Today, D and I went out. She mentioned that "Dad was at his uncles last night, he sent me pictures" She also mentioned she told him to let her know when he was headed home and she would unlock the door.
I asked her if she asked him where he was and he apparently just let her know out of the blue. When he left without a word a couple of weeks ago, he did not reach out to either of us.
I just responded, " I miss your dad".
It just hit me. I miss my H. I have been focused on GAL and moving forward, I have supressed these feelings of missing him. And oh, how I miss him.
I do understand and empathize my friend. I miss my W. And I miss my kids’ Mom. Still. Not all the time. There are moments however.
I was playing the piano, and above it on the wall is a picture of my four kids, taken at Christmas many years ago. It must be around a decade old that picture. Their faces so young and happy, standing in front of our old upright piano all decorated with Christmas lights. W, I, and kids - we were a family.
Boy, I can sure pour the emotions into song recalling those times.
I do miss my wife. And XW is not W.
The guy running about, who looks like H, isn’t that loving H you miss. Old H is buried under denial and justifications. He may surface; he may not. The road to that understanding, to that acceptance, is a sad one.
Don’t worry that you haven’t shaken the sadness. It takes a while for our emotions to find their way.
You are doing just fine my friend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
It’s not about standing. It’s not about H. It’s about you.
Originally Posted by PLC
I feel that I have accepted that he does not want to be married.
I know you understand and accept your feelings about H.
You haven’t accepted your feelings about you yet. That’s the sadness. As we process and understand the situation, we discover ourselves.
Originally Posted by PLC
I have suppressed these feelings...
Do you want to be married? Do you want to stand? Are you happy with your beliefs and values? Proud of them? Can you love? Do you believe in your vows? Etc...
We do find indifference. And we do find our feelings again.
Indifference is part of our defensive mechanism, a healthy and needed state. Later, as we heal, we find indifference fades and our feelings return. We are no longer so hurt and distraught as we once were, so the mechanism unwinds.
This has to happen. One cannot accept their feelings if they are locked away.
Originally Posted by PLC
You stated that sadness/depression precedes acceptance. What does that mean for me?
You continue on your path. You keep standing! You keep gal and focus on you.
Finding acceptance requires one to believe in what they are accepting. Feelings are too fleeting to base acceptance upon. Accepting one’s feelings is based upon one’s beliefs.
Beliefs are influenced by our thoughts and feelings. And our thoughts and feelings are lead by our beliefs.
That is not as circular as it may appear. One’s beliefs lead them, and beliefs can be influenced - strengthened and altered.
It looks to me like you are questioning your values. Testing them. Ensuring they are strong. For what good are beliefs and values if they crumble under pressure. We do this, emotionally test ourselves, to ensure our beliefs, to ensure our acceptance. It’s important to be able to believe in one’s self. To know your strength.
Sadness and depression comes when facing your situation, seeing it for what it is. All the emotional bargaining has failed, and you stand. It becomes you and your beliefs upon the cusp of acceptance. Continue walking the path. Your feelings are real, your sadness is real, and it will change - follow your beliefs.
Sadness / depression precedes acceptance.
This is normal and perfectly fine. And quite healthy. It just takes some time to get through to the other side. Be patient. You will be amazed at what you are going to find.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi PLC... I am so sorry for your sadness right now. I too have been sad today, it must be the moon.
I would like to chime in on the acceptance piece of your conversation with DnJ. Only because I believe for the first time in my sitch, I finally understand and feel acceptance.
Acceptance for me feels like 'meh'. Neutral. Neither terribly bothered by H's actions; nor completely immune from them (immunity might be what complete indifference feels like?). Just neither here nor there. The things that used to really trigger an internal emotional response in me just don't as much anymore. When they do, I am more curious about what that means in terms of my own journey and self-development, than what that means in terms of my R with H.
I can honestly say that if H were to come banging down my door with flowers and a new ring and begging my forgiveness and love back, I would ask him for time. Not because I don't trust his intentions or think he has more work to do on his own journey, or anything about him really. But because I know that I have more work to do on my own journey and that will need to come before I am capable of any R.
I have accepted H's journey. It has taken me a long time, but he is where he is right now and it has very little to nothing to do with me. And though I came kicking and screaming to this party, I am learning so much about myself that I am not sure I would change anything at the moment.
Someone could have written these exact words to me and I wouldn't have fully understood until I reached this place in my heart where I am now. It is all a journey.
I think I just have the feelings that I have been I different for finally screaming to be heard.
I am sad, I am so sad that this happened. I have been numb almost a year and a half and it is finally weighing on me. All that I thought could happen hasn’t happened, but I am not seeing a way back from him. Me, yes. I am willing to stand I am still in love and I want this to work.
I know that we need work, this isn’t a come home and all is well, but will this happen? Who knows. I now feel like bargaining with him ( I won’t) I feel like going into the bedroom when he’s there and climbing into bed asking what happened? I haven’t felt like doing that ever. His indifference to me is so hurtful.
Since he has traveled so much of our marriage, I was very confident and able to take care of things here because I had to. I treated all of this vacancy as a business trip. I guess this was my limit, because it hurts.
I know that I will be ok, I may be sad, but I’ll ultimately be ok. I just want him.
Since a very long time I too had a difficult evening last Saturday. Don't know why, it just hit me in the car, while driving to get my children from their sports.
I also had a lot of times when I just wanted to go to him and shake him up, this is simply because sometimes we can't understand how they can hurt someone so much.
This is not the person you married and loved all these years.Try to look at him in a different way now.
Physically it may be your husband, but spiritually he is a different person now. These are the exact words my father in law uses. I see he is my son from the outside, but I don't recognize him anymore from the inside.
If you accept this, it will gradually get better.
Be strong, work on yourself, believe me, it will get better! We are all there for you and for each other!
Me(45)EXH(44) M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16 04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1 12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child) 03/22-Divorce official 06/22-08/23 Reconnecting 09/23-possible back with OW2
Thank you for chiming in. I took some time and read your situation. I see how you see as my therapist would call them, “thaws” where maybe he speaks then he reverts back to his current person.
I need to remember, the person that is ignoring me is not the H I married.
I did have a couple little thaws, last night I made dinner, he had come home early due to weather. When dinner was ready I texted him that dinner was ready if he felt like it. He just responded thanks so I went ahead, ate dinner and began cleaning the kitchen up. He came in for dinner, took it to the bedroom, ate then came back and thanked me. I just told him he was welcome.
The second one, was I came home from work for lunch and he was home. The bedroom was closed so I did as I usually do, made lunch then relaxed. He came in said hi and asked if I was home on lunch. I replied then mentioned how windy it was. He responded back about where he had to be this morning. When I went to leave the bedroom door was ajar, so I announced I was leaving and he said bye.
Do I think this means anything? No. But I do appreciate that he can speak to me. I do not plan on letting him know when dinner is ready every night. But I am trying to show him I am not going to get mad that he took off for the weekend.
You’re right. We are all here for each other. This is all I have unless you count my therapist!
