A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL OFFER TO INTRODUCE YOU TO DB COACHING
Save $75. Offer for new clients and available October 19 - 23 only
SINGLE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE SESSION FOR ONLY $100

CALL 303-444-7004

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 10 1 2 6 7 8 9 10
Re: Where's the banana [Re: AndrewP] #2906027
10/17/20 07:41 PM
10/17/20 07:41 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,273
G
Ginger1 Offline
Member
Ginger1  Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,273
It made me really sad to read everything you have sacrificed for this woman who sacrifices nothing for you and takes advantage of your goodwill and money. Either she is very manipulative and selfish, or she needs some serious professional help.

I did not know a sacrifice you made was your brothers . That is so very sad. Did you mention this before?

You have given up so much for what? A stitch craft heart? Thatís the crumb she has to throw your way?

You can go to the therapist and you can air your issues, and I absolutely thing they need to be discussed. But she isn t going to change who she fundamentally is.

You keep saying happiness is your own responsibility. I agree it is. So removing what is making you unhappy is the right move and your responsibility.
People often misinterpret happiness is your own responsibility. You donít rely on someone else to be your reason for happiness, but people can absolutely bring situations to us that make us unhappy. And it is our responsibility to remove ourselves from what doesnít serve us, or serves us detrimentally

Re: Where's the banana [Re: kml] #2906029
10/17/20 07:52 PM
10/17/20 07:52 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,354
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
AndrewP  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,354
Canada
Originally Posted by kml
Btw Iím curious, that van full of stuff that she took to donate - did it come back empty? Did she dump it on her daughter? Or did she get rid of it but bring back other ďfindsĒ from the thrift store?
Still in the van. She said the donation place was closed. We are taking some donations to the animal sanctuary tomorrow. Old blankets and such.

Still following along. S is currently trying to be perfect partner and I am worried she's going to really throw her back out. She's overdoing it.

I do have some faith in this therapist. I will need to be clear and brutally honest. S has worked with her before and she has challenged S on her issues. We also did 3 group couples sessions late last winter so I have some experience with her.

The key issue is balancing compassion and optimism with what is best for Me. As someone who has a lifetime of minimizing my own needs this will be hard.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Where's the banana [Re: AndrewP] #2906034
10/17/20 09:06 PM
10/17/20 09:06 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,308
L
LH19 Online
Member
LH19  Online
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,308
What does Andrew want in a relationship? What percentage of that would you say your getting in this relationship?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Where's the banana [Re: AndrewP] #2906045
10/18/20 12:57 AM
10/18/20 12:57 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,181
K
kml Online
Member
kml  Online
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,181
Iím not surprised the van is still full. After she arrived and they were closed (if they were) what kept her from going back the next day they were open? Either her ADD was such that she didnít bother to check their hours or she just couldnít face giving it all away (true hoarder behavior). Iím guessing the latter since if it was the first, she could easily have gone the next day and done it.

Re: Where's the banana [Re: AndrewP] #2906047
10/18/20 01:07 AM
10/18/20 01:07 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,181
K
kml Online
Member
kml  Online
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,181
Quote
The key issue is balancing compassion and optimism with what is best for Me. As someone who has a lifetime of minimizing my own needs this will be hard.


Compassion - youíve given plenty of that. Perhaps too much when accountability would have been more appropriate. Compassion has also led you to misinterpret her as ďplucky hardworking single momĒ instead of ďmanipulative lazy hoarder ď. You can still have compassion for whatever causes her to be so broken but that doesnít mean YOU have to take responsibility for fixing what canít be fixed.

Optimism - howís that work iní for ya? You were optimistic that she filled the van with things to donate - but didnít follow through. Many times youíve been optimistic about her making headway in sorting things - but seriously, how many months has it been? Are the dining and living room still clean from a Thanksgiving?

Itís not selfish to have healthy boundaries. This is your life weíre talking about here.

Re: Where's the banana [Re: AndrewP] #2906049
10/18/20 01:33 AM
10/18/20 01:33 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,181
K
kml Online
Member
kml  Online
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,181
(Btw Don I think the fact that Andrew is considering these things is proof that heís digesting what weíve been telling him. As I recall you arenít exactly Johnny on the spot with taking advice either wink We all have to take things in on our own timetable.

Re: Where's the banana [Re: AndrewP] #2906069
10/18/20 03:12 PM
10/18/20 03:12 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,830
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Offline
Member
bttrfly  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,830
Massachusetts
just had this thought and wanted to put it out there:

isn't it a classic sign of relationship abuse for the abuser to isolate his/her victim from friends, family and loved ones?

giving up your brothers = isolating you
giving up your children = isolating you
not allowing you to socialize as you normally would without her there to monitor what's being said (ex. friends, the cafe/scone place) = isolating you
surrounding you with S's brood = further isolating you, and convincing you that their way of living is the new 'normal'

Andrew, Don isn't wrong in suggesting you see your own therapist. We here can only be of so much help. The fact that this is a pattern (attracting domineering women) which has culminated in this level of dysfunction has presented you with a crisis point. This tells me it's an opportunity for you to really grow, with some professional guidance.

Andrew, remember this, if nothing else: everything you really want in life is on the other side of your fears.

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: Where's the banana [Re: AndrewP] #2906071
10/18/20 03:20 PM
10/18/20 03:20 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,181
K
kml Online
Member
kml  Online
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,181
Well, to be fair, I donít think S deliberately isolated Andrew from his brothers and son - itís more that Andrew enjoys spending time alone with them, they (at least his son) donít enjoy socializing with her and her brood, and she (and her mess) [censored] up a lot of his time. Still, the end effect is the same. If Covid wasnít here I think the hit to his social life would be more obvious.

Re: Where's the banana [Re: kml] #2906073
10/18/20 03:28 PM
10/18/20 03:28 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,830
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Offline
Member
bttrfly  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,830
Massachusetts
Originally Posted by kml
Well, to be fair, I donít think S deliberately isolated Andrew from his brothers and son - itís more that Andrew enjoys spending time alone with them, they (at least his son) donít enjoy socializing with her and her brood, and she (and her mess) [censored] up a lot of his time. Still, the end effect is the same. If Covid wasnít here I think the hit to his social life would be more obvious.

I'm not sure about that K ... perhaps not consciously, but she has certainly moved in, taken over and taken Andrew hostage. His son, his girls have no place IN THE HOME HE GREW UP IN (which to me is just anathema). I'm not trying to stoke the already blazing fire into an inferno, but man ... it's clear to me that she has at best NO boundaries, and it's her way or there's a steep price to pay via various manipulative techniques which always end up with her getting even more and Andrew getting even less.

Man, this broad should have been in sales. If she had it together, she'd have made a killing.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: Where's the banana [Re: AndrewP] #2906077
10/18/20 04:14 PM
10/18/20 04:14 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,181
K
kml Online
Member
kml  Online
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,181
But to be fair, she WANTS his son to come to family things - itís his son who (understandably) doesnít want to be part of the chaos.

Page 8 of 10 1 2 6 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004