Ok, it’s been a few days, I’m finally calm enough to discuss.
Guys, I finally get it.
I’m done pushing life. I’m done trying to fix life or control life. This is my situation, and there’s nothing I can do to improve it or change it. I’m going to start learning to be ok with that.
You’re right that I have still been looking for the silver bullet or the magic pill. I was still looking for the perfect way to bend events and conversations to find a resolution to this. But the last few days broke me. I had taken some of the advice here and told my W if she was so sure, she should move out. And then she started looking for apts. and I had to face the possibility that I would be alone, or single parenting my kids in the middle of a pandemic with no contact or help. It terrified me to my core and sent me to a very dark place.
So instead, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I have a troubled roommate for a W, and there is nothing I can do to help her. But what I DO have is my kids under my roof 7 days a week, I get to cuddle them and sleep next to them, and I have in my W a helping hand and someone to chat with. I am reframing to appreciate the warmth she brings to conversations, the kind sharing of our days, and the joy of getting to be around my kids whenever I want.
I’m learning a lot about letting go, surrendering, and accepting. And I’m reading up on healing old wounds, attachments, and fears. I’m going to start working on my own emotions and hurts. I will be here if she ever wants to talk about her problems and will support her if she wants to grow. I will listen, validate, and not judge. I will hope, but not act on it. But for now, I am happy to have my kids here with me and someone to talk to during the day. Maybe it’s fear, I don’t care. This pandemic has pushed me to my absolute limit, and I can’t push back anymore, so I’m going to start counting my blessings and enjoying the small things in life.
Sometimes I compare my “courage” relative to what all these books say about moving on and leading your own life. Whatever, maybe I don’t measure up. But for five years, I’ve been up against an inhuman number of circumstances - facing bankruptcy, two oppositionally defiant kids, one special needs (ASD/ADHD), a crumbling marriage, a traumatized/withdrawn wife, job loss, eviction, 5 house moves, intense job stress. I’m not playing the victim - I am NOT a victim. But I am also recognizing that those guidelines for how to be brave in your life DONT account for being inside a burning building, in an earthquake, in a tornado, in a tsunami. I’m done fighting and I’m done comparing how well I’m doing and slamming myself for not measuring up. I have done an AMAZING f*ing job in these circumstances, and I still have my self-respect, my love for W and kids, and I still refuse to put hate in my heart or be a victim. My heart is still wide open to hope and love.
180s and GAL are my future. Because I have things I want to be different about myself. Not to change HER, but because I love MYSELF and want to be the best me I can be. I will not judge or belittle or dismiss in conversations. I will listen and validate and show interest in the other person, be happy to share a conversation, and ask questions showing I would like to know more about their world. I will do the things I am supposed to do, not because I want something back, but because they need to be done and they are part of being a responsible adult. I will give when I can because it makes me feel good, and I will say no when I don’t want to do a thing. I will enjoy life and accept and even celebrate that my situation is NOT perfect and will likely never be, but it has many blessings and sources of joy. I will accept where fate takes me - amor fati.
I’ll answer your questions, but for clarification’s sake, not trying to fix anything.
Re: mental health, my family has always been big on mental health. My mom is a therapist, and the motto is, if you see a problem you address it so it doesn’t impact your life. My wife’s family is the opposite, they bury and do not talk about mental health issues. Her father has a terminal illness, her mother has chronic depression and is a narcissist (and possibly on the spectrum), and she has 2 siblings and 2 nieces/nephews who are ADHD and possibly on the spectrum, and 1 sibling who has had crippling depression for years. There is little to no curiosity in dealing with these diagnoses for her family, they’re just something that sort of “is” and if they ever get explained, it really doesn’t have much impact.
Yes, when she had her cry for help, she had downed a bunch of my sleeping pills and alcohol while she was home alone watching our 2 year old. I came home to find her on the floor, unconscious, with my 2yo standing over her. They kept her in hospital for 3 days to make sure she wasn’t a danger to herself and others. To this day, she says she just “wanted some sleep” and is angry over how affected I seem to still be by it. Her attitude even at the time was more of a “what’s the big deal” response, although she later said she deeply regretted it. For me, that was the night I thought I was going to lose my wife. Her family has shown almost no concern at all for her mental health. I don’t even know what that concern would look like if they did, since they don’t talk about mental health issues. “Sorry you’ve been down,” maybe?
So yes, here I am. I’m not done hoping, and not done building, but I am done fighting and pushing and controlling life.
Hoch, just caught up on this thread, will catch up on part 1 later. You have got some great people following and commenting, I don't have anything specific to advise, but just to say, that while our sitchs are different we are going through the same thing. Good luck, keep at it, I have found it so helpful to know others are going through the same struggles at the same time all over the world.
Interested to know how it goes if you get the DB coach. I'm not sure I'll be doing it, but then my W has been moved out for 3 months, OM seems to be a proper BF and we barely talk anymore, but who knows.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
That was a great post up above and if you can keep it up you will be in great shape. Try to stay even keel and off the roller coaster because you have some good days and great posts and then days of desperation. Remember these two things, you can only control you and you did not break her and you cannot fix her.
I’ve started reading (listening to) Hawkins book Letting Go. It’s all about surrendering to the moment, letting feelings come up, allowing them, then asking if they are willing to go. And accepting if they are not, inviting them back later to see if they will go then. The theme is all about surrendering to the moment, which is in tune with my state right now.
As I’m accepting emotions and welcoming them, the primary thing I’m finding aside from sadness is... tiredness. I’m tired. Like, bone-deep, soul-weary tired. Tired of pushing and cajoling life and trying to make it work to my will.
I’m surprised at how flat and tired I am the last few days. I just can’t get up the energy to do much, and after the shock of last weekend - the appearance that I might just (still could) lose it all, I just sort of shut down and haven’t restarted. Hence why it took me three days to make a post here.
Part of me feels that if I pull myself back up, the ground will fall out from underneath me, and I just can’t bring myself to do that right now. It’s an interesting sensation: I’m not depressed, I’ve been there before and I know the feeling. I still have interest in my life and hobbies, I just can’t summon the energy to engage with them. I’m sort of watching it from the sidelines and observing the changes in myself right now, and commenting for anyone who might be going through the same thing.
It makes me realize how much I’ve been working to orchestrate the situation the last few years. Trying to help intervene in my W’s deteriorating relationship with the kids, her work schedule, her sleep schedule. Always trying to help, interject, or encourage a specific outcome. But not now. She does what she does, all I need to do is work, spend time with the kids, and breathe. It’s much less work, and I can feel myself sort of decompressing a bit at a time.
Thank you for the kind words. You’re right that it really does help to hear other people going through the same thing, even though I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. It’s nice to know the human experience is shared, especially right now when each of us is feeling the temporary absence of a life partner to share it with. Keep at it, I know I will.
[quote=Hoch I’m surprised at how flat and tired I am the last few days. I just can’t get up the energy to do much, and after the shock of last weekend - the appearance that I might just (still could) lose it all, I just sort of shut down and haven’t restarted. Hence why it took me three days to make a post here. [/quote]
This is a huge red flag for depression and you really need to setup an appointment with your physician to discuss it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’m tired. Like, bone-deep, soul-weary tired. Tired of pushing and cajoling life and trying to make it work to my will.
It makes me realize how much I’ve been working to orchestrate the situation the last few years. Trying to help intervene in my W’s deteriorating relationship with the kids, her work schedule, her sleep schedule. Always trying to help, interject, or encourage a specific outcome.
You have said everything in just a few words, what I wanted to say. Orchestrate is a great word that describes the the "work" of many newcomers.
You've tried to carry all the load, hoping it would fix the problems. You have been compassionate and patient with your W, and you've tried to reach her heart, but she isn't responding in a positive way. What ever is her problem, she has to figure it out and fix it. I think for some H's, they feel they are giving up hope, when they realize they can't fix their W.
IMHO, both of you need individual therapy, and you need help for the kids. I've never heard anyone refer to their child as special needs when they had ADHD. I've been around a lot of ADHD kids, but to my knowledge they were never defined as special needs children. How are things going for him at school?
What method of discipline is used with your oldest son? Are the two of you on the same page in how to discipline and manage them? I can't help but think your W is in deep depression, due to being a SAHM and not able to manage the kid issues. It doesn't make her a bad mom. Some women just aren't cut out to stay home all day, b/c of how it effects them mentally. I really hope you will reach out to professionals that can help with your child.
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I’m not depressed, I’ve been there before and I know the feeling. I still have interest in my life and hobbies, I just can’t summon the energy to engage with them. I’m sort of watching it from the sidelines and observing the changes in myself right now, and commenting for anyone who might be going through the same thing.
It seems your body is reacting as if you're depressed. I don't know how you have time for hobbies, etc., b/c you've been giving so much time & effort at home. I hope you don't reach the point that nothing is interesting. I think it could happen, considering how you currently feel. Don't wait long, to see if you get to feeling better. Get to a doctor.
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But not now. She does what she does, all I need to do is work, spend time with the kids, and breathe. It’s much less work, and I can feel myself sort of decompressing a bit at a time.
You have to protect your body & spirit. Decompressing is good, but don't become completely passive, as you observe the sitch. Finding a healthy balance is key.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hello everyone. Hope everyone in the states had a good thanksgiving.
It’s been a little while, and I’m happy to share that I’m not depressed. For a few days I thought I might be, but I’ve since evened out. I think it was the shock.
I’ve started a new exercise program, a new daytime listening curriculum of self/help and discovery while I work, and I’ve renewed my interest in my side business. I am maintaining my position of not pushing life, even though it has been difficult a few times to hold to and remember that.
I’m focusing on myself and my kids. The last few weeks since I resolved myself to not push, I’ve noticed my wife being more and more open and expressive around me. She seems relaxed, and acting much more like a normal person and more responsible roommate. I’ve even noticed she’s started to do chores around the house - I can’t overstate what a change that is, she normally lets rotten food pile up with clothes on the floor while she plays on her phone, and there’s only so much I can do since I work full time and the kids are more than a full time job. It occurs to me now - though I’m trying not to put much thinking into it - that her “looking for apartments” might have been a shot across my bow, and since I’ve backed off (and shut down for a few weeks), she relaxed. It’s possible, maybe even likely.
With the relaxed state comes more confusion. I was a little rattled on thanksgiving that with all the family togetherness - cooking, laughing, playing charades (her idea - she never plays games), that when it came to say thanks she had one for each of the kids but not even a passing thankfulness that I’m here or I exist, and it was just the 4 of us. That hurt for an hour or so until I was able to let go and accept it. I think it was the hot/cold change that jolted me, but I should have prepared for it. No expectations, right?
The incongruity of her attitude (family togetherness, coldness at dinner) got me to do some reading over on the MLC board, and luckily I stumbled across AmyC’s post about what she did/felt as the MLC spouse experiencing and doing that. It really touched me.
I’m not putting any stock or thinking into how to affect change in my W anymore - her journey is her journey, at her pace. But I am acquainting myself with any and all reading that will help me understand my situation, in addition to working on myself. And I was shocked to read AmyC’s experience and see just how many things matched up to my sitch: irrational disregard for things she used to care about (clean house, good financial choices, others’ feelings, family time), the pushing away of anything or anyone that would make her think, feel, or question herself, etc. MLC feels like a good match for my W’s behavior, and it helps me understand a few things if so - mostly, the notion that MLC comes from someone’s upbringing, and that that particular person would have gone thru MLC, married or not. That was a jolt to read, and helps me really solidify the “I didn’t break her, I can’t fix her” narrative. It’s NOT about me, and likely never has been.
Also in the MLC reading was seeing how HARD MLCers hide from reality, and that for many it REALLY does have to get worse before it gets better - they have to run to the end of their rope and lies for their rewritten narrative to unravel. I hope that’s not the case, but if it is, this is only the calm before a storm that may need to happen. Maybe my W will “wake up” before that.
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The thing I’m pondering now is how to blend my previous practice of self-actualization and getting rid of NGS with my newfound stance of not pushing. This is more of a philosophical conundrum, since one is a “pushing” energy (pushing myself and my needs and my non-NGS essence into the world) and the other is a “passive/accepting” energy (letting what is and what others are, be, and allowing life to unfold.) I can feel the energy shift inside me, and I find it confusing to go from “push” to “accept” and back again - I’m just not sure yet how to rectify these two seemingly incongruous ideas. But I feel that, if I can get them in balance, I’ll have solved an important step for my own growth.
I want to add that I’m really digging into the MLC board and so much is falling into place from my reading.
In particular, this post, “Midlife Crisis for Dummies” is not only humorous (which is DEEPLY needed ) but is amazingly accurate. I’d say about 85% is a match for my sitch:
) but is amazingly accurate. I’d say about 85% is a match for my sitch: