I’m feeling angry and afraid today. I have a call with my marriage coach. My wife enrolled with another coach that discusses divorcing differently to work up the courage to finally move all the way through with the divorce. It’s been since her EA which began in late 2015 since this has been a topic. The EA ended in January 2017 when his wife caught them in the backseat of our family’s car in a random parking lot “eating lunch.” At the time is what her and my fault they had to sneak around in their “friendship.”
Since that time whenever any problem comes up her solution has been divorce. We had a decent 10 month run following Retrouvaille, but she didn’t want to do the work and a couple months later I found her wanting to divorce me again. It was last September that she started this round. In March we were in mediation, but Covid our that in ice.
Things were actually improving with her saying “I love you” and giving hugs and kisses until about a month ago when she got upset I went out with my friends and started the divorce rhetoric again. This time feels as serious as any time. She’s stopped wearing her wedding rings and is generally giving me the silent treatment. I’ll admit that it has me in knots and my lack of ability to rationally detach is a fault.
It would be much easier to get angry, kick her out, and go with the divorce, but I know that’s not the answer. Anyone that sees us interact is shocked to here where things are at. My kids have no idea (9 and 12).
I’ve thought she’s in a MLC for some time. Her dad has dementia, she is 41, and has no real direction in life. Quit her job a year ago and is floating along (on my dime). Plays lot of tennis, works out, gets massages, etc. We share household responsibilities evenly. Anyhow, I’m sick by this whole thing and I come here to vent when I can’t take it anymore. Thanks for listening.
Last edited by job; 10/16/2002:51 PM. Reason: Removed reference name to another site that is not related to DB
I'm at work and don't know your sitch so just a short reply. "Kicking her out" can absolutely be a strategy, that depends on you stance and practicalities. Not sure but I believe RobX did that.
If this has been going on for 2-3 years your kids already know something is up.
IMO (from this short description) it seems like you are enabling/allowing her behavior. You can't be the one to stop it but you should never enable it.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Scott, sorry to hear things are going poorly. It sounds like she's going through something, and unfortunately when this happens the spouse usually becomes the lightning rod for everything that the WAS perceives as wrong in their life. The best thing you can do is detach, leave her be, remove yourself from the equation. She's got to sort this out and it's going to take quite some time, and the loss of the M may very well be part of the fallout of that journey she goes on. There could still be a future R and M, but that's way down the road. For now accept that she's already gone and DB your heart out.
10/16 Moving Forwrd ———— I asked her about the divorce to insure that was her direction and what she wanted again. She said it wasn’t what she wanted but she saw no other way. She said we weren’t happy and can’t live like this. She believes everyone will be better off and she says we have worked on the marriage and it hasn’t worked.
She was steadfast that i wouldn’t change her mind. And she said that i wasn’t going to trick her or fool her with mind games.
We talked about reasons the marriage failed. We discussed the trauma of Diana. She said we didn’t get through it because i couldn’t feel and get vulnerable. She said the fact i couldn’t feel, talk about, and express my feelings was a major issue. That is the first time she has ever said that. I brought up that it was confusing that she had been giving me a kiss good night and saying i love you recently, and it was almost as though she had no idea she had been doing that. She seems disconnected from reality.
She says i have changed for the better but she doesn’t trust my changes. She believes I’m tricking her. And she believe that at my core nature, the person I am, is not someone she wants to be with. She implies that she doesn’t want anything other than a divorce. Not the money or the house. She doesn’t want this to be angry or get mean. She wants us to be able to be around each other in the future. She has no idea what she is doing. It’s disappointing and I don’t know that there is anything I can do about it.
We discussed our mediator. I will call to get things restarted on Monday. It makes me feel ill, but there is nothing left I can do other than move through the process.
We did not discuss that she needs a job or that she should move out or that we need to create serious space, but that will come soon. I think this will come on fast, maybe too fast as she mentioned she hadn’t gotten to the place in her divorce videos where they discuss the process of divorce.
I have to be real with you Scotty that I don't think she's the only one disconnect with reality. You have been in denial with this for a long time. Your situation is a lot like mine in that after I found out about her EA and it ended she never came back to the marriage. I think she never got over the highs of being in the EA gave her. Then it becomes the quest to obtain the high again and that can only be done by getting divorced.
I think you need to wave the white flag and get these done and the best deal you can get that is fair. Sounds like your W just wants out so it shouldn't be an issue. Be the rock for your children and just keep moving forward. You fought for your family and should be proud of it. This is very survivable Scotty and when it's over you will feel a hughe wait lifted off your shoulders.
Hi Scotty, reading your situation, it sounds like she's been done for a ong time. You were doing divorce mediation, it got put on-hold by COVID, she reminded you in April, June, and October she wants D and now she's finally hired a divorce coach to help her get through the process emotionally and logisitcally. Sorry, mate. The next step is obvious--detach and build yourself up for whatever comes next. Maybe, once she's set free, a year or two from now she'll look back and realize what she walked away from.
10/16 Moving Forwrd ———— I asked her about the divorce to insure that was her direction and what she wanted again. She said it wasn’t what she wanted but she saw no other way. She said we weren’t happy and can’t live like this. She believes everyone will be better off and she says we have worked on the marriage and it hasn’t worked.
She was steadfast that i wouldn’t change her mind. And she said that i wasn’t going to trick her or fool her with mind games.
We talked about reasons the marriage failed. We discussed the trauma of Diana. She said we didn’t get through it because i couldn’t feel and get vulnerable. She said the fact i couldn’t feel, talk about, and express my feelings was a major issue. That is the first time she has ever said that. I brought up that it was confusing that she had been giving me a kiss good night and saying i love you recently, and it was almost as though she had no idea she had been doing that. She seems disconnected from reality.
She says i have changed for the better but she doesn’t trust my changes. She believes I’m tricking her. And she believe that at my core nature, the person I am, is not someone she wants to be with. She implies that she doesn’t want anything other than a divorce. Not the money or the house. She doesn’t want this to be angry or get mean. She wants us to be able to be around each other in the future. She has no idea what she is doing. It’s disappointing and I don’t know that there is anything I can do about it.
We discussed our mediator. I will call to get things restarted on Monday. It makes me feel ill, but there is nothing left I can do other than move through the process.
We did not discuss that she needs a job or that she should move out or that we need to create serious space, but that will come soon. I think this will come on fast, maybe too fast as she mentioned she hadn’t gotten to the place in her divorce videos where they discuss the process of divorce.
#1 rule of DBing, DO NOT START R TALKS. Scott, what did you hope to accomplish by this? Admit it, you felt worse after the talk than you did before.
I see a lot of "she says" and "she said". #2 rule of DBing, believe nothing they say and half of what they do.
So instead of starting an R talk (which I am sure wasn't the first) you should:
Be out GAL. Like a madman. Continue to work on your improvements. Detach. detach. Detach. Detachment is not a point in time thing. Google: Self-differentiation in marriage. This is a healthy way to be. A healthy, whole individual that is 1/2 of a healthy, married couple. Anything else and your marriage is a ticking timebomb headed towards a BD.
So Scott, what are you planning to do from this point forward?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I called the mediator. Learned that its all virtual and she's booked out until December. Probably takes this situation into the New Year before we are actually putting this in front of the court. I would assume May of 2021 assuming the world cooperates.
My next choice is that I can have the mediator send out the schedule, so that my wife and I both get it and we get scheduled. Or I can ignore it and slow it down. Eventually my wife will ask about it or call the woman.
Thoughts? I see this as a chance at a 180 to work with her on it and try to get it done. That is not what she would expect. She would expect me to slow play this. Everything in my body wants to slow play it.
