Confused but committed, Part 2

[Hoch]

One thing I find strange, and maybe someone can speak to this. I definitely have shifted my energy to more masculine, grounded, in charge.

I would suggest to keep doing this.

Oh, I fully intend to. It’s having great benefits not just for myself but for the relationship. She has definitely stopped kicking up fights. I don’t know why it took me so long to get here, but it doesn’t matter. I’m finally starting to feel in charge of my own life.

[Hoch]

So I’m feeling much better and more confident. I’m still in this limbo, however. Married but not, no physical contact, but not saying I’m we’re separated. Just... existing.

I’ve found myself imagining scenarios where I tell her I don’t want to be in a marriage with no intimacy anymore, that we should plan to divorce if she doesn’t intend to work on herself and make the marriage better.

I don’t know if that’s a good idea, or if I’m just getting antsy. I also don’t know yet if I’d have the confidence to really say that and mean it.

I want this to work out. I still have hope. I know patience is a virtue... I’m reading those passages over and over - be patient, patient, patient, and hopeful.

[AKuei]

So I’m feeling much better and more confident. I’m still in this limbo, however. Married but not, no physical contact, but not saying I’m we’re separated. Just... existing.

I’ve found myself imagining scenarios where I tell her I don’t want to be in a marriage with no intimacy anymore, that we should plan to divorce if she doesn’t intend to work on herself and make the marriage better.

I don’t know if that’s a good idea, or if I’m just getting antsy. I also don’t know yet if I’d have the confidence to really say that and mean it.

I want this to work out. I still have hope. I know patience is a virtue... I’m reading those passages over and over - be patient, patient, patient, and hopeful.

Take some time off thinking about it and get busy with your GAL. I know it's hard but keep trying. Don't make rash decision based on your emotions now because usually it won't do you any good. Be in the moment, take it a minute at a time.

I'm in the same sitch as you. Focus on you and not the marriage for now. You have plenty of time for that later when you are more detached and calm.

[SteveLW]

So I’m feeling much better and more confident. I’m still in this limbo, however. Married but not, no physical contact, but not saying I’m we’re separated. Just... existing.

I’ve found myself imagining scenarios where I tell her I don’t want to be in a marriage with no intimacy anymore, that we should plan to divorce if she doesn’t intend to work on herself and make the marriage better.

I don’t know if that’s a good idea, or if I’m just getting antsy. I also don’t know yet if I’d have the confidence to really say that and mean it.

I want this to work out. I still have hope. I know patience is a virtue... I’m reading those passages over and over - be patient, patient, patient, and hopeful.

Stop talking. Act. If you don't want to be in a marriage with no intimacy, go file for divorce. LBSs talk too much and act too little.

[LH19]

So I’m feeling much better and more confident. I’m still in this limbo, however. Married but not, no physical contact, but not saying I’m we’re separated. Just... existing.

I’ve found myself imagining scenarios where I tell her I don’t want to be in a marriage with no intimacy anymore, that we should plan to divorce if she doesn’t intend to work on herself and make the marriage better.

I don’t know if that’s a good idea, or if I’m just getting antsy. I also don’t know yet if I’d have the confidence to really say that and mean it.

I want this to work out. I still have hope. I know patience is a virtue... I’m reading those passages over and over - be patient, patient, patient, and hopeful.

Stop talking. Act. If you don't want to be in a marriage with no intimacy, go file for divorce. LBSs talk too much and act too little.

I am going to disagree with Steve here.

I believe your W is not in an affair then I would communicate to her that this arrangement is not working for you. You would like to work on the marriage with her but if she’s not interested that you are going to pursue a divorce, heal and then eventually pursue another relationship in the future.

The thing is Hoch you have to be prepared to walk and never look back if she doesn’t agree to your terms.

Are you prepared to do that and be ok with either answer?

[SteveLW]

So I’m feeling much better and more confident. I’m still in this limbo, however. Married but not, no physical contact, but not saying I’m we’re separated. Just... existing.

I’ve found myself imagining scenarios where I tell her I don’t want to be in a marriage with no intimacy anymore, that we should plan to divorce if she doesn’t intend to work on herself and make the marriage better.

I don’t know if that’s a good idea, or if I’m just getting antsy. I also don’t know yet if I’d have the confidence to really say that and mean it.

I want this to work out. I still have hope. I know patience is a virtue... I’m reading those passages over and over - be patient, patient, patient, and hopeful.

Stop talking. Act. If you don't want to be in a marriage with no intimacy, go file for divorce. LBSs talk too much and act too little.

I am going to disagree with Steve here.

I believe your W is not in an affair then I would communicate to her that this arrangement is not working for you. You would like to work on the marriage with her but if she’s not interested that you are going to pursue a divorce, heal and then eventually pursue another relationship in the future.

The thing is Hoch you have to be prepared to walk and never look back if she doesn’t agree to your terms.

Are you prepared to do that and be ok with either answer?

I would agree.....except, this isn't the first time Hoch has expressed this.

Hoch, none of us advocate LBSs sit and wait around for the WAS to come around forever. And if anyone advocates that, then I would question their wisdom.

So your choices are pretty clear. Continue to wait to see if she comes around (if you do this I would choose a dropdead deadline, not one you communicate to her but one you have for yourself "if by this date she isn't fully committed to the MR, then I go file for D"), or you end things yourself.

I do not see talking about it again netting anything positive. LBSs think they can talk their way out of what they've acted their way into. Your sitch took a long time to develop over time until BD finally occurred, a conversation with her about how it isn't working for you (she knows that already) isn't going to snap her out of it.

[Kind18]

Take some time off thinking about it and get busy with your GAL.

This is good advice. You’re overthinking it by playing out scenarios in your head. This will rip you apart over time.

You need to get a life and stop trying to think or plan your way out of it.

When I went through mine, my psych told me the absolute best thing you can do is lots of physical exercise. I was slow to do this, but once I did, those thought patterns of what if starting settling down. I didn’t ruminate all day about what I’d say if she said X or Y.

Go and do a vigorous walk for 1.5 hours a day, every day, for a month. This will help you more than trying to think or plan or threaten your way out of your current situation.

[LH19]

So I’m feeling much better and more confident. I’m still in this limbo, however. Married but not, no physical contact, but not saying I’m we’re separated. Just... existing.

I’ve found myself imagining scenarios where I tell her I don’t want to be in a marriage with no intimacy anymore, that we should plan to divorce if she doesn’t intend to work on herself and make the marriage better.

I don’t know if that’s a good idea, or if I’m just getting antsy. I also don’t know yet if I’d have the confidence to really say that and mean it.

I want this to work out. I still have hope. I know patience is a virtue... I’m reading those passages over and over - be patient, patient, patient, and hopeful.

Stop talking. Act. If you don't want to be in a marriage with no intimacy, go file for divorce. LBSs talk too much and act too little.

I am going to disagree with Steve here.

I believe your W is not in an affair then I would communicate to her that this arrangement is not working for you. You would like to work on the marriage with her but if she’s not interested that you are going to pursue a divorce, heal and then eventually pursue another relationship in the future.

The thing is Hoch you have to be prepared to walk and never look back if she doesn’t agree to your terms.

Are you prepared to do that and be ok with either answer?

I would agree.....except, this isn't the first time Hoch has expressed this.

Hoch, none of us advocate LBSs sit and wait around for the WAS to come around forever. And if anyone advocates that, then I would question their wisdom.

So your choices are pretty clear. Continue to wait to see if she comes around (if you do this I would choose a dropdead deadline, not one you communicate to her but one you have for yourself "if by this date she isn't fully committed to the MR, then I go file for D"), or you end things yourself.

I do not see talking about it again netting anything positive. LBSs think they can talk their way out of what they've acted their way into. Your sitch took a long time to develop over time until BD finally occurred, a conversation with her about how it isn't working for you (she knows that already) isn't going to snap her out of it.

It’s not about trying to talk her out of it. It’s about letting her know that this isn’t working for him anymore. Steve it’s kinda like the 3rd time you caught your W in inappropriate behaviors with men online. You probably should have just filed at that point. You didn’t. You told her you are either in or you’re out. If she said screw you Steve I’m doing what I want. I’m guessing you would have filed?? This is Hoch’s you’re in or you’re out speech.

[SteveLW]

Hoch, went back and read your entire threads. And I see you still struggling now with what you struggled with way back at the beginning:

"She is being nice! She wants to stay!" "Oh no, she is being mean and/or ignoring me, she is going to D!"

NGS. Over attachment. It runs the entire gamut.

First, it tells me that you are doing GAL very poorly. All of this interaction, temp-checking, basing your MR status on her current behavior, and believing a word she says, shows that you are still way overly attached. Your emotions are a ball attached to a paddle by a rubberband....and she is the paddle. Until you detach from that rubberband you will continue to let her bounce you up and down.

I told another poster this story just the other day. But the two days after BD for me in 2017, my W was the nicest, most loving and affectionate she'd been in years. Of course this caused me to dive head first into an R talk. Guess what, despite how nice, loving and affectionate she'd been, verbally she was still intent on her plan to get a job, get an apartment and to get a D. This is why you cannot try to measure the state of your MR on day-to-day interactions. These things are like the stock market. Day-to-day fluctuation are meaningless. Trend over time is the key.

Regarding that, I saw one post where you suggested that one bad day had undone 5 months of "progress". That isn't even logical! This shows how tightly affixed to that rubberband you are.

Hoch, trust the process. Keep on DBing. Certainly have an end date in mind where you will no longer wait. Or pull the plug and move on with your life.

[SteveLW]

It’s not about trying to talk her out of it. It’s about letting her know that this isn’t working for him anymore. Steve it’s kinda like the 3rd time you caught your W in inappropriate behaviors with men online. You probably should have just filed at that point. You didn’t. You told her you are either in or you’re out. If she said screw you Steve I’m doing what I want. I’m guessing you would have filed?? This is Hoch’s you’re in or you’re out speech.

Apples and oranges.