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Re: Need guidance/help [Re: NZkiwi] #2905262
10/08/20 01:56 PM
10/08/20 01:56 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 7,620
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Steve85 Online
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If I had a dime for every LBS that thought one last heartfelt discussion would fix everything, I'd be retired and traveling fulltime for hunting seasons around the world!

So NKZ, you said you felt better afterwards. But why? Because you got a temporary stay on the splitting of the finances? Do you think that helps your sitch? Or is it a façade that makes you feel better temporarily? Or do you see that you just delayed the inevitable and now you will have to deal with that anxiety all over again some time in the future?

Your W seems to have a pretty good head on her shoulders. Asking if you are in IC. Your post screams to me of someone that desperately needs IC. You came to the board, got advice, then promptly ignore the advice and started an R talk where you repeated the mistakes that newbies usually make before finding this site. You admit that it made you look weak. Let me ask you a question. WHen your W hung up do you think she thought: "Wow, I am making a mistake. NKZ is the type of man that only a fool would leave!" or do you think she instead thought: "Wow, boy am I glad I am leaving that man to start a new life."

My guess? It was the latter rather than the former. I do not say that to hurt you. But you made two mistakes. First, not consulting the board before the phone call. Second, actually making the phone-call. Impulsiveness will set you back every time.

So where is your GAL? 180s and self-improvements? Detachment? I do not see any progress on those.

As far as the nesting, I am glad that is changing. I am not an advocate of nesting. I am an advocate of the WAS leaving the home and the LBS staying in the home, since the WAS is the one that wants to separate. Nesting NEVER works. So while I do not like how you got out of the nesting (she basically pitied you), at least it is coming to an end.

Remember, if you have any chance of Ring you have to start commanding respect. Be a boss! Be someone that respects himself. Your W will never be attracted back to you until she respects you. And tearful pleading phonecalls that reiterate what she already knows (you don't want this) isn't how you command respect.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Need guidance/help [Re: MrBrside] #2905456
10/11/20 07:30 AM
10/11/20 07:30 AM
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 17
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NZkiwi Offline OP
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NZkiwi  Offline OP
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Thanks MrBrside

I think i am finally understanding that this is a marathon. I guess deep down i was hoping and wanting this to be fixable and quickly.

This week will be a busy one for me, W has S and I have IC session and finally decided to go to the gym. baby steps lol.

It will also be the first time i will be home alone in the house. so lots of house work also to keep busy.

What are peoples thoughts on social media?

I have my profile pic of the two of us on facebook and Instagram....should i change it to just me?
Also what are the thoughts on changing my relationship status etc to single/complicated or just keep it as married??????

Oh and i have started to read "No more Mr nice guy". I am constantly told i am the nicest guy.
Another step to self improvement.

Re: Need guidance/help [Re: NZkiwi] #2905457
10/11/20 08:20 AM
10/11/20 08:20 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
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Mumin Offline
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Joined: Jan 2020
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Quick answer

My pics on FB are still of our wedding just over a year ago.
R status is still with her. (waiting till I'm legally not married).
She changed hers a long time ago. (She even removed pictures she's tagged in with me and pictures with the kids...)


If people tell you you are the nicest and you are serious about the books principles you need to realize this:
That change will also be a marathon. Maybe even longer then the sitch.
I'm thinking I will read the book once a year for as long as it takes, and I am NOT a fast reader.
There are some good podcasts that help on this subject as well.


Try to keep your mind on yourself and what you want to improve.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Re: Need guidance/help [Re: NZkiwi] #2905458
10/11/20 08:42 AM
10/11/20 08:42 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,767
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CWarrior Online
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Originally Posted by NZkiwi
I have my profile pic of the two of us on facebook and Instagram....should i change it to just me?
Also what are the thoughts on changing my relationship status etc to single/complicated or just keep it as married??????

Leave those be for now.

Originally Posted by NZkiwi
Oh and i have started to read "No more Mr nice guy". I am constantly told i am the nicest guy. Another step to self improvement.

It's okay to be nice, as long as you don't expect anything from it. I enjoy volunteer work.


May'19 - Girlfriend of 2yrs left. Aug'19 - We became a "broken" couple (I needed validation, she screamed). Dec'19 - We gave up and went NC. Mar'20 - I've changed and she's eager for MC and us again.
Re: Need guidance/help [Re: NZkiwi] #2905544
10/12/20 01:52 PM
10/12/20 01:52 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 7,620
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Steve85 Online
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Steve85  Online
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Originally Posted by NZkiwi
Thanks MrBrside

I think i am finally understanding that this is a marathon. I guess deep down i was hoping and wanting this to be fixable and quickly.

This week will be a busy one for me, W has S and I have IC session and finally decided to go to the gym. baby steps lol.

It will also be the first time i will be home alone in the house. so lots of house work also to keep busy.

What are peoples thoughts on social media?

I have my profile pic of the two of us on facebook and Instagram....should i change it to just me?
Also what are the thoughts on changing my relationship status etc to single/complicated or just keep it as married??????

Oh and i have started to read "No more Mr nice guy". I am constantly told i am the nicest guy.
Another step to self improvement.


My thoughts on SM is that no good comes from it. Delete your FB and IG accounts and never look back.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Need guidance/help [Re: NZkiwi] #2906053
10/18/20 04:14 AM
10/18/20 04:14 AM
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 17
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NZkiwi Offline OP
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NZkiwi  Offline OP
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Posts: 17
Thanks Mumin/CW

I asked as she hasn't changed her profile pic or profile.

I received a text from W starting talking about S3 but also stated that "i know your'e not ready to sell but I am going to contact a real estate agent for a valuation on our home"

How do I respond to that?

Re: Need guidance/help [Re: NZkiwi] #2906057
10/18/20 07:30 AM
10/18/20 07:30 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,308
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LH19 Online
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LH19  Online
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You don’t.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Need guidance/help [Re: NZkiwi] #2906059
10/18/20 07:50 AM
10/18/20 07:50 AM
Joined: Aug 2018
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dunnm Offline
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Sorry you are in this situation.
You need to see a solicitor, know what this is going to mean for you (and your son)

Re: Need guidance/help [Re: NZkiwi] #2906060
10/18/20 10:08 AM
10/18/20 10:08 AM
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NZ... sorry you are here and for what you are going through. i agree with what others have said. If she is not in a PA, she is in an EA. It is really rare for people to leave a marriage this easily unless they have a replacement in mind. I think this is especially true when they go straight to separating finances and wanting to live separately. If there wasn’t another person involved (either IRL or fantasy), there is usually more of a heads up and a “we’re in trouble here...can we try to fix it” approach. I think that it is no accident that most of the people who get “bombed” and end up here either know about the affair or find out about it a month or two after the WAS leaves. Do believe it when there are other signs pointing to an affair and they deny it. They lie. In my sitch, my XH looked directly into my eyes and swore to me “on our children’s lives” that there was no one else. He was engaged to that non-existent person before the ink had even dried on our separation agreement which happened six months after BD.

I’m not telling you this to be a Debbie Downer or discourage you from hoping for a different outcome. I’m telling you this because I can tell from what you have written that you are heading down the “DB to get her back” road. The truth is that while there are some stories of reconciliation on here, the vast majority end up divorced. And the people who struggle the most are the ones who try to use the DB techniques to manipulate their WASs into returning. Manipulation does not work. The point of DBing is to get you to a place mentally where you will be fine no matter what happens. GAL activities and other efforts made to detach from your spouse are key components of that. Let go of your expectations and your need to control the outcome. The more you try to control the outcome, the less likely it is to go your way.

Your W is way ahead of you. She has been detaching from you for months and possibly years. This is not something she has done on a whim...she has been thinking about this and envisioning a NZ-free future for a long time. And she has taken the HUGE step of telling you about it which is the hardest step for the WAS to take. If she goes back on that, it won’t be anytime soon. She wants out. The marriage you had is over. Maybe you can create a new one in the future but that won’t happen if you try to hang on to the old one. I KNOW how hard it is NZ but the sooner you accept this, the better off you will be. Most of us take a long time to do this and it is during the time period between BD and acceptance that we do and say things that accomplish nothing other than decrease our WAS’s attraction to us even further. So try really, really hard to step back from emotional, impulsive actions and reactions. Take the focus off of her and put it on you and your S3. Detach, detach, detach...

Also...regarding mixed messages...the source of these is almost always guilt. Your W does care about you...you were together for years and you are the father of her child...so of course she does. She also knows that ending a marriage in the manner that she has is a pretty sh!tty thing to do and that you are devastated whereas she feels like a big weight has lifted off her shoulders (she finally told you what she has been thinking about and planning for all this time). She feels guilty (she should!!) about that so she is nice to you once in awhile... but that doesn’t change the fact that she is still determined to see this through. My advice..if she wants to separate finances, etc... do not try to get in the way of that. At no other point in your sitch will she be as cooperative and agreeable as she is right now while she is still feeling bad about what she is doing. If you try to stand in her way or prolong things with the hope of getting her back, her guilt will lessen, her resentment of you will grow and it will get harder and harder to come to an agreement. As others have said... consult with a lawyer. It doesn’t matter if you want a separation/divorce or not... if your spouse is intent on getting one, it will happen. You should be prepared by knowing your rights and legal entitlements.

Anyway...that’s my two cents for what it is worth. BTW... my BD was just over two years ago. The first six months following it were the most painful and difficult months of my life. But I followed the advice of the people on this board (and made my share of blunders too...everyone does) and slowly but surely I detached and moved forward with my life. I’ve been divorced for a year now (feels more like three years tbh) and I am HAPPY. There is life after divorce and you can make it a great one. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Need guidance/help [Re: NZkiwi] #2906145
Yesterday at 06:55 AM
Yesterday at 06:55 AM
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NZkiwi Offline OP
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NZkiwi  Offline OP
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Posts: 17
Thanks LH, Dunmn and Deja

I always appreciate the advise and in most cases the bluntness helps.

I consulted a lawyer about a month ago to pre-empt what i thought was happening. Glad i did.

I didn't text back.

Today W and I talked cordially today about S3 and things we were going to purchase while separated. She also said that she had visited a lawyer. The longer this goes on the DB seems like its not going to happen.

I totally agree with Deja on the fact that she has wanted a NZ free life for a long time, today she seemed even more detached than normal almost cold and calculative.

While i still hold hope of her waking up or getting out of the cloud/fun of the EA or PA, I also know the W i knew, loved and married has gone, she is no longer the women I feel in love with.

On a bright note: I have my S3 this week and I have loved every second of having him home this afternoon with me. He gives me strength knowing that i have him.

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