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A Message from Michele
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Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: Wolfman] #2905926
10/16/20 04:01 PM
10/16/20 04:01 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Wolfman  Offline OP
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R2C I understand why you are recommending this.
A big turn of events yesterday. She said she wanted to speak to me. I thought here we go again. But she did a complete 180. She apologized for everything. The way she has been behaving, how she has treated me and even about putting pressure on me to get engaged. She agreed that we need to have a solid foundation before we could move forward. I have never seen this side of her. She finally put her pride to the side and realized what she has done. I am no angel in all of this either. She even recognized that I am the one who usually goes to her to make things right. And that she wants to go into counseling. She really wants to work on everything she said. The biggest reason she explained is because she is pregnant and doesnít want the baby to grow up in a broken family. That she is willing to put the work in to make it work. I was so happy to hear all of this, I feel like the pressure is off the get engaged, that she is willing to hear my opinion on things, I am going to work hard on what she wants me to work on. I honestly donít want to have 2 baby mamas. I am definitely willing to give it a shot. I apologize that it wasnít more detailed but I hope everyone got the gist of what happened. From the outside is this a good thing or is it a ploy? Anyone else experience this. Obviously right now itís just words, letís see if her actions follow. I will certainly work on mine.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: Wolfman] #2905928
10/16/20 04:12 PM
10/16/20 04:12 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
From the outside is this a good thing or is it a ploy? Anyone else experience this. Obviously right now itís just words, letís see if her actions follow. I will certainly work on mine.


Have definitely seen these "epiphanies" before and they usually don't last. Sometimes they don't even last a day before the old BS starts up again. You are correct, wait to see what her actions are. Do not pin any hope whatsoever on her words. I would absolutely 100% continue to move on getting her out of the house.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: Wolfman] #2905941
10/16/20 05:06 PM
10/16/20 05:06 PM
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Core Offline
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Hi Wolf,

I agree with AS. Look to her actions. This could be a tactic or it could be a change of heart. What you still know either way is how far she was willing to go to get her way and you saw the red flags that were raised. This could be a good change but caution is warranted.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: Wolfman] #2905944
10/16/20 05:21 PM
10/16/20 05:21 PM
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Posts: 7,878
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Steve85 Offline
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Agree with the others. Let her actions match these words.........for a long time! Not, "oh she was nice today so I believe her!" IF she can remain friendly through the pregnancy even though you guys are broke up, then maybe you can start trusting it.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: Wolfman] #2905953
10/16/20 06:05 PM
10/16/20 06:05 PM
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may22 Offline
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Seriously, guys?

Maybe she's a nutjob. But she's PREGNANT. And scared. No support system. Facing the prospect of raising a baby alone. You have crazy hormones running through your veins that you've never had before, you probably feel like cr@p most of the time, your body is actually making another HUMAN BEING and 100% of your focus is being sure that that baby has the best possible future. I can imagine acting a little crazy under those circumstances and pushing for commitment. Also, parenthood is an enormous game changer. I can absolutely believe that she'd be willing to pivot 180 degrees if it was in the best interest of her child and stick to it.

Sorry, but I don't agree with the men on this one. Counseling and working on communication with a good therapist sounds like it should be a good thing no matter what, since you'll be in a co-parenting relationship at the very least for the next 18 years. Sure, see a L to be sure your rights are protected and know what the laws are regarding common law marriage in your state. Get your valuables out of the house and into a safe deposit box, if you're really worried. And, if you think she's potentially a physical threat to your safety, then obviously get out or get her out. But this is the mother of your child. Do you want him or her to grow up knowing that as soon as Daddy found out Mommy was pregnant, he kicked her out of the house?


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D10
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
8/20-present R attempt #2
Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: may22] #2905961
10/16/20 06:49 PM
10/16/20 06:49 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,701
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Ready2Change Offline
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Originally Posted by may22
Sorry, but I don't agree with the men on this one. Counseling and working on communication with a good therapist sounds like it should be a good thing no matter what, since you'll be in a co-parenting relationship at the very least for the next 18 years. Sure, see a L to be sure your rights are protected and know what the laws are regarding common law marriage in your state. Get your valuables out of the house and into a safe deposit box, if you're really worried. And, if you think she's potentially a physical threat to your safety, then obviously get out or get her out. But this is the mother of your child. Do you want him or her to grow up knowing that as soon as Daddy found out Mommy was pregnant, he kicked her out of the house?
I am as manly as they come and agree with may22.

Wolf, you have been here long enough. It is your job as the man to lead. Let go of the fear. Do things with the intention on making things better. Do what you believe is the right thing to do. Not was is easy. Not what you want. Not what she wants.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: may22] #2905967
10/16/20 07:52 PM
10/16/20 07:52 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Wow thank you everyone. Some real mixed opinions here. I am going to try and see if her actions will match her words. I am going to get us into therapy. I like to see the various opinions here. Look the reality is I will have my eyes open to make sure we donít go back down that path.
Originally Posted by may22
Seriously, guys?
Maybe she's a nutjob. But she's PREGNANT. And scared. No support system. Facing the prospect of raising a baby alone. You have crazy hormones running through your veins that you've never had before, you probably feel like cr@p most of the time...

I agree with this. I know she is scared because she doesnít have a great family and she would feel alone. She does complain about feeling sick every so often. With that being said it still doesnít give her a right to be completely nasty to me. She did say if that happens again to point it out to her. She doesnít want to treat me like that.

Right now I am taking it one day at a time and see how things go. Actions right now not the words. At least she took the pressure off of marriage and engagement. Thank you everyone for being right here for me. I donít have much of a support system. You guys are. THANK YOU!!!


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: Wolfman] #2905976
10/16/20 11:01 PM
10/16/20 11:01 PM
Joined: Apr 2019
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IronWill Offline
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Wolf -

I would recommend you listen to may.

To show empathy, you must get out of your own perspective. See yourself as someone else would see you. In this case, see yourself and your situation as your GF would.

In my opinion, when children are involved, things change drastically. You will have the responsibility of being this child's father for the rest of your life. Think about what kind of relationship you want. You have some time to think about it. Use that time.

Take care.

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: Wolfman] #2906095
10/18/20 08:43 PM
10/18/20 08:43 PM
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tom_h Offline
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
She wants engagement or nothing. I said try and work on relationship but she doesnít want to hear it. ... Last night she wanted to know what was going on, as far as if I changed my mind. She wants me to say something like in 2 months we will get engaged. I told her I couldnít give her a time line. ... We went back and forth a little more and then she flipped out. Went to grab documents I have for my case against my ex and she said she was going to burn them ...

May had some good advice. But it sounds like some real wild wild west activity in your place. I personally have never been a fan of wild mood swings because -- even if she's pregnant -- that does not bode well for the future.

Question #1: do you love her? If no, then end it now and ask her to leave.

Question #2: if you think you love her, then ask yourself if you can live with this kind of mental instability (trying to burn your legal papers) for the next 50 years. Yes, her hormones are raging but I wouldn't blame this all on hormones. A woman willing to burn something to punish you is a woman, five years from now, who will drive your truck into a ravine, put ex-lax in your coffee, or have a quickie with your friend (and send you the pictures) because she's angry at you. If you can handle this amount of drama ... well, at least your eyes are wide open.

Sorry, Wolf, I'm showing my biases here but I hope to give you a perspective I'm not sure you've gotten yet.

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: may22] #2906099
10/18/20 10:22 PM
10/18/20 10:22 PM
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tom_h Offline
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Originally Posted by may22
The pregnant part doesn't help. Does she have any other support system, family, etc.?

Honestly, she sounds like a total head case and not someone I would want living in my house either. But, she's pregnant with your kid. And (this might sound harsh and others might disagree) but that's on you. And tbh... I do think kicking your pregnant GF onto the street is not exactly the right thing to do.

Reality is when she has your child, you'll have to be paying child support if you guys are separated, and you'll have to figure out how to co-parent with her even if she is a little nutso. I might do the math on what child support is going to be and maybe you can start paying it now so she can find a place to live that isn't with you.

Sorry I can't be a cheerleader on this. You're in a really tough situation.

If Wolf decides he doesn't want to live with her, does it matter if he owns or rents the place? If he rents it, is it possible for him to terminate the lease and they both move out; then he gets another place without her? Meaning, his obligation to "evict" her ends when the lease is up or the house is sold? Because that is what I would do. I would not trust that she wouldn't, at this stage, be a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Wolf, you're not certain about marriage and you don't want to live with her, but you are open to exploring your relationship. Find the easiest way to get her out of your place and then, living apart, start to figure out things. And, like Steve85 and I have been messaging about, try to avoid falling into the trap that because you have good sex, you must be in love. A woman's sex drive is always strongest when she wants a man, or wants a child with a man. A woman's sex drive usually (not always) wanes after having children. Male LBS are always susceptible to this trap.

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