is so very sad. Did you mention this before?
You have given up so much for what? A stitch craft heart? That’s the crumb she has to throw your way?
You can go to the therapist and you can air your issues, and I absolutely thing they need to be discussed. But she isn t going to change who she fundamentally is.
You keep saying happiness is your own responsibility. I agree it is. So removing what is making you unhappy is the right move and your responsibility. People often misinterpret happiness is your own responsibility. You don’t rely on someone else to be your reason for happiness, but people can absolutely bring situations to us that make us unhappy. And it is our responsibility to remove ourselves from what doesn’t serve us, or serves us detrimentally
Btw I’m curious, that van full of stuff that she took to donate - did it come back empty? Did she dump it on her daughter? Or did she get rid of it but bring back other “finds” from the thrift store?
Still in the van. She said the donation place was closed. We are taking some donations to the animal sanctuary tomorrow. Old blankets and such.
Still following along. S is currently trying to be perfect partner and I am worried she's going to really throw her back out. She's overdoing it.
I do have some faith in this therapist. I will need to be clear and brutally honest. S has worked with her before and she has challenged S on her issues. We also did 3 group couples sessions late last winter so I have some experience with her.
The key issue is balancing compassion and optimism with what is best for Me. As someone who has a lifetime of minimizing my own needs this will be hard.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I’m not surprised the van is still full. After she arrived and they were closed (if they were) what kept her from going back the next day they were open? Either her ADD was such that she didn’t bother to check their hours or she just couldn’t face giving it all away (true hoarder behavior). I’m guessing the latter since if it was the first, she could easily have gone the next day and done it.
The key issue is balancing compassion and optimism with what is best for Me. As someone who has a lifetime of minimizing my own needs this will be hard.
Compassion - you’ve given plenty of that. Perhaps too much when accountability would have been more appropriate. Compassion has also led you to misinterpret her as “plucky hardworking single mom” instead of “manipulative lazy hoarder “. You can still have compassion for whatever causes her to be so broken but that doesn’t mean YOU have to take responsibility for fixing what can’t be fixed.
Optimism - how’s that work in’ for ya? You were optimistic that she filled the van with things to donate - but didn’t follow through. Many times you’ve been optimistic about her making headway in sorting things - but seriously, how many months has it been? Are the dining and living room still clean from a Thanksgiving?
It’s not selfish to have healthy boundaries. This is your life we’re talking about here.
(Btw Don I think the fact that Andrew is considering these things is proof that he’s digesting what we’ve been telling him. As I recall you aren’t exactly Johnny on the spot with taking advice either We all have to take things in on our own timetable.
just had this thought and wanted to put it out there:
isn't it a classic sign of relationship abuse for the abuser to isolate his/her victim from friends, family and loved ones?
giving up your brothers = isolating you giving up your children = isolating you not allowing you to socialize as you normally would without her there to monitor what's being said (ex. friends, the cafe/scone place) = isolating you surrounding you with S's brood = further isolating you, and convincing you that their way of living is the new 'normal'
Andrew, Don isn't wrong in suggesting you see your own therapist. We here can only be of so much help. The fact that this is a pattern (attracting domineering women) which has culminated in this level of dysfunction has presented you with a crisis point. This tells me it's an opportunity for you to really grow, with some professional guidance.
Andrew, remember this, if nothing else: everything you really want in life is on the other side of your fears.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Well, to be fair, I don’t think S deliberately isolated Andrew from his brothers and son - it’s more that Andrew enjoys spending time alone with them, they (at least his son) don’t enjoy socializing with her and her brood, and she (and her mess) [censored] up a lot of his time. Still, the end effect is the same. If Covid wasn’t here I think the hit to his social life would be more obvious.
Well, to be fair, I don’t think S deliberately isolated Andrew from his brothers and son - it’s more that Andrew enjoys spending time alone with them, they (at least his son) don’t enjoy socializing with her and her brood, and she (and her mess) [censored] up a lot of his time. Still, the end effect is the same. If Covid wasn’t here I think the hit to his social life would be more obvious.
I'm not sure about that K ... perhaps not consciously, but she has certainly moved in, taken over and taken Andrew hostage. His son, his girls have no place IN THE HOME HE GREW UP IN (which to me is just anathema). I'm not trying to stoke the already blazing fire into an inferno, but man ... it's clear to me that she has at best NO boundaries, and it's her way or there's a steep price to pay via various manipulative techniques which always end up with her getting even more and Andrew getting even less.
Man, this broad should have been in sales. If she had it together, she'd have made a killing.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
We all have to take things in on our own timetable.