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Kristin, Core, May, Valeska, Mail

I sincerely appreciate all of your support. I am trying to take all of your advice. This weekend was difficult. I don't understand how my W can walk around the house like all is good. On Friday evening she asked if I would help winterize the back deck, i.e., remove cover from Gazebo, bring in all the furniture, etc. on Saturday afternoon. I initially agreed but on Saturday when she was ready I just couldn't do it. I couldn't pretend like everything was normal and we were doing one of our typical routines. I told her I was taking a shower, getting dressed and going out. Needless to say she wasn't happy. I just told her I couldn't do it.

I sat in my car for 1.5 hrs and just cried. Afterwards, I caved and called her. Asked if she was absolutely certain she wanted this separation and again she reiterated that she didn't believe we had a viable marriage and that we needed to be apart. (I know I shouldn't have, I just set myself up for more hurt listening to her tell me again that she didn't want this). I was just so upset. It has only been a few weeks and I am still working on detachment. After I stopped crying and got myself together ended driving to my niece's home. Had dinner with her and spent a few hours there before returning home.

I know I have to let her go. I made plans to go away next weekend and will just continue to take it one day at a time. I did tell her I was considering leaving and going to my families. She keeps emphasizing that she is not kicking me out of my home. I wonder if she is just doing it so that she doesn't look like the bad guy or just to alleviate her guilt. I know, no mind reading.

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Originally Posted by Mar252
She keeps emphasizing that she is not kicking me out of my home. I wonder if she is just doing it so that she doesn't look like the bad guy or just to alleviate her guilt. I know, no mind reading.


True, no mind reading. But also, you're likely correct on the guilt.

Here's the best advice anyone gave me during my D. I hope you consider it.

I was talking to an in-person confidant about some financial stuff. XW was offering me something I thought was overly generous and I felt weird about it - I wanted our M, not the financial/physical items. This friend had gone through a D and told me to accept what the offer was if I felt it was at least fair. If in 2 or 3 years I was still feeling this guilt that it wasn't the "right" thing to do I could always gift it back.

I ended up accepting the financial piece. From where I am now - with no ill-will toward XW, but also no rose colored glasses - I think it was fair, and maybe leaned a bit generous. But do I think I owe it back to her? No absolutely not. The way things ended up were divided pretty fairly. I'm so glad I didn't kick the gift horse in the mouth.

I know this isn't where you're at now, but I say this to you as something to keep in mind. Your W is feeling generous and not vindictive at all - use that. It sounds crass and uncaring, I know. I'm definitely NOT saying to take her to the cleaners or try to fight for more. I'm saying that right now you are so vulnerable and just want HER and you have to also consider the financial or legal implications and try your hardest to identify what is truly fair.

If W is saying she's not kicking you out I see that as a bit of not wanting to be the bad guy, yes. And if this S is going to happen anyway (and I DEFINITELY cannot mindread to tell you one way or the other!) you want to take advantage of that generosity. Keeping the fighting and emotions to a minimum and you will walk away with fewer emotional and financial scars.

Carefully consider - if W is not kicking you out, but you leave anyway: is there ANY way in which this can hurt you later legally? I wouldn't think so, but I want you to be very very certain of that. Weekends away are good, but don't move out officially without consulting a lawyer.

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Originally Posted by Mar252
I sincerely appreciate all of your support. I am trying to take all of your advice. This weekend was difficult. I don't understand how my W can walk around the house like all is good. On Friday evening she asked if I would help winterize the back deck, i.e., remove cover from Gazebo, bring in all the furniture, etc. on Saturday afternoon. I initially agreed but on Saturday when she was ready I just couldn't do it. I couldn't pretend like everything was normal and we were doing one of our typical routines. I told her I was taking a shower, getting dressed and going out. Needless to say she wasn't happy. I just told her I couldn't do it.


Good for you for taking care of yourself in that moment. If you wanted to the next time - immediately say no and that you have plans. This would be a good place for a boundary for you and her. If you wife wants to do "spouse-like" things - you don't participate. Not in a rude way - just in a matter of fact way. And in case you are wondering... no... you don't say anything to her about it. It's actions in the form of self-care, GALing, and making yourself a priority.


Originally Posted by Mar252
I sat in my car for 1.5 hrs and just cried. Afterwards, I caved and called her. Asked if she was absolutely certain she wanted this separation and again she reiterated that she didn't believe we had a viable marriage and that we needed to be apart. (I know I shouldn't have, I just set myself up for more hurt listening to her tell me again that she didn't want this). I was just so upset. It has only been a few weeks and I am still working on detachment. After I stopped crying and got myself together ended driving to my niece's home. Had dinner with her and spent a few hours there before returning home.


We will continue to put our hand on the fire until we are tired of burning ourselves. It's okay Mar. We've all done it.

Originally Posted by Mar252
I know I have to let her go. I made plans to go away next weekend and will just continue to take it one day at a time. I did tell her I was considering leaving and going to my families. She keeps emphasizing that she is not kicking me out of my home. I wonder if she is just doing it so that she doesn't look like the bad guy or just to alleviate her guilt. I know, no mind reading.


Perhaps try not telling your plans until you know. You need to be certain what is best for you so that when your W lays down the guilt trip or perhaps spews the anger venom - you have a clear mind to validate that she is upset - but at this time - you are doing what's right for you.

Hang in there Mar. Baby steps.


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Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

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Hi Mar,

I've read a few posting from you, but I just read the beginning of your situation. Wow--can't imagine what it must have felt like to be gaslighted by your W in MC over and over with the therapist supporting your W, you finally bring proof to therapy, and the therapist STILL chides you, this time for recording her illicit behavior. You've been through some tough moments. Hang in there, stay strong.

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Originally Posted by Mar252
I sat in my car for 1.5 hrs and just cried. Afterwards, I caved and called her. Asked if she was absolutely certain she wanted this separation and again she reiterated that she didn't believe we had a viable marriage and that we needed to be apart. (I know I shouldn't have, I just set myself up for more hurt listening to her tell me again that she didn't want this). I was just so upset. It has only been a few weeks and I am still working on detachment


Darling Mar, give yourself all the space and acceptance you need right now. Detachment takes SO much longer than a few weeks. You are doing amazing all considering. You have been blindsided, gaslighted, emotionally abused and dumped by the person you trusted most in the world. Of course, you called her. And of course she said what she did and of course, you felt what you felt afterwards. I have been there. In your shoes exactly.

But as all the vets say, don't believe what they say and only half of what they do. My spouse's story has changed so dramatically from a year ago. At first I didn't keep the house clean and walked too heavy. Then he has been miserable for a year, then we never had the 'spark', then he had been miserable for 13 years, then I was abusive, manipulative and controlling. Then I was not any of those things (brief moment of reprieve and lucid awareness on his part, massive apologies from him for having said those things). Then I was all those things again, but only because we had both said those things to each other (I never said those things about him, FYI). And now the latest storyline is that I never loved HIM!! (Based upon journals he snooped when I wasn't home and he came in, again not true).

Doesn't that all sound so crazy, what I have written out above? Your W is in the same boat. You will hear so much random, chilling, heartbreaking, untrue, horrible things about your R from W right now. And your job is to believe none of it and do the best you can to move forward. (The true bits will sink in and you will make adjustments accordingly, but the majority of it is not worth your psychological exploration, especially if she is in another R, which is driving her mood and actions at the moment.)

Do whatever you can do to detach from W right now. A weekend away, a few months away, saying no to winterizing, WHATEVER you need for you is OK.

(((Mar)))

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Sage, thank you. I need all the emotional support I can get. I have caught up on your sitch and it still amazes me how all of these WAS are the same. My W has also rewritten some of our history, including accusing me of being controlling. That is the biggest joke, she has always done whatever she wanted.

I am still an emotional wreck this week. Spent the entire day crying yesterday. Seriously think my hormones are all out of whack. I am definitely peri-menopausal and PMSing at the moment. Couldn't stop crying. I am a bit better today. Looking forward to getting away this weekend.

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Ughhh! I am so tired of the freaking lies. I told my wife I was going away this weekend a couple of days ago. She in turn tells me she also made plans to go away for the weekend with her BFF. This morning I asked her what time she was leaving tomorrow because I needed her to drop me off at the car rental place. I am renting a car for the 4 hour drive out of state. My car is old and I only use it to drive locally. We use the W car for everything else.

She tells me she is leaving after 10:30 so she can definitely drop me off before that. I then made the mistake of asking why she was taking her car for the weekend. Note: my W never drives long distance. I do all the driving when we are together and the same with her BFF. She does all the driving. She proceeds to tell me some convoluted story as to why they are taking 2 cars and driving separately. I just looked at her, said ok and walked away knowing that it was a total lie.

I've known my W for 25 years and we have been together for 21. I totally know when she is lying.

She comes to me a half hour later totally upset spewing about how she is tired of feeling anxious around me and if I want to know the truth, here it is. Her BFF is only going for the night. She is leaving Saturday afternoon and my W decided she wanted to stay until Sunday. She then proceeds to start raising her voice, saying she doesn't understand why she always has to explain herself to me, she is tired of feeling like she is always doing something wrong, etc. I just tried to validate. I asked a simple question, why were they taking 2 cars? It wasn't an accusation or interrogation. I've never had an issue with her going out with her BFF.

Now, I can't help wondering why she felt the need to lie in the first place and why the anxiety and obvious guilt. My gut feeling, the OW is going to spend Saturday night with her after her BFF leaves. Note, her BFF knows the OW because they all work together. But her BFF does not know that they are having an A or that they are even 'friends" outside of work. Nobody in her life knows this woman exists except for me because I accidentally discovered the A.

It is going to drive me insane on Saturday wondering if they are actually together. I am so glad I will be with my BFF and pray that she can keep my mind occupied as much as possible. I've made up my mind that I am going to go stay with my sister. Haven't decided when I'm leaving but it will be in the next few weeks. She wants a separation, I am giving it to her. No idea when and if I will be back.

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Mar, I'm so sorry. That's awful.

The only help I can offer is to keep going. You have some plans, keep working towards them. When you remove yourself from this you will start to feel so much better. Of course there is a process ahead of you - I'm not denying that - but you are removing yourself from the traumatic experiences and that is an important step. That will help.

I'm most impressed with your clear understanding that you need to take care of yourself. So many people give their spouse too much power over their actions for too long. You know your worth, and perhaps because of that you are devastated. The important part of that sentence though is that you know your worth.

Right now it's just one foot in front of the other. You'll slog through, and then it will be a bit easier.

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Yail,

You are giving me too much credit. Me realizing that I need to take care of myself has come very slowly. I have been in this situation for over a 1.5 years. I discovered the A in May 2019 and I have been struggling ever since. I literally feel broken at the moment and have hit rock bottom. I left her for a week in Aug 2019, when I had definitive proof of the A and came back too soon, for a number of different reasons. I regret that decision more than any other in my life. I should never have come back.

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We all go through that process Mar, every single one of us. If we walked away the very first time our spouses did something we felt wasn't quite right we wouldn't have been married. To me as a non-religious person a marriage is a commitment to trying. But you have to have both people trying, and it takes a while to see that's not what is going on. Sticking to the bad times is what we signed up for as we honor love we once had.

And then later, there comes a time when that's not enough any more for one or both parties. You know you tried and made it clear you were all-in for trying. Not just 3 months, but for the year and a half. And now, it's time for you to say "Okay. I hear you.".

You didn't do anything wrong. Don't regret that you came back - just acknowledge it as the learning you had to go through for yourself.

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