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Confused but committed, Part 1

The journey continues. I honestly didn’t think I’d be making a Part 2.

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Wow, I’m continuing to read the R2C quotes thread, and I’m more and more convinced that this is an attraction issue at the core of my marriage, pure and simple.

My wife isn’t attracted to me because she doesn’t respect me, and it’s pure NGS at work. I never looked for that because it was an eglitarian relationship - I’ve always been the creative type, reasonably good looking, and charming. I never bought into the man-in-charge, woman-submissive dynamic - but now I’m realizing that’s because I was raised by a strong masculine-ish feminist and a weak, anxiety-ridden father. But my wife is from a strongly patriarchal Mormon background -she’s a traditional girl, and now I’m seeing (16 YEARS LATER!) that she wants a strong man. It was never in my wheelhouse because I’m a passionate, driven man, but not a STRONG man in that sense.

My wife lost attraction for me.

This quote sums it up, from robx in R2C’s thread:

Quote
this has to do with sexual polarity being switched between the two of you, her being more masculine and you being more feminine, this has to do with her being abusive and no one standing up to her: not you, her family, your family, no one, everyone pretty much gets beat up by her because everyone lets her.


The sexual polarity is flipped. I just need to figure out how to flip it BACK.

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Some more revelations, I went out yesterday to a shop to pursue some GAL hobbies. First time in a small store since Covid, so that may have had something to do with it.

But I had near crippling anxiety the whole time. This is part of me airing my dirty laundry and owning it, but I have a LOT of social anxiety to overcome. I’m disgusted with myself, but I need to own it and move forward.

I don’t want to be like this anymore.

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Are you in IC?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Hi Hoch,

You have gained some very good insight. Some of these may also help you:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094


MWD talks about doing more of what works and less of what doesn't. Most of what works is counter-intuitive. You nailed it on the head when you reflected back on how each of you were raised. Our belief systems get in the way of the changes we need to make in our behavior. When we realize this, it makes it so much easier to make the required changes.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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I am, yes. I’ve been going consistently for 5 years, mostly focused on relationship, anxiety, and depression.

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Originally Posted by Hoch
I am, yes. I’ve been going consistently for 5 years, mostly focused on relationship, anxiety, and depression.


So I would explore your social anxiety with your IC.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Hoch,
I honestly don't think you being creative, charming man has ANYTHING to do with strength and confidence. I work in the entertainment business so I see creative men all the time. It's about how you carry yourself, what you believe about yourself, how you show others you want to be treated, and so on and so on.

I think a good place to start is not to try and get your wife to see your value... but for YOU to see it. Honestly - that's the only way it will stick for good is if you see yourself as valuable. You have done a H3ll of a job with everything you go going on. Special Needs kids requires a level of love and strength that not all humans possess. I hope you can see it that. ((Hoch)). Alot of us on the board do!

As for your anxiety - I too have it. I work through it in IC, but I also listen to books and am starting to journal about it. It's not thing to be ashamed of. I'm no therapist but I am being told that the more I allow space for the emotions I am truly feeling - the more my anxiety will lessen.... because its an effect of feeling great fear, anger, etc.

Be kind to yourself. I don't think it's fair for any spouse to find their spouse less "attractive" because of a disorder. But perhaps that's just my personal boundary...


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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Steve85 -

I will definitely be exploring my social anxiety in my IC. So far it simply hadn’t been on my radar, since I was the more outgoing between my wife and I. But now that I’m focusing on it I’m seeing it’s a big problem that I want to overcome for me.

Valeska19 -

Thank you again for the kind words. I feel you’re right, being charming and creative isn’t at all incompatible with being strong. I should clarify, what I’m starting to think happened is that while I’m creative and passionate, since being raised by a strong feminist and a weak father (and I’m now remembering that my mother would berate my father and myself for being “male” or “macho”, while praising things like cooperation and egalitarianism - not bad things in themselves, mind), I’m seeing that the dynamic between my wife and I had two sides.

We’ve been in crisis in these past 5 years. In that time, I’ve grown increasingly stressed out trying to manage it all, while my wife has crumpled in on herself and contributed less and less to an equal partnership. From my perspective, I’ve grown angrier and angrier, crying out, “where is my partner??” and feeling the complete lack of equal energy to steer the ship. I’m starting to understand now that, in this great crisis we’ve experienced, what she wanted was a CAPTAIN to say, “I’ve got this, we will be ok, I’m steering the ship.”

Same experience, two different stories. The “I’m the captain, I’m in charge” role never occurred to me because I thought it was patriarchal sexism - but that’s how I was RAISED to think. But from her perspective it must seem I dropped the ball.

I’ve been watching a lot of Fearless Man on YouTube which talks to this dynamic, the sexual polarity, and how the man creates a “safe container” for the woman to be feminine. While I do not condone the behavior, I can definitely see how my wife’s anger and out of control reactionism are expressions of her masculine side that have come out since pregnancy. Right or wrong, ethical or unethical, it means those masculine energies were missing from the house and that’s why they showed up. I’m starting to change that by changing the balance of energies, for me.

One thing I find strange, and maybe someone can speak to this. I definitely have shifted my energy to more masculine, grounded, in charge. I no longer put up with her back talk, and I don’t put up with tantrums in the kids. They are definitely starting to respect me. My wife’s energy toward me has softened, become more feminine and playful, and she is way more open in conversation. HOWEVER - she has taken off and won’t wear her ring, and has started sleeping downstairs occasionally.

My intuition - which I am learning to foster - says she’s opening up and is scared of it, so is leaning in with her energy but doing small things to distance. How do people who know these sitches read that? I’m not interested in picking apart every minute detail, but the mixed messaging is confusing.

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Originally Posted by Hoch

One thing I find strange, and maybe someone can speak to this. I definitely have shifted my energy to more masculine, grounded, in charge.
I would suggest to keep doing this.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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