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A Message from Michele
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Re: Filed for D [Re: Core] #2905658
10/13/20 03:54 PM
10/13/20 03:54 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 345
C
Core Offline OP
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Core  Offline OP
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C
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 345
I think I'm partially responsible for my W getting to the point where she could be plucked from the marriage and feel the need to cheat for security and validation as she's massively insecure from an unaddressed haunted past.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: Filed for D [Re: Core] #2905672
10/13/20 05:45 PM
10/13/20 05:45 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,248
C
CWarrior Online
Member
CWarrior  Online
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C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,248
Originally Posted by Core
I think I'm partially responsible for my W getting to the point where she could be plucked from the marriage

Core, of course, you are 50% responsible for your marriage failing. She is responsible for any cheating.

Originally Posted by Core
On top of that part of my decision to file was based on her not getting counseling, her name calling and lying about these things. Its turns out..

Learn what you can and move on. Maybe, "Slow down making big decisions." IIRC, several on this board nudged you to do more work on communication and detachment before filing. If D wasn't the best choice, it was at least reasonable, since you say she was in an EA. It's done, since your W isn't eager for an undo, so no point second-guessing now. Maybe today's theme is, "Once you've made a decision, run with it." Make your choice to D the best you can for you and your kids. Embrace all the opportunities that come from closing one book and opening another one. You didn't want your kids seeing conflicted and mopey parents--now you're free. Most religions and societies accept infidelity as a reasonable cause for divorce.

Originally Posted by Core
I felt deeply that my purpose was to have a family and raise my kids well so they have a net positive impact on the world. Without the family and from the damage this will do to the kids, my purpose has failed in my mind.

Many with divorced parents have a net positive effect on the world.

Don't give up on your dream.


May'19 - Separation... Dec'19 - Breakup #1... Oct'20 - Breakup #2.... Jan'21 - Breakup #3
"We are never, ever, ever getting back together." -- T.Swift
Re: Filed for D [Re: CWarrior] #2906446
10/21/20 11:10 PM
10/21/20 11:10 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 345
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Core Offline OP
Member
Core  Offline OP
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C
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 345
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Many with divorced parents have a net positive effect on the world.

Don't give up on your dream.

True and I've found a few good examples to help defeat the distorted point of view I had.

Things haven't progressed much, Ws lawyer is taking her time. I'm to the point of just wanting it done. I'm ready to move and build a place for the kids and I. I had an excellent time while W was away. I'll be just fine when this is done. I just dont know why its moving so slow now. The delay is on her side with paperwork.

No advice or anything needed here. I'm amazed I'm at the point of excitement at moving out. Excited to be alone and to have the kids in my own clean place. Excited to not date. Excited to not have someone pull their love and intimacy cause we disagree on paint color or whatever I want to do to the place. To not have someone around who's love is/was extremely conditional. My time alone was so peaceful, I now crave the dissolution of the M and my new life, parenting the kids as I see is best and helping them through the challenges to come.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: Filed for D [Re: Core] #2906530
10/22/20 05:19 PM
10/22/20 05:19 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,533
U
unchien Offline
Member
unchien  Offline
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Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,533
Core ~ Hang in there.

I relate to your feelings right now of wanting peace and time to yourself. I enjoy many of those things right now: time to myself, having my own place, building a stronger bond with my kids.

I also enjoy those things on their own now, and not through the lens of my broken MR. It takes time to get there, let the process unfold. It's a long road.

Re: Filed for D [Re: Core] #2910788
12/17/20 12:22 PM
12/17/20 12:22 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 345
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Core Offline OP
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Core  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 345
Hi All,

I've been busy and a break from the boards here did me good mentally as I sorted things out. I wanted to share some updates.

My IC and I have parted ways. He says there's nothing to really work on and can see tremendous improvements. He admitted as we parted that he suspects but cannot confirm that I was in an abusive relationship and that would explain why my anxiety increased over time while living with W as I seeked out control elsewhere. W while far from the standard abuser, is very covert and passive in her approach. It also explains my reactions to the D and the months following (separating from a trauma bond).

My kids are doing great. They don't yet know about the D. I think it'll be hard on D4 and I know I'll get us through it. She is being very loving to those around her. My son has really taken to me now that he is a little older and we have a blast playing games together. He is developing well and has a fun personality.

Settlement is almost done and its not bad. W got a job and is making decent money relieving me from being forced by the state to supplement her income unless something changes. I'm still at home as I'm on the mortgage and am counting down the days until I'm free. There hasn't been one house for sale in my area or range so I've found a spot to rent if I can't get a place.

I barely think about the D now. If I see a beautiful woman or we have a bill come up, I briefly think of the D and how long this is taking then I move on. I'm guessing we are officially married for just 1 - 2 months longer before this wraps up. W is still a different person. Her friends and family cut me out already and I'm now happy about that. Many of my friends dont know yet so as xmas cards come in, I see the ones on my side come from a place of love to all of us living in the house. I'm happy for the caring souls on my side. W still has her fits, still tries to control me and only talks to me when it's something she wants to talk about. I can tell you all now, we aren't going to be one of those couples that gets back together in the future. I'd rather play russian roulette than go another round. She did me a favor by asking for D and it took a long time to see that. I'm better off mentally, I'm happier, I get better sleep, I have way less stress, I'll have my own place with my own stuff which will be clean, I wont have nagging, negs, negative attitude and control being directed at me daily. For the time being, as those things do occur, they make me stronger and more resilient.

Time will tell how this goes in the long run. I went from thinking this was the end of the world to now salivating for my new life and freedom. I know my new life isn't going to be a fantasy, and it may not be easier but it will be better. I'm thankful for you here for helping me, my incredible IC, my family for getting me back from a dark place, on to a successful life track again.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: Filed for D [Re: Core] #2910806
12/17/20 03:30 PM
12/17/20 03:30 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,687
Colorado
T
Thornton Offline
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Thornton  Offline
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T
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,687
Colorado
Great update, Core! Keep going!

Re: Filed for D [Re: Core] #2910809
12/17/20 03:37 PM
12/17/20 03:37 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,416
S
SteveLW Offline
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SteveLW  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,416
Awesome Core, keep us updated! Glad to hear you've turned the corner.


M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Filed for D [Re: Core] #2911412
12/27/20 09:58 PM
12/27/20 09:58 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 145
D
Drh2001 Offline
Member
Drh2001  Offline
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D
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 145
Originally Posted by Core
Hi All,

I've been busy and a break from the boards here did me good mentally as I sorted things out. I wanted to share some updates.

My IC and I have parted ways. He says there's nothing to really work on and can see tremendous improvements. He admitted as we parted that he suspects but cannot confirm that I was in an abusive relationship and that would explain why my anxiety increased over time while living with W as I seeked out control elsewhere. W while far from the standard abuser, is very covert and passive in her approach. It also explains my reactions to the D and the months following (separating from a trauma bond).

My kids are doing great. They don't yet know about the D. I think it'll be hard on D4 and I know I'll get us through it. She is being very loving to those around her. My son has really taken to me now that he is a little older and we have a blast playing games together. He is developing well and has a fun personality.

Settlement is almost done and its not bad. W got a job and is making decent money relieving me from being forced by the state to supplement her income unless something changes. I'm still at home as I'm on the mortgage and am counting down the days until I'm free. There hasn't been one house for sale in my area or range so I've found a spot to rent if I can't get a place.

I barely think about the D now. If I see a beautiful woman or we have a bill come up, I briefly think of the D and how long this is taking then I move on. I'm guessing we are officially married for just 1 - 2 months longer before this wraps up. W is still a different person. Her friends and family cut me out already and I'm now happy about that. Many of my friends dont know yet so as xmas cards come in, I see the ones on my side come from a place of love to all of us living in the house. I'm happy for the caring souls on my side. W still has her fits, still tries to control me and only talks to me when it's something she wants to talk about. I can tell you all now, we aren't going to be one of those couples that gets back together in the future. I'd rather play russian roulette than go another round. She did me a favor by asking for D and it took a long time to see that. I'm better off mentally, I'm happier, I get better sleep, I have way less stress, I'll have my own place with my own stuff which will be clean, I wont have nagging, negs, negative attitude and control being directed at me daily. For the time being, as those things do occur, they make me stronger and more resilient.

Time will tell how this goes in the long run. I went from thinking this was the end of the world to now salivating for my new life and freedom. I know my new life isn't going to be a fantasy, and it may not be easier but it will be better. I'm thankful for you here for helping me, my incredible IC, my family for getting me back from a dark place, on to a successful life track again.



Core,

I just notarized the D settlement yesterday. She was with me. It's upsetting to see her but I didn't show it. She moved in with OM earlier this month. I get slightly more than 50% custody, and like yourself she hasn't asked for alimony (I said I would file a motion to stop it as she is cohabiting).

People tell me I should be relieve to have the toxic situation out of the house and I am but I am not happy. I'm not throwing a party now that she's gone. There's just such incredible sadness as someone I once knew seems to have had her SIM card switched out for someone else's. She is completely different. Rebellious in mind and spirit. Some of her family have made it clear they do not support her choices and so refrain from liking her social media posts with OM and my kids.

She has disgraced herself and thrown everything away. Ironically, she is a full time mom to his kids and a part time mom to mine.

I just hope she comes to her senses. Right now she is deep in the fog. she is naturally gullible and will believe anything.

The scripture comes to mind, and applies to many of us: "The heart is more treacherous. Who can know it?"

I hope you can find peace and move on.

For myself, I'm in no hurry to find someone else. I have three teenage daughters to support.

Keep us posted on your journey if you wish.

Re: Filed for D [Re: Core] #2911413
12/27/20 10:06 PM
12/27/20 10:06 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 145
D
Drh2001 Offline
Member
Drh2001  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 145
Originally Posted by Core
W still has her fits, still tries to control me and only talks to me when it's something she wants to talk about. I can tell you all now, we aren't going to be one of those couples that gets back together in the future. .



I wanted to comment on that. A few months ago, after WW had only known OM for about four months, I found on her calendar that we share that she wanted to move out in the spring of 2021. As time progressed, she kept bringing the date forward bit by bit. I told her we had financial commitments and her response was she couldn't help me with the mortgage if she was living with OM!!!

Then OM sold his house and moved to our state and he asked WW to move in with him earlier so they could get used to being around each other.

My kids had not met OM till this September. A lawyer told me I could file a restraining order preventing WW from bringing my kids around OM. It would have cost north of $2,000. The way I see it I would have been thousands out of pocket and would only have delayed but not stopped the inevitable.

Now that she is cohabiting I don't have to pay alimony as we have a long term marriage.

I no longer interfere in her life - I do not bad mouth OM to my kids.

Now that she's left, my job is more or less done. It's hard to do LRT as we have kids and the finances will take a while to sort out.

Natural consequences can play their part now. It might not ever make her change her mind about me.

She might find happiness with OM but she will never have peace of mind knowing that she is responsible for the destruction of her family and exposing my kids to her adulterous affair.


Last edited by Drh2001; 12/27/20 10:07 PM.
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