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A Message from Michele
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Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: Ginger1] #2905194
10/07/20 02:38 PM
10/07/20 02:38 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 7,878
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Steveís IC didnít get him through it. His IC gave him the tools to get him through it.

Your GF didnít get you through your anxiety, she just masked it.

Only you can get you through your anxiety . You just need the tools and guidance to help yourself


Yep, what Ginger said is what I meant, and I meant got me through the anxiety. I tell LBSs all the time that most of them suffer from some level of PTSD. Trying to deal with PTSD on your own is a fool's game. Admit you need help, then go get it.

As far as now, 2 1/2 years into piecing and ring, the anxiety is much less. The only time I feel anxious now is if I feel myself trying to slip back into old behaviors. It is a WiP. You do not take years and even decades of habits and change them over night. I am still diligent to this day in making sure I am on top of the changes I worked through with my IC. I had a bit of a god complex, the belief that the world revolved around me. It was through IC I learned that 99% of things are not about me at all! So anytime I feel that old feeling of "the world should be this way because that's how I want it" creeping up and have to talk myself down off that ledge. The world doesn't give to shakes about Steve85. And I have to be ok with that!

Yes I was able to save my MR....but that wording is wrong. I was able to forge a new MR with my W. There was no going back to the old one for either of us. IC and MC helped greatly through that.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: Wolfman] #2905335
10/09/20 01:16 PM
10/09/20 01:16 PM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 541
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Wolfman  Offline OP
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Posts: 541
Steve I am so happy it worked out or is working out for you. Your story is an inspiration to all. I understand it takes time to change old behaviors, it takes time to learn from our mistakes. Itís hard for us to think we are wrong. I have reflected so much the last 2 years and trying to be a better person. I use to be spiteful and hold grudges, I donít do that anymore. I am really trying to learn to look at a situation through another persons eyes. I wish I had these smiles before my d, but all I can do is move forward and not look back. This has been a long road to get to this point, I still have a long road to walk to improve and learn more. This board has helped me so much from the validation cheat sheet, to boundaries, to the advice of so many. This board should be required for all marriages. It helps people open their eyes to the work that is needed in a marriage.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: Wolfman] #2905340
10/09/20 02:22 PM
10/09/20 02:22 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 7,878
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
Steve I am so happy it worked out or is working out for you. Your story is an inspiration to all. I understand it takes time to change old behaviors, it takes time to learn from our mistakes. Itís hard for us to think we are wrong. I have reflected so much the last 2 years and trying to be a better person. I use to be spiteful and hold grudges, I donít do that anymore. I am really trying to learn to look at a situation through another persons eyes. I wish I had these smiles before my d, but all I can do is move forward and not look back. This has been a long road to get to this point, I still have a long road to walk to improve and learn more. This board has helped me so much from the validation cheat sheet, to boundaries, to the advice of so many. This board should be required for all marriages. It helps people open their eyes to the work that is needed in a marriage.


Well said!


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: Wolfman] #2905481
10/11/20 05:55 PM
10/11/20 05:55 PM
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 116
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tom_h Offline
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
The hardest thing lately in my life is the anxiety. I just feel so anxious all the time. I havenít had a good nights sleep in months. This whole feeling is terrible. I will need to go back to IC but with a new person. I wish I would have healed first. I will be here a lot like I said jus looking for support. I donít have much outside of here.


Wolfman, I'm new to your thread. My sich was a WAW a year ago, and I had extreme anxiety and sleeplessness for months. In the first few months I couldn't sleep more than one hour at a time and was having horrible night sweats due to anxiety.

Doctor told me the first thing to handle was sleep. So he put me on a very light dose of a non-addictive prescriptive sleeping pill. It did wonders. I'm not an M.D., so I can hardly give advice, but I'd recommend you consider fixing your sleeplessness first as a way to lessen anxiety. Getting from 1-2 hours to 6-7 hours a night of sleep changed everything for me.

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: Wolfman] #2905746
10/14/20 05:12 PM
10/14/20 05:12 PM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 541
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Wolfman  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 541
Tom thank you for the recommendation. I definitely could use more sleep.

I am in a bind. I need to know how to proceed. I know what needs to be done but donít know how to go about it. My ex GF came back into the home. We tried talking a out things but has gone nowhere. She wants engagement or nothing. I said try and work on relationship but she doesnít want to hear it. So, now she is living here at my house the last few days and we have been more like roommates. Last night she wanted to know what was going on, as far as if I changed my mind. She wants me to say something like in 2 months we will get engaged. I told her I couldnít give her a time line. So the conversation went south. We were talking at it was 11:30 at night and I get up real early for work. So I told her I wanted to go to bed and she felt I was dismissing her. I explained we could continue this tomorrow. We went back and forth a little more and then she flipped out. Went to grab documents I have for my case against my ex and she said she was going to burn them. And she ran into the kitchen with the papers and then grabbed a lighter to light it on fire. I tried talking her down and she wouldnít stop. Finally I had to grab her to grab the lighter. After more yelling I got her to calm down. My question is, who do I get her to leave? I donít rust her in my home when I go to work. Iím afraid to ask her to leave of what she might do. Also the whole idea of her being pregnant.

Last edited by Wolfman; 10/14/20 05:13 PM.

M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: Wolfman] #2905755
10/14/20 06:04 PM
10/14/20 06:04 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 7,878
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Posts: 7,878
Man up. Tell her she has to leave.

Have 911 on speed dial in the event she refuses.

Wolfman's NGS is flaring up.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: Ready2Change] #2905756
10/14/20 06:15 PM
10/14/20 06:15 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,701
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline
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Colorado
Or do this:

Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Hi Wolf,

Be the leader.

Get into couple therapy with her. Find 3 or 4 in your area and both of you go interview them. Jointly pick one.

We all have issues. The people in our lives are there to point them out to us and help us fix them.


You can handle this.



Evaluate all your choices, make a choice, accept the consequences of that choice. Rinse and repeat.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: Wolfman] #2905758
10/14/20 06:29 PM
10/14/20 06:29 PM
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 139
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BL42 Offline
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
I explained we could continue this tomorrow. We went back and forth a little more and then she flipped out. Went to grab documents I have for my case against my ex and she said she was going to burn them. And she ran into the kitchen with the papers and then grabbed a lighter to light it on fire. I tried talking her down and she wouldnít stop. Finally I had to grab her to grab the lighter. After more yelling I got her to calm down.

Rather than waiting to discuss the situation further tomorrow she grabbed divorce documents related to your other ex and threatened to burn them with a lighter?!? That is a MASSIVE red flag.


Me:38 W:36
Married: 7 Together: 9
S:5 D:2
Bomb Day (BD): 2/15/20
In-House Separation (IHS): 2/15/20
Discovered EA & PA: 3/5/20
OM1's W knows: 05/15/15
W moves out: 06/22/20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: Steve85] #2905759
10/14/20 06:49 PM
10/14/20 06:49 PM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 541
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Wolfman  Offline OP
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Posts: 541
Originally Posted by Steve85
Man up.
Wolfman's NGS is flaring up.


Definitely is. The minute I stand my ground on certain things she starts crying and delaying how can I say that, that she is pregnant. For example. She said she is looking for a place to move out to. But needs till December!???? My feeling is what are you kidding me. She wants to freeload. So I told her that was unacceptable either she moves out now or if she needs a little time then she has to pay me rent. And I got how could I do that to a pregnant woman? Throw her in the street or make her pay rent. Then she makes me feel bad.

BL42 Definitely red flag. When she gets angry her motto is get even. She has always said if someone does something to her she will not let it go and get them back. I should have known a long time ago. But everyone was right.
Hey the people that are on here PLEASE LISTEN TO THE VETS. They warned me about jumping into another relationship. Ugh!!


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 [Re: Wolfman] #2905770
10/14/20 08:00 PM
10/14/20 08:00 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,098
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AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Wolfman, very sorry you're going through this, wow. Remove every important document from the house and any items of value until she's gone. Talk to a lawyer about your legal options for getting her out. It varies from state to state, here in TX if someone is allowed to live in your house for a certain length of time and receives mail there then they are a resident and you can't just kick them out, you have to go through eviction proceedings. If she hasn't been there long then you may be able to ask her to leave, and if she refuses then you can call the police for assistance. But I don't know the specifics and that's why I suggest talking to a lawyer first.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
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