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A Message from Michele
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Re: New to the club [Re: Taz] #2904331
09/22/20 11:55 PM
09/22/20 11:55 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,478
D
DnJ Offline
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DnJ  Offline
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D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,478
Hello Taz

Yes, the behaviour of an MLC spouse is quite bizarre. The complete opposite of who they once were.

These crisis people are emotionally dragged back to long ago torment(s) and pain, and relive that portion of their lives, over and over. They cannot face what happened or what they’ve done in attempt to run from their demons; blaming, projection, justifications, and so on.

Imagine, W is reliving as her 15 year old self. And she is married and has two boys both older than her, who are in college. Both of these “realities” existing together within her. Such confusion, she really cannot handle all of that. MLCers ignore and run. She “knows” she has kids and you, yet she cannot face that. Her emotions are cranked to 11, and she needs time and space to sort them out.

Her moments of facing reality bring with it all the guilt and shame of what she has done. That necessitates more running. It must be such a horrible journey to be on.

MLCers will expend incredible energies to maintain their fantasy. They have to.

However, they do recall, when their lives are quiet and still, like in the still of the night. Laying in bed, in the darkness, the demons come out to play. Lots of crisis people look sleep deprived; they cannot sleep and they use vices to avoid those quiet times.

My XW has texted one son at midnight and another five hours later at 5:00 am. She often looks haggard; I suspect her dreams are not pleasant.

The good and loving Mom, is buried under layers of guilt, shame, torment, and pains from long ago. As such, she can go for a long while without contacting her children, and when she does it is a shallow and empty conversation. These lost souls lose track of time, as they relive their pain and run. The world goes on, with them unaware of how much time is passing them by. As they try to make up for lost time, they loose so much more.

There is plenty to wrap one’s head around to make sense of MLC. A lot to accept. I found it a good path to seek understanding, compassion, and empathy. Give it time for these to grow and flourish, for if you attempt to rush you’ll drive yourself bonkers.

You are coming up on one year post BD - September 29th. W knows the date too. Plan to do something. If W calls, you got things to do and you’ll call her back, later. If she doesn’t call... either way you had a fun night out.

Take it on faith. The path of the LBS takes time to make sense of too.

You got this.

D


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: New to the club [Re: DnJ] #2905234
10/08/20 12:34 AM
10/08/20 12:34 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 38
T
Taz Offline OP
Member
Taz  Offline OP
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 38
D,

I survived the one year post BD day. Went to Key West with a group of friends for 5 days and had a great time. W finally reached out to S19 and S21. She sent them each a card saying she missed them and wanted to spend some time with them. S21 said he texted her and told her that would be nice. Time will tell if she follows through.

S21 is really starting to mature and become an adult. The other day he told me that Mom currently has the communication skills of a middle schooler. This agrees with your previous post on them regressing to a younger age.

Take care and get that snow blower ready,

Taz


Me54
W51
S20 S19 at BD
Married 22/ Together 27
BD 9/29/19 (came home from weekend fishing trip and wife had moved out with no warning)
Re: New to the club [Re: Taz] #2905241
10/08/20 01:49 AM
10/08/20 01:49 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,478
D
DnJ Offline
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DnJ  Offline
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D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,478
Hello Taz

Good for you getting away for five days. Glad you had a great time.

Interesting S21 placing Mom around the communication level of a middle schooler. I’m thinking your S21 sees pretty clearly. No doubt due to the fine guidance from you.

Thanks for the reminder. I really got to get my snowblower on earlier this year. smile

D


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: New to the club [Re: Taz] #2906044
10/17/20 11:59 PM
10/17/20 11:59 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 38
T
Taz Offline OP
Member
Taz  Offline OP
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 38
Got a text from W today on my way into church. “I asked my attorney to file. We will email you more info next week.”

I haven’t responded. Any advice? Not sure how to validate that or even if I should.

Taz


Me54
W51
S20 S19 at BD
Married 22/ Together 27
BD 9/29/19 (came home from weekend fishing trip and wife had moved out with no warning)
Re: New to the club [Re: Taz] #2906050
10/18/20 01:35 AM
10/18/20 01:35 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,478
D
DnJ Offline
Member
DnJ  Offline
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D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,478
Hello Taz

I feel for you. A text like that coming out of the blue is quite a gut punch.

There is no need to respond, she has not asked a question. If she has made up her mind to file, anything you say to the contrary will just add fuel to the fire. There is also no need to agree, for you don’t. Be patient and see what information comes your way. Ensure your financial security and protection are met in the agreement.

A lot of MLCers like to jerk around their spouse, playing games and not actually submitting an agreement. Just looking for a rise or a fight from you. If she pushes a D forward, let her own it and let her do the heavy lifting.

Keep moving forward and give her to God.

You are doing great. You will be ok.

D


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: New to the club [Re: Taz] #2906128
Yesterday at 01:34 AM
Yesterday at 01:34 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,175
G
Gerda Offline
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Gerda  Offline
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G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,175
I agree with DnJ in spirit but in practice, DnJ's experience versus mine is a good lesson for ya. DnJ's W filed and did it all so quickly that she wasn't able to try to destroy him and gave up her right to everything. If you have read my story, you can see an alternative outcome to letting the other side do a lot of heavy lifting, at least if she really does file. My H waited five years to file, and has spent the last two years trying to destroy me, all things far worse than anything he had done as a regular MLC guy.

My advice is to be ready to get the D done as quickly as possible, if she files, and every time you are tempted to think that getting a D has anything to do with your standing,remind yourself of the different outcomes of my story and DnJ's. The D is only a business deal, and the MLCer is a terrible business partner. So, if she files, try to get it done as quickly as you can so you can have business out of the way and can focus on real standing, if you want to stand. Otherwise you risk getting sucked into a horror show like mine, which went so far south that I had to give up the idea of standing because my dude became so scary that I could not ever put my life in his hands again. I have many friends in the standing world who got a D quickly and their marriages were restored. Then there are a bunch of us who stood for years and kept the faith, and then the marriage was not restored.

It hurts like hello, believe me, I know. But her filing is just like her popping pills or getting drunk or having an OM or anything else she is trying to fix the pain. It won't work. But it will affect your finances and your peace. So get it done fast and then start standing if you want to stand!


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: New to the club [Re: Taz] #2906135
Yesterday at 02:47 AM
Yesterday at 02:47 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,478
D
DnJ Offline
Member
DnJ  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,478
Hello Taz

Gerda’s situation, and her wisdom, is a good caution.

The path of the LBS is twofold - the emotional / healing side and the business side. Keep them separate.

If you need financial protection and security, then get it. Treat it like a business deal gone bad.

Yes, my XW dumped me, left, and divorced in record time. There is something to be said for expedience. I do believe that a better deal can be made sooner than later. MLCer’s at the beginning, soon after BD, usually are guilty and more willing to give up kids, money, assets - to assuage their guilt and/or to just get away, as is my XW’s case.

That sounds kind of bad, doesn’t it? Me so coldly laying it out like that. It is business; stay in the intellectual realm and make decisions from there.

Your emotional and healing path. Be kind and compassionate. Find detachment and indifference. Discover that these tenets are not exclusive from each other; they actually mesh quite well.

D


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
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